I miss my friends and I hate him. I feel grateful that I can finally say "hate" when for so long it was mad, sorry for, or miss. I find that I get upset with myself that I cannot push through the feelings father so I have to remind myself that we are human. I am one of many I think who are uncomfortable expressing feelings. As a reference, I am an educated woman with no history of abusive relationships prior to this.
I started putting both feet down and stating that he was not welcome in my life 8 months ago. We dated for just over a year prior to that, and I spent most of it trying to protect myself or avoid drama by walking on egg shells. I made excuses like how I didn't want to burden anyone else or I was too busy to move out, but really a part of me naively wanted to believe that I was not so foolish to let someone so evil into my life. I wanted to believe that the ideal person I met was real and the nice (fake) part of the person would dominate the cruel part. It only became more and more clear that he sought me, and others, out at part of his entertainment. I made excuses for him...for how he was raised or how military protocols contribute to severe mental illness, but ultimately we all have choices. We may not be able to control how we feel but, with exception to certain illnesses, we can certainly choose our resulting words and actions. Fighting left no scars for him or stalled him in anyway. He could always laugh while myself and everything around me was falling down. I experienced preparing to die for the first time after I met him, and then again countless times. This changed who I am, in a way that my friends, family, and peers have noticed but do not understand. I feel sick when men are physically close to me now and I am quiet, but it does not feel by choice. From birth through before meeting him nothing could keep me quiet. I just do not know what to say anymore, ever.
I am grateful to be on this end where I can finally say "hate" and that he does not deserve my time and not feel guilty about it. I hate him. I have never felt comfortable saying that about anyone but I hate him for taking part of me. Part of me that could have been with my family, friends, and loved ones. Part of me that used to enjoy work and now I struggle to get out of bed. It is really such a shame that I endured so much pain and lost so much of my life and my health just because I did not feel comfortable being mean. Or that I even considered standing up for myself as being mean for that matter. Whether that is influenced by societal norms or personality, is another story. I am naturally an incredibly driven and outspoken person but to him I was just another a challenge. A challenge that I still feel like he won; however, I am hopeful that I will continue to love others and surround myself with respectful individuals while he continues to live a life where no one truly knows who he is, isolated and scared. I place empowering visuals everywhere I can see them. I started opening up to a couple of friends which has helped some. I try not to be in the home alone much but for whatever reason I have found myself exhausted since the relationship ended. Mentally and physically in a hole that I am able to climb out of and see the light more and more each week. I am slowly remembering the things I once found beautiful.