Man + Man + Woman = ???

My husband and I have been married for 12 years now.  Of those 12-years we've been separated for 6.  I was in love but never knew that he was addicted to pornography.  He thinks I'm sexually undesirable and typically goes limp when we do have sex.  (it's been twice this entire year)  Six years ago things were very strained between us and he decided the grass was greener and left me and our two children (he adopted them from a previous relationship) for a co-worker.  Married co-worker with 3-kids.  He moved out and moved in with his parents for about a month and in that time span his mistress booted her husband and moved in my husband.  Can anyone say 'therapy'?  He decided to come back about 4-months later and in retrospect I should I said "NO"!!!!!!!!  I thought it would help my sadness and would be better for our children.  WRONG!  We've lived apart for most of the last 6-years and basically he just pays the bills, which is nice.  It wasn't until he came back 5 1/2 years ago that I realized his addiction and urged him to get help.  He attended several groups, went to workshops, but those air-brushed weren't anything I could compete with.  Allow me to get gritty.  I LOVE sex, any kind and most anywhere and I want it all the time.  I am game for just about anything as long as it involves just me and him.   Now that I am older I can see that marring a man such as my husband has caused me to give up some extreme pleasure. And I have gotten older.  I'm not a size zero and I've had two children.  My body has "battle scars" and I'm not as beautiful as most but attractive to say the least.  I still can turn heads, and sometimes that's what it is all about.  Anyway, we've struggled for so long and he says he wants to be with me but how can you live with someone who degrades you at every glance and every stroke of his hand?  When out in public he will either be ahead of me or behind me so he can look at other woman..all ages and sizes.  Some truly ugly girls which makes me think that he is sicker than I could have ever imagined.  Today I can say that I care about him but I don't find value in him nor think that I love him.  It's gone and I have felt like this for a long time.  In April I told him I wanted a divorce and that same exact night, I cheated on him.  I am fairly religious and can't believe that I caved.  It wasn't even all that great, and as I try to remember that night, I can't.  It wasn't with a stranger, worse yet.  My daughter's biological father.  Interestingly enough, I went back for seconds and thirds.  the third time was a charm, but it stopped there.   I'm glad it did since I don't want to level the playing field and really wanted to exit my marriage with my head held high.  This will go to my grave with me as far as I know and can't say that I feel any better having disclosed it in this forum.  Re-reading what I have written so far makes my stomach hurt.  What the fuck.  I just can't believe it.
posted to relationships by Charlie, Bard of the Lonely (2 comments)

Blaine, Sous Chef of the Wicked,

Just leave him. My mom tried sticking with me dad in hopes he will change stop being abusive. 20 years and nothing matters he's the same jerk as ever.

Ash, Magician of Arts and Crafts,