That loathesome thing you do in order to feed your children / thing under the bed.

So after a whirlwind few weeks backpacking around the wonders and at times despair of India. I spent a few forced days in Goa to rest and relax (partly due to friends opinion and influence rubbing off on ne though i would never tell them that) I'd hoped the combination of backpacking and living it up in secluded paradise would prepare/ jolt back into flying back in my old life and kick onto the next stage

While i can't sit here a type that im daydreaming of flying to another far flung destination or getting exicited so i can get back to my laptop so i can apply for this and that job. Neither of those scenarios are apply to me

The scenario which im currently set on is to great extent my life seems to be unwanted autopilot but i know for certain its not something i want. But what i think is worse i dont know what i want. Thats my problem if i knew what i wanted i would be doing it surely???

I cant say my entire life is mundane or miserable but i have for a while have this gut sinking feeling i have not chosen this life,  i seemed to have stumbled or fallen or maybe coasted into a weird set of life choices

  1. I grew old before i and got good at being irresponsible and young
  2. Sick to death of being poor student so i sold my soul and arguably brain for a company payslip
  3. I arguably excel at work but not through passion or career dreams. Rather I'm a quick learner and my new brain amoung an older generation sparkles brighter
  4. I feel as though i have tied down to hometown with invisible weights (but i have no kids, no mortgage payments, no real family commitments)
  5. I tirelessly work to pay off debts i have up to my eyeballs but then for my own sanity have to have yearly holiday blowout

So why as an semi intelligent woman am i in this predicament

The sinking prospect of walking back into my place of work and putting on a version of myself that i dont think is the best version of me

Im not as daft to think this could just be holiday blues, i know i have prospects; jobs, studying and my friends and family.

But why do have this sinking feeling???

Yours Sincerly

Someone who turning 25 in 3 days

posted to work by Brett, Guardian of the Unimaginable Terror (3 comments)

Addison, Pope of the craft table,

Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday, dear sweetheart, Happy birthday to you.

Addison, Secretary of Musclebeasts,

The rest of the quote:

Both paths lead nowhere; but one has a heart, the other doesn't. One makes for a joyful journey; as long as you follow it, you are one with it. The other will make you curse your life. One makes you strong; the other weakens you.

Addison, Secretary of Musclebeasts,

This is crazy to tell someone in India, but find the Carlos Castaneda books, and read 'Journey to Ixtlan'.

In one of the other books, A yaqui way of knowledge, don Juan, the mentor of Carlos, tells him,

You must always keep in mind that a path is only a path. Each path is only one of a million paths. If you feel that you must now follow it, you need not stay with it under any circumstances. Any path is only a path. There is no affront to yourself or others in dropping a path if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on a path or to leave it must be free of fear and ambition. I caution you: look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself and yourself alone this one question. Does this path have a heart? All paths are the same. They lead nowhere. They are paths going through the brush or into the brush or under the brush of the Universe. The only question is: Does this path have a heart? If it does, then it is a good path. If it doesn’t, then it is of no use.