So I used to post on here all the time and haven’t in a while and want to get back to it because I’m in a dark place right now and I’m hoping writing this all out will help. I’m a 27 year old female and my life is in shambles right now. I have a one year old son who is my life and his father who I am madly and deeply in love with but who lost feelings for me. Let me start from the beginning. I met him when I was 24 and it was seriously love at first sight. He was an amazing man and still is to this day. We had an amazing relationship. We had our ups and downs but it was one of those relationships where you thought it would last forever. Like I was going to be his last kiss, it felt amazing. Then I found out I was pregnant and our lives changed. Was accidental and I was never suppose to be able to have kids so a big shock. But he stood up to the plate better than anyone could have. He was going to be an amazing dad. He was so supportive through the whole pregnancy and helped me with everything and got me anything I needed. Our son was born in May 2016 and it was amazing. But then it went down hill. After having my son I completely shut down and blocked him out of my life. When I was 14 I had a very bad relationship that lasted over a year and the guy was abusive mentally and physically. But I was young and would forgive him every time something happened thinking it would be better now, it never got better. It got to the point where rape was a more than one time occurrence, it was horrible. I ended it finally and never faced what really happened to me. Just kept it locked up for years. My ex knew about it and tried helping me and getting me to go get help but I always just said I was fine. Then when I had my son it all came back. I had a son now, what if he treats a girl that way someday? What would I do? Why would he do that? All those thoughts went through my head and I couldn’t stay stable. I shut down and shut him out and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. We broke up February 2017. It was all my fault. I realized that to late though. In July 2017 I realized I was going to fight for him back but I wanted to become what he deserved, which meant I needed to fix myself and face my past. I started group therapy and it did amazing things for me, helped me move on and overall be happier with my life. Me and my friend even went up to Bemidji, MN in August because that’s where my ex’s reservation was. He’s native American, Ojibwe tribe. We visited the White Earth Indian Reservation and it was amazing to see, really opened up my eyes as to how they live. We got a tour of the town and the history on it and it was an amazing day. While we were there, there happened to be a huge bon fire that night and a pow wow and talk about amazing, to know my sons dad has those origins is amazing. There was a little native boy who came up to me and Ill never forget it. His name was Anong, which means star, and he was the cutest! He was 4 years old and he was tugging on my shirt to go dance with them and I broke down and did and it was so much fun, I looked like a retard I’m sure but it was so much fun and that little boy stole my heart. Made me realize id love to adopt someday to have a sibling for my son. We got back from that and my mind was just racing. That’s when I started writing a letter to my ex that I had planned on giving to him when I was ready. I also started saving pictures of our best memories. When I started therapy though, about a week after I started getting these text from unknown numbers and every time id block them they would come back with a new one. They wanted me to stay away from my ex, and they were determined. Told me eventually that he was seeing someone but I figured they were lying. So about a week ago I poured my heart out to my ex and low and behold he has a gf I felt so pathetic and stupid. Anyway I still gave him the letter because he wanted to read it but I took out the page about my trip to his res because I felt so stupid that I did that and didn’t want him to know. Then he started getting the texts from this anonymous person also and I had my friend look into it. He figured out it was a burner phone but found names linked to the account and the locations of where it was at. All places where my ex’s new gf would go. I broke down but he convinced me it wasn’t her and I believed him. I knew at this point I was never getting him back anyway. But then I got emails describing things only one of those two would know and I know he wouldn’t tell me that stuff. Then I started getting pictures of them together and I just broke in half. He’s so happy with her but I don’t trust her, she hates me and says she will be a better mom to my son then I am and that’s not ok. I know I’m broke right now and not in a good place but was it true? Could she really be a better mom to him? Will he not love me anymore? All these thoughts just destroy me. And I cant tell him because she has some blackmail on me that would get me in trouble with the cops and I cant deal with that. And I know if I told him he would blow up on her and he would know the break up was cause of me and shed rat me out. Now if I knew he would just tell her he had a change of heart and broke up with her that way where I wouldn’t be brought up at all then I would tell him. But I know him to good. So here I am, have barely ate the last 7 days and cant sleep and even started smoking again. Just a mess and there’s nothing I can do because he made it very clear that he wants no relationship with me ever and I completely understand why. And it kills me. Well never be able to tuck our son into bed at night together, or go on walks together holding hands, or lay in bed talking all night till the morning hours. Or the trip I had planned to go back to Bemidji this winter or next spring. All of that is lost now and ill never get it back. How do you move on from such a heartbreak when it was your own fucking fault?