relationships

Man + Man + Woman = ???

I have a few things I want to get off my chest and I don't even know how I'm going to write it all out... I met my first and only boyfriend in high school, we had a child and now I'm pregnant with our second. Eight weeks today, but I thought about abortion because our relationship has not been very strong. I'm not going to do it though, but I'm not sure if I want to continue this relationship still. I'm not sure if I'm staying with him for the right reasons. It's not really financially better for me to stay with him, but morally I think? I'm not really sure. I know I love him, but almost everyday I'm angry at him too, but I don't always show it. We've had problems in the past, and broke up a few times. I forget a lot of things, but I know those breakups had to do with jealousy. I was young and I held on to really stupid thoughts for a long time. I'd like to think I'm more mature now but I know I'm not done learning yet. The problem with me is I fall really hard for someone and all I can think of is them, and I was really hurt to learn he wasn't the same. His love was more gradual, but he still had eyes for other women. I'm not completely naive, I know people will always be attracted to others, but I got into this nasty nasty habit of going through his phone. I know it's a horrible thing to do, not just for his sake but my own as well. But he's the type not to tell you something unless you force him to. He's admitted to being a compulsive liar, and thinking about other women. I can forgive that he thinks about women because you can't really control thoughts, but I won't say it didn't bother me. It was more about his actions and who he was thinking about that upset me. It wasn't celebrities or random chicks he knew nothings about, it was women he was "friends" with. I know it because he was searching them up FB and Insta every other day. I even noticed he only watched snapchat stories posted by these women, everyone else, his family and friends weren't even looked at. A couple woman he knew before me and few he met while he was with me. When we broke up he messaged a few of them, it took him less than a couple days, and then there was me, not even ready to talk to anyone else. It pissed me off when we got back together to learn how quickly he started making his move on those women. He says he didn't sleep with any of them, but I don't really trust him. I know one girl was in his room, he told me that much, but he said she was just on her phone and he was watching tv because she got locked out of her house or something. I had this feeling, like a "no way he did nothing" feeling. So around Christmas time I asked him if anything happened when we were broken up. He said he met some girl at a club and they hung out and she gave him him a hand job... after I kept persisting with questions (because his story was really vague and dumb) he admitted he was lying so the real thing didn't seem as bad. Stupid logic but I believe he'd do some nonsense like that. I guess the truth was he kissed one of his "friends" like an hour after one of break ups. He and this particular "friend" are always flirting as soon as we break up, even when she was pregnant. Actually a couple of his "friends" flirt with him, or did I should say, adding two of them are his ex's, but he's made out with all of them when they were younger (before we met). I think our breakups happen because at some point I start over thinking all these little facts, and the fact that they still try to keep in contact, though my boyfriend tones it down when we get back together. He doesn't flirt with them, but he's just the type who can't say no. He really keeps it to a minimum when we're together, sort of. I really had to hound at him to get to minimum. He can't handle me at my worst so I don't know why I let him have me at my best. He walked out when I got really mad one time because he went out with his family and ended up at his "friends" house, she's friends with his family and his cousins went their to drink. The was the day he went and kissed her, also before she got pregnant. All of this is really out of order so if anyone is reading this sorry if it's confusing. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm hurt, and sad. He called me one time (I was out of town visiting family with out son) to tell me he slept with his cousin. He had been drinking and he was crying and he made it out to seem like it was all her fault. The next morning he called and told me he made it all up and he just wanted to get me mad. I went off on her the night before so she blocked me, and I couldn't apologize to her after I learned the truth. I have no idea why I keep getting back together with him. I know he's a nice person, he's a great dad, but he's fucked me up. When we got back together after that whole fiasco, I knew the answer, but I asked if he was trying to get me to breakup with him that time. So yeah, you could say we're not the ideal of a healthy relationship. I kind of let that go since it was a lie and he didn't actually do anything. What I really can't let go is the kiss because that actually happened with that other chick. She still tries to invite him out to play bingo because they are old people I guess lol... sigh I really don't even bother talking to him about this stuff anymore because it's always the same thing and I know he's tried of hearing it. I give up trying to talk to him as well. I'm all talked out. Now I just bottle it up. I don't think he loves me they way he should. After having our son I was in ICU and the first thing he said to me all mopey was "I wanted to go to (I forget)". We were planing on going on a trip and we missed it because I WAS IN THE FUCKING HOSPITAL, and all he cared about was missing his trip. I had to call him and tell him to come see me because he wasn't even trying to come. I told myself it was okay because he was just trying to be good dad and take of our newborn while I recovered for surgery but thinking back to it, we had a lot of family willing to look after him while he could of just stopped by for a bit and showed me some god damn support. I'M SYILL SO ANGRY ABOUT ALL OF THESE THINGS I DON'T KNOW WHY I STILL WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT. I need to get a therapist hahaha.......

posted to relationships by Morty, Curator of Good (2 comments)


Ash, Referee of Evil,

so much grey...i go for the black and white....some stuff just wrong...

Ash, Referee of Evil,

i think this and next generation will fight misery untold....how to get through it is all i can do....

big part prayer, faith and i do try