It's hard to write this without giving the whole background. I'm married to an alcoholic, bulimic, OCD person. He's not constantly drinking, throwing up, or cleaning. He also wasn't born into a place of love or brought up in a loving home. He's a good provider for our little family. He's affectionate and loyal. He's a dedicated and sweet father. And he's only ever mean to me when he drinks.
I say all of this to myself in a poor attempt to convince myself that the way he treats me is acceptable. He doesn't beat me, but he can be cruel. He treats me the way I imagine his mother treated him growing up. He's hurtful, never accepts responsibility for wrong doing, and is tough. When I tell him he's hurt my feelings or I start crying, he tells me I'm being too sensitive. Everything is my fault. And maybe it is. If the floor needs to be vacuumed, it's my fault that it's dirty. If the dog has an accident, it's my fault that he had to clean it up. Just like any situation, it wasn't always this way. It's not like I woke up one day and told myself to fall in love with the most problematic person I could find. On an almost constant daily basis, I find myself wishing it was just me and my girls (my dog and my baby). I've heard that being newly marrried and having a baby can be tough. But this constant feeling of feeling like I'm drowning and never good enough for him can't be normal. It just can't be.
I don't recognize myself anymore. At night, I'm constantly crying, wishing for a different life for myself and my girls.
And although I feel stuck, I truly do love him. But I can at least try to make an attempt to take care of myself. Recently, I started going back to the gym. Working out was something I loved to do before we met. Sometimes he makes me feel guilty for it, but has never stopped me.
I don't know where this is going, but I just needed to say it. To someone. To anyone, really.