life

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Bulimic Blogger

confession
Hi there, I am a 19 year old girl and I have had bulimia since the age of 14. It feels weird calling it that. I don't like being put into a category like that. But I guess when you vomit your food up every day that's the only thing you really can describe me as, other than 'ill' or 'sick'. I began my bulimic adventure at the ripe age of 14 years when I travelled to Australia to visit my cousin. She was a stunning slim, tanned, blonde a year old than myself. At this point in my life I had starting having big body issues. Turns out being a teenage girl puts a lot of pressure on your appearance. My cousin didn't help in making me feel like a big fat blob. Although it's vague in my memory how it really started this is how the events unravelled to the best of my memory -  My cousin and I went to the bathroom at a restaurant together and ended up sitting around in it chatting about life (it was a rather nice bathroom, not like rank with tagging everywhere). This was when she told me she had tried vomiting up food after eating. This was the first time i had ever really known anything about this actually happening in REAL LIFE. I mean you saw it in movies and stuff but people actually did it?! Well from then on it was inception. The idea was planted in my head and it wasn't going anywhere. I don't think I tried it until after I flew back home. Would love to recall my first time. I think I remember trying the whole fingers down the throat technique but decided it wasn't for me. Then over the months following I must have discovered the method I use today. I don't know if anyone else can do it like I can. Maybe I'm special. I've never really talked to another builimic. I guess the best quote to describe it is "Look mum! No hands!". I think just before I started this gradual introduction to the eating disorder lifestyle I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time - which maybe was my reason for body consciousness. The aim was to attract new men. One night I got really drunk and cried to a new friend I had made about it. I made her promise not to tell anyone. She now thinks I've stopped...  I also tried going to a counsellor at school but she was just telling me everything I didn't want to be told - To stop. So that wasn't very long-lived.  The next boyfriend came when I was almost 15. The one I 'lost' it to. We were together for just over a year. I think I told him about the bulimia when we were about halfway through our relationship and he took it well because he was a... hmmm.. how shall we say this? Self-harmer? So he could relate because maybe I described it as being like a release for me. Anyway I was reasonably slim by then I think. Ahhh those were the days. When we broke up I remember thinking god I hope he doesn't tell someone.  There was an instance when my friend was staying over and I had vomited in the bathroom and forgot to flush. My dad saw it and took me aside saying "I think your friend might be sick". I went along with it thinking thank fuck she was there or what else would he have thought? My cover would have been blown!  Age 16 brought on yet another boyfriend. I think it took me longer to tell him because I knew he wouldn't agree with it so much. He reacted the way I thought he would. I had to promise I'd stop doing it. Which I did. For maybe like a day? So yeah it was like a viscious cycle of him telling me not to and then I'd have to lie and say I hadn't. Just makes you feel like not telling anybody. When I moved away to get a degree I got a new boyfriend who is now my current lovely man and he has no idea what I do to myself every single day. Sometimes I think about telling him but then I know that I will regret it. i've tried to stop. The longest I went was two days. And maybe 3 times in that whole week. That's pretty good for me. The problem with having the condition that I have is that when I eat, my body won't keep it down anymore. I feel as though I am too hesitant to go to the doctor to find out all the things that are wrong with me after 5 years of doing this to myself. My teeth got really bad and at the age of 17 I got them cleaned because they looked disgusting. I've now just had to get fillings and I'm pretty sure the reason there were holes was because of the constant stomach acid passing by them.    Having this problem/disease/condition. Whatever you want to call it. It ruins your life. I don't know when I will ever be able to stop and it scares me. My stomach puts me in excruciating pain at times and I just have to deal with it because I won't get help. I wish that I could go back to me at age 14 and say "Don't do this" - "Eat and put on weight and just be happy being you." But that's not possible.  Nobody could ever know what it's like unless they experienced it.  You may think I'm sick and fucked up. But the truth is there a probably people that you see every day that are just like me. And I am not depressed. I live a happy life. Except for the one small problem. I can't keep my food down.      One thing I have learnt is don't vomit up marshmellows. They float in the toilet and stay there :)
posted to life by Blaine, Crusader of the Wicked (20 comments)

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Blaine, Crusader of the IT department,
Please join my blog. I am starting a my recovery for the first and true time today and would so appreciate your support, words, and advice -- it honestly would mean the world to me and could seriously help me in times of need. confident-casey.blogspot.com Thank you so much! ConfidentCasey