relationships

Man + Man + Woman = ???

I don't really see this as giving advice, but more like in need of advice. First thing's first, my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months. Things were really great in the beginning. He was seriously everything I had been looking for in a guy, but I knew he had a rough past. He had actually been in a gang before, and was also known as a "fuckboy". He had told me that people would judge him for his past, and actually ended up changing schools because of it. I don't know the whole story about his gang past or what had happened, but I know there are things that he definitely isn't proud of. But anyways, that's just kind of a background. Things were great for about 2 months, but then I started getting a feeling that maybe he was cheating behind my back. I knew his password to his instagram because he had told me, so I logged into it and found some pretty flirty messages to someone he had actually hooked up with before. He had also told her that he wanted to hang out with her and that, "relationships don't work out at their age anyways" .. Mind you, she had a boyfriend at the time he hooked up with her and at the time he sent these messages to her to potentially hookup with her again. Anyways, I brought this up to him calmly, wanting answers. He came up with the genius excuse that it was indeed one of his friends who got on his instagram to message her. Of course I knew this was bullshit because he couldn't even tell me which friend did it, and then later made up a whole different story that these messages were sent a long time ago, even though instagram shows you the date you send the messages, and it was during the time that we were together, which was not long ago. He eventually became super upset and got mad at me for even getting on his social media in the first place, although towards the beginning of the relationship, he told me that I could see anything I wanted if I had any concerns. Interesting, right?? So that was his first lie of many, so I just brushed it off. One day, I saw from over his shoulder that he was texting his ex. Again, I politely brought it up and asked for an explanation. He just simply said that she sent him a text apologizing for what she had done (even though I'm at least 95% sure that he was the one who fucked up in that relationship because I even messaged her myself to get the details as to why they broke up, and she told me he came home with a hickey on his neck that she did not give him). Well, he told me that his reply was, "doesn't matter. I'm happy now". Then I got on his phone one day and saw screenshots of that conversation (same day, same time I was looking over his shoulder) and these messages were from him saying things like, "I am so happy to see your name pop up on my screen again. Can we talk as friends and catch up?".. Now, it wasn't that I was mad at him for even texting his ex; I was mad at the fact that he lied to me to my face. One more little story before we broke up: My brother had just gotten married and I went with him and his wife out of state to a place that they wanted to potentially move to. I thought it'd be nice just to get away from home for about 6 days. Well, my last day in Washington, and he texts me saying something along the lines of, "I've lied about many things and I feel guilty. I don't deserve you.". Mind you, I had played the fool and pretended to believe all of his lies when he did lie to me, because I knew he would soon have this stacked up guilt and eventually break. So, he was in a really down mood that last day.. I thought it was really weird that he had brought this up literally out of nowhere, and told him that if he doubted anything, to just break up with me and get it over with. (He said he didn't want to leave me) Well, when I came back, my boyfriend spent the night, and the next morning I just had this gut feeling that something had happened while I was away. I got on his Snapchat and found a conversation between him and some girl with him saying things like, "You're cute", "I wanted to kiss you, but I didn't because I don't want you to catch feelings. I swear my heart is gone", "I wanted to cuddle with you", and even 'jokes' about him wanting her to join while he's showering. I came to find out that he had taken this girl and her friend to a place to eat with a group of his friends the same night that he brought up the whole lying situation and him feeling guilty about it. He was even on facebook messaging his friend bragging about the fact that he was with two girls. (yup. He might as well have just slapped me in the face, because that would've hurt less) He left for work right before I got on snapchat and found that whole situation out. I sent him screenshots of the conversation and told him that I couldn't do it anymore, that I couldn't stand the cheating and lies. He didn't want me to leave because he said he was "addicted" to me. I questioned the love he had for me because I clearly didn't see it. His things were at my house, so he told me he'd come by after work to pick up his stuff. I packed his things up and around 9 hours later, he showed up and saw that I packed his things up. He got pissed and proceeded to try and make me feel guilty by saying "Well, I guess you really want me to leave", and of course I said yes.. Before he went into his work, he even texted me telling me to delete all the photos of us, so I did. Well right after he saw that i packed up his things, he said, "did you delete the pictures of us?" .. I said I did, and he got pissed and said, "well, that was a test to see if you actually cared or not, and I guess you don't". (See how he tried to turn things on me to try and make ME feel guilty for what he had done in the first place?) He left and then told me he was going to drive off of the road and kill himself if I really wanted to leave, manipulating me, trying to make me feel responsible for what happens to his life. Of course I took this very seriously as I would any suicidal situation, and told him I was going to contact his mom and tell her about this. He told me I could tell anyone because it wouldn't matter cause he'd be gone. I am still with him to this day cause we had eventually worked everything out and he told me he'd change and start treating me like I'm the only girl in his world. I have hope that this will be true, but I need some advice. Should I really stay with him in hopes that he will improve himself, or should I just leave this relationship in the past? Any help is greatly appreciated. (SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY)

posted to relationships by Rook, CEO of the craft table (5 comments)


Candy, Student of the Hungry,

He is disrespecting you and has done enough but, for you to stay with him shows you had no respect for yourself. Your worth 10x better than a cheat that states he will change... how many more lies do you need to catch him out on for you to realise a leopard never changes its spots.

David, Master of the Poor,

I was in a relationship almost identical to this and I was the one who tried to kill myself because I felt so small and worthless and that no one loved me. I ended up in hospital and went to rehab because I started drinking too much and taking drugs to numb the pain. He separated me from my friends and tried to drag me away from my family. Luckily I have a great mother and father. As hard as it's gonna be you have to get out now while you can!

Andy, Devourer of the Forgotten Lands,

First, it's always difficult to read walls of text.

It seems to me that if someone is questioning whether the person they're with is manipulative, then there's a very good chance they are. I couldn't quite follow everything that came before the break-up where you packed up his stuff, but suicide threats are definitely manipulative - "I'm going to kill myself and it will be all your fault!". Total BS, of course. If he had acted on his threats, he would have been the one responsible, not you. Good for you for calling him on his BS.

I think you need to think very carefully about this relationship. Anyone who deliberately sets out to make you feel guilty - as your boyfriend does - is not worth spending time with. What often happens in such relationships is that, after a few years, the victim starts to accept the judgement of the manipulator. Once that happens, it's very difficult to recover the self-esteem necessary to escape.

He might change, but change always has to come from within. You can't make it happen and you should NOT believe that him growing up and becoming a better person is your responsibility. It is not.

In fact, it is possible that you telling him what you don't like about how he acts towards you and telling him to go away is exactly what he needs in order to grow up. As long as you make allowances and hope for the best, he - being human - will take the easy way out and continue to try to get away with as much as he can.

As for the earlier post about him being a young guy doing what young guys do, I don't buy that. I was once (a very long time ago) a young guy and I didn't behave like this. Of course, if you're attracted to "bad boy" types, it's inevitable that you're going to end up with unfaithful, testosterone-drunk jerks.

Ari, CEO of the Poor,

Sounds like a young guy enjoying his youth. Monogamy will not be a part of that anytime soon. Move on if a guy not cheating on you is important to you.

David, Master of the Poor,

If my son did that to a young lady he would be black and blue. NOT acceptable and if that's what "Enjoying youth" is there's something seriously wrong. He has a mental problem.