life

Would you be here if you had one?

I recently found out I am 6 weeks pregnant. My fiance and both of our families are extremely excited. I, however, am not. I hate the fact that I'm pregnant and constantly wish for a miscarriage or fantasize about how I could get an abortion with no one ever finding out. I'm already getting gifts and my MIL squeals with excitement, but all of these things just annoy me. On top of that, my body is going through the cliche pregnant lady changes and I have morning sickness (which I don't understand why they call it morning sickness because I'm sick the entire day). I am depressed, miserable, and not looking forward to my breasts leaking milk for the next year. I don't want the full time responsibility of raising a child either. When I walk through the baby section in a store, I don't become elated with joy at seeing the tiny outfits. I prefer not to hold people's babies and frankly it's rare I find one cute. They annoy me with their crying in restaurants and when someone brings one into a movie theater, I feel a strong need to ask the mother what the fuck was she thinking. I feel like my life is now over--all of these little fantasies I had about going back for a Masters or JD will now be put to bed, living in Barcelona will never happen. And on top of that, I can't go on my fucking ski vacation! I want to run away, live by myself, and never see any of you people ever again.
posted to life by Harper, Gunner of Generosity (167 comments)


Stevie, Archaeologist of Justice,

I honestly feel the same exact way. I already have a baby and i couldnt imagin taking all the attention off of her and it kills me everyday. I just want too feel happy and excited but all i do is cry and im depressed.i dont mean to sound heartless I cant have another baby. I dont understand why some women are blessed with babies that they dont want. I need some advice will these feelimgs change when the baby is here ? Will it all just go away...

Harper, Historian of the IT department,

I know this topic is old but I am so glad I found this because I am pregnant and miserable. This is my 1st. I am almost 7 weeks. Nobody told me I would be nauseous 24/7. I struggle to keep food down. I have no energy. I can't sleep because of the nausea. I just lie on the couch and try not to puke all day. It's hard to feel good about being pregnant when I am sick and exhausted all day. I tried crackers, ginger and everything else but nothing seems to work. I am starting to feel like I don't matter anymore. The only thing that matters is this fetus. I exist to feed it. Nobody cares about me anymore, just the fetus. Nobody cares about how I suffer with all day sickness, they just tell me that it's the sign of a good pregnancy. The baby is the size of a lentil, it doesn't feel misery but I do. Don't tell me it's all worth it because that is what everybody says and I am tired of it. I feel hopeless and alone. My husband is thrilled and talking about it's future and how wonderful everything will be. I am so tired. I just want decent sleep and no sickness. Is life supposed to be this miserable? I will have this baby so don't get in my face pro-life people, but after I do, I am ending my life. So the baby will be fine and I will be gone because that is what everybody cares about, the baby and not me.

Frankie, Warrior of the Forgotten Lands,

Cry me a fucking river!! From someone who has had 8 miscarriages and actually wants children it dismays me to know there are people out there like you, no one actively wishes to have a miscarriage, is can & is extremely painful, quite often requires surgery if it's a missed miscarriage or incomplete. In this day and age, pregnancy is a choice, not an accident. Use contraception(or abstain- you don't sound emotionally mature enough to think about a sexual relationship) if you don't want to be pregnant, problem solved! And Your poor fiancé... I probably would have discussed my disdain for pregnancy and all things baby before I agreed to be pregnant. Sorry but I have no sympathy. Ps. How old are you? You sound like a whiney little child- I can't go on my ski vacation!!

Richard, Bard of the Poor,

I had a miscarriage happy. It was painful but didn't care, it wasn't as painful as pregnacy. You don't speak for everyone. I could say the same to you. " I can't believe there are people like you who actively wish for a pregnancies. They are painful and often require surgery if the cervix doesn't dilate."

Rook, Superintendent of the Homeless,

Use contraception, problem solved? Now who sounds like a child who's not ready??

Richard, Travel Agent of the IT department,

First, if you read through the thread you will see she had the child and is very happy but doesn't regret her original post at all. Second, every person and situation is different and it is unfair of you to come here and judge people because you are upset about your situation. Which is really the reason you posted such a nasty response. I get that you are angry and that you can't imagine how someone wouldn't want what you want so badly. You want to take that pain out on others but here's the thing, it isn't going to help your situation. I'm 36 and never thought I'd be looking for a forum like this, but here I am. When I was younger, I might have posted something bitchy like you did. However, I've learned through my life experience and work that everyone is different and that life does not go the way society tells you it should or how you thought it would. You make your plans and think I'm going to go to school, get a job, get married, and have kids, but then discover that you got dealt a shitty card and can't have kids. Or you might do all of those things I said before and think hey maybe I want kids, but then get pregnant and think this is not what I want at all! These are both awful situations but you just can't understand the other situation because you are upset and unable to empathize right now at all. I'm a big believer in walking in others shoes, as I have felt it has made me a much more understanding and less judgemental person. We don't all just fit into the same box and if you go around thinking that we should, you are going to be disappointed...and angry and make judgemental posts that make it hard for people to empathize with you. I would suggest you not seek out forums with this topic and instead find ones where others in similar situations can sympathize with you. Then maybe when the time is right, come back and read through EVERY post and try to understand these woman and where they are coming from because although their pain is being generated from a different place than yours, it is still pain and it deserves empathy.

Bishop, Writer of the Satisfied,

Totally agree.

Brett, Fashion Model of the Rich,

It's not always a choice. My fiance and I used protection and the day the condom slipped I took the morning after pill just to be safe and now I'm 5 weeks pregnant, my fiance and his family are over the moon and I just want to lock myself up in a room and cry. I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to feel excited but instead I feel devistated. When I hear congratulations it makes my stomach turn and with no option. Of abortion or adoption I feel trapped.

Ash, Priest of Imagination,

Wow I feel the same way!! Trapped, I'm praying I feel better but I'm not happy!!

Harper, Trollop of the Wildlands,

I feel the very same. I was even maybe planning it. For a very short while.... and now that it is here...i cant stop crying. And to be honest i dont even understand why... my bf is over the moon which makes me even more sad.

Harper, Venture Capitalist of the Forgotten Lands,

Look up Safe Haven Laws in your state. It's a safe alternative to abortion.

Charlie, Knight of Light,

I made a mistake. I decided to have a baby with a guy that I was engaged to. But when I got pregnant he started to talk to other girls. He was trying to pick up one of our roommates and he was ocasionally writing to a girl that he previousilly slept with. It was too late for me to change my mind. I just went with but I was very unhappy about the pregnancy. I feel like having a baby with someone like this ruined my plans for the future. In the future I wanted to be married and have 4 children in a happy marrage. I feel like now I am stuck in this relationship even though he changed for now. I still have problems with trust in my current relationship. I feel stuck and alone. I feel like my hopes and dreams are just waiting away. This relationship and the baby with him is holding me back. I love my baby but I wish that I was in a more sincere relationship. Not a crappyear one

Ari, Embalmer of the Hungry,

I'm really glad to see that there is someone else out there who feels the same as I do. I'm 24, my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. I guessed around a few weeks ago while on vacation that I could be pregnant because my period was late (it's usually regular and in time) and I noticed all these changes in my body. I immediately felt sick with worry and couldn't eat or sleep the entire trip. It wasn't until I came back home and my boyfriend bought me some pregnancy tests which were all positive. I can tell you now, I've been crying every single day and feeling more depressed than I ever have in my life. Me and my boyfriend have discussed many times that I didn't want kids until I was much older or maybe just not ever have kids at all. I've always been the kind to never really like kids and never pictured myself with one. I am 7 weeks pregnant, and for the past couple of weeks I've been having hypermesis gravidarum which is a severe form of morning sickness, I throw up all day everyday, I always feel sick, I can't eat, I can barely drink anything, I always feel exhausted, I can't be around food or even smell food and being this sick has caused me to be even more depressed that I have ever been. My boyfriend and I have discussed my options for the pregnancy and I don't think I'm going to go through with it. I'm not ready financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I'm not even done with school yet, I've been battling anxiety and depression for some time now and having a kid would just make everything worse for me. I feel really bad for thinking this way because my boyfriend is excited but supports me no matter what. I haven't told my family and I don't plan on it. I never in my life thought I'd be in this situation. But I really just can't see myself having a child right now. Maybe not until the future (that is if this hypermesis doesn't scar me for life) until I am ready to have kids.

Allison, Fashion Model of the Lonely,

Hi! I keep reading all these posts, and i am so happy i am not the only one in this situation. Me and my boyfriend have a "fairytale story". We met 9 months ago, in a summer holiday in France, while he was newly married, and i was in a committed 2y relationship. It was instant love. Just like the movies, we knew we were meant for each other.

He got divorced without hesitation, and i broke up without hesitation. Needless to say, we are perfect together, constantly at sync without saying one word. The most interesting part is, he is Danish, and I am Spanish, so we've been commuting, or meeting in the middle of Europe for the past months, until we each got settled with the separations, houses and co. The plan was always to move to Spain for 2 years, and then to Denmark for good, where we can start and family together, babies and everything.

On his last visit to Spain, being a bit tipsy, we said: "Hey....what if we try? I'm old (29), you're old (31), you're ovulating in 3 days, it can't possibly happen to us on the first try....and if it does happen, we will be more than happy". So, the deed was done. Careless sex has been made.

I also think i forgot to mention that we will be living in a studio (31 m2), because when we decided to live together in Spain, we considered that a studio is more than enough for us two... The two of us, sleeping on a mattress, drinking beer and watching Friends... Living the dream.

The 2 weeks of waiting were a bit nervous. I really wanted to happen, mostly because i dislike my job, but i have a great paycheck, and this way, being pregnant, i could finally be free for a year or so. Before taking the test, i kept thinking “i would be really disappointed if it only appeared 1 line..”. But, shockingly, i’m fertile af. Pregnant on the first try. He is thrilled, and i am....miserable. What the hell were we thinking? I keep having the same freedom fears. We had plans to travel the world, backpack, get a minivan and visit Iceland, see the fjords and Aurora Borealis. To be fair, a lot of our dream were with babies included, but now....i don’t want that anymore. I’m not ready to have a baby, i’m not ready to be a mother, i also do think a lot about having a miscarriage, ways to induce that, or having an abortion without telling him. I’m 1.55m, i don’t look like a mother, i don’t even act like a grownup, i’m a man-child myself... I like beer, and mystery games, and having my “me time” with movies, and just spending time alone in the house...

I just want to open my eyes, and find out this was just a dream....

Brett, Butcher of the Unimaginable Terror,

I am so relieved that I am not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. I just found out I am pg with my third child and am devastated. All I can do is cry and it's killing my husband and my kids (7 & 4) don't understand why I am so upset. They are thrilled and I love that they are so happy but I just can't be.I'm not saying that I wouldn't want another kid maybe in a year or so but there is so much going on already I just can't take anymore stress!!! On top of it I am overweight and just got prescribed adipex-p and now I can't take it. I had lost quite a bit last year but ended up gaining much of it back after my car broke down and couldn't make it to the gym during the winter. On top of everything we are losing our house, moving, my husband has been laid off for 6 mos and should be going back in the next month or so, got rid of all of our baby stuff, homeschooling our kids and I am just freaking out terribly. I feel like a monster BC I can't get excited about this new baby. I really resent it. On the plus side I haven't had any pg symptoms, have yet to miss my period, and it was just a feeling that we had that I should get tested. Sure enough after about 4 tests all positive. I want to be happy but more than anything I just keep thinking how this will effect us all in every way. I don't want to gain anymore weight,go though all the complications of pg, labor,and breastfeeding. Having to potty train and everything else!!damn it I just want to be selfish and be done at least for a while. I finally was able to do things so having a baby or toddler hanging on me a d I just want freedom! I hate that I hope for a miscarriage BC I know I would miss this kid growing in me but on the other hand be relieved. Ugh, so frustrated!!

Harper, Venture Capitalist of the Forgotten Lands,

Have you looked up Safe Haven laws in your state? It's another option.

Reggie, Guardian of the Satisfied,

Just found out I was 5 weeks this Wednesday. I'm 42 never had children. My bf and I stupidly(I own up to it) thought he was sterile from him standing in front of ex Ray machines for horses all the time. I never thought my reaction would be this way, or I would have taken precaution . Misery. I feel like my life and bod have been hijacked. I am still fighting depression from losing my business of over 20 years 2 years ago. What I wasn't prepared for was nothing has brought me closer to slipping back in to my old Eating Disorder ways as this. I've hardly eaten much this week and when I do, I want to throw it up. I haven't really rold my bf how I feel..we were both sick with a flu when we found out, so neither of us would have done cartwheels. I know he knows my sleeping in guest room most of the day and going back in not long after he gets home. I can NOT stop being ..angry? I guess that's the word I'm coming up with, at him taking testosterone supplements for the gym and not telling me. Right now, I just want to disappear. And that is how I nearly killed myself with a massive struggle with anorexia and bulimia when I was younger. I feel like a failure as a woman to not want this baby. I feel like a selfish jackass to blame the baby for things I can't do or have. Things I will miss out on. I've prayed, I've cried, I've yelled...but I can't get out of this black box of hopelessness, failure and worthlessness.

Nikki, Dark Queen of the craft table,

I am in a similar situation. Losing my veterinary practice and now 4 months pregnant. I am angry, resentful and all I can see is how my life is about to change for the worse. So do not beat yourself up. Many. many women feel this. We are the ones who have to carry these kids, who become the main caretaker and no matter what, the men will never be 50-50. It just won't happen. I see myself stuck to this baby, no longer having my career, no longer taking off and hiking alone and riding my dirtbike. Now I have to consider someone else, and honestly, I don't want to.

Andy, Guardian of Justice,

I feel the exact same way! My sister just had a son last December and ive held him twice for like 5 seconds because she forced him in my arms and said, "your gonna hold your nephew". I have an 8 year old whom i love and treat great like any parent should but now im pregnant and i really dont want to be. My boyfriend is happy who btw is not my daughters dad but im freaking out wondering if i should go get an abortion and say i miscarried. As much as i dont want to be pregnant is the same as a women who cant get preggo and wants it so bad

Kadnyce, Manager of Musclebeasts,

I've heard those feelings can change once the baby is born. Some women continue to feel as you do until the baby is a year old even.

Hope it all works out.

Stevie, Sniper of the Rich,

I just turned 37 years old yesterday. I found out I’m pregnant 10 days prior. I am in my seventh week of pregnancy. I have been with my husband for four years. We got pregnant in the beginning of our relationship and I had an abortion as I knew at that time we were not ready to have a baby. Fast forward four years later, we are married and in our late 30s. After we got married a couple years ago, we started trying to conceive for about four months. We didn’t really put in that much effort and stopped trying. I have from day one told my husband that I don’t want children. I didn’t know for sure, as I love kids, but I was not sure about having them myself. He always told me that he would love to have children with me. He has a 10 year daughter with an ex girlfriend and does not see her often. When I first found out about the pregnancy, I was completely shocked and shared the news with my sister. She has two wonderful kids. I told her that I feel unsure about being a mother and she told me to write down a pro/con list. I did and the con list was slightly more. I went to see my doctor and filled out all the paper work and have my first prenatal appointment tomorrow. I still feel very unsure. I know that if I terminate this pregnancy, I will not have kids in my future. I have had a few discussions with my husband and he tells me it’s my body and it’s ultimately my decision. If it is completely up to him, we would keep the baby. I have shared the news with other family members and close friends as I thought sharing the news will make me feel less unsure, unfortunately it has not. I have been searching the internet desperately for one logical reason to have children – I feel when I find that one logical reason – I will be happy with this pregnancy. I have yet to find what I’m seeking. Termination is an option for me, but I don’t want to disappoint people around me and most of all I don’t want to regret it ten years later.

Bowie, Supervisor of the Poor,

I'm 28 years old and I am about 6-7 weeks pregnant. I had an abortion about 8 months ago and I regretted it. I would cry and cry about what I had done, and told myself that I'd probably never have the opportunity to be pregnant again. Well, the opportunity is here again in less than one year and all I can say is how unhappy I am about it. I feel awful for saying this but I hate being pregnant. I hate all the symptoms that come with it, the sore boobs, the sensitive nipples, the gas, the bloating, the constipation, the nausea, the mood swings that make me feel like I'm going crazy, and lastly I hate how fast I'm gaining weight. I try to be positive at times and tell myself that this is a blessing that I can do this, but then I look at my surroundings and I fall right back down. Before this pregnancy I was with an amazing guy who loved me to death but then I decided to get back with my ex like the retard that I am and I ended up pregnant. Now that my ex knows he wants nothing to do with me and made it clear that he's moving on and very much in love with some women he just met who happens to be 11 years older than him. It breaks my heart how stupid I was for not paying attention to him when I had the chance, because now I'm pregnant from a guy who I don't feel a connection with. We're constantly arguing and we never agree on anything. He doesn't work, and I have a crappy job, and will probably never get to start my nursing career because I'm pregnant. I cry mostly every single day, and I hate myself for being such a stupid girl. Im miserable with my boyfriend now, i can't stand the things that he does. Like play his stupid video games all day and watch sports, if I try to do things with him like go hiking or walking somewhere he makes up excuses. I sometimes wish I could have an abortion, pack up my stuff and run away, and never speak to anyone I know ever again. Because I know that they will judge me harshly for aborting. Then I think about the possibilities of having a miscarriage and I wish so bad that it would happen to me. I don't want to be pregnant from this guy. I can't picture myself being happy next to him and I don't want to be a single mother. I have no clue as to what I should do, I feel very depressed and even though I won't commit suicide it crosses my mind all the time. I don't know how I'll ever make this child happy when I'm not. I just want my life back :(

Ash, Crusader of Space,

I feel the same way. My life is over and I don't want the responsibility. It would be nice to know how you are doing now.

Harper, Butcher of the craft table,

I had that feelings too before, I confronted my feelings and asked myself why am I not happy but instead sad in being pregnant. I knew of the loss and the plans and the enjoyment I am going to miss for being a mom. Such a long term commitment is scary. Is it really being pregnant that I am sad about or the financial part of bringing up a child? I asked myself, what if I am rich will I still be sad being pregnant? Oh! I realised that it were not really being pregnant but of the financial hardships I was going to face. That was the human practical feelings in me. I was feeling really kind of abnormal being sad, but also told myself just being really me, different. I felt guilty somehow for the feelings, but I know that was just a feeling. God will not judge me for my initial feelings, but maybe with what I do with my feelings. But somehow I made my decisions to keep my baby, but also asked God that if He could take the life of my child in his own way so be it, I told God, I am not ready, I said I'm sorry. But if it is your will for the baby to be born so be it. For two weeks those were my prayers, after that my hormones went down and I was informed by the doctor that I may have a miscarriage if it continues to go down. I thank God for my answered prayer. I got miscarriage, the feeling after that is not more of being happy but just simply being at peace that I did not take the life of my child, but was God's. After many years, I got pregnant again, did went all through the same scenario, did the same prayers, but this time I gave birth to a child, not sad not really happy because of financial thoughts at the back of my mind. But my motherly instinct, motherly compassion and kindness to my child is just overflowing. The satisfaction of rearing my child and have the experience and the ability is something to be thankful for. It is a journey up to the present, it is no longer about more me but about my baby. I have grown up matured and have done all in life, both happy and sad, now it is my child's turn in life. Whatever you feel now, is just a feelings, but it is very important to be honest with that. Talk to a counsellor or somebody that really cares for you. Keep the child and decide for adoption if you think you really can not accept. Give yourself a chance to see your child's face first, then decide. What is just nine months of your life to complete his life, and then go on with your life, let your child be adopted and continue his life as well. You want to enjoy life ofcourse, so give that life a chance to enjoy his life too.

Shiki, Apprentice of the Poor,

Hi I was doing a search and came across your post.... I am currently feeling the same way and was wondering what ever happened with your situation?

Adrian, Attendant of the Financial Services department,

I feel the exact same way and have not told anyone around me, probably because they will not understand. I just want to know what you did?? How to proceed?

Peyton, Funeral Director of Light,

Hi please can anyone on here update me how you got on? Some of these comments are over a year old, could you tell me if it's as bad as you expected? I'm pregnant and want to run away and am hating my prospects! Thanks.

Bobbie, Patriarch of Musclebeasts,

same here, it would be good to know what happened to everyone?

Max, Scout of Space,

Thank god for this post. I cry every single day thinking about the fact that I'm having my second baby already. No one understands n tells me my feelings will change but I just feel so depressed every day thinking about sitting here for an entire summer being a huge useless mess. On top of it, my entire family (fiancé and 2 year old daughter included) are going on a cruise for a family members wedding and I can't go because I'll be 4 weeks postpartum and baby will be too little to fly, go on a vacation etc. so every time I'm with my family all they talk about is this vacation n I'm sitting there fighting back tears because I just imagine them all having a blast In the Caribbean and I'm at home in November in crappy cold weather, fat, exhausted, recovering from a c section and at home alone taking care of a newborn. I was just getting excited because my 2 year old is finally gaining her independence n I dont have to baby her as much any more but now I have to do it all over again. My fiancé tries to make me feel better by saying it'll only be hard for a few years n things will get better but it just makes me upset cuz a few years is a long time!! And he's not the pregnant one missing out on everything!! I love my kids, and know it will be easier once i give birth but i just feel so alone and depressed right now to be missing out on life it seems!

Andy, Student of the Lonely,

Thank you so much for this! It's so great to know that other people feel the same way that I do! I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, and I'm so sick and tired of people telling me how this this is, and I'm even more tired of the morons that think that I'm in some kind of dream world and don't know how big of an impact having a baby will be in my life. Listen, I know that my whole life will change now. I know that it's not all fun and games anymore. I know that it's a huge responsibility and that it will be stressful. I know that it's not just about having a cute little baby. Stop freaking reminding me. You're making me more miserable than I already am. In fact, those that are treating me like I'm completely naive to all of this and tell me that I'm making a huge mistake aggravate me so much more than those who are telling me to be happy and that this is so great. Why? Because I'm already stressing and having doubts of my own. I don't need to hear other people berating me about this too. I'm 11 weeks pregnant and miserable. I have an extremely amazing guy that is so excited to have a baby with me, and yet I'm over here wishing that it would all go away. I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me. I feel like my whole life my freedom has been suppressed, and all I've wanted for so long is my freedom to live life and enjoy it to the fullest and finally be myself and be happy, and now that I'm so close to having all of that, it's all being taken away from me. I feel like now I will never have the freedom that I've been wanting for so long. My life will be taken away from me before it's even started. Because now that I have this baby, it will never just be about me again. Seeing babies stresses me out, and I can't stand seeing or hearing about baby stuff. In the stores, I tried to avoid the baby section all together because I really don't get good feeling walking through there. I had made up my mind not that long ago that I didn't want to have any children. I wanted to live an independent life as an entrepreneur and go on my own little adventures and enjoy the beauty of the world without being tied down. I wanted to be big and successful and be free to enjoy it. I was even thinking of going single just to go out and explore and do what I wanted on my own for a while. You know what I did want? Dogs. Yup, I wanted a bunch of cute furry little dogs, and those would be my babies. Yes, I don't want a kid, I want a dog. Go ahead and judge me, I don't care. So why is it that I'm having this baby? Because I've already had an abortion once before, and it messed me up a lot, both mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't want to go through that again. I felt horrible after that, and said that next time I would have the kid no matter what, so now here I am. I also feel like if me and my guy had an abortion once before and still managed to get pregnant again then this time it's on us and this time we have to take responsibility for it. Once, fine. Twice, we asked for it. Another thing, I'm Christian. I'm not religious at all (I hate religion) but I do believe in the Almighty God and I feel like he has a plan for all of us. I feel like maybe this is all in his plans for me, and that his plans for me are much greater than my plans for myself, even if I don't know what those plans are yet. Honestly, it's my faith that is getting me through all of this right now. It's my belief that things will still work out and turn out alright in the end, regardless of all the stress and tears that I'm going through right now. I've still thought about abortion every now and then though. And I still hope for a miscarriage sometimes. I'm so confused right now. I can't tell my guy because he thinks that he's just ruined my entire life and I don't want him feeling horrible about himself (it also irritates me when he says that and gets upset because I'm the one who also made this happen. It's not like he forced me to sleep with him). Omg I'm sorry this is so long. I honestly have no one to talk to about this, no one understands, and so I've been holding it in for so many weeks and it feels so nice to let it all out somewhere where people will actually understand where I'm coming from instead of judging me. Thanks again!

Taylor, Engineer of the Poor,

I was told I couldn't have children but had my daughter at 19 I'm now in my late 20s and after being told it was highly unlikely I would get pregnant again and coming to terms with that I'm pregnant again I'm devastated n just can't seem to change the way I'm thinking my partner is over the moon but tbh I'm scared feel like I won't cope even tho I've done it before and done a good job having kids young is hard and I wouldn't advise it live your life first I wouldn't change my daughter for the world but I know it's hard and I'm worried about staring all over again

Adrian, Deviant of the Unimaginable Terror,

Thank you to the original poster as well as all the women who has shared their experience. I'm currently going through this pregnancy and feeling unhappy. I'm glad to have came across this blog and read that I am not alone ! I'm 24, I went for my first dating scan last week, and found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant. I was shocked at first, because I didn't think I could have kids. It's my first pregnancy, I should be feeling excited but all I wish is to miscarry. At this point, I'm considering going through an abortion although its the last thing I wanted to think about. It was an unplanned pregnancy and i've just been feeling unhappy ever since I found out. My boyfriend and I have been arguing a lot recently and I've been feeling depressed/stressed as I don't feel like I'm getting enough support from him. He says everything will be alright, but he's not stable. I don't feel it would be good raising a child without a certain stability and I don't see myself being a single mother either. I had told my mom as I needed someone to talk to, and now my boyfriend has shared the news to some of his family members which makes it harder on me as they all want me to keep it. I didn't want this to be known as I am still unsure of my decision. And the fact, that everyone is happy for me when I'm not, aggravates me even more. I currently enjoy my life and I'm scared that I won't be able to follow through my life goals, travel if I have this child. I know it may sound selfish but I'm just saying how I feel. Although, everyone's excited and wants me to keep it, I have to think about how I would live with this life decision. People will judge you no matter what. At the end of the day, listen to your heart... Whatever your gut feeling tells you, is usually right.

Bowie, Developer of Space,

It makes me feel better to know someone else out there feels as I do. I couldn't be more miserable. My life will be over soon. Have things improved For you at all?

Ari, Wizard of the craft table,

I'm the OP. I know how you feel. Things are very good for me and I love my daughter. You will acclimatize and adjust...it's just foreign right now. And you probably feel very detached. That's how I felt at least. Just do what you think is right. But do understand there is the possibility that it could end up being one of the best things to happen to you. Don't lose hope completely. I really thought my life was over, had zero attachment to the fetus...but when she was born and I got to know her, things became very different. But please do what you think is right, regardless of what anyone else wants. I support you 100% whether you keep it, have it, or adopt the child out.

Ari, Wizard of the craft table,

...or terminate. Again, you have my support.

--R

Taylor, Writer of the Hungry,

I'm glad to find this blog. It's lonely & scary to be pregnant and not happy about it. I just feel totally trapped and depressed. My husband and I had tried off and on for several years to become pregnant. Then 6 months ago,we decided to stop trying because we realized we really didn't want kids. Our life is great just the way it is. And then bam - pregnant! There was only ONE day we didn't use protection - the day before my (very regular) period.... which according to my first dating scan, was exactly when I conceived! I still can't believe it. I've battled depression and severe anxiety for many years, and this is putting me over the edge. I've hoped for a miscarriage every day, but after a healthy 12 week scan, I don't think it's going to happen. My husband is trying to be supportive, but at the same time he's excited and wants to start telling people... but I just can't face everyone's excited reactions yet. The only person who knows is my mom, and that's only because I needed someone to talk to. I can't even walk past the kids/baby sections at stores without breaking down. I also cry nonstop for this baby, because it didn't choose to have such an awful mother that doesn't want it! I just really, really hope that once this baby is born, that I WILL fall in love with them, and that will get me through the first months at least...

Shiki, Bright King of the Financial Services department,

41 first pregnancy unplanned! I'm about 5-6 weeks. Not sure I'm totally happy. Had polycystic ovaries and never thought I would conceive naturally. Interesting to read on several forums that weight loss may be a crucial factor in ability to conceive. Anyway... I always wanted a child in wedlock, sadly my divorce came thru this June after a 3yrelationship/1yr married/2 yrs separated...with my childhood sweetheart. Very difficult to get over. Had a chance to party and have freedom back resigning myself to the fact that children wouldn't be a part of my life. Met a guy of 54 3 months ago. Lots in common, talking, laughing and BOOM ... PREGNANT! only found out at the weekend. SHOCKED, UNHAPPY, DEPRESSED. Dealing with stress I would have a drink, smoke and now I have to stop BOTH! Didn't take any precautions as I didn't want hormones via the pill and the coil was bad for me. We knew the risks but my partner is very supportive. I'm worried my freedom has gone. I am struggling to run my 12 yr old business which I worry i will lose. Money worries all around, council tax arrears after hand injuries meant I was off work for 8 months last year. The business is still trying to recover. House needs loads of work doing and I am totally and mentally exhausted worrying about everything. Worried it'll be my last chance to be a mum even though I haven't urged myself to get pregnant in th past. Still trying to get to know my new partner. So confused and worried I will get fat and be a rubbish mum. I wouldn't consider temrination at all. I'm hoping all will be ok and I can still have a life?!

Addison, Ranger of Wild Parties,

In May, I became a first time mother at the age of 44. The pregnancy was a complete shock and I spent the first 14 weeks suffering from complete worry and anxiety. I also worried about finances, my age, the health of my baby, etc..... I'm here to tell you that 8 months later, I am completely and utterly in love with this little boy who is a miracle, really. I can't believe how amazing this experience has been. Sure, I still worry about the daily grind, but I also am so grateful that I have this baby. He is a miracle and I can't believe I almost missed out on this experience. You'll be fine. Things will work themselves out. Just take things one day at a time. Don'y worry about your weight. It'll come off later. Just enjoy the experience. It will fly by. Trust me :)

Ash, Carpenter of the Hungry,

I'm feeling the exact same way! Would you like to exchange emails and be each others pregnancy buddy? I could really use someone to talk to!

Stevie, Lover of the Forgotten Lands,

I also just found out I am pregnant, stuggled for a while with do i want kids and decided after years of thinking about it to try and it happened on the first go. Instead of being happy I am in shock, sad and thinking I dont want this which makes me feel so bad. I hope your doing ok. Happy to talk if you need someone.

Peyton, Referee of the Irredeemably Moist,

I am so relieved that other women feel this way!!! I'm 31, have a 13 year old son and just found out I'm pregnant. When my son was two, my husband and I tried to have another baby. We tried for five years and I cried whenever one of my friends would get pregnant. Eventually I leaned to embrace having an only child. I was so excited to think my son would be in high school in two short years so I could go to college. Now I find out that I've got a year of baby formula and five years of a baby sitter to pay for. I'm not thrilled at the prospect of changing poop diapers and potty training. I am contoured to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Kadnyce, Real Estate Agent of the Unimaginable Terror,

Update please. In same boat currently. Identical to be exact.

Frankie, Venture Capitalist of Arts and Crafts,

The important thing is for everyone to realize that it is completely acceptable to feel the way you do. Life is hard and making decisions about our lives are difficult. Just because others expect you to act and feel a certain way does not invalidate the feelings you have and decisions you want to make. How you feel is not wrong. Do what is best for YOU. We live only once. Sometimes you have to take yourself into account and make the best decision for yourself, so that you live a happy life, and in turn others around you will be happier for it. When difficult situations like these arise, remember that you are the one who matters. You will bear the weight more than anyone else. We women must be accountable for our happiness and not let others, the media, and whoever or whatever else persuade us otherwise.

Bobbie, Elementalist of the Wicked,

I love your response. I need someone to talk to. Would you be willing to exchange emails?

Dakota, Keeper of the Hungry,

I am now 11 weeks pregnant after dating my boyfriend for only 5 months. Before the pregnancy our relationship was great and I have moved back to UK from Asia where I lived for the last two years for us to start a life together as a couple...and bang - a surprise! When we found out we both were shocked, especially that we just had a chat the night before how not ready we are to have kids just yet and both will be happy to do so after a couple of years together and getting married first. However we decided to go through with this as we love each other (I found out at 4 weeks). Now few weeks down the line things are changing and we are arguing daily, my hormones are through the roof and I am constantly feeling robbed off my freedom, not ready to give up my life and become someone's mum. Also I wasn't ready to give up living in Asia as was thinking about spending few months there per year. Also financial situation is very poor as I haven't got a job and my boyfriend's earnings barely cover rent and food. The shock and stress of this pregnancy has taken a toll on our relationship and now I don't even think I want to be with my boyfriend anymore and just like the author of the original post feel like running away. I have dating scan scheduled later on today and a telephone counseling appointment tomorrow with unplanned pregnancy support and possible abortion options. For weeks I have been toying with the idea of having the latter done and the more I think about it the more calmer I get....does this mean it's the right solution or is the illusion of having a choice calming me down? I was very happy to read original poster's update that having her daughter was the best thing she has ever done as this does give me hope that if I do stick this pregnancy out everything will be OK, but on the other hand relationship problems need to be worked on and am too angry and depressed to be able to sit down and have a calm conversation with my boyfriend about how we can sort our issues out before there is a baby on top of them. To top it all off I can't share this thoughts with anyone as am a yoga and meditation teacher (this makes even contemplating termination unbearable) and despite daily practice none of this helps with my anger. Thank you for this blog and being able to see that I am not alone, not that I wish this emotional hell upon anyone!

Taylor, Keeper of Imagination,

Hello, so sorry for the emoitional rollercoaster your going through. Me and my husband want kids. I can have kids, but not with him probably. Hes older, with ED. I am younger than he is (mid 30's), but want to have a family of my own, one day soon. I wish you the best in your decision.

Andy, Student of Evil,

I cry every day about being pregnant. I thought I wouldn't mind if I got pregnant but as soon as I got the positive, it was the most awful feeling in the world. I pray to miscarry, dread my appointments still showing a heartbeat and kicking, constantly wishing this never happened. The thought of feeling it inside me is grossing me out just to think about it. My last hope is for there to be a chromosome issue with the genetic testing and I can terminate for medial reasons. Otherwise, IDK what I will do. I don't want to get any bigger, I don't want to give birth and this is all just so overwhelming. Doesn't help that my DH is over the moon. I can't even tell him how sad I am about this. I pray for my sanity as I can't have this baby. I beg God to peacefully save me every hour.

Peyton, Thief of the Idealistic,

Ok warning I feel pretty alone here, I'm gonna give a male perspective. (Ladies if I make some mistakes PLEASE correct me, I want to know how both sides feel) I will address mostly negative points that I have observed as the positive points seem to need no more explanation. 1. Many of you seem down about your pregnancy. How do you think this happened? On one hand if you had unprotected consensual sex why is it a surprise you are pregnant? You should know what the results of that should be. I understand sex can be a way of emotionally bonding with someone you care about but you can't ignore the human biology. 2. As a parent it pains me to hear talk of abortion as if the unborn children are mere objects. Every human can make a difference. Many famous people in our history, do you think their parents didn't have the same doubts and fears? If you become pregnant even if you don't want to keep the child I agree with some on here, give him/her up for adoption. No one person man or woman has the right to extinguish the unknown future of a human. Their hopes, dreams, goals, families, jobs, relationships, and deaths. Look at yourself you came from a mother no matter who, fact is they took the time to birth you and give you life. 3. While I understand that being pregnant must take an emotional toll so does being a soldier who gets PTSD, recovering from an alcohol, drug, or smoking addiction. Having your heart broken. Losing a loved one. Going through some of the pregnancy symptoms (That you most likely got by having SEX) to bring a new existence into this world gives you (Which my wife agrees with) no right to complain. 4. Do you really think your future will be extinguished just because you are now a mother? Your body will recover. You can get a sitter if you want to go on your vacation. Living in Barcelona can still happen! (My single mother and I lived in Spain for 5 years believe it or not) Don't give up on your dreams and hopes being a mother can make things even more interesting! I hope I have addressed my points in a calm manner and thank you for your time.

Peyton, Merchant of the Rich,

Women I society are expected to do everything be a mother,housewife, nurse, and sometimes bread winner of the family plus put out for your husband when he wants it. Science b/c isn't perfect so when you say your body will recover..... My vagina hasn't been the same I have stretch marks all over my body. I pee when I cough, I am nauseous 24 hours a day 7 days a week, my breasts hurt. And when this baby comes I will most likely endure long hours of labor, bleed for a month straight, not to mention having to breast feed so I'll be the one who has to get up at night. Because I'm off of work I will have to cook and clean and take care of our other daughter. The list goes on......... Having a baby is depressing and i don't know what perfect world your living in but it isn't realistic

Peyton, Thief of the Idealistic,

Ok warning I feel pretty alone here, I'm gonna give a male perspective. (Ladies if I make some mistakes PLEASE correct me, I want to know how both sides feel) I will address mostly negative points that I have observed as the positive points seem to need no more explanation. 1. Many of you seem down about your pregnancy. How do you think this happened? On one hand if you had unprotected consensual sex why is it a surprise you are pregnant? You should know what the results of that should be. I understand sex can be a way of emotionally bonding with someone you care about but you can't ignore the human biology. 2. As a parent it pains me to hear talk of abortion as if the unborn children are mere objects. Every human can make a difference. Many famous people in our history, do you think their parents didn't have the same doubts and fears? If you become pregnant even if you don't want to keep the child I agree with some on here, give him/her up for adoption. No one person man or woman has the right to extinguish the unknown future of a human. Their hopes, dreams, goals, families, jobs, relationships, and deaths. Look at yourself you came from a mother no matter who, fact is they took the time to birth you and give you life. 3. While I understand that being pregnant must take an emotional toll so does being a soldier who gets PTSD, recovering from an alcohol, drug, or smoking addiction. Having your heart broken. Losing a loved one. Going through some of the pregnancy symptoms (That you most likely got by having SEX) to bring a new existence into this world gives you (Which my wife agrees with) no right to complain. 4. Do you really think your future will be extinguished just because you are now a mother? Your body will recover. You can get a sitter if you want to go on your vacation. Living in Barcelona can still happen! (My single mother and I lived in Spain for 5 years believe it or not) Don't give up on your dreams and hopes being a mother can make things even more interesting! I hope I have addressed my points in a calm manner and thank you for your time.

Addison, Paladin of Light,

I was pregnant at 21 and had an abortion. I don't regret my decision at all. I was left with a constant feeling of the choice of having a child was taken away from me. Now many years later, happily married I am now okay with the idea of a child but still cannot comprehend going of birth control and choosing this, even though I have support and have no logical reason for not doing it. After all it would be my choice now. But to get over this mental barrier is massive. I would love to find out I'm pregnant and be happy about it but I am still ecstatic each month when my period comes. I'm worried that I will never feel this way. I joke about how it would be easier to have a child entirely made of our DNA but without me having to go through falling pregnant, pregnancy and childbirth. I too deal with ' it's different when it's yours comment, but guess what I have been there in the past and I didn't feel that way. I'm looking at speaking to a psychologist to try and overcome this. Bit it has been a very long 8 years with very little change to the mental stance and I worry I can't get past it. Hopefully I find my path to motherhood without the fears I have been holding onto

Dakota, Deviant of Evil,

When I found out I was pregnant, I cried and my husband cried. Mine of sadness hisof complete joy and elation. This is number 2 and its been 7yrs since the 1st. So its basically a new experience all over again. My hubby spoils me and really let's me get away with murder, but doesn't change the fact that I'm just not happy to be pregnant. I'm getting my tubes tied after this pregnancy. Thanks for sharing. I thought I might be the only one to feel this way. BTW, this doesn't mean I don't or won't love my children. But pregnancy is such a burden.

Ash, Engineer of Wild Parties,

I agree with you about pregnancy being a burden. I love my child but hated every minute of the pregnancy. The first few months of adjustment to new baby are pretty difficult too. You'll be able to get over the rough stuff like you did before and be a great mom. You'll love the second one just as much as your first. Hang in there! I wish you the best luck with whatever you decide.

Harper, Musician of the Irredeemably Moist,

Seeing and reading all these posts has made me feel so much less alone, I feel as though I can relate to every woman in here in one way or another. I had dreamed of being a mother my whole childhood and adolescent years and was lucky to find the man of my dreams early on in life and just assumed if we ever got pregnant whether on purpose or not I would be happy. Once I became an adult and saw how much my husband and I and our pets could enjoy life on our own I questioned whether or not I would ever want to become a mother but we have both swayed back and fourth over the past 5 years on that subject but we have always known not yet because as selfish as it sounds...life's just too good for us right now. We like our demanding jobs, we love to travel the world, we like to drink and party and socialize with our friends and we love devoting all our extra time and love to our fur babies. We have 2 dogs and a cat that we've had for 5+ years and we recently rescued a 3rd sweet little dog against our better judgement but he came from a very bad situation and we just wanted to give him a good life after all he'd been through. The thing is he is older and has some terribly stressful bad habits that I have been struggling with lately as it is so I'm not sure how I'm going to add pregnancy and a new born to that situation but we've made the commitment to him and after all he's been through this is home now.

I'm 26, ive been with my husband for 11 very happy years, married for 1 and I just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant (guessing, my first dr. appointment is next Monday) and I'm so angry and I'm so scared! We have always been so careful and this one time we didn't use any protection and this is what happened! I'm so angry at both of us, it was so careless! I am, and always have been 100% pro choice but I just assumed with him it would never even be a thought if we ever found ourself in this situation, I mean how could I kill a piece of us, I love him more than anything, of course I would love our child. Now I can't stop crying, I can't sleep all night and then I am a zombie at work during the day. I am fantasizing about miscarriage 24/7, please I am not ready yet, take this thing out of me! Every time I go to the washroom I'm checking for blood but I know that is not likely so my mind keeps going back to abortion. Ive been feeling disgusted with myself that I could have such evil thoughts, how could someone who thinks like this raise a child? I am so lucky, too lucky, my husband is so supportive. He is happy about the baby I know but when I took the test I started crying almost immediatly and so he has been doing his best to show his support, encouragement and willingness to be a father without making me feel bad about the way I feel. He says he supports me no matter what I decide but I hate that it's all on me. I'm so scared if I decide to terminate he will resent me for it, that I wont be able to forgive myself or that karma will not allow me to have a baby one day if and when I am ready. If I keep it I'm so scared that I will resent him or the baby or my life. Both decisions make me scared I will live with regrets and resentment.

We haven't told anyone yet and I don't plan to any time soon, I feel when I tell people it will make it real and I will inevitably become annoyed with the people I love because I know all our family and friends will be ecstatic and annoyingly supportive. I'm feeling embarrassed about telling people, I've been so vocal lately about not having kids any time soon, everyone's going be judging me and our child. People have been telling us for years we should have kids and its never done anything but annoy us. Both our mothers can just be so annoying in general but they have both been asking for grandchildren since we were 20 and gilt tripping us because we are their only chance at grandchildren because each of our brothers will never have kids. I am certain that when other people show excitement I will not be able to contain my irritation and true feelings and people will think I'm a monster.

On top of it all we are in a wedding in Mexico in a month with all our friends that we've been excited about for over a year, fun in the sun, drinking with our friends, zip lining, dune buggying, scuba diving...it's all out of the question now! Not to mention everyone is going to find out I'm pregnant whether I like it or not because my friends know me well enough to know I wouldn't pass on a week of all inclusive drinking for any other reason. This was a once in a lifetime experience and if I'm all upset about missing out on something so small in the big scheme of things, how am I going to raise a child? Its all just too much for me to handle.

Anyways I really appreciate all you women for your strength and courage and sharing your stories, and hope that you are all happy in your life with the decisions you've made! You're all inspirational to me! I'm especially thankful to the original poster for opening up the conversation to all of us and updating us on your life. I feel like its so encouraging that you had the baby and your so happy, maybe we can all have a happy ending. I hope with time I can learn to become happy with this situation but right not i can't even think about it without crying. I guess it's only up from here...

Ash, Engineer of Wild Parties,

UPDATE FROM ORIGINAL POSTER

Hello everyone! I wrote this post two years ago and stumbled back upon it when I went to blog about something else. I searched for it just to see if it was still there and to read what I wrote so long ago and was overwhelmed and surprised by how many women wrote in feeling the exact same way I did. Many of you have asked for an update, what has transpired since the post was originally written and where I currently am with everything. So here's the honest truth: I had the baby and I can honestly say it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I can also say, that in no way do I regret how I felt at the time and I'm not ashamed of how I felt. I would also like to add, that if I had had a miscarriage or an abortion, I imagine I would probably be writing to tell everyone that was the best outcome or decision (as I would of never met my daughter and would not of known any differently). My pregnancy was terrible during the entire time. And for the entire time, I had negative feelings about being pregnant and felt as though my freedom was stricken away from me within an instant. I never felt close to or had emotion for the baby that was inside of me and felt as though it was more of parasitic entity that took away my body. I remember having blood drawn and was telling a nurse all of my related symptoms, and she told me, "its no longer your body." I hated her for saying that. And to this day, I don't think she should be telling women that. They are still our bodies, we just now carry a child within them. Society expects us to feel a certain way and behave a certain way in regards to pregnancy and child rearing. The reality is, that many of us do not adhere to those norms and many of us do not glow, delight in the showers and congratulatory parties, and enjoy our pregnant bodies. It's within a few seconds...after we read that pregnancy stick or hear the doctor say "congratulations," that the weight of situation bares down on our shoulders...and it's really hard to come to terms with. The expectation is, that we must change right away...change our lifestyles, change our dietary habits, change our plans. I still want to go back to school and I have gone on a few ski vacations. I'm not sure why I wanted to move to Barcelona when I first posted. I'm guessing I wanted to run away. But like I said, in my second post...it's much deeper than trivial things like that. Your whole world changes within an instant and you're not ready for that, whether you were planning to get pregnant or not. I imagine that's how many of us feel, and it certainly doesn't help when the judgmental, God fearing (and indoctrinated) righteous women come here and make us feel bad for that. It's obvious though, that women like that suffer from such low self esteem, that the only thing that will make them briefly feel better is to criticize the rest of us for being honest with ourselves. So don't ever feel bad for how you feel and know that how you feel is completely okay and not misguided or wrong. And don't feel bad about your choices. Whether you decide to keep the baby, have an abortion, give it up for adoption...it's your life and it's certainly your choice. Today my daughter is 16 months old. She's bright, funny, and certainly a handful. I love her very much and it was only when I met her and got to know her as a person that this love emerged. I'm also a pretty damn good mother and in no way do I feel what I wrote makes me any less. What I can also say, is that I've learned to adapt to this new life with my daughter despite the fact that I had very little experience with or enjoyed being around children prior. I hope that everyone else here finds happiness through your decisions. Again, it's your body and your life, and you have right to feel the way you do. Don't feel bad for it and do what you think is best for yourself. I still very much despise the pro-lifers and bashers in this forum, but support the rest of you. If anyone has any questions regarding specifics about how I handled certain events or just needs support, I'll be checking back here and there and I do hope the best for everyone on here.

Rebecca, Funeral Director of Justice,

Thank you for posting your original feeling and for updating......I am 38......living in NYC I have had my share of love affairs and haven't always been "safe" and up until 4 months ago I never got pregnant. I was starting to think I couldn't and because of my age was getting nervous. Well turns out I could as I am now 17 weeks. The father of the child is a disaster and I am miserable about the whole thing :( I am a nanny and I'm great with kids everyone has always said I'd be the best Mom. I always thought so too. However, I thought it would be ideal...with the right guy...right situation......monetarily more stable (I live paycheck to pay check). This is not ideal...I feel like my body has been hijacked by the spawn of satan (a bit dramatic I know) but I always wanted it and I am afraid that if i didn't keep it and waited longer it possibly could never happen:( Point being I am hoping against hope that she (it's a girl) will be born and I'll will love her beyond imagination. Your post made me cry tears of relief and some hope that indeed it will happen so thank you :) I really want it to be ok and to even rise above and never let my daughter know i think her Father is a ridiculous mess...(this sadly she may have to find out on her own).....I don't want to be ungrateful I personally know dear, wonderful women who are struggling with conceiving (younger then me!) and I can't even look them in the eye in case they can read my mind....It feels terrible to have zero emotion for this baby.....to look at the sonogram and shiver/shudder.......too pretend to be happy with my friends and family.....to not even care.....I am just numb and so mad at myself for being so stupid.......ahhhhhh sorry I digress. Anyhow thanks again! I'm so happy that you are happy and can still get some ski trips in! My friend has an empty house in Costa Rica maybe he'll let me live there and raise her......hmmmm futures looking brighter already ha

Bobbie, Garçon of the Forgotten Lands,

I'm not a traditionalist myself and actually thought about going to Costa Rica for a while. Why not. The cost of living is low down there and the schools are great. Do whatever is right for yourself despite what anyone else says or thinks. I wish you the best. Seeing how bright you are and regardless of the asshole father (or sperm donor)...I can tell that you will be a wonderful mother if you decide to go through with the pregnancy. If you decide to abort or adopt out, I commend you for your bravery and making the right decision for the one and only life you have. I can tell you, that regardless how terrible the father is, (if you decide to keep) your child will not constantly remind you of him...he/she will be their own person and you will come to know that child for who they are and not a derivative of the father. I see my daughter everyday for her and never think that I'm looking at her dad and nor am I ever reminded of her father when I do look at her. It sounds weird, I know...but you can really only see that after they're born. Regardless, I wish you much luck with your decisions.

Peyton, Lover of the Forgotten Lands,

Thank for updating. I'm so glad it worked out for you. I'm eight weeks along with my first pregnancy and you hit the nail on your head that everything in your life changes in an instant - diet, lifestyle, etc. I was trying to conceive but it coincided with the death of my father and discovery of my mothers terminal illness. So it has been dreadfully hard to find a lot of joy in the news and changes - being nauseous and extra tired in conjunction with the emotional difficulties of losing loved ones... Wow - it's so hard. I wish I could fast forward to life far in the future when I have a 16 month old that I adore and this was all behind me. This pregnancy is a nightmare so far. So like the other ladies - I'm glad there are others out there who are not instantly earth mothers with their blessed pregnancies.

Harper, Gunner of Arts and Crafts,

Hi there, how are things for you now ? How far pregnant are you ? I am 23 weeks along in a very unplanned pregnancy which has caused me and my beautiful family alot of emotional distress and upset. I am also trying to cope with this alongside the loss of my father to cancer. You are right , the emotional pain of trying to cope with both of these situations in so painful & down right soul destroying. I am off to see ANOTHER doctor to see if they can offer me any help other than just telling me to rest , exercise & eat well !!!!! I haven't even got the motivation to get of the sofa :'(

Allison, Hunter of Good,

I am 32 weeks pregnant. and from the start I didn't want this baby. When I found out my family was going through a tragedy and the whole idea of me having a baby was pushed to the back of my thoughts. Finally at about 6 weeks I told my partner and he was so happy. I thought about getting a abortion and needed someone to take me but he was disgusted that I even mention it. Most my friends are baby crazy so I couldn't turn to them. I hoped and prayed for a miscarrage(had 2 before) and on my 9 week ultra sound it was still there and healthy. I was furious when I found out my partner was telling people, because I was holding on to hope we would loose it still. All my family and friends think I am so wierd or selfish because I don't want this baby. I didn't tell anyone till I was 5mths. I hated and still hate hearing congrats. I avoid people and going out because I don't want to talk about the baby, or hear how they think I will be a great mother. I got down right furious with one co worker who dared talk about the baby to me at work. I haven't really developed a very noticeably baby bump yet because I am tall and long wasted and I love the fact I don't look very pregnant. I can't bring my self to decorate the babies room or buy anything for it except the car seat. Dont know why I feel this way when everyone else around me who is pregnant is elated and all their photos on FB are of there bumps and baby rooms. I just never really ever wanted children. I just don't want being a mother to define who I am. I want the father to be the main care giver, and don't see why that is so wrong I make just as much money if not more and am more responsible with it. Ya so I am riding on the hope that all these thoughts will vanish when the little guy is here, if not then I don't think I am going to be the Great Mother everyone says I will be. aaahhh a little relief gettin forbidden pregnacy thoughts out and written down. Thanks for this post.

Harper, Gunner of Arts and Crafts,

Hi , everything you have wrote here resounds so strongly with how I am feeling at the moment. Struggling to cope with an unplanned pregnancy and a family tradgedy at the same time is slowly and painfully destroying every bit of me that has ever felt happy. How are you now ?

Ash, Engineer of Wild Parties,

You sound so much like I did. I bet you will be a great mother! It will be different when you finally get to meet and get to know this person. For me, it felt so foreign and I never related to the baby until she finally was born. I hated all the baby stuff too, picking out clothes, celebrating, wearing pregnancy pants. You sound smart and assertive; I think you will be able to figure out how you want to adjust your life once the baby is here to your advantage. If you don't want to quit work, then don't! Regardless of what anyone tries to tell you or presses you to do for the baby, you need to make the call. It's completely acceptable to allow the father to be the main caregiver or place the baby in daycare. I've known many women who put their children at four months in daycare so they could continue to work and focus on their plans. And there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. Babies and children are resilient and will do just fine in that type of situation. Start doing some research now on alternative care so that you can still work towards your goals and not be defined as a "stay at home mommie." And if anyone questions you, FUCK THEM! Don't give up on your life, rather allow the new addition to assimilate into it.

Taylor, Superintendent of Darkness,

Thank god i've found this post. I'm so sick of being judged for not feeling all happy about pregnancy. I can't stand the whole production of it all either. There really should be a support group for women that feel this way so we can support eachother.

Dakota, Janitor of Good,

Im 28 weeks pregnant and Im happy always wanted xhildren but at the same time Im not happy, it just isnt the right time ibe got an amazin job that ive just got full time work in im only 21 my partner hasnt fot a flat or a job and I cant afford to get us one o the money I earn. I love the baby but I wiah she was here a couple years later. Im not excited bout the baby evrryone around me is reslly supportive my family have been great its just Im also prone to be letting down and I guess that if I get to excited then somethig bads going to happen. When she kicks I smile and I love seeing her at scans but im just scared that something will go wrog and if so I wont be abke to cope with that. It sounds terrible I oove her but its just the wrong rime. Ims ure once shes here and I can see shes ok ill be fine.

Rex, Manager of the Forgotten Lands,

I have three weeks to go and I'm still waking up hoping its not moving. Sounds awful but I know all the crap I'm going to have to put up with once again and its not happy fun stuff at all. Woman think Awwww this is going to be wonderful its not. Maybe your first but this is my third and I know its nothing I'm looking forward to. I've cried every day. I've thought bad things. I don't even care if I live. Sounds awful but I can't be fake. Everyone says its going to be ok. Only because they dont have to put up with the bullshit and do without once again. Again I'll be taking care of another human and having to suck up my plans. I'm just tired of it all.

Stevie, Tour Guide of Space,

Hi there, I am begging anyone who has posted here who has now gone on with the pregnancy or not, could you please tell me what happened :( I'm in the exact same situation now at 6weeks. After 10 years of wanting a baby, it makes no sense at all & I hate myself for feeling this way :(

Alice, Samurai of Wild Parties,

Hi there, I am in the same situation you were in and wondering how yours turned out?

Josh, Shaman of the Lonely,

Hi, I wanted to reach out because I'm feeling the same as you. I got engaged a month ago and then a week later found out I was pregnant. I have wanted children since I can remember--I love them!( I am a kindergarten teacher, For gods sakes!) but I cannot tell you the dread that I feel every day when I wake up and remember that I'm pregnant. I have voiced this to my parents, who are extremely supportive whatever direction I choose to go in. But when it comes to my fiancé, he feels that. ,because I accepted the proposal that means that I accept the duty to build A life with him, regardless of whether the timing is right. I'm 34 years old. I am aware that time is dwindling. However I also feel that my fiancé and I have issues we need to work out begore bringing another life into the picture. He disagrees and says that if I go through with the abortion he cannot guarantee that he will stay with me. A devastating choice to make. Thoughts? Feelings? Similarities?

Bishop, Writer of the Satisfied,

Break off the engagement! What an ass.

Aubrey, Wizard of the Forgotten Lands,

I'm trying not to cry at my desk whilst reading these posts. I'm sad for me and I'm sad for all the ladies on here. I have my doctors appointment tomorrow to confirm but I peed on two sticks and both positive. I'm 36, landed my dream job in October last year after struggling with 10 years of jobs I hated. I moved away from all my friends and family for the job 300 miles away.

I never wanted children. I've had two terminations over the last 15 years. But now that I'm married and thirty-fucking-six years old, I've run out of reasons to not have a baby. My husband (of a month) is so happy - he grins all the time and I know he'll hate me if I decide I don't want this. I feel so alone - I just want my mum (but she died 5 years ago)! I have no one to talk to up here. I can't tell anyone at work because I'm still on my probation period. If I lose this job, I'll feel like I've wasted everything I've been through to get here. I love who I am - I don't want to change. I don't want to talk about kids all the time and post pictures of my baby all over Facebook. I don't want to stop caring about shoes, gigs and holidays. I don't want to be broke all the time and spend the next 10 years knee-deep in poo and vomit.

Women do this every day. Why can't I? Why don't I see what a blessing it its? Why can't I make sacrifices to become what every woman in the world was designed to do? What's wrong with me? I just want it to go away.

Stevie, Tour Guide of Space,

Hi :) we are in similar situations, same age, different circumstances but the same emotions. I'm just wondering if we could keep in touch on here. I'm finding it hard not having anyone to chat to who's in the same situation :(

Reggie, Paladin of Space,

hi I am 35 & in similar situation and would love to chat and find out how things are going for you now. S.

Ari, CTO of the Hungry,

So glad someone else gets it. I am definitely clinically depressed and I have been married for 10 years and I'm over 35. I have no reason not to be excited. I have the most supportive husband in the world and yet I know, I KNOW it won't be enough. I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Saw the heartbeat and felt absolutely nothing. There is a deep, deep sadness in me that I don't feel excited or connected or anything other than dread really. I can already feel myself withdrawing from thie things and people I love because I don't want to tell them. I don't want to have to pretend to be excited. I suck at that by the way.

And for those of you who can't, it absolutely sickens me that I feel this way. It is NOT fair and I pray you have what you want and I do too...a baby that you're elated about.

The feeling of failure and sadness are all consuming and every book I read assumes EVERYONE has dreamed of this since they were a little girl. Not me.

Dakota, Garçon of the Poor,

Bless all of you that have posted over this time... I really needed to see this and I've been looking for weeks trying to find someone that wasn't so 'YAY' and look at my baby bump, check out my fat belly, there's a baby in there! (booo). I have started to question why people have children in the first place. I've seen women say how selfish of you to feel this way... How selfish of them to assume it's selfish to not want to give birth, if anything it's a selfless act of kindness to use massive amounts of birth control, or at times termination of the pregnancy. No one knows what we go through inside. It's a constant battle, a personal one, that some of us can relate to each other on and vibe in sorrow or happiness together.

My daughter is 14 now so it's been a while and I've finally gotten settled into a 'life' . She has a disability every time she says 'ma, I don't want to be like this...will I always be this way?' I want to just hold her so tight, and I do.. She's awesome and I tell her that, but the thought that I might have another child that will need help frightens the hell out of me and genetically I have a strong chance of this happening again. I believe I'm 13 weeks... had no idea..NO idea I was pregnant, I'm often tired and my cycle has been irregular because I work an odd shift and I have a lot of stress in my life..I'll be going in for an ultrasound in a few days...I feel no attachment, just pain, extreme nausea, can't eat... all the bad parts. Nothing like when I had my daughter, I was younger then. I feel so bad for the baby inside of me... I've always wanted to foster or adopt even before I had my daughter, but an older child. I'm not a baby person, although she was awesome to watch and still is. I just feel like this time I'm not going to be so good at it, I'm not happy, I cry everyday. I haven't told anyone but the father, he's told his family. I've gained weight in the last few years so I already have a pregnant looking belly it's not visible at all, and probably won't be for a while and I don't want anyone to care. I just want to give birth and be done, though I would rather not be pregnant. I made my decision to try to have some physical pleasure with my guy and here we go. At least he's happy, though I don't know why. Together we have four children already, my one, his three and they are very young. I'm pretty much the money maker, so when I go down, which I have; I had to take off work a few times, so like I said when I go down, we're all screwed, and another person I have to provide for. I don't want to get assistance, my insurance doesn't cover maternity. I'm embarrassed, I was supposed to go back to finish my masters in January, but I missed my deadlines for some of my applications. Things are going down hill. Though this post seems pessimistic, I am an optimist for the most part, the glass is always half full with a piece of chocolate on the side. SOMETHING good will happen... Eventually. Again bless you ladies, whatever you decided/decide to do. You're all in my thoughts.

Brett, Travel Agent of Generosity,

I'm 8 months and I have no positive feelings for this baby. None. I cant even pretend at the doctors visits. I'm sure I will only be going thru the motions after its born out of obligation. I'm not looking forward to all the bullcrap that is to be. I named it that didn't help. Bought baby stuff didn't help. Told my 9 year old daughter that didnt help.

Dana, Gunner of Musclebeasts,

I also have no positive feelings and have not told anyone but my husband, who is also not allowed to tell anyone, because I don't even want to hear congratulations and have to pretend to be happy. I don't want to pretend. I don't even feel happy ever now. I just feel like a giant weight has settled onto my shoulders and my life is over. Maybe its not literally over, but the life I have created, planned for, and enjoyed living is over.

Yoko, Prostitute of the Unimaginable Terror,

I am glad to hear all of these replies of mothers not feeling exciting about being pregnant.

I am 7 weeks pregnant, I recently got engaged. My fiance and I had been talking about wanting to get pregnant, especially because I am 28 and he is 32, we want to have a family at a younger age, considering we want a family together one day, why not now when we are young and full of spirit. So we decided to go it; the first try after being off of birth control, we found out we got pregnant.

The day I found out I was pregnant, hours before, I was wishing I would get my period; as it would give me another month of freedom and adventure; as in my heart I am a mountain woman, the adventure queen; I rock climb, mountain bike, and hike enormous mountains and following my bliss. Now I am freaking nervous I am going to loose all this freedom!

I know being able to pregnant is a gift, but I feel nervous and not very excited. I am usually happy, positive, and energetic. I have low energy. My fiance is happy we are pregnant, but he is being effected by my unhappiness; I feel bad for the guy, he is so wonderful and supportive.

I am also worried because I like my face, hair and figure the way they are and I heard everything changes. I am strongly against this situation warping my body permanently. Is the process irreversible with a lot of exercise eating well, and physiotherapy?

The brain and the mind is powerful. I am in this situation and I want to be happy again, get out of this slump. I want my awesome self and energy back. If I think positive of thoughts and I will feel better?

Ash, Shaman of Darkness,

I feel the exact same way. I am 34 years old and this is my first pregnancy. I am 3 1/2 months along and unmarried. All I do is cry about it and worry. This child is coming into a bad situation. I have a stable career and nice salary but the father is not a good choice. He went to punching and choking me a month ago and I pressed charges so he has lost his job and is facing deportation. I'm trying to get my mindset to be happy but I cant. My friend is unable to have children and makes me feel bad. I went to an abortion clinic but could not walk inside and do it. My freedom is going to be completely gone with a child strapped to me for the next 10 years at least. I too have only been able to deal with other peoples kids in small doses although I was always good with children. Anyways, I so pray that I will feel better and I hope all of you do too.

Bobbie, Security Guard of the Hungry,

I am 31 years old, happily married and was loving my life with my husband, until two weeks ago. I am 6 weeks pregnant and devastated. Reading these posts have given me a huge sigh of relief because women have been inherently programmed to feel elated when the "miracle" of a child comes into their life but this is not so for me. Also my heart goes out to you women who so badly want conceive and cannot or for women who are natural born mothers these post are probably unsettling for you but it's a mystery why you are on this blog, it's not the place for you. I had so many plans for myself next year and I just feel like my life is over. My husband is thrilled but too afraid to show it because I spend most free time crying in bed. To make matters worse my sister is pregnant. She and her husband are elated because they want children. My parents flipped over the good news and throw side glances in my direction. I haven't told them because I can't feign excitement over this. I just can't. It baffles me because I have achieved many things, have a great job, and well traveled but is this the only thing people can be proud of for women? Is this our ultimate achievement? I don't have the heart to terminate the pregnancy because my husband would be crushed. I am hoping that I miscarry which kills me to even see it in actual words on paper (or blog). It's so hard to feel this way because every time I read any information it's nearly always followed up with "you will feel differently when it's your own or When you hear the baby's heartbeat you will fall in love." I struggle with that because I don't want to hear the heart beat, I don't want to see it on an ultrasound . It's hard for me because I feel nothing but devastation and impending doom and t I can't do anything about it. Ultimately thank you for posting, it has made me feel like I am not alone in this.

Brett, Author of Justice,

Your post disgusted me! I too am pregnant and very scared but would never wish or dream anything of the sort! Do you know how many woman can't have children? You have no idea how lucky you are!! A child is a blessing! I can't even believe what you wrote! You should be ashamed! You are an adult! Take responsibilty for your actions! The stories I have heard of poor women m/c and they are heartbroken!!!! yet here you are wishing for it! I feel sorry for your child! No child deserves a mother that has had such horrible selfish thoughts run through her head! Get your act together! You really are a horrible nasty person !

Stevie, Trollop of Time,

Now how does that make you any better than her! By calling her a horrible nasty person! I am so fucking sick of you people like that! You claim you're so this and that, but you say things like this! How are you an adult for saying things like that! Jesus would never say those mean things! He who is without sin, cast the first stone! Oops! You can't cast a stone because the only person who was ever without sin died on the cross for all of our sins a long time ago! Before you judge, stop and take a look at yourself first! Because who made you perfect! All sins are the same in GOD's eyes! Lying is no worse than this!

Dana, Gunner of Musclebeasts,

There is nothing horrible or nasty about wishing for a miscarriage if you truly don't want a child now or ever. A miscarriage is simply the body's natural way of ending a nonviable preg. Everybody is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings and these forums are supposed to be areas where we can air them among other people who feel the same way. I know that I have never wanted to be a mother and despite precautions, guess what, it happened. Abortion is not an option for me, although I do not judge others for being able to make that choice, so I would rather my body naturally end it than resent a child for stealing my life. I brought adoption up to my husband but he did not agree. So before you judge others, consider why people may be feeling this way.

Taylor, Servant of Generosity,

You need to step back and realize some women do go through this. I'm there right now myself. Abortion is not an option as the closest clinic is a 4 hour drive away. Yes, I was on birth control the iud was obviously not effective. I don't believe you can judge anyome else for their feelings. You have no idea what it is like obviously to do all you can to prevent it and then for it to happen is traumatic. The belief that all children are a blessing is not true. I take responsibility for my actions but in this case this wasn't because i wasn't responsible.

Andy, Manager of Arts and Crafts,
No my dear, I'm afraid it is you who is the horrible nasty person. Why are you trolling this site? Just to mess with women? Have you read ALL the stories on here? Apparently not or you would not have opened your foolish trap. This --as the title states, unless of course you're too stupid to understand-- is NOT HAPPY ABOUT BEING PREGNANT. I AM taking "responsibility" for my actions and had this mess corrected before it went any further. Had you completely read my post you would have seen I was on BIRTH CONTROL. Never missed a shot. I hope you didn't hurt yourself falling off your pedestal. All the post on here are near identical. I guess it was easy to attack me since mine was the last entry meanining-once again- you read nothing else. And just to make you feel even more stupid, please know that after another round of test, I didn't have a choice. It was not a viable embryo. Know what that means douche bag? It had no heartbeat at 8 weeks. Now-- go cry on another page with your medieval, self-righteous low life attitude and let us be.
Rex, Garçon of the Irredeemably Moist,

So many women. I am NOT alone.... My fiancée and I have been trying to plan a wedding for 8 years. 8 years. We put it on hold to buy a home as he has 2 children and I have one. Between 3 hurricanes, another home purchase and our surprise miracle arriving in 2008 (he's now 5), this wedding is not happening. My 21yr old daughter beat me to the alter in September of 2012. Our lives were finally coming together. New home, a room for each child, trips to Disney, wedding savings started- again. Last week I went for my routine Depo shot. My Dr returns and said "Your test was positive." Test? What test? Were the precancerous cells returning? She said "No, your pregnancy test." I was gripped with immediate fear, panic and anger. How could I be so stupid to have put my faith and fate into something 99.99%? I will be 40 in February and my fiancée 42 in January. I'm "due" in May. He was viciously angry when I told him. I made an appointment at our local" clinic". I sat there and went for 5 hours thru several test and was told I have a 2 week window for a pill abortion and I could schedule my return to begin the process at my convenience. I knew I needed outside emotional support. My dad, sister and daughter, all concerned with my age and health issues think it's the right choice. My mother.... my mother went completely Catholic on my ass. I am suddenly a disappointment in life with no ambition. And I'm going to burn in hell for just considering what I am considering. Last time I checked it was still a legal medical procedure and at almost 40 I do believe it's my choice. God's plan..... well God is most certainly a man. I am so angry. Angry at God. Angry at my Dr. Angry at the drug manufacturers. Angry at myself. Hating my mother right now. My old man is so pissed he said if I decided to do something stupid and have it, me and our 5 year old would have to leave because he does not want another baby in the house and technically the house is in his and his dad's name. Can't blame him. I don't want another in the house either. I have 10 days left in my 2 week window. I just need to tell my job I need a few sick days and get this out my life. It's utterly destroying my family. I just can't see any good coming from this.

Ash, Developer of Darkness,

Only just found this when I typed "pregnant but unhappy" into Google. I would have thought that I wrote it myself! Almost everything you described - if not more, is exactly how I feel.

I am not gonna give you advice like some high and mighty people think they are entitled to do, I just want to tell you that you are not alone.

Taylor, Sheriff of Darkness,

This is a fantastic post. Sorry and no offense to those who cannot conceive, but you really should NOT be on this webpage torturing yourselves and/or judging others. :(

I am a full-time working mother of 3 beautiful children whom I live for. Two from my first marriage, and 1 from my second. I told my husband, I will give you ONE, since he had zero. And now the youngest is 4, we're moving freely... out of diapers... and WTF, #4!!!!! I had an appointment to abort, which I couldn't go through. I just keep thinking, why did I have to be such a chicken? I'm 8 weeks and keep saying "I'm not there yet." Everyone around me is excited (except my 13 year old) and I'm like wtf is wrong with these people?!!! Who the hell has 4 kids? Unless you're on welfare!!! I see these maternity message boards with these women having 4, 5, 6, 7 kids and they're all excited. They're fucking nuts!!

That being said, I'm SURE I will love this child as much as my others once he/she is born... I just really wish I was already "there." Right now all I am doing is dreading starting over AGAIN.

Andy, Manager of Arts and Crafts,
I appreciate your first few sentences. Please scroll down to view the horrid troll who while on her soap box decided I was the one to attack.
Addison, Warlord of the Rich,

I thought I was the only one feeling like this. I got married in June and children is something me and my husband have always wanted. I used to get broody at friends children. This pregnancy came as a bit of a shock as we weren't going to start trying until next year. I told my parents when I found out I was pregnant, I wish I hadn't. They're really excited, as is my husband. I feel like I'm a failure. I aren't excited, I feel no love or connection towards it and constantly wish it hadn't have happened. I never thought I'd feel like this I always expected to be excited. I felt like if I told family about it their excitement would help me get excited. It hasn't. I feel so trapped and upset about it. I am so worried about going through the whole pregnancy feeling like this.

Taylor, Soldier of the Wicked,

Omg I feel the same. I already have two and I do not want a third.

Frankie, Janitor of Darkness,
I came across this forum, and related to your post. I feel that I have tocophobia, fear of pregnancy. I feel that I am backed into a corner, as my hubby wants a child, and I am content not to have one. Family and friends keep encouraging me to bite the bullet and just do it (have a kid). Not sure how or if I will get over it. It's been over a year since you posted your fears. What has happened in your life since then? Any advice would be so helpful.
Josh, Pirate of Justice,

I am feeling this exact same way. When we talked about stopping birth control I wanted a baby. Then it didn't happen for years and I figured it just wasn't going to. I didn't start taking birth control again just because my husband wants a baby so bad. Now I'm pregnant. Thank you so much for this post, I think this is the first time I've laughed since I found out, I really love hearing the same blunt words running through my head really written out. I'm consoling myself with how wonderful my husband is and that after a few years I know he'll help and do whatever is necessary so that I can hold on to my dreams. I feel selfish saying that. Like I should be happy to give up my dreams but I just can't. The though of it is too depressing and sad to bear. I'm looking forward to keeping on reading. Keep posting please.

Peyton, Host of the Homeless,

I read most of the comments. I was baby lover, but I'm pregnant with 6 weeks and I'm not happy. because I have some kind of Nausea and get so week, I don't like my husband's behavior and my husband has material problems also which all the time make my mind busy with his works. So now all mixed together. and I don't know what I have to do. My husband doesn't know how to behave with a pregnant women, I show him some websites but still he is acting like a child and arguing with me like a women, and as long as his behaviors are looks like her mom it made me more upset even though he is 41 years old. I have grown up in a very lovely family my parents love each other every day but I don't see the same feelings in us and it bothers me, I couldn't get divorced and now I'm pregnant and not happy.

Brett, Deviant of the Financial Services department,

So pleased to have come across these posts. Just found out I'm pregnant..about 9 weeks to be exact. And my immediate reaction was anger and panic. I keep thinking about the loss of MY life and my freedom. I don't care if it's selfish... its the truth. I don't feel an ounce of excitement or joy. I just feel pissed off. I keep imagining a baby wailing all hours of the night. The responsibility I'm now faced with for the rest of my life and the rest of this alien inside of me's life. Literally... from this moment on I have to worry about not only myself but another life I've created. Its freaking me out. My fiance... he's totally happy and excited. Which just ticks me off even more. I bet you are fucking happy.. you're not carrying this thing around for 9 months or having all the judgement passed on you. I want to scream. And I feel like a monster. Because I thought pregnancy was supposed to be such a joyous life event. And 15 year olds do it all the time. So why can't I at 23? Because I'm smart. And I just don't know if I'm ready for this. Financially or emotionally. This wasn't my life plan. I love kids. And have always wanted to be a mother.. but I wasn't wantinf to be one right now. I'm so confused and exhausted. I hate my body right now. I hste the physical changed and sickness. This whole ordeal is awful.

Alice, Ship Master of Space,

I can really relate to most of you guys. I too am neither happy nor excited of being pregnant. I just found out last Saturday that I am 5 weeks pregnant. I am only 22 years old just restarted my education last Aug and now this. Personally I have never wanted kids that's why I decided to go with the Paraguard IUD I thought 10 yrs. safe that's great but I was wrong! When I went to the doctors I was told it moved out of place it had expelled. I feel that my life is completely over. All I think about is why in the hell did this have to happen to me. I know I am not emotionally and financially ready for this and the worst part is my fiance and his entire family is jumping of joy. His mother talks about it’s a gift from god and she’s ready to start knitting it a blanket. All I really want is to have a miscarriage. I feel even embarrassed to tell my family and friends I am pregnant. I wonder if with time my feeling will change and I will be happy to be a mother, but I am scared that it won’t. All I think about is getting fat, carrying something inside me I don’t want, and the fear of becoming a single mother. All I want is for this nightmare to be over.

Brett, Bright Queen of Time,

Reading these posts have made me feel the happiest I've felt since learning I was pregnant last weekend. My husband and I made the decision to not try, not prevent about a year ago, but I was pretty in tune with my body and would avoid when ovulation happened. I wasn't stupid enough to think it would never happen - but once it did I just completely broke down and have been kind of just in a fog all week. My husband does want kids and I feel so bad - but right now all I can think about is me - how this affects me, how this ruins my life. I like sleeping in, I like drinking beer, I like shopping and wearing fun clothes. And I feel like the most selfish, awful person ever. I respect the right to choose - but I won't have an abortion myself. I will have to somehow come to terms with this, but I'm scared I never will and will grow to resent my child. At any rate, while this doesn't fix anything for me, it was very cathartic to read about others feeling this way and to just write this out. I am just praying that somehow I'll find some peace in this whole situation and can be a good and loving mom when the baby comes.

Dakota, Monk of Wild Parties,

I'm glad I found this post and responses. I just found out I'm pregnant two days ago, after the shock wore off I was left with a feeling of deep disappointment and anger. I've been with my husband ten years (five dating five married) when I told him he was very happy and immediately started talking about where we were going to live and how great it was going to be. While I was devastated. I just started a business that I love and I will have to give it up, it is very hands on and needs my full attention. When I went to the doctor she told me that I was just scared about the pregnancy/birth (not true at all) and that I will feel better later. She also said that she wasn't planning her pregnancy and it all worked out fine. While guess what? I"m not a doctor and I don't have the financial security a doctor does. She was so condescending and rude. When I told her I was thinking about terminating she continued to tell me to talk it over with my husband and they I may feel differently later. Maybe that is true, but her disimissiveness was still rude. I don't care if others think it is selfish of me I've worked really hard to build my career and I'm just starting to get somewhere with it and I don't want to give it up. I feel alone, out of control and frankly if I could get my husband on the same page I would have an abortion today. The only thing I feel bad about is how much this whole situation is hurting him. I love and care about him and I don't want him to hurt, but I just don't think I can parent/carry an unwanted child to please him. I'm also not someone who loves kids, I don't enjoy being around them I don't find them exciting and interesting. I don't hate them or get angry at people who bring kids to restaurants I'm just not a kid lover and never will be. I don't enjoy staying home all day and I would have to since we can't afford day care. I wish I could talk to someone besides my husband about this but I am simultaneously dreading telling others because they will be so excited and tell me how excited I should be when I actually feel awful and want to end it.

Andy, Ranger of Musclebeasts,

I am so glad that I found this posting and to know that I am not alone! I just recently found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant and completely devastated! My husband and I have been together 10 years and both agreed when we were married 4 years ago that we never wanted children. We have so much fun together and there is no void we need to fill with a child like so many married couples do. I was so relieved when he asked me what I wanted to do. I have an option?! My husband is wonderful and told me no matter what I wanted, that he was right be my side with the decision. I immediately made an appointment to have this pregnancy terminated. It is such a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders and I am just ready to have the procedure and put this mistake behind us so we can continue our wonderful, adventurous life with our two dogs! I hope that everyone else posting here can make it through the hard time they are experiencing and remember that it is your body so that means it is always YOUR choice!

Bowie, Servant of the Idealistic,

I was both shocked and relieved to read that you made an appointment to terminate. None of the other posts had mentioned actually doing it. I am 31 years old and about 5 weeks into my first pregnancy. It was not planned thought I always figured that if it happened anytime after 28 I would go through with it. I've literally been dreaming about being a mom since that age - I guess it was my "biological clock" - though I never thought I would make the conscious decision to do so. It would have to have been an accident.

Well, here I am and I am not excited about it. All I can think is what an inconvenience it will be. The father is totally supportive so he is not a factor in my bias, I just don't feel ready. Or happy. I recently graduated from nursing school and just started my first job as an RN. Training and adapting to a new schedule is going to be stressful enough, do I really want to deal with the changes to my body as well?? I don't want to gain weight, I don't want to be too tired to move, I don't want to give up caffeine or worry about medication. I want to travel and enjoy life and spend or save the money I've worked so hard to earn.

I consider my age the perfect age to have children. I've had some great life experience and I'm sure I'd be a great mom. I'd just rather do it in a few more years when I feel more established. I made an appointment to terminate on Tuesday. I'm nervous for how I'll feel the day of, but right now, I just want my life back.

Bowie, Servant of the Idealistic,

*I wrote the above post. So I am one day post abortion. I chose a medical abortion because it could be done sooner than a surgical one. I visited Planned Parenthood on Monday and was given "the abortion pill" which is mifepristone and stops the production of progesterone in the uterus. On Tuesday I took a nausea med at 1000, 800 mg of ibuprofen at 1030, and misoprostol at 1100. I gotta say, if you are planning to terminate, this should NOT be the way to go.

This was extremely painful. I mean borderline excruciating. By 1130 I started experiencing cramps similar to menstruation - pelvic pain, lower back pain, upper thigh pain - and so I took the max dose of the prescribed narcotic (Tylenol with Codeine #3). I consider myself someone who deals with pain well and maybe I requested the weak narcotic, but by 1330 I was writhing in inconsolable pain. Misoprostol is a drug used to induce uterine contractions so I assume I was experiencing labor pains. If the pain meds I was given did anything, then God grant sainthood to every woman that birthed a child without intervention 'cause that was incredibly painful.

The most severe portion lasted about 20-30 minutes. I felt incontinent of both bowel and bladder and spent a good portion of that time rocking myself and squeezing my abdomen on the toilet. The pain came in waves like contractions, only about 10-15 seconds apart but I was able to relax and prepare myself during those few seconds in between. They started and ended less intense than the worst of it. God bless my precious boyfriend for rubbing my back for about 4 hours straight. This helped as a distracter and confused the nerve pathways conducting pain.

After those intense 30 minutes the pain basically dissipated and I was able to take another dose of the narcotic. Because I was so early, I didn't bleed much. I woke up this morning feeling great - no nauseatingly harsh hunger pangs, no generalized exhaustion, my abdomen feels empty. I do have some slight cramping still and bleeding similar to a period. I don’t feel regretful or emotional about the process. It was something that needed to be done. I hope this helps anyone who is curious.

Peyton, Samurai of Light,
Thankyou sooo much, ladies.. for being honest about your feelings. It helps so freaking much to hear that other women are going through the same thing. here's hoping it gets better.. cause if it doesn't.. well... that would just suck. I'm currently 5 weeks and feel all of the worries, irritations, annoyances, fears, doubts and concerns that you all do. Glad I'm not alone. And all you nay-sayers, please don't judge. You have no right. You are not going through turmoil this and your comments are crude, narrowminded, and unwarrented.
Max, Wench of the craft table,

My first pregnancy was unplanned and this is exactly how I felt. My career was on track, I was going to finish my part time masters, after all that then I was supposed to get pregnant. Instead, I got pregnant before that and I was miserable. Theses feelings went away as the baby started to move inside me. Then it became more real, and I became even more happy. Looking back, the timing was perfect. Now, I'm pregnant again...unplanned yet again. Seriously, it only takes once! I'm feeling sad once again. Like the timing is not right. But when I reflect, I think what I am most upset about is the lack of control. Having kids is really all about giving up control. You can't always control when you get pregnant, how your child will be, or any other challenges that come your way. I guess thinking of this as the first step in dealing with new circumstances will prepare you for challenges to come. Right now let yourself be sad, but also let yourself be happy when the time comes. Because it will, at some point. For some its when they pee on the stick, for others it's when they feel the baby, or it may even be months after the baby is born. It will happen. Good luck.

Rebecca, Monk of the Forgotten Lands,

This made me feel better. Best response

Dana, Paladin of the Lonely,

I am so glad that I found this blog - I just found out that I was pregnant last week and I was/am devastated. My husband and I have been together for 9 years but only married for 6 months. What makes it worse it that he is so excited - he has wanted a baby for so long and I feel like a terrible person that I don't want one. He knew this when we got married and said I was more important and whatever happened happened.
When we got the results he was smiling from ear to ear and I burst into tears, sobbing because I was so upset. We were careful and this was the last thing I expected to happen. I keep asking myself, over and over, "am I a bad person that I don't want this baby?" I feel so scared and selfish and I, too, keep hoping I might miscarry. I feel like an evil person just saying that, but I am not ready for this baby - I have career and life plans that I don't want to put on hold. I want to enjoy being married without having to worry about taking care of a kid. I want to sleep in and go on vacation whenever we want. I am stressed about money and finances because we just bought a house and are just making it each month. I even told my husband I wasn't ready for a dog because I didn't want that type of commitment. I don't know how I am going to handle a child. I am so upset I feel like my life is over. I just hope things get better because there is nothing I can do to change my situation. It was good to know that there are other women out there who are going through the same thing. Did anyone in the earlier posts have a happy ending?

Dakota, Engineer of the Homeless,

Wow. Almost every woman on here took the words right out of my mouth. I'm 3 months and miserable. My husband is ecstatic and is very upset that I'm not. I have a 16 yr old I had when I was very young, and wouldn't change that for anything, but I didn't want anymore kids. I finally have my life back and now it's all being taken away! It was so comforting to read these posts. I've had an abortion before and it was an awful experience so opted not to do it this time and I'm really regretting it. We haven't told our families yet and I'm absolutely dreading it, all the excitement and happiness, fuck off. Not to mention I can't stand my MIL. Just know you are not alone and these feelings are completely normal. I am curious, have you had the baby yet, and how do you feel now? Is there hope for the rest of us? Good luck.

Bobbie, Chef of the Satisfied,

I have been googling for weeks to find a site like this to find out that I am not alone with these feelings. I am in the same vote as many here, friends can't talk too because they kids and keep saying you'll get over it. My husband doesn't understand, he can't wait to have a baby. I don't like kids I tolerate them, I have a great career and don't want to put it on hold. Maybe I am selfish but like many have said its the way I feel, and I am entitled to that. I too have dreamt about having a miscarriage, and have prayed I would. And the MIL oh yeah she is going to put me over the edge. Not sure how to get threw this, I cry a lot, I feel like I have no one to talk too. So for everyone out there who have wrote something here, thank you, it is comforting to know I am not alone!

Ash, Funeral Director of the Hungry,

your situation is exactly what I'm afraid of if it turns out I'm pregnant! I have all the textbook symptoms.. Nausea pretty well all day, sore boobs, dark area around the nipples, breakouts... Ugh I pray that I'm wrong but I know my body and something is up. I think it's too early to take a test.. My husband and I 100% agreed that we didn't want children, and we used protection.. But the damn condom slipped off at the worst possible time.. And I so wish I could go back and take plan B, but at the time it was only 2 days after my period ended and I thought, what are the odds?... Anyway I am mortified at the thought of having a baby.. I don't HATE kids but I can only take them in small doses. The situation with your MIL is exactly what would happen to me.. I fact ever since I married my husband she has been not so suddley hinting that she wants a grandchild every time we speak. Maybie the worst part for me is that I have major modesty/privacy issues.. In fact my husband is the only person to see me naked since I was old enough to take a bath on my own. I have never had a Pap, or a pelvic exam. When I had a physical last year I lied and said I had my period to avoid it. The thought of giving birth litteraly makes me think "I'd rather die". I really don't care if anyone thinks it's selfish.. It's how I feel and even though the idea of having an abortion is not a happy thought.. Its the only one that dosn't make me feel suicidal.. Just needed to get that out and say your not alone.. Feel the way you feel and don't let anyone tell you it's not ok or you are unwell. It's rational

Stevie, Accountant of Arts and Crafts,
I think that you should pray to God that he will change your mind about having a child. I think that is your best option. Or just give the child up for adoption, but please, do not kill the baby. You should tell your fiance how you feel and maybe he can help you as well. But remember, if God brought you to it, he'll bring you through it. Btw, there are plenty of people in this world willing to adopt children and raise them in a nice, loving home. So remember that.
Charlie, Administrator of the Wicked,

waw WAWWWWW you sound extremely hateful and SELFISH!!!! WISH YOU THE VERY BEST

Shiki, Security Guard of Time,

Wow, I think you sound hateful.

Ash, Curator of Musclebeasts,

It is such a relief to come across so many women going through the same thing as me. I found out more than a month ago that I was expecting and am currently 10 weeks along. I was told by my doctors that the kind of medical condition I have will make it difficult for me to conceive so I thought I'm not going to get pregnant early. But it happened!!! I've gone through more than a month of horrible nausea and the bodily changes that go along with it. The worst is that everyone around me is super excited and I'm the only one who's not. I get told time and time again that I should go down on my knees and thank god that I got pregnant without treatment as it is difficult for someone like me to conceive so quickly. My MIL is already planning to come and live with us to help with the baby. That really makes me want to kill myself. I'm just dreading what lies ahead of me. What scares me most is that will I ever be able to live a regret free life.

Bobbie, Merchant of the Financial Services department,

Before last Saturday, I would have read your blog with judgment and completely not understood how anyone could not be happy about a baby. After years of infertility treatment, we finally have the most amazing 9mth old son. Our lives are perfect. I'm getting my body back. My pre-pregnant clothes are fitting again. The sex life is back to normal and the kid is finally sleeping! Finishing my PhD and life is GREAT!!! Then..... found out I was pregnant last Saturday. I have literally cried ever since. I know I should be thrilled but I'm not. I feel guilty for feeling that way. I'm scared of the changes. And, frankly, thinking about having to make it through another pregnancy and all of the newborn sleeplessness just makes me incredibly tired. Hoping we both find that joy!

Adrian, Templar of the Wicked,
I was looking to see if someone else felt the same as me and there is! Here is the ironic part is that we both wanted children for a very long time and even did some fertility treatments a few years ago before I lost my job. I have recently found a new job that I love and time with my husband has been better than it ever has been. I finally resigned to the fact that we will never have children and realized I liked it that way. We are both in our early 40's and finally financially stable. We enjoy traveling and doing whatever and whenever. Anyway, I am 6 wks pregnant and terrified. When I tell that to people everyone thinks I am terrified at childbirth and say its normal. No, I mean I am terrified of my life changing and the things that I have to give up. My husband is thrilled to pieces. I just had an Ultrasound and they weren't able to see anything but the sac which worried me at first but now is it awful to hope that it is a bad pregnancy that will miscarry on its own? I am still waiting the results of my blood test to know for sure. Then I think that I dont want to be an old parent. Heck, I have refrained from getting a dog because I cannot commit to that kind of responsibility so how am I going to have a kid???
Ari, Fashion Model of Generosity,

I read your post and had to respond. It amazes me how much my situation is the same as yours and my feelings almost identical. I am also 40 years old and had tried for three years to get pregnant, with 3 miscarriages. This past summer I came to a happy realization. That after all the trying and all the losses, I was happy with my life the way it was. I didn't want it to change. I love my partner so much and we were planning a fun, exciting, beautiful life together. Then my period was late. How ironic that all those years of actively trying we had nothing but loss. And once I stopped wanting it and realized my life was better off, it happens. I was so angry. I don't want to give up my life. I have so much freedom, free time, and opportunity to do and go wherever I want. It feels wonderful. And now to know that I could lose all of it. It's a major regret. And I do wonder if by some miracle you check this board again, if you could let me know what happened and what you decided to do. Thank you!

Harper, CTO of the Idealistic,

My story mirrors yours almost exactly. To cut a long story short, we kind of tried for 2 years after 2 MCs, and just as we had discussed that we would be happy with a child free existence (that I was never that keen on anyway), boom. I'm now almost 16 weeks, and every time we have a scan there is a part of me hoping for "bad" news. I have told my husband how I feel, but I have had to stop doing that, as it's stressing him out and making him miserable. So I literally have nobody to talk to about this now. On the surface I seem fine, although I have to take anti-depressants. I have had massive panic attacks about the thought of having a child, the freedom I am losing, the disgustingness coming up with breastfeeding (which creeps me out, but I definitely want to lose the horrid horrid baby fat), nappies (I feel sick just thinking about it), the sick (makes me sick, lol), the mind-numbing boredom of having a newborn, and the mind-numbing boredom of looking after a kid I can't hand back because I am the parent. I just want this whole thing to go away. Today, my pregnancy symptoms have really dialled down, and I'm secretly hoping that I've had a MC. To top it all off, we have both just come off a career break, so I have no job, and zero prospect of being hired now. I'd be really interested to hear from those who felt like this and who went ahead ... I'm also bored of being told I will feel different when the parasite is ejected. I have a real and genuine fear that I'm going to hate this kid.

Harper, Sommelier of Generosity,

It's incredible to read all these posts. I am 40 years old, thought I wanted to have a baby, got pregnant the instant I started trying and am now just feeling terrified, anxious and depressed. Only when it became a reality did it strike me that this is not something I feel I want. I too fantasize about miscarrying and I feel like a terrible person for that. I don't know how to get myself out of this awful headspace. I am trying to work myself through it so I can start to view it as a positive but I'm finding it very hard. I didn't know so many other women felt this way though, and there is comfort in that.

Dana, Hero of the Hungry,
I could almost have written your post. I am 5 weeks and this was planned, I guess. I thought I wanted it and as soon as it happened I freaked. I am in a constant state of panic. My other kids are in school and now I have to start all over again? I want to miscarry and also dream about it. I hope every time I go to the bathroom I will be bleeding. I also think about terminating without anyone knowing. That isn't even an option but I research abortion and miscarriage on the computer and it makes me feel better. I am just trying to find similar posts to this to read and make me feel less awful. I want to be happy but I cannot. I keep reading that it will get better. Running away would be good. I've let my husband down and myself down and cannot stand myself. I just keep hoping it will get better. I will accept it and in time find joy. I don't really enjoy other people's kids, but I love my others more than anything. I hope you can find peace one way or another.
Dakota, Manager of Time,

Just came across this thread and was relieved to read these posts. I already have 4 children and thought I was done but my husband and I divorced and I've been with many boyfriend for a almost 3 years now and just recently discovered I'm expecting. Unexpected and unplanned. I'm not feeling happy or excited like I did with my other children but he is. I'm so lost.

Reggie, Rockstar of the Unimaginable Terror,

How do i get a hold of you preg ladies who r not excited about expecting. Im in the same boat... Going on 6 weeks, and i want to cry!!!

Dana, Gunner of Musclebeasts,

I feel the same. Reading through all these posts makes me feel better that I'm not alone, but at the same time it makes it even more depressing seeing all my feelings written out. I just found out that I'm about 4-5 weeks a long and although my husband is happy, all I want to do is go buy a bottle of alcohol, a pack of cigarettes, drink coffee all day long, and basically do everything you're not supposed to do. The only thing that stops me is that there is no guarantee it would induce an abortion and the only thing that makes me more miserable than the thought of a baby is the thought of a baby with problems with would really ruin the rest of my life. I don't know. I feel like these thoughts are awful but all I can think about this point is hopefully since it's so early on it won't stick.

Reggie, Monk of the Hungry,

I can believe how many people feel the same way I do. 9 weeks pregnant, I have a 7 year old and a 10 year old and my boyfriend is it total ecstasy thinking about having a baby. I am miserable and last night flipped out about how it was going to ruin my life! Ugh. I'm unhappy, not excited and really am hoping it's some kind of phase. The support on here is amazing. I wish you luck..and I hope whatever the decision is you made is making you a bit happier:)

Ari, Funeral Director of the Wicked,

I'm right there with you. I found out I Was pregnant yesterday. I'm not happy about it. I've been diagnosed with pcos and we haven't used protection let's say 5 years (been married 7) ... Doctors told me I couldn't get pregnant due to this and I would need treatment to get pregnant. Anyways I forgot about it all continued going to school, and preparing myself for med school. Now I'm pregnant! And I feel like it will halt all my plans (med school, vacations etc) .. My husband is ecstatic ... I'm not. I try to hide it and I smile but deep down I feel my life is over.. (I'm 27) . I recently lost weight , I was looking good and now all I can think about is stretch marks and looking disgusting ... I know it sounds selfish but is the truth... I'm sad I feel hopeless...

Charlie, Barbarian of the Rich,

I'm 27 too and just found out yesterday I'm pregnant. However, me and my boyfriend have only discussed marriage so far and now .... I don't get to have what I wanted in life. I was told by my doctor the same thing and now I want to go strangle him. I don't want this, My boyfriend is going to be ecstatic, but me I wish I could wake up and it really just be a bad dream. I know how you felt, I'm going through the same thing now.

Harper, Consultant of the Financial Services department,

I have the same feeling now and am happy that someone else did, I know it's a long time later but honestly this is the first time I've been pregnant and I don't want it, some days I'm fine and relax and don't think about it, but everyone is telling me I should be happy and it pisses me off because I'm not, the more people make me feel wrong about my anxiety and thoughts the more I feel like I'm not ready and maybe I shouldn't try and fight through this...these posts (most of them ) on this page are comforting me knowing that I'm not alone... Thank you

Rebecca, Fashion Designer of the Unimaginable Terror,

I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant with my 3rd child. my 2 eldest girls have the same father but this babies father is a guy I saw briefly until I found out he is a complete nutcase!! I am devastated about the pregnancy as I DEFINATELY did NOT want any more children, was a week away from going into army training and feel as though it's not fair on my girls for me to have another baby.

I don't know yet how far gone I am but by my calculations it's too late for me to have an abortion and I don't think I could adopt the baby out.

I'm barely capable of caring for my 3 and 1 1/2 year old daughters on my own as it is, how in HELL'S name am I supposed to be able to care for another child. I feel NO connection to this child, can't stand it's father (and for the good of the baby, myself and my girls I won't be telling him I'm pregnant) and feel guilty as hell that I won't be able to give my girls all the one on one time that they need. I don't want another child!! Another child ruins EVERYTHING.

This sucks Aussie Chick

Kadnyce, Clerk of Time,

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and haven't told anyone but my husband. I'm 32 and this would be my first. I am so confused, sad, angry & kind of disappointed. He's ecstatic! His support is comforting but his excitement makes me feel a bit guilty. For the last year and a half I didn't even think I could have kids. Now, I'm faced with scrapping all my scheduled vacations and plans for my Masters and PhD, to stretch my body out of sorts and be essentially handicapped for almost the next year. I just don't feel ready to give up my life. The thought of delivery is terrifying! Being responsible for another person is more than I can handle right now.

Alton, Sniper of Light,

I am 33 and just found out I am about 5 weeks pregnant. I am not happy. I love children don't get me wrong, when my friends have babies I'm first in line to hold them and love on them, but I love it even more when they go home. I just have never been one of those women who wanted children of my own. I love being able to come home from work and literally do nothing, order in take out and watch some tv with the hubby. A couple of months ago I was faced with some health issues that would warrant a hysterectomy in the next year or so. I freaked out because I wasn't ready for the finality of things, even though I did not want children. Now 2 weeks from a diagnostic biopsy I find out that I am pregnant. (No I don't think this was "meant to be" I think it was an oops due to screwing up my birth control, which I have been on for MANY years) I keep looking at all my friends and family members and seeing them so happy and excited and joyous over their children and their pregnancies. I don't get it, I don't feel it. And I keep asking myself why am I not feeling happy and excited and joyous in planning for a baby. I just feel like my reaction isn't normal, and I am googling ways to naturally induce a miscarriage and abortion options (which in the area I live in are not close by or easily accessed). I feel like I'm completely heartless, but I'm being honest, and that's the only thing I know to be. My husband is scared to death and in panic mode about this pregnancy, so talking to him isn't helping any. I have always been pro-choice, and yes I'm religious too but what is right may not be right for another. I just wish I knew why I feel the way I do. I look around at all these people around me who have children, it seems everyone does, so obviously a lot of people do it. I feel like I'm defective or there's something wrong with me because I don't care that I'm pregnant and I'm totally ok with terminating it.

Samantha, Devourer of Imagination,

I am feeling identical to you and in the same situation. How did this turn out for you? What did you do?

Dana, Druid of the IT department,

I am in your situation now. How did it turn out for you? Did you finally enjoy your pregnancy and eventual baby?

Blaine, Monk of Space,

It's almost been a year. I feel your pain. Can you tell us what happened and how you feel? I could really use the insight.

Stevie, Tour Guide of the Hungry,

I am in the same boat, 5 weeks and it was not planned at all and i am devastated. My husband and i love each other and have talked about wanting a raise a family but not until we are ready, and I DO NOT feel ready. In fact, my plan was to try in a couple years and if i am too old and still want kids we can adopt. I also fantasize about a miscarriage and have been looking into the abortion pill. We are so not sure if this is what we want right now, or maybe ever. I am terrified of losing my freedom and ability to live MY own life the way i want to. I am not a kid person and think animals are much cuter than babies, maybe that makes me abnormal but it is what it is. I don't feel sick but i can't think of one thing that will make me happy right now besides a miscarriage. These posts are from awhile ago and i am wondering how people ended up dealing with their feelings/situation?

Aubrey, Illusionist of Generosity,

I am right behind you sister. I must only be a few weeks behind you given the date of your post. I'm so angry, frustrated, irritated, scared. Any negative feeling that can be associated with pregnancy or life in general is what I'm feeling. I come from a very religious family and today I was voicing my upsets with my mother. Instead of trying to support me in my fears. She continued to tell me how I should and will feel. It made me so angry, I told her she had a jaded opinion since she's "grandma." She replied by telling me that my "baby can sense my resentment already and I will mess the kid up." C'mon, I'm only 6 weeks. The blog barely has a spine! I responded to my mother about my opinions for when a "baby is truly a baby" and that I'm pro-choice. You would have thought I told her I murdered my siblings. Maybe still she would have loved me more. She stopped speaking to me only to sic my father on me who wrote me emails about how disappointed and embarrassed he is of me. The email was so cruel. I have decided to cut my parents out of this whole experience because they can't respect me as an adult with my opinions on this. My mother -in-law is irritating the shit out of me. Sending my husband emails behind my back about how she is telling everyone after we asked her not to and trying to give me advice on how to carry a baby. Needless to say, I wrote her an email this morning telling her to butt out. Finally, my husband has apparently been saying shit about me behind my back to other people about how I'm giving him hell and I'm crazy. I feel so disrespected. By everyone. I feel like the whole world is against me. I do not want this baby. I've never wanted to have kids and be a mother. I told my husband this long before we were married and my thoughts have not changed. I too, dream of miscarriages. Everytime I go to the bathroom, I pray there is blood and it's all over. I've debated sneaking off to have an abortion done but not sure how I'd pull it off since I live in the middle of nowhere and the nearest place is two hours away. I really could care less if people think I'm a terrible person for feeling this way. I think people are terrible for forcing their opinions down my throat. Understand you're not alone. I'm happy to see I'm not the only one who feels this way.

Harper, Gunner of Generosity,
I really hope it gets better too. Some of the physical symptoms are starting to subside, but a lot of the psychological ones remain. I know that sneaking an abortion is not feasible, but it does make me feel better to pretend another option is out there. When I first wrote my initial post, I mentioned things like not being able to go on a ski trip, go to Europe...but in all honesty it's a lot deeper than missing out on material things or vacations. I feel like I've been stripped of my freedom; I hate pro-lifers now more than ever, I hate people who write their occupation on facebook as "full time mommy." Last night I had a dream I was was not pregnant and working at an insurance company. It was the best dream I've had in weeks. I haven't even bought one baby thing yet. I'd rather think of going back to school for a law degree or finding a full time position with a reputable company. I don't want to be a full time mother and I truly could care less if this horrifies all the mommies that another woman could think like this. I think it's completely acceptable to be upset about a pregnancy. I hope you feel better as you progress with this also. I know how you feel though.
Ari, Host of Arts and Crafts,

Sadly, I feel the exact same way. My situation and feelings are very similar. I feel bad for feeling this way, but I want "my life" instead of a "baby's life." Please don't judge me. It's just how I feel. I can't get excited at all. I'm sad.

Ari, Garçon of Time,

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. I've been feeling completely horrible about myself for the way I've been feeling. I got pregnant on purpose but I feel like I'm in prison with no one to talk to. I wish I could get excited about being pregnant but I just can't. I thought I was the only woman to ever feel this way.

Adrian, Fashion Model of Imagination,

I feel the same way, you are not alone

Charlie, CTO of Generosity,

I totally understand where you ladies are coming from I am pregnant as well and I am not happy about it. I have been married for 2 years now I have one biological child she will be 14 and my husbnad has 3 from a previous relationship...a family with 5 kids was NOT what I wanted I never wanted more than 2 kids so when he had his 3 and my one I was already done! Not to mention we are about to embark on a custody battle with his ex wife who is a bit crazy and the kids have really suffered at her hands so when we do get them they will need counseling and I am feeling like we shouldn't be bringing another baby into this situation. I'm feeling depressed, unhappy, selfish, just nothing good about it. For the women who have been trying to have children and have been having a hard time good luck to you I definitely love the one I have...just don't want anymore

Charlie, Scout of the Poor,
Wow wow and wow. It is so nice to see this actually written down and by someone other than myself. After having the 99.9% Mirena IUD put in last March I thought fantastic I don't have to worry for the first time ever about getting pregnant. It would seem however that I have some sort of superhero womb because a month ago I finally went to the doctor concerned that I might have an ectopic pregnancy or was critically ill and I find out that no it's neither, I was told I was 6 months pregnant. I only recently moved back to America (I am from NY) in order to be with my 'first love' and this was not part of the plan. I am 41 and spent my entire life KNOWING I did not want to have children. I know what you mean about going back to school as I was planning on doing a Phd. but now that seems like that will never even be possible. It's like the rest of the world decides for you now that you are having a baby - and have no say in it - that you now are relegated to a supporting role in your own life movie. I didn't want this plan this or need this and no it is not that I deluded myself my entire life that I did, I truly wanted MY life to be MINE. No one seems to get it and hearing, "oh you'll feel different when she is born" does not help and feels hugely patronizing. It's like as a woman you couldn't possibly not be happy about this. Personally I am dreading a baby shower everyone else is excited about and have to hold back the tears at every doctor visit, and no it is not just my hormones, it's ME for god's sake! I know how you feel and yes I have ALWAYS been pro-choice and the ANTI CHOICE people do my head in even more now. I mean it's me who has to do this not you. I really feel for you because I have no idea how to stop this feeling and don't have confidence it will stop.
Shiki, Necromancer of Light,
I completely understand what you mean by "patronizing." Other women assume that something must be wrong with you if you don't have baby fever or jump around with joy because you're expecting. We are forced to feign excitement in today's society because after all, "it's a blessing." I think my mother-in-law is the worst with this; I'm so sick of the words "blessing" and "miracle." IT NOT A MIRACLE--because a miracle is a rarity and let's face it, babies are born everyday. If anything, there's a surplus of them...which brings me to another point. I am so sick of these women who cry because we don't understand how lucky we are to have a baby and they can never have one of their own. Something must be severely wrong with us to not be grateful for God's greatest gift, right? Then my response is to ADOPT! Are you that vain, that the baby must inherit a portion of your DNA to be worthy of your motherhood? There are million of unwanted children lost in the system that need parents. If you can't adopt, then foster. In the meantime, leave the rest of us alone. We have a right to feel how we want to feel about our pregnancy and we have a right to do what we want with are bodies.
Taylor, Samurai of the Unimaginable Terror,
I am sorry you are having trouble with this, but coming from someone who wants nothing more in this world than to be a mother, it saddens me that you feel this way. I have tried for 4 years with no luck and doctors tell me nothing is wrong with me so IDK what is wrong. I am crying right now because I see it all the time, women who don't want children and have them, when there are women like me who would give anything to have a child and can't. My only advice is if you don't want a child tell your husband you are not ready. Really do some soul searching and if you don't want this DO NOT have an abortion! Give the baby up for adoption. There are plenty of good people who will raise it. I hope you figure it out
Stevie, Herald of the Hungry,

Honestly shut up if you wish u could have a baby go somewhere else and talk about it not here clearly the question was not for you so why open ur sick ass mouth. From pregnant lady who is not happy about it either.

Andy, Garçon of Good,

Please don't tell other people to put babies up for adoption, claiming they will have a great life, unless you yourself are going to be the one adopting. You can't guarantee it. You talk about "all those women who have no kids, who will adopt the baby", well, you've been trying to conceive for 4 years, with no success, are you going to adopt?

Bobbie, Warlord of the Financial Services department,

You are the reason woman feel they can't be honest about their feelings and end up hiding them and then falling into deep depression. Not everyone feels the way you do and your statement was just plain rude.

Taylor, Engineer of the Unimaginable Terror,

all of yall are just plain fucking stupid. dear good god, shut the fuck up! everyone is so worried about hurting someones feelings its ridiculous! that is what is wrong with America these days!!

Josh, Assassin of the craft table,

This has nothing to do with hurting feelings and what's wrong with America. Firstly, this woman has many hormones rushing through her body. This is a medical condition. Clearly you have no medical expertise or even a shred of help for your fellow human so shut the fuck up and go judge yourself!

Bowie, Superintendent of the Hungry,

I feel what's wrong with America is not enough ppl think about others. They mostly think about themselves and don't give 2 shits about the next guy. If ppl cared a little more about each other and about the world, it would probably be a much nicer place to live rather than an angry place. You can be honest and still be nice.

Max, Templar of Space,

I recently found this blog....and feel so much like most you. I am currently pregnant with my 4th child, one that is (technically) and adult and two under the age of 5. I thought I was done! Looking forward to the next faze of my life (I'm also over 40) , finally not changing diapers and having some time to myself because the kids were in school. when I found out I was pregnant again, I was beyond devastated! I too wished that I would miscarry and thought of having an abortion. 8 months later and I still go thru very sad and dark times. NO ONE understands how you feel and It can be very depressing keeping your feelings in. But I know it will get better.....bc I had these exact same feelings during my last pregnancy and now cant imagine life without my daughter. I'm assuming many of the previous people that posted on here also realize that life goes on and being a mom isn't a death sentence bc they haven't returned to tell us how awful their lives are since having their baby. There is nothing wrong with the way that any of you feel because your life will definitely change! But having a baby is not the end of the world ...just a different type of world.

Dana, Druid of Evil,
Thank you. It was great to see someone with my same situation. I don't feel like such a bad person now.
Dakota, Architect of the Rich,

It's not just women like her however. My fiance have been together for twelve years. an ttc for 7, we had resigned ourselves to having "fur-babies". but I just learned that I finally have a normal pregnant and all those hopes and dreams of being a mother were shattered and replacesd with fear and resentment , regret an I dont know how to deal with this . I myself have hoped for another miscarrage. The thought of abortion has popped into my head but i couldnt do it. my fiance is so excited and protective but all i want to do is cry and go back to my life as it was. i know pregnancy is only nine months but a child is forever and the more i think about it the less confident and sad i get. People tell you that you thought and sense of self will change but for me it has only gotten worse. An I feel horrible about that , that we've tried for so many years and when it finally happens ive become devastated.... any help is appreciated but my point was please dont accuse women of not caring i felt very similar until i conceived . with the whole of my being wanted a child until i saw the positive.

Ash, Developer of Darkness,

It's people like you who make it so hard for any woman out there who dares to feel different. Ok you deserve empathy, so frigging what? How is that your right to go tell people oh since I can't get pregnant you people who can and don't like it devastate me? Are you her? Is your struggle her struggle? How about allowing others to feel how they feel and respect that she is a different person from you?

Stevie, Shepherd of the Satisfied,

Wow that really helps with her guilt. Good job.

Yoko, Hostess of Justice,

Yeah really! Wonder how it turned out.