life

Would you be here if you had one?

I'm so fucking frustrated at myself for being so fucking useless at life, for not fitting in, for not caring much for very many people, and being so fucking overly jealous and paranoid and boring and useless that I'll end up losing the one person I do love. I don't want to end up lonely, again, after another failed relationship because someone has gotten bored of me again, or because in my own insecurity and drunkenness go on to fuck things up all by myself. I can't stand most people, I want to change the world, or better still live in a world that doesn;t need changed. This place is a mess, everywhere I see hypocrisy, I see greedy morons with better lives than me (and billions more), I see corruption everywhere and I wish I had the intelligence and the dedication and the abilities to do something useful about it, or to just be able to ignore all that shit and just enjoy the good times I've got.   Every moment of freedom from work that I have I find ways to piss it up against a wall. Procrastinating, clicking on the same shitey websites that barely change throughout the day, not even that fucking interested in what I'm reading. I have no dedication. To anything, but I want so badly. I want to learn Japanese faster than at a snails pace, I want to play a musical instrument for more than 5 minutes before giving up, I want to do the thing that I am quite good at but lack the vital skills (out of sheer laziness). I know I am good at one thing but my laziness holds me down. But it is just so difficult to overcome. I feel tired all the time yet I only have a part-time job, I have no friends who live close by since I moved away from unni. Just my girlfriend, and she is great but I can feel it slipping away, her ambition and dislike of standing still can only take so much when there's me sitting there wasting away my days making no progress unlike everyone else seems to do. Poeple get 50 things done in a day when I am lucky to manage to do one, and feel accomplished when I do, so sit back for another 3 weeks. I just fucking hate how miserable, alone, clouded, guilty, talentless, freindless I feel. I want to change everything, just fuck off to another country that I appreciatemore than my own shitty one. Everyone is a fucking idiot and I know no matter where I go that will only change a little, there will be all the same frustrations, all the same pointlessness. That's it, it all just seems so pointless. I don't want to suck up to a bunch of people just to maintain a social circle, I don't like most people, they are mostly fucking self-obsessed cunts and they are always competing, everyone is competing, and I always feel vulnerable, weak, ugly, unfit, tired, lazier, than anyone else. I am starting to feel tense just leaving my door and venturing out there, feeling constantly judged even though there's many more people worse off than me, uglier, older, less well dressed and so on. I have no reason to feel so shit other than that seems to be the way I was made. I was always shy, always terrified to speak up, always lazy and found it difficult to concentrate on one task, or to be truly creative, yet I want to be creative, it frustrates me when I try. I jst want a change, I just want some happiness, some security, to do some things I enjoy every once in a while. To have sex with someone who loves me since I NEVER get sex these days, another nail in my relationship's coffin, I feel. It's not me, it's her, she doesn;t feel beautiiful, she doesn;t feel comfortable... well maybe that makes me feel like shit too, maybe that's me being incredibly selfish, maybe it's her, it's just another fucking thing I am not happy aboout, I am angry about it, I would do, and offer to do, anything for her, she usually reuses and never thinks of ofering herself so selflessly to me. Maybe I'm just a cunt or maybe that IS really shit for me, who knows. I just want a total change of life, of personality, to be someone who will acheive something with their ife, not rot away in unhapppiness, or worse, end it all the sooner as things become less and less meaningful and exciting to me in life as they feel they are getting now.   Rant over. Won't spell check, or grammar check, I know most of it won't make sense, I jump around the place, but fuck it, I just wanted to write my thoughts as they appeared, will make entertaining reading it back after I post it... 
posted to life by Andy, Alchemist of the Idealistic (23 comments)


Eileen, Ninja of the Unimaginable Terror,

get over it

Stevie, Crusader of the Idealistic,

Maybe evrything u have ever dreamed of is in you . within. . It sounds silly but really? If you already know that the world out there sucks and all people sometimes also suck. Why not to look inside to find happiness. Why not to give yourself a chance to recreate yourself. Everuthjg begins with you giving yourself a chance to make yourself , the one you want. Just like that. Change and write about the person that you would like to become and start asking yourself what do peopl do to become who they want and start now. Love Jamie

Blaine, Deviant of the Financial Services department,

Therapy is reccomended

Harper, Travel Agent of Darkness,

Hi, it is 5 yrs since you put this rant up, How you doing now did you change your life Is life better

Peyton, Breeder of Wild Parties,

you see yourself as miserable, talentless, friendless?you should see the other guy.

Adrian, Elementalist of the Unimaginable Terror,

You sound young. I'm old and I still feel the same way you do. people are fucked, the world is fucked, I wanna change it; and yet my sloth knows no bounds. Grrrr

Dana, Sheriff of the Forgotten Lands,

You'll always fail if you try to change the whole world. One person on their own can't make a difference to everything. But you can make a change to one person. Start there.

Aubrey, Chronographer of the craft table,

WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE NEVER HEARD SO MUCH DRIBBLE VET A GRIP SHAKE YOUR HEAD AND OH YEAH....BUY A FUCKING DUMMY

Josh, Shadow of the Wicked,

FUCK YOU. GET A GRIP INSIDE MAN

Josh, Shadow of the Wicked,

YER SUCK IT UP MAN!

Max, Barbarian of the Hungry,
Co-Codamol is a great pain reliever and in some instances a good anti-depressant....not that i would ever encourage drug use, but talk to a doctor and suggest.
Adrian, Peasant of the Homeless,

hey! you can write wel

Aubrey, Merchant of Good,

I know it's been a while since you posted this and so this comment is probably going to seem pretty random, but wow. It literally feels like you wrote down every single thing that's going on inside my head. I just hope things are better for you now.

Emma

Rebecca, Accountant of Light,

same, even down the the learning japanese part. your not alone! this has been pretty much my undertone for the last 4 years, i definitely need to make a change somehow. i think i just need someone to help me/kick me up the arse.

Aubrey, Architect of Evil,

You seem to express really good about what you feel, expressing feelings could be challenging and you do great! Placing that in the positive side and acknowledging your negative attitude, this is my suggestion: Letting you know that I feel like you at times, I think we are lacking two main things to overcome this feelings and start moving forward and grow up as individuals.

a) Spirituality b) Balls to do what you have to do in order to change things in your personal life.

Charlie, Elementalist of the Idealistic,
You remind me of myself in many ways. I'll quote this section below.  Everything above that comes down to you being lazy. You're lazy cause you don't give enough of a shit about anything to bother to do it. It's why I have a guitar I've played less than 30 min combined in 4 years and have had all the parts to build a sub for my car for the last 6 years and never bothered to do it. Yeah I want it, but don't really care enough to bother doing it. I have stuff to watercool my computer, fix various electronics...things I like. They just sit on shelves and collect dust while they lose value. I use my computer all day but I'm too lazy to do stuff to it lol. The solution to that is find something you care enough to do...and a job that you actually enjoy. At the very least then you'll be making some money so you can spoil yourself a little.  "Everyone is a fucking idiot and I know no matter where I go that will only change a little, there will be all the same frustrations, all the same pointlessness. That's it, it all just seems so pointless. I don't want to suck up to a bunch of people just to maintain a social circle, I don't like most people, they are mostly fucking self-obsessed cunts and they are always competing, everyone is competing, and I always feel vulnerable, weak, ugly, unfit, tired, lazier, than anyone else. I am starting to feel tense just leaving my door and venturing out there, feeling constantly judged even though there's many more people worse off than me, uglier, older, less well dressed and so on. I have no reason to feel so shit other than that seems to be the way I was made. I was always shy, always terrified to speak up, always lazy and found it difficult to concentrate on one task, or to be truly creative, yet I want to be creative, it frustrates me when I try."   And here's how I feel about the world. Most people are fucking stupid. Most people can't critically think even a little. People don't have the curiosity or the desire to learn anything. Food for example is something everyone has to partake in eating at least twice a day. Then why the fuck do most people eat horrendously? Not know what good food is? Think fast food is great and don't know what real meat and food actually tastes like? It's horrible and depressing. It's the one thing everyone does multiple times a day that you can truly improve(the other things are shit and sleep lol). I swear to fuck I have had better roast chicken and mashed potatoes than most people will ever have meals of their entire life...that I make myself for less than most fast food meals. I've eaten fast food exactly 4 times in the last 3 months and each time I feel like I'm eating tasteless crap that cost way too much. Food is just one minor thing. But most people don't study anything. Don't become an expert in anything. Don't ever truly enjoy or appreciate anything to the max. Listening to music on youtube, watching MTV on their horrible looking HDTVs, don't know how to google something, know more about sports than any field of science, don't understand basic concepts like helping people in your society is good for everyone in that society, deny that evolution could have possibly happened(if they can even tell you what evolution is lol).  We live in a society full of retards. The kicker is that the retards are too fucking stupid to care if they ever even realize that they know nothing. I like to say if everyone was a foodie and a metalhead the world would be a better place. So perhaps the solution is to move to a society where people give a fuck about living and give a fuck about real things aka not money, wealth, fame. I feel the same way about friends. I don't really want to keep up with most of them. They dissapoint me constantly.   But fuck, I don't know...life is fucking pointless. That's just how it is. You can choose to continue living with your pain or end it.
Ari, Funeral Director of the IT department,

I understand you completely! Feel the same way... I hope you feel much better than two years ago... Now I do the same - refreshing useless webpages and thinking about my miserable life... whatever, maybe at morning I would forget and everything will be fine.. but maybe and the most probably I would feel the same shit as now

Charlie, Elementalist of the Idealistic,
Meant to add to that above in reply to you being shy and too afraid to speak up.   Fuck everyone else. If you know you're right, speak your mind and act like you know you're right. Confidence and image matter when speaking to others. You don't have to believe it, but act confident and don't be afraid to disagree with everyone around you. You just force yourself to not be afraid and you learn how to continue to do it. 95% of people I meet on a day to day basis probably think I'm nuts. But I don't care because I live better than them, think better than them and know more than them.  Who the fuck are they to threaten me?
Charlie, Elementalist of the Idealistic,
Meant to add to that above in reply to you being shy and too afraid to speak up.   Fuck everyone else. If you know you're right, speak your mind and act like you know you're right. Confidence and image matter when speaking to others. You don't have to believe it, but act confident and don't be afraid to disagree with everyone around you. You just force yourself to not be afraid and you learn how to continue to do it. 95% of people I meet on a day to day basis probably think I'm nuts. But I don't care because I live better than them, think better than them and know more than them.  Who the fuck are they to threaten me?
Taylor, Assassin of Musclebeasts,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLKiMbC6s2k Come on man, we can do this. I am in the same position, and the only thing that will get us out of this rut, is getting out of this rut. Let us be pro-active. You are obviously articulate and have a structured mind
Andy, Hero of the Forgotten Lands,
It it good to get things off your chest, but as I was reading this I thought mayb if you want to go away somewhere different how about you volunteer to go work in a third world country help the less fortunate that should help u appreciate what you have. When u see people worse off than you it makes you feel better and helping people makes you feel good too. Just a suggestion.
Adrian, CEO of Musclebeasts,

Like I always knew!!

"WHy not help out in the third world. Their pathetic situation will make you feel better"

How selfish, immoral and pathetic of you. We don't want you strutting your whitey-ass crap here. In fact, if you care to read History, you will realize what you now call the 'third world' was once upon a time the RICHEST kingdoms in the world.. until your greedy fucking forefather stepped foot on our soil, murdered our men, raped our women and looted our wealth.

So you cunt-face, my message to you would be to crawl back into your mother's womb and die there and be less of a burden on gthe planet.

Help the third world, my ass!