I think about suicide a lot. I'm not at the point where I want to try it again, but I feel like I keep relapsing. I'm good for a few days, then stress takes over and pushes me to start thinking about how pointless everything is. I get scared of getting old. I get scared of feeling sick. I get scared of staying at my shitty, dead end job. I get scared thinking about leaving the shitty stability it gives me. I get scared because I spend all my days at work working to earn money and at night I stay home and work to try to get a foothold to do something I actually want to do. I'm burning the candle at both ends. I'm tired. I'm afraid I'm wasting my life. Everyone around me has so much more life experience and while getting drunk and having one night stands doesn't interest me, I want to make that connection.
Sometimes I feel like I have it with this friend of mine but it feels so inconsistent. Like he's constantly drifting me in and out of the friendzone. I don't know if it's because he knows. Maybe he likes having me like him unconditionally. But I can't tell what he's really thinking and I'm too scared he'll reject me again. I don't know if I should just cut and go though, because what if he does and I hurt him?
It's all a big jumbled up mess. I can't get my head to calm down. I can't relax. I can't stop pushing myself to work hard and make my dreams come true, but then why can't push myself enough to find a way out? When will I finally get my chance?
I don't know.