life

Would you be here if you had one?

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I have felt lost all my life, I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. All for what purpose? I have many feelings and thoughts that I can never tell.. mainly because I don't have anyone. I say that, knowing it is likely to be a result of me subconsciously not want too. I try but nothing comes out, I ignore and get on with life. I don't expect anyone to read this or reply, I think this is just one way of telling someone.. I'm lost.

posted to life by Taylor, Bright King of Imagination (3 comments)

Plastikschamanen Carme Kwasny

posted to life by Allison, Security Guard of Musclebeasts (0 comments)

KuuNa - Kultur und Natur tantra Carme Kwasny Eisackerstr. 7 67734 Katzweiler Tel.: 06301-60 966 40

posted to life by Peyton, Fashion Model of the Financial Services department (2 comments)

Desperate housewife lets her dog lick her Carme Kwasny (45) aus Kaiserslautern

posted to life by Ari, Elementalist of the Wicked (1 comment)

Send me your daughters for specialized training. The nature of the training requires that they be 18 or older. I will certainly whip them into good shape.

posted to life by Bobbie, CEO of the Wildlands (0 comments)

I like fucking different types of women. I am attracted to various races, various heights, various hair and eye colors, various chest sizes, various sizes except for really large women that are losing their feminine shape and are at an unhealthy weight. I also am attracted to women who have a sense of humor, are fun to be around, are intelligent, and are friendly.

posted to life by Bobbie, Apprentice of Good (3 comments)

I am not sexually turned on by large women. If someone is only slight above average I am or can be, but if someone is way overweight I am not. I am nice to everyone. I will be friends with women I am not turned on by, but if some women are mean I will avoid them. If large women THINK that they are entitled to have me be turned on by them, which I am beginning to understand is true of SOME, then it just can't be forced, and it won't cause me to suddenly feel attracted to them. I am attracted to a wide range of women but certain more extreme things turn me off, such as being very large. Being unhealthy turns me off in general. If a woman is addicted to drugs, that also turns me off very fast, even if she is in a shape that normally attracts me. I am on a low carb diet and am rapidly losing weight myself, even though I don't do much exercise. I would encourage larger people to reach a healthy weight.

posted to life by Stevie, Administrator of Space (19 comments)

How do WOMEN feel about death sentence for rapists? Convinced or otherwise. And should women be allowed to kill men who are raping them? I DO there should be a harder punishment for rapists and death is the ultimate one. You didn't give her a choice when you took away her dignity there shouldn't be a choice for him as well

posted to life by Nikki, Venture Capitalist of Darkness (4 comments)

I saw a YouTube video of these women protesting on the street. They said that Trump said that ALL Mexicans were rapists because he talked about illegals that committed some rapes. Trump was OBVIOUSLY NOT TALKING ABOUT ALL MEXICANS. One stupid woman also said that ALL WHITE MALES were evil JUST BECAUSE they were white males. This woman has been brainwashed.

posted to life by Lexus, Travel Agent of the Idealistic (0 comments)

Honestly my life is not the best I wish I knew a way out and way I wouldn't hurt anyone a life that joy was number one were love is endless and money wasn't important where I could breath and feel relaxed pain is not physical but mentally life is hard but why

posted to life by Adrian, Patriarch of the Rich (0 comments)

I want comments from people on their weight vs. the amount of carbohydrate rich foods they do or don't consume. I also want to hear if people have an easier time losing weight or keeping it off if they limit their carbs but at the same time vs. little to no exercise. I think this is true, but having said that, some exercise is good for EVERYONE. It still has health benefits even if re-arranging what you eat makes it easier to stay more fit. If it is truly this easy to slim down, and by personal experience and with a few friends, it seems to be that easy, to cut your carbs. I am losing weight with a carb restricted diet with pathetic exercise regime. But if it is indeed this easy, I intend to educate a lot of people about it. Also if it is this easy then I am going to focus all of my sexual attention on more fit women only, or those who have lost a sufficient amount of weight to be attractive, even if a little bigger, and who are making progress towards their medically ideal weight. I do not even eat whole grains. Those are NOT a health food. Fruits and vegetables are truly healthy foods. Fruits do contain a lot of sugar, but limited fruit with exercise should be fine. Based on my knowledge now, and realizing that it is easy to lose weight and keep it off (even if the progress takes time, I have no interest at all in screwing really big women. I do not care if it seems cold. Big women get a handshake or a hug from me, with friendly conversation, but i cannot do physically more than that with them. A long time ago I did a temporary job in a hospital and I heard this diabetic woman really crying in pain. I wish as few people as possible go through that. and a high carb diet pushes people to be pre-disposed to diabetes, regardless of genetics.

posted to life by Aubrey, Historian of the Homeless (8 comments)

I am so weak. I hate the life I have come to know. I had great ambitions. I had great talent. I feel like it is over now. Not a day goes by that I don't feel like the world would be better off without me. I am too weak to pull the trigger though. I am lost. I am a nobody. I have done horrible things in my short lifetime. I wish it could all be over. I have so much guilt. My drunkeness has caused so much harm. I hate myself. I have low self esteem. I think I am ugly. One day I will end it.

posted to life by Stevie, Soldier of the Financial Services department (3 comments)

I am feeling nothing but alone.and depressed and I just look.out to the sky and it's so empty. I'm so tired of being alone, and being the nice guy to do everything to help the girls I'm with and they just leave. What about me?...

posted to life by Harper, Monk of Imagination (0 comments)

Sometimes I wish I could stop existing, not die though. I'm not suicidal, and I would never want to hurt the people in my life, and especially my pets. My life isn't bad either, I didn't have trauma or issues that would have dramatically impacted my views on life. But sometimes, when I'm alone with my thoughts, I think of what it would be like if I just never existed, and how the world would still go on, and the people around me would love other people and do different things. And I also get feelings of guilt? When I think about how lucky I am to be living a safe and healthy life, while others have so little, and so many people care for me even if they don't always show it... and I feel guilt over wanting to disappear and leave this life. When I'm alone, and I start to submerge myself into these scary thoughts, I think of messaging close friends. When I start to text them, it suddenly feels like they wouldn't be able to understand my thoughts, and that if I really exposed my mindset to them, they would just tell me to see a therapist or feel guilty for not being there enough to make me happy all the time. And it's not anyone's job to make sure I feel loved every single second of the day anyways. I don't really want to make a big deal over my thoughts, and I don't want to bring people down by unloading all my problems onto them. So I usually keep them to myself, and it's hard. As much as I want to let it all out and just have someone understand, I wouldn't want them to feel down because of it. I guess that's why I'm here unloading it to the internet to ease my mind. Sometimes I feel this way for just 10 minutes, and it passes quickly and I feel great afterwards, but other times it can last weeks, and I just don't feel like going out or socializing. When people try to reach out, I tell them I'm just tired or lazy and that it's nothing to worry about. It probably makes people mad at times because I seem flaky and lazy, and that if I went out I'd probably shake off my thoughts and feel great again. But I know that once I went home my thoughts would all come rushing back, even worse than before. Nothing makes me feel more alone than going home to an empty room after being surrounded by so many friends.

posted to life by Jerry, Consultant of the Unimaginable Terror (2 comments)

I'm in a funk

confession

So, I have been feeling super off lately. Being a gay teenager in small town Pennsylvania isn't the most exciting thing in the world. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and I feel like I'm drifting. Advice?

posted to life by Yoko, Sniper of the Lonely (4 comments)

I am embarking on a great diet to change my life. I am going extremely low carb, very little table sugar, more meat, more fat, more vegetables, a little fruit. I am feeling better. I am losing weight. I am eating more "healthy fats" and I am less scared of fatty meat if I cut my carbs. In fact with a low carb diet I seem to need more fat calories to have enough energy to function well, but I think fat calories are healthier than carb calories. From recent research I think too many carbs are indicated in heart disease, diabetes, and even some cancers.

posted to life by Adrian, Summoner of Justice (2 comments)

In addition to the “traditional” reasons, your mom may have had you circumcised for at least one or more of the reasons below that she won't tell you (and don't embarrass both of you by asking!):

She wanted you to get blow jobs. Much more likely if you're clean, dry and don't smell bad. Circumcised boys often have to look up the word “smegma” in a dictionary. They have no idea what it is because they never produce any.

She knew that girls like circumcision. It's clean (see above), and it's sexy. The sight of a bare glans (head of the penis) is a major turn on for most women.

She knows or knew another woman who did not have her son circumcised at birth and later regretted it.

She once had a bad experience with an uncircumcised man, or knew another woman who did.

If this post attracts a number of anti-circumcision post, as these kinds of posts often do, ask yourself, this question, based on my own experience what rings true, and what doesn't?

posted to life by Dakota, Sous Chef of Musclebeasts (33 comments)

I'm a 40yo, divorced white male. Single. Lonely - I have no actual friends. I am an introvert and always anxious and often depressed. I have what this society would call a great career but I am not happy and I am tired. I feel depressed. I don't know how (or if I really want to) make new friends at this age. I live in the country in a house I own by myself. I've been on and off Tinder and I don't really have a problem meeting women; but the hassle of starting new relationships just to have them end in heartache once again. I'm overwhelmed with life. How do others maintain happiness? I've done the diet thing, the exercise, the meet-new-people-in-real-life things (serious stays at it for months and years). I've seen a shrink, a therapist, all that. Why do I see so many other people be happy (or at least seem happy) from day to day and I just am not? I sometimes think if I could just sell the house, quit my job, walk away from all my debt and go live on a beach then maybe that would bring me happiness; but the guilt of leaving all that I "have" holds me here.

posted to life by Ash, Magician of the Unimaginable Terror (4 comments)

I'm angry, and I am confused, and I don't know what exactly I did wrong. I followed all of the steps to get a decent job, in an affordable city and I have a family that loves me, and friends back home who check on me to make sure that I am doing okay. I just don't know why I feel so empty and alone. I've made friends at work that I like talking to, and like to think that I am a friendly enough person. I'm just trying to get by, and be happy but I can't seem to figure out what I am doing wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I know that there is no formula to happiness, and I know its not something that is definite or comes and goes.

What I don't understand is this: I have a job I like, with people I like. I have enough to get by, and I have some good friends who have my back. I'm just fucking miserable. When I am alone, I feel desperate and lost and confused and just sad and angry, and it feel pathetic. I tolerate myself enough I just don't want to continue like this, I don't like feeling this way, and ive been trying things to make it different because I know doing the same thing over and over again expecting new results is crazy. Maybe I am just in a funk, but this one won't go away.

Maybe i'll figure it out, maybe I won't. I don't want medicated, but I don't like constantly feeling depressed. Its exhausting.

Thoughts?

posted to life by Aubrey, Knight of Time (2 comments)

I want to be skinny. I want to be the best at something. I want to be not poor.

And all I feel is inadequate. Yay.

posted to life by Peyton, Janitor of the Lonely (4 comments)

High energy sales and marketing professional with experience in sales planning, communications, managing multi-billion dollar licenses, forecasting and analytics. Proven track record of developing customer and licensor relationships and business development. Superior skills in coordinating and organizing top retail sales team and broker network. Member of private equity backed entrepreneurial company that achieved leadership market positions in very competitive consumer goods category.

posted to life by Ari, Breeder of the Poor (0 comments)

Winnetou: The Image of the German Indian. The NAAoG

posted to life by Ash, Herald of the Homeless (0 comments)

Country: Rhineland-Palatinate Location: Kaiserslautern Address: Kreuzhofstr. 5 Postal code: 67659 native American sweat lodge with a Lakota medicine woman

posted to life by Max, CTO of Space (0 comments)

Operating Partner. Doug is focused on the consumer sector. Mr. Corbett is a six-sigma trained executive with significant experience growing and optimizing branded businesses in the U.S., Western Europe and Canada. Mr. Corbett was recently President of InBev USA, a leading importer of specialty beers such as Stella Artois, Beck’s, Bass and Labatt. Mr. Corbett also worked for PepsiCo’s Pizza Hut division and Procter & Gamble Inc. Mr. Corbett holds an Honours Bachelor of Commerce from Queen’s University and an Executive M.B.A. from Insead and The Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. He serves on the company’s board of directors as well as serving as Chairman of the Board of Directors of Zing Zang, LLC. He formerly served on the board of directors of Uintah Engineering & Land Surveying, and was acting Chief Executive Officer of Dr. Fresh, LLC.

posted to life by Bobbie, Clown of the Rich (0 comments)

who will they nominate next? They need a real challenge this time. Maybe they will run Manson. The Supreme Court has been favoring the Republicans recently. I am sure they will overlook Charlie's felony conviction.

posted to life by Nikki, Samurai of the Satisfied (3 comments)

I was twelve years old the first time someone called me "fat". This person was someone close to me, someone I looked up to. I went home that same day, looked at myself in the mirror, and cried.

I was fourteen years old when I realized that my family was different from others. I was surrounded by addiction and mental illness and by people who would do anything to hide these problems. I was taught that these things were shameful. I spent so much time trying to take care of the people around me that I forgot to take care of myself.

I was sixteen years old the first time I locked myself in the bathroom and dragged a razor blade across my skin. I was constantly blaming myself for not being good enough and I felt like I needed some way to release my anger. I still have scars on my arms and legs that I try to keep covered.

I was twenty years old when I convinced myself that the only thing I had control over in life was my weight. I became obsessed with the amount of calories I put into my body. I would go multiple days without eating and when I had to eat, I made sure to get the food out of my system before my body had a chance to digest it. I thought losing the weight would make me happy, but it didn't. I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb out the problems that were still there.

I was twenty-one years old when I passed out in the student center at my college. I hadn't eaten for days and my body had no energy. The nurse in the health center recommended that I seek professional help before I ended up killing myself. A couple days later, my roommate took me to my very first therapy session where I finally came to terms with the fact that I had an eating disorder. For the next three years, I battled my eating disorder, my depression, and my anxiety.

I am twenty-four years old now and I am finally learning how to love and accept myself. I'm taking the journey to recovery one step at a time, and even though it's not always easy, at least I'm finally taking steps in the right direction. After struggling for twelve years of my life, I can finally say I am happy to be alive and I am ready to live my life.

posted to life by Addison, Crusader of the Idealistic (1 comment)

Life sucks, but everyone gets bent out of shape when you talk about ending it. None of these"pro-lifers" do anything to improve the quality of life. Everything is a sham.

posted to life by Bowie, Gigolo of the Poor (3 comments)

I seriously shouldn't have taken a year off or work to have a baby in this shity ass state and town. Here we are almost half way through my child's first year of life and I'm still jobless, and the thoughts I have not working about myself are crazy. The fighting with my man never ends because two children at home and two step children outside our home is a lot to take care of. What people don't tell you about being a stay at home mom, beside the fact that everyone thinks its easy and laughs when we say how hard it really is. It makes you crazy, not all of us get out of our house to do other things or go with other people. It makes you physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted everyday. We are chasing tiny humans around all day long, picking up the 5million messes they make a day, doing dishes three times a day, washing laundry, fighting with little tiny humans who hate to listen to us and we repeat the same things to them a million times a day, holding tiny little humans, and making sure our home stays at the top of its game because we're home all day so we feel we have to. After working for my first child's first half of her whole life I'm going on not working for the second half of hers and seriously I see being a working mom as a job being a vacation away from my children. I really need a break from them. I wish my boyfriend would keep them for just a day or a few hrs while I go do something for myself.

posted to life by Harper, Real Estate Agent of Arts and Crafts (4 comments)

I am sure hell is on earth, we are born to struggle and be a slave to rules, you get old and before you know it your reaching new milestones in age but more and more you ask yourself "how did I get here, I have achieved nothing...I have so much more struggles to overcome..."

Life sucks, the good times only last a few seconds in the hours of stormy moments!

posted to life by Dakota, Summoner of the Wicked (4 comments)

ein Krimineller sattelt um auf Plastikschamane.Die Native American Association of Germany

posted to life by Stevie, Templar of the IT department (1 comment)

My Insides

confession

Mental harm. Have you ever thought about that? It's not physical harm but it can feel just about the same, just in a different way. It's sitting in a place inside of your brain. It has walls of steel that you think you can never escape. You don't like the person that you become when you are trapped here. It is not you. It's just not you. But no matter how you try to control it, it stays there in every little thing you do. It creates fear and worry. It makes you feel like you aren't good enough. For anything or anyone. There is something weighing all of your body down. It does feel physical. It's as if you have a brick sitting inside of you letting you know you're not okay. It can come quick or painfully slow. You sit and wait. Waiting for it to go away or to find a happy feeling. Then, you pretend to be happy. You are happy. I am happy. But you can't see my insides.

posted to life by Stevie, Secretary of the Idealistic (1 comment)

HELPPP NEEDED

advice

I just want help in choosing a face for my main character for a book I'm writing. Main character is Bryley O'Connor's, 17 years old brown hair, green eyes. A. Holly Earl B.India Eisley C. Barbara Palvin If anyone can just pick one I would be very greatfullll.

posted to life by Andy, Chef of the Financial Services department (0 comments)

274 days ago It all started with a promise to my self - Your going to change your life starting today - well that day was a life changer. Ive lost 220 LBs and have gained confidence beyond my wildest dreams. Now its time to get the girl of my dreams the girl that drives my mind crazy. When i hear name or see her smiling face time seems to stand still, yet she keeps moving and there is not much i can do except go for it what is there to lose. Try to win her over, try to get here to notice I am the guy that she is looking for because she is girl I'm looking for. My heart races in her presence i choke up and words become lost. But why wait, i have fucked up and missed chances my whole life by waiting well its time to say yes and go after the things i want in life. I have quit and given up on many things in my life well no longer. Today i go for everything, we all have the same 24hrs in a day why waste them complaining or feeling sorry for your self just get up and go.

Time stands still Beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything, take away What's standing in front of me Every breath, every hour has come to this

posted to life by Rebecca, Shadow of the Lonely (0 comments)

Aku gak habis pikir, mengapa NU (Nahdatul Ulama) membenci HTI (Hizbut Tahrir Indonesia)?   Mungkin orang-orang NU yang sekarang adalah orang-orang yang sudah keturunan generasi ke banyak dari para pendiri NU jaman dahulu. Ingat enggak sejarah, jaman dulu kakek dan nenek moyang NU, mereka ada hubungan baik dan sangat mendukung adanya kekhilafahan islam, apa lagi waktu itu kekhilafahan islam masih berdiri. Setelah mengalami pendidikan barat lewat sekolah formal, generasi muda NU sudah kehilangan arah dari para generasi pendahulu mereka, mereka sudah terdemokrasikan, terdidik secara barat dengan paham-paham kebaratbaratan. Namanya otak dan hati, mereka akan ikut apa kata guru mereka. Nah, dah sekarang inilah yang terjadi, generasi muda NU sudah lupa bahwa kakek dan nenek moyang mereka dulu setuju bahwa negara yang benar adalah negara yang berdasarkan atas syariat islam; sekarang ya sudah, karena islam kalah start dalam mendidik generasi muda. Inggat kan, pondok-pondok pesantren dengan berjalannya waktu sudah terpojok dan terpinggirkan. Apalagi di jaman kekuasaan Pak harto. Wah pesat kemundurannya. Sehingga orang desa malu menyekolahkan anak mereka ke pondok-pondok pesantren, mereka lebih suka menyekolahkan anak-anak mereka ke sekolahan bikinan negara yang notabene cara pendidikannya adalah cara pendidikan sekskualer. kesimpulan, orang-orang nu sekarang yang membenci HTI adalah anak-anak yang salah asuhan. Umumnya mereka sudah tercemari oleh cara berpikir, cara berperasaan, dan cara beriman model sekskualir. Ini hanyalah pendapat dan pandangan pribadi, mohon kalau salah untuk diluruskan......... 
posted to life by Blaine, Sheriff of the Rich (5 comments)

I'm trying to put into words all of the things in my head right now, and I either come up blank or with jumbled thoughts. I just need somewhere to write everything that I can, so if you're brave - keep reading! If not, I won't be offended.

For so long I had a life plan mapped out. I thought I had everything figured out. This summer, I quit my teaching job in Colorado in order to pursue a new career at a university in California. Tomorrow, it all begins with an 18 hour car ride.

With every transition there's anxiety, racing thoughts, uncertainty, and of course sadness. Today's one of those days where I am really unsure of where my mind is actually at. I've stated how testing these last three years have been. I've known that I was strong-willed and often lionhearted, but I don't think anything really could have prepared me for the adversity, hatred, and trails that I have encountered. I have chosen to keep many of the things hushed for the fear of sinking deeper into a dark place where I was at, and so that the people that I really cared about would not be affected more than they already were. The truth behind the last few years is that I was not in an okay place.. I was not myself all of the time.. I was subjected to misfortune, threats, and emotional abuse.. I fell victim to not sleeping for days and becoming ill.. But, why? I don't regret it. I would do it all over again in order to see the success I had. It sounds sick, but I would! I guess that's why I've been so bitter about being called selfish so much over the last few weeks. I've given up a lot because I refuse to let anything or anyone separate me from achieving excellence in any situation.

For so long I was told that I was less than what I am. I always wondered why, and I am constantly reminded of the fact that I don't fit the traditional norms of a Hispanic man. That's not who I am, nor is it who I want to be. I won't apologize for being me anymore or loving who I love. Am I a lot to handle? Of course. Do I get stuck in my own head a lot? Yeah, and believe me, it's not safe - bring a weapon and a flashlight. Do I have any regrets? I want to say yes, but really I know that every tear shed has been worth it. Am I in any way, shape, form, or idea a perfect human? No, but all of my tattoos, scars, and the number of people that know of my name (and those that are going to be learning about who I am) are warrants to how much I work my ass off!

I often feel crazy for not knowing what's next, and as much as I say I want to know - I really don't. Can you imagine living in a world where you fear every next step because you know that there's disappointment that might come upon you? Fuck no, I know that I'm going to hit some bumps and rough places in the road, and especially that I'll cry a bit. I know that!! Especially because that's where I have been, and I've seen some unimaginable things from overbearing and hate-filled "adults" too. I've learned to expect the unexpected, and take risks even if you end up shattered afterwards. To be completely honest, I am terrified right now. I'm moving one thousand miles away from the only state I've ever known. I have no idea what my life will look like tomorrow, in a week, in a month, or even a year from now. I have no clue who will be in my life, whether my heart will be full or empty, or even if I'll have a close friend to get a beer with. Am I mad about things that have happened over the last three years? Heck yeah, I am furious. Am I going to bring those things with me anymore? No, because I don't have the capacity to be filled with this disgruntled feeling anymore. I should be very grateful for the journey and opportunity that I have set in front of me. And you know what? I am, especially because I've gone through Hell to get there.

I have scored the opportunity of a lifetime.

I have learned about myself and all that I am capable of.

I have fallen in love and had my heart in a million pieces a few times.

I have made mistakes and learned to walk again afterwards.

I have made the best friends a man could ask for.

I have realized that I am not going to settle for anything ever again.

I have looked a negative life in the eye and turned away because I have so much to live for.

I have earned the patience of many wise people because there is no reason to rush to find answers.

I have overcome obstacles that most people will not.

I have just written all of the thoughts in my head and you probably think I'm crazy for putting everything on paper, and that's okay!

If you made it to this point you are either also in tears because you have been with me through it all, you're reading this thinking I'm over-the-top and too dramatic, or you are someone that likes to read walls of text with no emotions and gets over the occasional misuse of grammar. Either way, congratulations!!! Now my friends, I may not know what tomorrow is going to bring, but I definitely know that I'm going to make the most out of the next chapter of my life. I will not second guess this opportunity or the decisions I made to get to where I am. My bags are packed, I've said my goodbyes, and I hope you will join me every step of the way.

posted to life by Rook, Architect of the Wildlands (0 comments)

When I was in my twenties, I struggled. Many people would often tell me that I was very nice and friendly and open-minded. And I lived up to that description pretty well. I had many friends who were older and "wiser" and kept saying, "When you get to 30, everything gets so much better. Just you wait." And they would list off the various reasons as to why 30 was the best to them: they finally felt comfortable in their own skin and stopped caring about what other people thought of them; their career came together; they found 'the one' and settled down; all that dreams-coming-true experiences. I took this as a sign that if I kept investing in my career and investing in my body for my health believing that my hard work and dedication would eventually 'attract' what I wanted in my future that it would eventually come together and magically -- at 30 -- I would be so glad and happy and living the life I really wanted. But I guess I should've paid more attention to the pattern of my life to know my experience wouldn't be what their promises are.

30 came and went two years ago. Right before my 30th birthday, my health began deteriorating. I have psoriasis now. I ended up on bed rest for two months for herniated discs in my neck which has rendered my right arm disgustingly weak. The things I loved to do like yoga, running, playing sports and just plain being active came to a halt. I gained 20 pounds. Because my career at the time was dependent on my physical abilities to be resilient and last long hours doing moderately physical work, I had to look at changing careers. My health insurance wasn't any assistance, they told me over and over that there was nothing they could do for me to make my living better outside of prescribing more drugs -- which, of course, I didn't want because I do believe once you start messing with those, you're at their mercy (especially since the drugs I was going to take would be affecting my nervous system and brain responding).

So here I was, on my 30th birthday, alone on my bed without a soul near me to help me blow out my candles, desperate to find ways to make money since I was broke. I tried to get together a few people to help me start a new project as I saw as a way to make money, but their assistance just created more heartbreak and more pain. They dropped off the project claiming I was too amateur to support. I fell into a deep depression. I ended up dating a guy who was so abusive that he called me to 'comfort' me and in the same conversation, he belittled me saying, "I'm only dating you so i'm not alone. You're not pretty and if someone prettier comes along, I'm leaving you for them." He said a lot more meaner stuff.

The depression grew so great that I was ready to call my life over and be done with it all. Occasionally some great things would happen -- I'd get booked on a small project here or there that, miraculously, would allow me to pay rent and have some food -- but the pattern of my life would slam down. When something good happens, something equally as bad would occur.

Call it Karma. Call it the yin-yang of the universe that everything good has a little bad and everything bad has a little good. The key word I used to believe in was the 'LITTLE'. I figured if you had something great happen, then only something small would occur. No, apparently not. Life likes to keep you on the edge. So, when I went down with my neck, it balanced out the fact that I was five pounds away from my beach body weight and actually felt like I had a group of friends I could trust and hang out with. But no, Life had to do it's 'balancing act' and remind me that my beach body will be taken away from me and the group of friends would soon become those who i thought were 'friends.' Because I'm keenly aware of this, I live my life very calculated. I don't step too far out of the bounds that I know are safe. Which, to a degree, is very sad for me. I don't get to play in the high excitements of life because I'm afraid of what might be taken away if I enjoy it. I also try not to go too far into the dark because I'm afraid of what great thing might come along and the fact that I'll be too far gone and depressed to actually enjoy it. All i wanted was to be taken to a place where everything could just be placed on hold until I could break this cycle. Where I wouldn't miss important deadlines or feel like I lost time and regret things. But there's no such refuge.

I got in touch with a counselor who helped me through some of the depression and mind destruction I was going through. Things started to get better. 31 came and went -- still alone, just not banned to my bed. I had just finished working on my biggest project after making a career change. I finally found a guy who treated me relatively well. Things were to be looking up. But no, after finishing that big project and turning 31, I crashed my car. The balancing act occurred again.

More of these events occurred. I tried to let these events fall off my back like it was nothing. I started breaking through and finally became financially stable again. I got my car fixed. I was getting work consistently. I got back to the gym and broke through what the doctors tried to convince me wouldn't be possible for me ever again. But then a few days ago...

I hit a cyclist. With my car. I did a legal U-turn, I looked both ways. I waited. I turned and as I looked back forward, the cyclist was on the hood of my car. FROM NOWHERE. IN. THE. MIDDLE. OF. THE. INTERSECTION! Being a cyclist myself, I know you're supposed to ride closest to the curb. So how did i hit him? How could I have been neglectful? Why didn't he stop? My life flashed before my eyes. I saw myself going to jail. I saw myself losing everything I had just gained in my life -- my finances, my career, my physical gains -- gone. I stopped my car. I got out. The cyclist got up. He didn't appear to be severely hurt and even he, himself, said he was okay. I couldn't speak. I was frozen and paralyzed.

Then the worst of it triggered me. Some witness who said he saw everything started screaming, "YOU WHITE ENTITLED PIECE OF SHIT CRACKER! YOU HIT HIM! YOU'RE GONNA LOSE EVERYTHING AND YOU DESERVE TO BE FUCKED UP!" I screamed at this guy at the top of my lungs. I don't even remember what I said. I blacked out and saw red. I just recalled him continuing to call me "bitch" and "white piece of shit." This witness wouldn't let me talk to the guy i hit. I got back in my car and waited as I heard sirens in the background of the city noise. My inner self kept saying, "Why wasn't it me that was hit? I would give everything to be the guy who I hit. I deserve to be the one in the road laying dead. Why am I okay? Why!?"

I was shaking and trembling. Uncontrollable tears were rolling down my face. The officers did their due diligence; rudely, because why be kind to a woman who just hit a cyclist? Not like she could use any comforting words. Might as well claim her guilty until proven otherwise. As things began to settle for me, I began to ask questions: "What direction was he coming from?" "Who is he?" "Why is he going to the hospital?" But because i had already been crying, they refused to answer. I mustered up the courage to ask if someone would just "talk to me" and they all burst out laughing at me. I don't remember any of the events of what happened during my hysteria, and when I asked if I could give my statement, the officers said I told three people and that my stories were consistent, so there wasn't any need to give any further statements."

They called my boyfriend to pick me up. The paramedics said I couldn't drive in the state that I was in. I didn't want to drive. I knew my time to drive was over. My insurance was either going to drop me or raise my rates incredibly high to where I couldn't afford it anymore. The cyclist was probably going to sue me for every little penny i have -- which wouldn't be much, but to me it's barely enough to support my own livelihood. I was speechless by the time he got me home. I still couldn't comprehend what had happened. Why did this happen to me? If I am nice and open-minded, and kind and friendly and all that, then why are so many horrible things happening to me? And this event, being the worst thing in my life, why did it have to be me?

I still don't know why. I now have nightmares where the event continues to replay over and over again. I don't want to sleep because the anxiety is killing me. I still haven't gotten behind the wheel of my car since the accident -- i don't want to either because what if something worse happens. What if I kill someone, or myself? I've stopped spending money outside of the bare necessities because when it comes time to fork it over, I'd rather it be ready and available to say, "Here. I hope it brings you more joy that it was going to bring for me." I haven't been able to focus on my next project or cared to do anything good for me. I've considered giving up and accepting a sad soul-less job at a fast food restaurant because, honestly, I don't deserve better. And if I do, the world would probably take aim and kill me because this 'balancing act' would make it so.

I wish I could go back and change hitting the guy. I know I would be better off. I might actually have broken the pattern then. But no. Now I get to be terrified in my own skin, in my own life. Without tools to break out of this life defeating pattern. And what's worse is I don't feel anyone understands. The ultimate question is: "To end this, do I have to end my life?"

posted to life by David, Garçon of Arts and Crafts (0 comments)

He has created this safe place for us to rant.

posted to life by Adrian, Administrator of Wild Parties (0 comments)

In my childhood, my mom used to punish me like this. She,d put liquid soap, or detergent or shampoo, in my mouth, and then'd put a piece of tape to close my mouth. And I had to keep it in my mouth for 2-3 hrs. The taste would stick in my mouth for days. I hated it. Anybody else been punished like that?

posted to life by Nadine, Embalmer of the Wicked (1 comment)

I recently found out I am 6 weeks pregnant. My fiance and both of our families are extremely excited. I, however, am not. I hate the fact that I'm pregnant and constantly wish for a miscarriage or fantasize about how I could get an abortion with no one ever finding out. I'm already getting gifts and my MIL squeals with excitement, but all of these things just annoy me. On top of that, my body is going through the cliche pregnant lady changes and I have morning sickness (which I don't understand why they call it morning sickness because I'm sick the entire day). I am depressed, miserable, and not looking forward to my breasts leaking milk for the next year. I don't want the full time responsibility of raising a child either. When I walk through the baby section in a store, I don't become elated with joy at seeing the tiny outfits. I prefer not to hold people's babies and frankly it's rare I find one cute. They annoy me with their crying in restaurants and when someone brings one into a movie theater, I feel a strong need to ask the mother what the fuck was she thinking. I feel like my life is now over--all of these little fantasies I had about going back for a Masters or JD will now be put to bed, living in Barcelona will never happen. And on top of that, I can't go on my fucking ski vacation! I want to run away, live by myself, and never see any of you people ever again.
posted to life by Harper, Gunner of Generosity (171 comments)

Funny how the world can be dissaving. Looking up at the world, with my little body wrapped in precious love and protection that can never be found anywhere else, only in my parent’s hearts. Being little was awesome, I was born with the world at my feet before I could even stand. Goals as big as the expectations my family held. My only ambition was to shine for them, so they shone with pride. It’s not that my ambition has changed either. They are my life. In my bad days, it really did go to show that I live for them. See suicide isn’t ending the pain only passing it on to the people you love and the people who truly do love you. But what is love? See just from almost 21 years of life, I could list many ‘feelings’ associated with love, but is it love? The love I have for people is different. There is my love for my family, there is the love I have for my friends or shall I say who have ME as a friend, there’s the ex’s that just turned out to be lust and at the time very strong lust, love for yourself, there’s the love for my baby who never got the chance to live and then theres him. Soul destroying, selfish, heart-breaking idiot who not only makes you break but who becomes your ambition, your life, and the love for yourself, well the love for myself… went straight out of the window. Suffering from depression is something I can never begin to explain, some days its severe, some days I feel invincible. Mum always told me “the happiest girl is always the prettiest”, I was always that happy girl. Never stopped smiling, even now. Dad always told me “There’s not a star out of your reach” but the only star I want to reach is my baby in the sky. The pain, from that one ‘love’ and the forever eternal effects from the ‘situation-ship’ that came with him, I carry; under every smile, laugh, blink and tear, it will be there. See people do you over, that’s people for you. They don’t realise their actions and choices hurt. Sometimes even their words just for the fact that they are too easily spoken. He never provided me with happiness, only the words that are easy to fall for. How naïve. I could say it was “perfectly unfinished” but trust me its finished and nothing perfect about it. I could say “nothing lasts forever” but I know that the love my mother and father share will carry on until the world stops spinning. Generations of us will forever be marked by their true beauty and love. That’s what I want and it is what I’ll get. “time is a great healer” says parents. we will see over time with these blogs/ documents how time heals me. Right now I am so happy, yet so sad. But my family are the wind beneath my wings.

Writter: S-LW

posted to life by Max, Scout of the craft table (0 comments)

So my mom(38) has a new boyfriend. They're having sex all the time. What bothers me is I can hear all the dirty talk they say during sex. Like, "yeah, fuck me in my ass baby. Choke me daddy. Swallow you whore. Who's my slutbunny." Etc,. The other night I was passing by her room, he winked at me before going in. What do I do? It's so irritating

posted to life by Frank, Pope of Imagination (2 comments)

Especially when I'm a non-student crossdresser who wants to go out for a walk through campus while wearing my PVC capri pants in the silicon valley.

posted to life by Adrian, Garçon of Space (1 comment)

He took his ball and went home because he thought the other kids might laugh at him

posted to life by Lisa, Fashion Designer of the Hungry (1 comment)

St. Josefs Indianer Hilfswerk e.V. would like everyone to send their donations to An independent registered 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, South Dakota, USA. We improve the quality of reservation life through relationships, shared resources and volunteer services. Re-Member

P.O. Box 5054 Pine Ridge, SD 57770 US

(605) 867-2282 [filtered hyperlink] [filtered hyperlink] Sie können den not leidenden Kindern der Lakota-Sioux helfen Re-Member

P.O. Box 5054 Pine Ridge, SD 57770 US

(605) 867-2282 [filtered hyperlink]

posted to life by Addison, Pirate of the Wicked (0 comments)

stjosefs.de

advice

If you want to learn more about the Lakota Indians and their culture. please send your donations to Tipi Raisers Share Your Story Donate Tipi Raisers Logo South Dakota > Pine Ridge please do not donate to St. Josefs Indian Relief Society please send your donations to [filtered hyperlink]

posted to life by Stevie, Consultant of Wild Parties (0 comments)

High Ridge Brands, headquartered in Stamford, Connecticut, is focused on providing high-quality personal care products at compelling value. Today, High Ridge Brands has a portfolio of trusted, iconic brands serving skin cleansing, hair care, and oral care markets primarily across North America and Europe. Its brand portfolio includes Alberto VO5®, Binaca®, Coast®, Dr. Fresh®, Firefly®, LA Looks®, Rave®, REACH®, Salon Grafix®, Thicker Fuller Hair®, White Rain®, Zero Frizz®, Zest®, as well as several licenses such as Barbie, Hello Kitty, Spiderman, Star Wars and Transformers. With offices in Stamford, CT, Buena Park, CA, Slough, UK and Shenzhen, China, High Ridge Brands has a global presence. The company operates an asset-light business model, outsourcing most of its manufacturing needs, and currently has approximately 160 employees worldwide.

posted to life by Blaine, Security Guard of the Poor (0 comments)

High Ridge Brands, headquartered in Stamford, Connecticut, is focused on providing high-quality personal care products at compelling value. Today, High Ridge Brands has a portfolio of trusted, iconic brands serving skin cleansing, hair care, and oral care markets primarily across North America and Europe. Its brand portfolio includes Alberto VO5®, Binaca®, Coast®, Dr. Fresh®, Firefly®, LA Looks®, Rave®, REACH®, Salon Grafix®, Thicker Fuller Hair®, White Rain®, Zero Frizz®, Zest®, as well as several licenses such as Barbie, Hello Kitty, Spiderman, Star Wars and Transformers. With offices in Stamford, CT, Buena Park, CA, Slough, UK and Shenzhen, China, High Ridge Brands has a global presence. The company operates an asset-light business model, outsourcing most of its manufacturing needs, and currently has approximately 160 employees worldwide.

posted to life by Peyton, Attendant of the Homeless (0 comments)

Entertainment & Consumer Marketing Leader with expertise and record-setting results in:

  • Entertainment & Youth Marketing including year-round buzz building, next generation media plans & community driven Pop Culture launches, helping grow Call of Duty into the leading Entertainment franchise of its generation, and 4 consecutive largest entertainment launches in history, $2BB, and 20%+ growth.
  • Consumer Packaged Goods expertise including product launch, retail marketing, catalog management, and driving consumer insights into offerings to drive innovation and growth.
  • Media expertise driving worldwide Strategy, buying, partner selection, and flighting across full sprectrum of new & traditional media with $30-40MM+ budget launches.
  • General Management expertise including managing billion dollar P&Ls, international oversight, and project management.
  • Product Development roadmaps including collaborating with developers, producers, and consumers to drive 5+ year product Franchise plans, & concepts for new products.
  • Partnership & Licensing expertise including direct relationships & driving eight-figure partnersips with Licensing, Corporate Alliance, & technology partners like Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo, Jeep, Monster, Sprint, and others.
  • Digital Leadership - Managed go-to-market, media, and social media plans for largest Digital launches in the industry - generating more than $250MM, 10MM downloadable content purchases, and 12MM active social community conversions.

Passion for entertainment, games, electronics, music, action sports, and 21st century marketing building a conversation with consumers.

Specialties: Consumer Marketing & Product Strategy, New Product Development & Launch, Entertainment & Youth Marketing, Project Management, Licensing & Partnerships, Media Planning & Social, International Marketing, General Manageme

posted to life by Dana, Referee of Wild Parties (0 comments)

Dr. Fresh dental division specializes in providing affordable quality products for use by both consumers and dental professionals. Dr. Fresh brands include Dr. Fresh Dailies, Dr. Fresh Travel Kits, Firefly, Binaca, TEK, Aim and licensed products such as Marvel Heroes, Peanuts and Barbie. Dr. Fresh is also affiliated with Crest, Colgate and others.We license Pepsodent,Close-UP and AIM brands in USA and Canada.

posted to life by Kadnyce, Druid of Musclebeasts (0 comments)

Seasoned executive with 20+ years experience in the consumer products industry. Successfully built and led several high performance teams, developed strategies and recommendations for clients, implemented a multitude of analytics and technology supporting sales, marketing, and research as well as provided strategic direction to executive management. Unique talent of consulting organizations to elevate their capabilities and market value-added intellectual capital to their customers. Aptitude for and proven record of collaborating across various functional lines and agendas to achieve superior results. Leverage and apply consumer & shopper insights to key strategic pillars; rapidly build and strengthen client relationships; capable of quickly solving problems and keeping relationships on track; unique ability to view issues through client’s perspective.

posted to life by Ash, Scout of the Lonely (0 comments)