I'm just not good at connecting with people. I have a small little cluster of friends and family I hardly deserve. Any new people that come around, I seem to put them off. I think because I am standoffish, or so people tell me. I heard I am hard to get to know. Some say mysterious. Honestly, I'm just shy. And on the surface, I seem interesting, but if you get to know me, there isn't really much there. I follow unique paths with my life but if you look inside those journeys, there isn't a lot of substance. It's boring. I'm boring. It's my secret that I protect. I also have trust issues. I've been bullied in the past. Ignored and neglected, stabbed in the back. Too much for one person. Too much for a child. Too much for a young adult.
And now..now when I meet someone nice, they see through me. They see there isn't much to me. They see me say the wrong thing. They don't trust me. I don't trust me. I don't trust my mouth.
I am not a mean person. But I am not a good person. I'm boring. I'm nothing. I am unlovable. I am unlikable. I could disappear, and outside my family, nobody would notice or care. And I can't blame them. I push the good ones away. It's my fault. I am so stupid for getting my hopes up. I deserve this.