I've had something to look forward to for the last 4 weeks. I met a beautiful, well spoken, honest man with great mannerisms. He truly did take my breath away, I continue to have trouble believing this is reality. I think I am dreaming or living in a different realm. I had no intention of meeting anyone or getting serious so soon. I'm still young, categorized as a young adult. Youthful in appearance yet with an old soul. I am actually getting serious with this man. He whom is 2x my age, in his prime time of his life. This guy speaks to me like no other, our spirits are instantly connected. Before I knew it, I thought him long term.. Marriage material, he brought it up before I had it in mind. I am still in college under my parents' roof, trying to hold the family together (1st generation). Most people are married at his age, so I didn't think of it too much. I originally was against marrying early before 24, ideally planned to hop the bandwagon around 30.. Then I see myself with this man, he is older which I've always been attracted to. I worry I will have to marry him early and young, thus leaving my family. No one will care for my parents, my siblings are too invested in themselves to realize they grow old too. I just found out he has 2 strikes, suffering from depression, struggling through financial issues due to lack of job, easily drowsy (I think insomnia), with a drug addiction .. Meth to help him fall asleep. He mention ever since he met me, he's been trying to wane off of it. Which means a lot of respect to me, I can imagine that is difficult. On top of all that, his father is kicking him out of the house in 2-3 weeks. Whenever I am with him, he is obviously tired and having trouble staying awake. He's trying to quit smoking, he reaches when it is a bad day or during stressful events to relax him. He told me all of this 2 days ago, randomly calling me to tell me he's on his way. He insisted I deserve the truth because he's been holding back. There's a lack of support system in his life, his mother passed, brother is married up north, Dad is sick of his decisions, his other family have given up on him. He lacks many friends, recently he had reunited with a few of his buddies.
That night we talked about everything, I couldn't stop crying. When he had called, I went outside to find him a parking spot. I had already known this was bad, I had assumed he found out he was a father or his ex girl wanted him, he met a gorgeous female that was his age, and lastly wanted to end it all. I had mentally prepared myself within the 9 minutes I had. I cried and sobbed my heart out for 20 minutes down my street with the neighbors watching. Then we headed back go his place for a cigarette and I cried more. He met my mother 4 days ago. My father and him briefly met that night I had swollen eyes from salty tears. That was awkward but it happened. So there's that, I want to help him but I am unsure what to do. He is a grown man, I give him that. That night he was brave enough to let me upon the truth, he did that not to beg for help, but to give me the option of letting us go. Before all this he kept he needs to pick himself up and grow as a man for me. I had an idea he didn't have a stable job and had some issue floating around. I thought about drug use but ever so slightly. My heart heart the most when he told me he's continuously tried to commit suicide.. December 2016, he didn't put on his seatbelt to attempt of taking his life by backing out of the driveway.. His dad saved him by taking the keys. Out of that all. It hurts to know that I wouldn't have met this man. Not sense this amazing energy, for numerous reasons with the odds working in our favor but from intentional death.. I still cry
His father and him don't get along, my heart goes for him. He made silly decisions during his young adult years. It's not that he's just another guy, but sees me as an actual being. He notices the small things I do, paying attention to detail. He's real and doesn't put up a facade. He mentioned he had seen me as his potential wife. The following 2 days, my oh so intuitive like myself Mother dreamt that I would leave her and start a new life with him. That hurt me because at that point I already had strong feelings for him. He's always so kind and does not pressure me to do anything. This man has a massive load of patience and understanding. Already he's telling his friends about me, which is an honor but I am only worried because I don't have anyone to tell with. I don't have friends, I became independent and as my peers worry about social hangouts. I just don't bother because I am not phased. I have a couple close friends but none I would share with. My older sister has yet to meet him, I am scared. He wants to see my mother and tell her all. His belief is it is better to say it now, the truth is going to spill anyways so. I am terrified my parents will not approve after hearing he is unemployed, real age, past history of felony/convicted, lack of financial stability.
I know we both need time to sort this through. I told him we will take our time. There is no rush, I am still here. What I like about him is he is always guiding me and giving me wisdom. When ever I think about us I cry.. I don't want to let him go. It is rare to meet a soul that you can spiritually vibrate with. We share the same views about society and social control. I want him to be better and best condition of health is my concern. He is so caring, offering to come to my house to fix my fire alarm battery and helping me with minor house issues. Very sweet of him, it breaks me knowing that such a kind hearted man is going through this. He is applying for jobs but I can imagine it is difficult to find a job with a record. I lost it when he explained that I am the one he sees a future with, love of my life, mother of my kids, friend in need.. I broke it, I kept it in me so long. I recall sobbing in tears, that I wanted to get married, have little mixed babies, grow old together.
The moment that replays is "you can't be with a loser like me. I am no good for you. You don't deserve to be with someone that can't provide for you. If I can't afford a ring for you, let alone a place for us -- for you to run around with your textbooks, you deserve what life has to offer for you". I remember he was paranoid I had other guys waiting for me, that it won't work for him .. I remember I was heartbroken because I was confused. I spent the whole day cleaning the house and dusting the front yard for his expected arrival. I denied dinner that night bc I was busy still cleaning and other tasks waiting for me. I was hurt thinking it was over (only a 1 week in us).. He's a SAG Union member so that's where he was getting his income from before.. I knew that face belong behind a camera.. I feel guilty to have him have no place to sleep besides in the bed of his truck. He's always taught me to not cry and be happy about the good things in life. When it is good enjoy it, because when sad parts hit you will relate it to that time when life was once good. I still am in pain not knowing what to do how to help or what to think. I want to get him on insurance. He needs back and ankle surgery that is long overdue 18 years.. I want him to be healthy and strong. As much as for me and for future family but for himself as well. Even if he does not marry me, then I think his future partner deserves man that will be in her life for a long time.