life

Would you be here if you had one?

I'm not going to, but as I look at this small hand sized piece of steel and polymer, the overwhelming feeling to place a small casing, with some smokeless powder, and a copper 115 grain piece of metal, to then pull back the slide and hear the metal click into place and turn it on myself and end it is way too real. The drone of everyday life, and the overwhelming feeling of loneliness is oppressive. I know I won't kill myself today, I know that for a fact because I can still keep in mind all of the people who love me who I would be leaving behind. I couldn't do that to them. I can bare it at least for the dark moments those thoughts enter my mind for the time being. However I am afraid that one day, I won't be able to hold back the darkness that somehow lives in my mind. I have a fantastic life and people I love and a job that I enjoy and a comfortable place to live and everything I could possibly want. For whatever reason that I can't explain there is this dark, angry, sad, lonely, scared piece of me in the back of my mind that is so afraid of life, and getting hurt that it seems to think that blowing a 9mm hole in my head is a better option than trying to live. Every time I am able to talk him down, but like I said I am afraid that one day I won't be able to. I know this piece of me is trying to protect me, but I want to be able to live my life, and that just comes with ups and downs, and getting hurt, and feeling sad, and being heartbroken from time to time, I know this, the stronger part of me knows this, but that smaller part won't go away. Ive tried counseling, I have done it for more than 10 years, I've talked about this part of me to my parents and they have been understanding and supportive, and I take care of myself, I get enough sleep, and I eat regularly and do everything I can to take care of myself. I cannot seem to make this part of me leave me alone. I want it to. I need it to. I cannot keep this part of me. It's keeping me from healthy relationships.

posted to life by Harper, Ranger of the Idealistic (2 comments)


Nadine, Servant of Wild Parties,

You aren't the only one who feels this way. Keep pressing on.

Frank, Apprentice of Good,

Maybe you need a new challenge. Seems we're designed to struggle at least some to survive. If you've reached several goals - might be time for a new one.