life

Would you be here if you had one?

So I’m confused & lost. I feel like my past is replaying itself in my head. My mind is so powerful I wish I could shut it off. I want to be happy and complete without having doubt, worry and regret. I’ve never had regret for anything in my life until I had my daughter..I regret my past. I’ve been with the same man since I was 15. How does he have a 9 year old and a 6 year old if I’m 25 as of right now. Why would I allow myself to get betrayed like that? Why would I put up with cheating and lies? I know I’m worth more, but I fell in love with the wrong person at the wrong time. He ruined me inside, but I still smile and continue to be strong on the outside. I’ve always been strong, but he was my weakness. My first love that destroyed my entire life. That made me live every day with a bunch of regret in my head and disappointment! I looked so stupid begging him before, waiting for him, calling him and wanting him. After the 3rd abortion I should have known I was going to be fucked in the head for life. I’m scarred forever and no one can ever take that away from me. I want answers! Why did you cheat on me with multiple women? Why didn’t you ever let me keep my babies? Why did you make me look so stupid in front of family/friends? Why did you let everyone disrespect me? Why did you look for me, when I was done with you? Why didn’t you let me be happy with someone else? Why now and not then? I’m damaged! I hate you! I hate your kids, but I don’t show it at all..because it’s not their fault. I hate your family for always bashing me! I hate your baby mama that used me like you use me. I hate what you made me go through. I hate that I stood. I hate that I LOVED you so much I was by your side through you traveling, jail time and no having a job. I should have let you failed. Was I the side girl the entire time since you were getting someone else pregnant since I was young? You ruined my 18th birthday by your babymama calling me to tell me she is pregnant too, but I wasn’t going to raise my kid knowing their sibling was months apart. You asked for a favor..if I could be the one to get an abortion and I did. Then we got in a very big physical/emotional for my 21st. Why do you continue to do this on my important days of my life that I won’t forget. You’ve called me every name in the book, when I haven’t been 1 to you. You have never seen me angry..and you continue to say I have a bad attitude. Ask my ex how mad I can get and how much patience I don’t have. But with you Ohh man do I have patience and don’t show no emotion and it pisses you off that I shut down. But you made me this way..I shut down completely and think, think, think and think. I grow to hate you even more! Now we have a baby of our own. The biggest mistake I made in my life. Now you threaten to take me to court to get 50/50 if I leave knowing that I’m obsessed with my baby cuz that’s all I ever wanted and I got to plan her and keep her. You say you’ll make my life miserable and if I cheat on you that you would kill me. I didn’t kill you, and you can’t kill me cuz you killed my heart multiple times that it wouldn’t hurt. It would hurt you! I wish I could do everything you did to me to see who is standing strong in the end because your WEAK! You told me if I had someone else’s kid you wouldn’t be with me, but I’m with you. I wish I had a game plan where you couldn’t take me to court, where we don’t have to split all of our materialistic things we built together. I wish you would let me walk away free with my baby and you would never look for me or her again..if that was possible I would love that. I think if it was just us 3 I wouldn’t hold so much hate for you, but that will never happen you cheated and they are walking. I live in the past because your kids are breathing, your baby mama is calling and your family reminds me every chance they get. Just let me walk away, let me live in peace and happiness. Don’t look for me. Don’t you think I deserve that and you owe me that?

posted to life by Peyton, Historian of the Lonely (1 comment)


Allison, Monk of Light,

<3 be brave