Would you be here if you had one?

Life can be so complicated sometimes. And so unfair. And so hard. I don’t get it. Why do some people get everything they want so easily and then the ones that fight for what they want never get that far because they keep getting tore down by their peers. I fight and fight and yet still get broken up and torn apart. My son is my world. He keeps me together, he’s my anchor. I can be having the worst day and one look from him or smile or laugh and it’s all forgotten for a while. It’s amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. His dad was the best man in my life when we were together. Protective, caring, and just all together a man. Something I never had before. He opened my eyes that there actually is good people in the world. He was one of them. But then I got torn apart by other people and we broke up because of it. He was heart broken, I was heart broken but we dealt with it in different ways. I realized I wanted him back soon after he left but had to fix my life before he came back into it. I didn’t want the same ending we had earlier. But by the time I had accomplished all that and finally got to a good place, he was gone. Come to find out the one who tore me apart and broke me down is the one who now holds his heart. Shitty right? And she wouldn’t stop, just kept attacking me for no reason till it got me to my lowest low. Telling me to imagine my son in a casket, that’s low and probably the worst thing you can do to a mom. And I think of it everyday. And then an email showing me that the father of my son, the man I thought was my best friend and true soulmate, lied to me....that was the last straw. Deleted my email account and just shut everyone out that had anything to do with her. I want no part of it. But the thing is she’s his lover, which means she will meet my son someday soon and I don’t know how to handle it. I think about it everyday all day and don’t sleep. I know it’s going to happen and I have to accept it but it’s the hardest thing for me right now. And I know he feels bad that he loves someone who hurt me but here’s the thing, she didn’t hurt him. So he has no reason to not love her, there should be no guilt. She just hurt the mother of his son who to him is just that, his sons mom. And I understand that. I just need more time to accept her touching and being near my son because he’s all I have. I have no best friend and no one to spend time with, it’s just him. And I’d die if she took him away or hurt him in anyway. But who knows maybe she’ll change and be a great step mom.....I just can’t forgive her. Maybe time will help with that I don’t know. Makes me sad because she made me have hate towards the father of my son, made me feel disgusted and upset with him and I never thought I’d feel that towards him, ever. He was the one guy who could open me like a book and keep me talking. And the one guy who would tell me the truth no matter how hard he knew it would be. But he’s no longer that man, he’s no longer the man that I once had. He’s now a new man with new interests and different outlooks. Which everyone changes so it’s fine, I guess I just haven’t gotten to that stage yet. And I kind of hope I never do because once I put myself back together I think I’m a pretty amazing person. I have had 4 dates in the past few months and gotten overly excited for each one and dressed up all nice just to find out it was set up by someone who just doesn’t like me. They wanted one thing and that wasn’t me. It sucks, kills your self esteem but hey pain makes you stronger right? I will be fucking invincible after all this shit then haha. I’m watching my son sleep in my arms right now and it’s just melting my heart and making me realize what my purpose is here. It’s just going to suck so bad missing Holidays with this boy. But I guess that’s part of co parenting. Have to make the most of it I guess. He will forever be my world and I will protect him with my life no matter what. And I will be there for him 24/7 that’s for sure. He will always be my baby, my smalls, my anchor, my world. And his father will be a part of my life for many years and I just hope that together they move away from this town. I feel bad and that I’m being selfish but I don’t want her that close to me, makes me uncomfortable. Guess all I can do now is hope that they do that sometime soon and go off on their own. Never hurt to have hope right? Never thought I’d want him far away from me but now it’s all I hope for. Crazy how the world can change so quickly. I’m ready to rebuild and I know the only person I have behind me helping is my son, and that’s all I need. Thank you Smalls for being you and the best son a mom could ask for.

posted to life by Frankie, Fashionista of the craft table (2 comments)

Addison, Necromancer of the Forgotten Lands,

“Those I have harmed were all either weaklings either mentally or physically. Those who were strong in either mind or body I first lied to and led into a trap where they were either asleep or drunk or helpless in some way. I always had all the best of it.”

Frankie, Fashionista of the craft table,

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