Would you be here if you had one?

So, this started over a year ago.  My bridal shower guest for last June got messed up and HORRIBLY, my mother-in-law's invitation went to the wrong address and her sister and neice were left off.  The error wasn't caught until my maid of honor sent out an email asking people who hadn't yet done so to RSVP.   My mother in law immediately sent me a text message asking why she never got an invitation.  Well, I fully admit I made the guest list and the errors were TOTALLY my fault.  But since beyond creating the guest list, I had no part in the planning of the shower I had no idea that she didn't know about it until she sent me that text.   I immediately called her to apologize because it was my fault and I was SO sorry, but she refused to take my phone calls.  So I texted her begging her to please answer the phone because I was so sorry.  She texted me that she was not coming to the shower nor was she coming to the wedding and to never text her again.    Well, I told my fiance (now husband) and he was livid that she wouldn't talk to me so he stormed over to her house and said some things to her that he shouldn't have...  I wanted to call to apologize to his aunt for the oversight on the guest list, but my fiance told me not to because he said that side of the family was crazy and it wouldn't help to apologize.  I didn't agree, but I listened because that's his family.  Well, the day before the shower, I just thought it was so wrong that I hadn't called to apologize to them and I figured better late than never.  So I called his aunt - got her voicemail.  I said I was sorry for not having called sooner and that it was a mistake and that I would love it if she and her daughter would come to the shower the next day. Later that evening, I got a text from my mother-in-law said that I would never be forgiven for calling her sister so late and that I was "shit in her eyes forever." So...maybe my fiance was right that I shouldn't have called.  I've never been called shit by anyone.  ever.  never.  It was so mean and hurtful and uncalled for.  I'd tried to apologize to her, but she wouldn't hear it.  Apparently apologies aren't appreciated... Well needless to say it was a rough 2 months until our wedding.  Up until the week before she wouldn't talk to us and refused to come ot the wedding... She ended up coming to the wedding and when I saw her I broke down in tears because I was happy and sad at the same time.  Happy she came, but sad that it had to be under such strained terms.   She got extrememly drunk during cocktail hour and came behind the head table during dinner and hugged me and said she was sorry.  My response?  "It's  ok."  I found out later that my response was a real problem to her... Anyways, after the wedding in August, things were ok.  We didn't see her again until November when we gathered to watch the wedding video. Christmas time came and she invited us to her sister's house for christmas eve.  The same sister who didn't come to the shower and who refused to attend our wedding over the shower invitation fiasco.  Well, my husband's dad felt the need to butt in and tell her that we didn't want to go to her sister's house for Christmas Eve because we were uncomfortable and that, really, we felt like she (my mother-in-law) still owed us an apology for the things she'd said.  WE NEVER SAID THAT!!!  After the wedding, we were ready to let it go!  We didn't want an apology!  We just wanted it to go away!!! Well...shit.   It's June now.  A year later.  And it still hasn't gone away.  It's only gotten much worse. I'll jump to the chase.  I'm pregnant now.  With her first grandchild. My husband did not want to talk to her.  But I figured the right thing to do was to contact her to let her know that she was going to have a grand child.  It took a few weeks, but finally I and a few friends were able to convince him to call her.   He got her voicemail - the box was full.  So he sent her a text.   Her response - "Congratulations to you and your family." apparently she's forgotten who her family is... Anyway - she wrote an email back to my husband and said she was truly happy for us.   But my husband was so hurt by her first response, he chose to not write her back.  She didn't respond well to that... She sent another email saying that she'd supported our relationship while others talked behind our back.  She said she was tired of her family being excluded from things and that she would be receptive to hearing from him, but not his father, brother, aunt or his wife - that would be me. First off - I never purposely excluded them!  I didn't know them well enough to NOT invite them anywhere.  They were on the wedding guest list but I missed them on the shower list.  I apologized and got called names and then ignored.  What more can I do???  Anyway - She'd been somehow stalking us on facebook.  She saw some photos of a party we had to celebrate finding out we were having a boy.  She sent me an email.  She told me that I'd stolen her family from her.  She called me a monster.  She called me a bitch.   How am I supposed to respond to that?  Well, I responded by blocking her from facebook.  And so did my husband.  Her response to that? She wrote to my husband that we were fucking crazy.  And then... And I quote... "I hope you lose everything hotshot.  Including your niglett baby." (I'm black and my husband is white.) Well, I have it set in my head that if she thinks my baby deserves to die, on top of being a niglett, she can live with never seeing him. My husband says she didn't mean it.  He says she was just hurt and trying to get a reaction out of us.   My reaction is that she can go to hell.    But she's obviously troubled.  She's having a lot of financial troubles.  And she's began drinking.  My husband thinks she may be on drugs...I can say I don't really care whether she was under the influence or meant it.  She will never be forgiven for that.  Am I wrong???  Is it my fault?  I apologized and was called names.  My apologizes were never accepted, but I tried.  But it's like she's foregetting that she called me shit.  It's like she's forgotten that she told my husband I was not welcome near her again...  I don't know what to do.  My husband is hurting.  He wants a relationship with his mother but he things she's not in her right mind and isn't sure he sould try to reach out to her.  He's afraid of what she might say this time.   I feel like it's a hard situation.  So many details.  So many sides.  And this has been long enough.  But I think this is enough detail for you to get the gist. Am I wrong?  Or is she a bitch?  I've tried to apologize for the mistakes that I know I made but she's blaming me for things I haven't done...  I don't know.  What do you think?
posted to life by Aubrey, Consultant of the Wildlands (11 comments)

Adrian, Author of the Hungry,

Wow. You know I was hoping to find this site to vent about my own, but here I am feeling increasingly sorry for you and knocking my woes aside. Just stop caring man. Ignore her, she doesn't exist once she says anything against precious cargo. That's when the gloves come off. There are good grandmas, moms, etc in the world and then there are the bad and with the bad we stay as safe as possible, give them the oh-so-famous bird and wave goodbye.

Stevie, Pope of the Idealistic,

She has an ego so huge that it is more important for her to be the victim in the case of a human error. You are a better person for moving on-just move on. When the day comes that she can come and apologize for being such a bitch then perhaps things could be saved but until then-live your lives and ignore her and anyone else who is not nice to you. xo

Addison, Maiden of Generosity,

Yeah , she is a bitch! don't waste any more time trying to make things right with her, she will never be happy. ANYONE who says they wish your baby would die and then proceeds to use that word deserves no more of your energy.

Ari, Scout of Light,

... Well I hope you get this I too have a "monster in-law" and also appologies for my barbaric text I'm using my phone..... I have been scouring the net looking for an explaination for this phenomena apparently this is part of a distructive and dysfunctional cycle she created when your husband was a young child, when her own marriage wasn't meeting her emotional needs she turned to the child, the survival mode "you stole my family" is pure anamistic instint she can't handle sharing his emotional love and trust with you she fears he will choose you over her, any rational and stable person aka you and I would see this isn't the case at all. Google it I might be able to find the link I book marked it however it explains the psychologic break down of why these mother act this way and tips for beating her at her own manipulative ways. She plays guilt cards tells him lies to get him to leave you blah blah blah I feel ya! My mother inlaw wants me to take a polygragh! And she owns one seriously!" What kind of psycho am I dealing with here? She tells my husband I'm cheating I'm a whore and our son isn't me I know how frustrated you are. And I too play the defend game constantly because she's always in my space. My husband is finally starting to see it for what is really going on and we are trying to teach her boundaries. My best advice is she did create and raise the father of your children and the man you love/go to bed with at with that said I personally bite my tougue for my husbands sake I occasionally tell her off what she crosses the line but I keep it polite remember you don't have to explain yourself to anyone! (Husband. And son excluded of couse) stop trying to console her she is a grown women and needs to get over the fact her child have grown to a man with a family of his own....if you know its disfunctional don't be so shocked! She lives breatjes eats and believe your the problem nothing you say will convice her otherwise keep it civil but don't play her games ignore her drama eventually she will grow bored that she no longer gets a responce from you and go away. No fun if there is no reaction right? Good luck to ya girl know your not alone and I truly feel your pain

Ash, Investigator of Time,

hey you have nothing to worry about you arew not the problem your mother inlaw is she is a horrible woman and a total racist which i assume she is dont have anything to do with her and dont let her see her grnadchild.

Dana, Sniper of the Poor,

My mother in law is a bitch too. The worst part is that we live together - Me, my wife and my 2 kids. I am just waiting her to die (hopefully soon) before I do.

Adrian, Accountant of the Idealistic,

Your mother in law is a bitch and not you. My mother in law is a bitch, too. At least your husband is standing behind you. My fiance runs to his mom every time we fight, and when I go over to talk to him, she slams the door in my face and says she'll call the police. Be glad your husband is by you. And it's gracious of you to allow this psycho to be a part of your unborn child's life. When I have children, my mother in law will never ever see her grandchildren.

Taylor, Travel Agent of the Idealistic,
  Oh my goodness, what an awful story!  I would stay as clear as clear can be from that part of his family, full stop.  How dare she!  She has behaved absolutely disgustingly, and the baby comments must be the very final straw.  That is not the kind of comment that surely you should ever forget.  You need to protect  your child by keeping this nasty piece of work out of your life as much as possible.  Inform your husband that individually he can keep in as much contact with her as feasible, but from where you stand you do not feel it is in anyone's interest to retain any form of relationship with her.  And don't feel that you have to 'try to get along' for your husband's sake.  She is the one who has dug this hole for herself.  Drunk or not drunk, she had the choice and she chose to say those cruel, callous words to you.  Surely your husband would understand that after such statements you simply do not want to know her any more.  Sometimes it is hard to make a stance, but in your particular case make it clear to your husband and to her that your relationship with her has ceased....and stick to that.  Otherwise she will constantly be weaving her way into your life, causing friction and unpleasantness.  Close the doors to her as of now. Sorry, this is just advice, but I would just be so livid it would be untrue!  Remember that you have done nothing wrong, you have no reason to feel guilt.  At the end of the day there are just some bitter people out there, and you have come across one.  Good luck!!!!
Ari, Barbarian of the Financial Services department,
live your life the way you want to.ive had hell of a life for 10 years with my mother in law has bullied me since i was 16.she hates me,all ive ever done is love my husband,love the kids,work study and keep our home nice.please please take no notice of her,be happy with your husband and baby,i wish you all the best.after time has past you will get used to not hearing her or seeing her,maybe you will fell more happy then.kind reguards x
Charlie, Manager of Arts and Crafts,
You, IN NO WAY, are being a bitch. She went way too far when she said she hoped your died and called him the name she did! My opinion is this: you do not have to talk to her ever again. When it comes to someone, even family, saying those things about your kids, you have every right to be the lioness and say "I refuse to allow this person to hurt my child like that again, EVER!" It may upset your husband at first, but your child comes first. You can support him in his decision to be there for his mom, but you should not be expected to play those games and take that kind of abuse. And in no way is that a healthy situation for a child to be forced into. Your hubby will have to learn that his child HAS to come before anyone else, and think of what's best for the child. Would he really want his baby around someone who wished death upon it? His mother is not a martyr. And yes she is a bitch. Oh and you have taken the high road to do the apologizing and trying to keep the peace, screw her if she can't forgive. She doesn't deserve to be graced with your wonderful presence, my dear. Good luck!