life

Would you be here if you had one?

Sometimes I wish I could stop existing, not die though. I'm not suicidal, and I would never want to hurt the people in my life, and especially my pets. My life isn't bad either, I didn't have trauma or issues that would have dramatically impacted my views on life. But sometimes, when I'm alone with my thoughts, I think of what it would be like if I just never existed, and how the world would still go on, and the people around me would love other people and do different things. And I also get feelings of guilt? When I think about how lucky I am to be living a safe and healthy life, while others have so little, and so many people care for me even if they don't always show it... and I feel guilt over wanting to disappear and leave this life. When I'm alone, and I start to submerge myself into these scary thoughts, I think of messaging close friends. When I start to text them, it suddenly feels like they wouldn't be able to understand my thoughts, and that if I really exposed my mindset to them, they would just tell me to see a therapist or feel guilty for not being there enough to make me happy all the time. And it's not anyone's job to make sure I feel loved every single second of the day anyways. I don't really want to make a big deal over my thoughts, and I don't want to bring people down by unloading all my problems onto them. So I usually keep them to myself, and it's hard. As much as I want to let it all out and just have someone understand, I wouldn't want them to feel down because of it. I guess that's why I'm here unloading it to the internet to ease my mind. Sometimes I feel this way for just 10 minutes, and it passes quickly and I feel great afterwards, but other times it can last weeks, and I just don't feel like going out or socializing. When people try to reach out, I tell them I'm just tired or lazy and that it's nothing to worry about. It probably makes people mad at times because I seem flaky and lazy, and that if I went out I'd probably shake off my thoughts and feel great again. But I know that once I went home my thoughts would all come rushing back, even worse than before. Nothing makes me feel more alone than going home to an empty room after being surrounded by so many friends.

posted to life by Jerry, Consultant of the Unimaginable Terror (2 comments)


Aubrey, Cleric of the Wicked,

You really SHOULD see a therapist.

Addison, Maiden of the Forgotten Lands,

It is good for you to confide in God, because He is the only one that can really help in all situations. Deuteronomy 13.4: 'Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.' This world is not perfect due to sin, Christ will return in glory with all the holy angels (Matthew 25.31) to restore all things. Pray thanksgiving to God for His blessings.