Would you be here if you had one?

My biracial 30 year old son married a 34 year old Italian-American woman two years ago. My son was always a fun, kind, and loving guy until he married her. Everyone has noticed the change and we are surprised he married someone like her. Anyway I went along with their marriage even though I thought she was controlling, passive-aggressive and narcissistic. They married and two years later they had a baby girl, my 1st grandchild. My Irish- American husband & I are divorced after married for 25 years. We are friends and we're exited to become grandparents. Unfortunately my D-I-L ruined our excitement because she is so controlling. My son says nothing but blames me for his wife's rudeness. A t the wedding his wife did not speak or thank any of my family & friends that are Black. Her family lacks proper etiquette around certain things. The baby is one and my mother has not met her great grandchild yet or spoken to my son's wife. She is not shy but she isn't interested in including my family, the Black people in their lives. I am the only one that lives a drive able distance from them so I would visit every other month. It was strained because she would make excuses for me not to hold the baby. She did this for my ex too. All their vacations are with her family. All holidays are with her family. I have pleaded with them to travel and see other family members but they make up an excuse. My son seems to be a robot and does everything even though they both work full time. He cooks, walks the dog, shops, deals with the baby and is a personal trainer & coach after his 9-5 job. I am afraid he is under so much stress because all she does is bark orders! On the baby's 1st birthday party, we were 90 minutes late due to snow showers & traffid. We apologized but we still got coldNess from my D-I-L and every time we picked up the baby, she took her with lies of changing her diaper or feeding her. It was hurtful to be treated so meanly even when I apologized again. After the party we all went back to their house and we were giving the baby a bath without the wife's interference. When my 26 year old daughter took baby to changing table to lotion her & dress her, my D-I-L came in and wanted to take over. How shameful when my daughter had to fly there and was leaving the next day. How shameful that she could spent some time with her niece. My daughter pleaded and was told No. I asked nicely for my daughter and my D-I-L called me a fucking bitch! Out of nowhere. We were shocked but I was angry! I am a 64 year old Black woman and I have never encountered such rudeness! I asked her WTF are you talking to? She lied and said I was fucking crazy! My son runs upstairs and tells me to get my fucking shit and get the fuck out of his house! My daughter & I are shocked and thinking my son was drugged since he never spoke like this. We told him what his wife said and that she stated it. He didn't care. He tried to push & pull me down the stairs. It was a crazy situation that I have never been in. Eventually my son called the cops and we were forced to go to a hotel at 10 pm that night. On the way out he yelled that I would never see my granddaughter again! They blocked me on facebook. They won't take my calls or text messages or e-mails. He did respond to the first few messages and they were full ed with hate. My family is shocked since I was a good Mom .This whole incident sent me to intensive outpatient therapy for 3 months They did not call on my birthday or Mother's Day. It is so hurtful especially because his wife was rude and I am punished. Why? I don't know. My family feels they want nothing to do with the Black folks but they also are rude to my ex husband who is White. Now after so much therapy I am not crying but I want an apology from both of them. I don't want anything to do with them my son seems to have lost his mind. He is a football coach and I plan to go to a couple of his games. He told me he would walk away from me but I just want to watch the game. I will not speak to his wife ever again. What loving wife would stand by or encourage her husband to treat his mother so harshly? Any advice would be helpful.

posted to life by Taylor, Maiden of Musclebeasts (6 comments)

Bobbie, Assassin of Space,

You shouldn't have mentioned you were black. The comments would've panned out differently

Dakota, Summoner of Justice,

not the OP but curious - how would the comments be different?

Bobbie, Warlord of the Lonely,

UHM it's their child. She doesn't have to let your daughter do anything. She was in town from a distance? SO? It's her baby.

Andy, Ship Master of Imagination,

It may be very hard to do - but you might just have to be that relative that these people rarely see.

It's like any other kind of relationship. When people prove they don't want you - let them go.

It's hard to not see your own grandkids but one day they will be of age and maybe they will seek you out.

Praying for you all - this does not sound easy - and it doesn't sound like there's an easy solution.

Dana, Monk of Time,

it honestly sounds like you are the one that is not being understanding in the situation. Your son loves this woman it is not your place to judge that or try to figure out why, maybe he is PROUD of the changes he has made that you think are negative. Some people don't want hands on help or advice with rearing their child especially their first child or if they didn't come from a family that was normally that way. it is easy to think that everything is about race given the society we live in, but that isn't always the case. When you enter her home, and his home you are a guest you are expected to act and behave in a way that fits the environment that they have created, in your house you are queen, in her house it is she. as far as making reasons not to travel, they might have other family plans and goals that they are looking forward too and working towards or maybe your son has confided in his bride about deeper feelings toward his family that he didn't feel able to address before. It was wrong and disrespectful of her to call you names and I am sure it was very hurtful to not have your son's support in the situation but try having a more open minded interaction with your son consider more than just what you are use to or what you expect or what you think is best for the baby. It doesnt sound like you have been very welcoming or supportive either and that is probably why she prefers to be with her family for family events, they feel safer and more familiar and likely treat your son with the respect you are not giving his wife.

Why would you force yourself into his life while saying things like that you will never talk to her again? SHE is part of HIM the more you reject her the more he will reject you. If I were you I would ask approach them both either in person or in a letter and say that YOU are sorry for coming across as overbearing and pushy and that you realize that having them ALL in your life is what is important to you, and that you think it would be good if you all talked about boundaries and expectations, then separately talk to your son IN ERNEST about what HE wants and why he has been feeling resentful .. but you need to dial back on the entitlement and instant assumption that its race related.

I am also a mother of mixed children, and consequently a DIL and in the not to far future I will be a MIL as well. Culture, family lifestyles and even religion have been BIG tension areas over the years but think about what is most important, having a relationship with your son and grandchild OR holding onto stubborn pride

Andy, Ship Master of Imagination,

Family counseling might be a good idea. If all 3 of you can't go - maybe you and your son.