i have friends. i have plenty of them. my parents are still married and love each other and me. my brother is amazing and has his life together. everyone i know supports me. no one really hates me and if they do i know how to deal with them and its not that big of a deal. I HAVE AN ABOVE AVERAGE LIFE...but im kind of suicidal. all my friends have better friends or something. me and my best friend miranda had this tradition that nothing could break, every friday we'd go play pool, even though we arent that good. well everysince she got engaged to her boyfriend (shes 15 hes almost 18) thats all she does is hang out with him. hes living with two other really good friends of mine, justin and amanda. theyre married, so shes always over there. where am i? at home. we have plans to go to college together! i mean, we're soooo tight!! i make her laugh and she's never not been there for me. we love eachother. but its friday. its the 6th friday in a row that we havent got out to play pool. because her boyfriend and his roommates are broke. i call her. everyday. and what is she doing? just sitting there with her boyfriend. just at walmart with her boyfriend. just watching tv with her boyfriend. THAT USED TO BE ME!!! hes not even good for her. he never sticks to anything he says and he doesnt let her go out because he gets mad when another guy looks at her. he doesnt like any of her friends and hes got no career ahead of him! SHE USED TO CALL ME. she never does. i always call. if i dont, i dont talk to her for as long as i keep my phone away from my face. RIGHT NOW I DONT CARE WHO IT IS!! IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!! she doesnt know what she does to me. her boyfriend is jealous enough. she doesnt need to know i am. theyre probably having sex right now. fuck her. fuck him. fuck me. --just_another_someone12
Hi (won't write your name here) please try to understand I just can't do it anymore - I haven't seen my sister for more then two months and heard nothing dirfectly from her, who is very important for me havn't seen people whom would like to see again very much I miss so much last week I had flue, now is ok and work but just can't - so lonely and just no sence, I don't need just money or something else for job, it is more - the team and people, just feel lost as I see not a lot in coomon with whom working now (they are very good) but can't forget years of work and still remember and want get back it meant so much for me, so significant part of life, and nothing can fill it yet nothing is better and hardly can be as good relations with the sister and old friends i just feel that something - everything!!! - is wrong, everything stopped - maybe only for me - don't know do you want to hear it more but sometimes just very very hard - because I don't what to do - can change a job or get accuantated with new someone else but can't do anything with missing that ones whom know for a very long time and who means inconceivably a lot for me, just to be myself and feel happy I can't just throw away all memories and forget part of life honestly - i am crying writing this, can't sleep and can't do anything else now and if want to know I miss you too for me job there meant doing interesting creative things (without what just life is not interesting and full enough) + people who are great and whom I love, who can understand me and know me for a long time, who shares interests, whom can trust while around so lot of interesting and new things - I need so much to save that good what was before I want to go to see my sister tomorrow all this makes me suffering while I can't do anything, share what I feel about it - show I am absolutely able to do something good to and for people whom I wrote about this is what I think and feel and wish to change it very much and be happy and with what I am striving already for months maybe if you tried imaging no communication with your brothers or sisters you could have an impression I am not taking any drugs apart from flue, no alcohol, just feel very sad as I wished to change what is now and to be differently all this is like a bleeding wound which stops bleeding for sometime but keeps continueing later and it hurts me.
When her partner's medical condition got worse and worse and while she was in hospital undergoing life-saving surgery Pauline C maxed out her partners credit cards. Because she was saved from the jaws of death this all finally came to light, but the boys in blue say although there is a crime the victim is not fit enough to stand up in court, so the CPS will throw it out. that PC person where she has run to will get away with it and then do it to some one else, she has done it before to a person she lived with in Belfast, she boasted about it. The victim of this henous act is now for the first time in her life with bad credit and will have to be bankrupted. the evidence is their to link her with fraud and with serial non paying of her debts. how do we make her pay for what she has inflicted on some helpless
*** EDITED BY ADMINISTRATOR TO REDACT PERSONAL INFORMATION ***
past 2-3 weeks been a bitch.extra depressed,nervous, moody as hell.an old friend from school died almost 2 weeks ago.seem's to have killed herself.it's got me even more gloomy.i cut my arm 1st time in 3 mnths. last week.i needed and had to have some sorta instant relief,even if only for 2 fuckin minutes.people close to me don't get it to how much this friends death has got me more upset.maybe i should just 'get over it'.hell i'm already the worse whiney ass fuckin crybaby.i hate being sop damn sensitive.anyone reads this,yeah it's just another fuckin self pity rant.seeing someone tomorrow( i hope.)that i can dump on....yeah my T.but i'll probley get all nervous n shit and won't get a damn thing out.and all i want to do is spill my guts out and get all this bs outta me.even that seems hopeless.because i'm such scared,weak whimp.
i'm afraid my husband is falling out of love with me. my voiced concerns are met with exasperated sighs, slamming doors and walking away. he rarely responds to them unless prompted and even then doesn't typically say anything besides "i don't know" or "i'm not sure". most days feel like we're strangers cohabitating. he can't think of anything he wants to do and turns down any offers i make for hanging out. we haven't even been married a year. i don't know what to do.
i've reached it, my relationship peak. Yes, the part that turns every relationship into your worst nightmare. Everything he does, says, or doesnt do or say, just makes you so mad. I dont know what to do, i love him, but things are fadding, ive tried to talk to him and he just doesnt get what im saying, how do you say in words, hi love me? but not be a needy bitch , how do you tell a man that hes not the man you fell in love with ... how do you even talk to men to begin with
How do you tell you best friend, someone who has been by your side since 1st grade, that she is acting like a whore!? H, as I will call her, never,NEVER, used to be that way. She totally got fucked up when she dated asshole #1. She was young, he was controlling. All they did was fight and fuck. She and he broke up and she's just been on a slut streak! Last week she told me she was driving to App State to hook up with this guy she hadn't seen in two years! That is like a 2 1/2 hour drive by the way! Not to mention when she made the mistake of sleeping with that guy in the first place he gave her an STD!!! Is that not gross? Who does something like that? Is it that good that you want to go get the pussy rot, AGAIN!?
So I met this guy and he seemed awesome. Prettymuch perfect, good job, nice car, good looks, took care of himself, loved the same kind of music, etc. We "hooked up" the first night we met and it was the best sex I've ever had. So it just seemed soo perfect that I got these huge stars in my eyes and was totally blinded!! We had a couple more dates and such and I realized he was not really emotionally there. Very distant and such and I took it as him being disinterested, so i let him know that I felt we wouldn't work out as a relationship. I lied and said I didn't want a relationship right now so I wouldn't seem like a bitch. But that's exactly what I want, I think. Anyways, eventually we agreed to become friends with benefits because I think we both know that sex like that does not come often. I've never done the whole "friends with benefits" thing so I hope I can do it without becoming emotionally attached. I still wonder if I do go through with it, will i be hurting myself by being with someone that I once thought would be so great or is it okay to have healthy dreams knowing the circumstances?
I am beautiful, smart and confident. I can hold a conversation, i believe in things, i have standards, i pay attention and care about what is going on in the world. I have had one serious relationship. I'm pretty confident he never loved me, just the idea and misconception that he had in his head of me. I'm begining to think i am going to be alone forever. I love me, I think I am great, I just don't know why I haven't found anyone else that feels the same way about me.
I swear, every single person I know is getting engaged. i think i'm going to throw up the next time i see someone engaged on facebook. these girls have been dating their boyfriends for like 3 months and are getting married. how do these guys afford these insanely beautiful engagement rings? i don't get it. i wish i were engaged. my boyfriend couldn't afford a crackerjack ring. i just hate my situation. i live at home with my parents, i'm not in grad school, no plans to get married or own a house. i feel so stuck like i'm going nowhere. i have nothing to look forward to. i stay at my boyfriend's all the time because it's freaking cold at my parents' house but i hate that too because it's not my home. i don't belong there. i can't even go to home places like pier 1 without getting upset because i want to buy things but i have nowhere to put them. i feel l ike if i moved in with my boyfriend he'd never ask me to marry him, i'd just be his roommate. i should probably go to grad school but i don't feel like it. i never have any energy. i hate working and hate responsibility and dealing with insurance companies. why am i wishing my weeks away for the weekend? all i do is sit around and watch tv and do nothing. i need to move out of this city. it's too cold and nothing ever happens here.
So how do these things work? Does the site remember your IP address?
things to tell Jess 2 i was saving this bottle of chianti for you - but i am trading it to Miss K. for a 20 bag of weed tonight - i really just wanna get high and try to forget my current worries....its night 1 of not talking to you at all...and i already am afraid that you won't really miss me very much and your love will fade quickly....i can get another bottle of wine from work at any time..just lemme know if you want it... wow i needed that! i'm not a pothead - you do know that right?? it can just really help clear your mind sometimes...and times like this...stressful times, the bad stress or the good stress or the both of them combined like today...the you thing, the dad thing, the school thing, the whole quarter life crisis thing...i had it one year late! i was always sort of a late bloomer...i was the last one of my friends to get hair on his armpits....but you know what i mean right? the whole like "what the hell am i doing with my life right now...?" sort of self realization....i have kind of been in that funk for a few weeks now...but i'm out there smoking a cigarette with the kitty (who i put a hilarious chicken hat on and took some pictures...remind me to show you those)...k, i degressed and i started thinking about and whether or not you think this letter-like-thing is really stupid...but i'm just going to be as unselfconscious as i can possibly be about everything...k so anyways, i was out there smoking a cigarette (ha again, I am definitely going to quit...take the chantix and quit..its worked for everybody i know..but i really need the nicotine right now until i get out of this shitty state of mind i've been in lately) and i was just out there by myself and kind of just talking to myself in my head and..i don't know if it was a revelation or not, but i think being some sort of doctor would be pretty awesome, i thought about it and i saw myself being so happy at the end of the day knowing that i helped someone today in a huge way, or I saved someones life today...how fucking awesome would that be?!?! god! so i'm gonna look it up online for a bit and see what kind of things I could actually do...ha, i just now finally looked down at my hands and they looked so far away..MARIJUANA! k so i got a little distracted by some bad comedian on comedy central...but i did look up a bit of the whole doctor thing...thats a lot more school...psychiatrist of some sorts would still require a lot more classes...goddamn this fucking comedian right now..."YOU GOTTA GET TO KNOW SOMEONE BEFORE YOU GET IN LOVE....." that's what he said!! hahaha...... read through the last long email you sent me earlier today...you're a really good writer!! i wish i could talk like i write.....thats such a rare quality to have, i guess i just never knew many people who could do that....you do it though, you really do...weird, another thing i love about you....but the song i wrote to you in the last email, i'll explain it the way i see it...ha, i just remembered now that I always kinda hated english/poetry/language arts.reading classes when i was in school....it was always my least favorite subject...probably just because i didn't really care much to read when i was little...but i would love it now....i digressed again, and got onto another topic..i always have weird psychic VERY VERY dejavu experiences....and i really think that its stuff that I dream about because i can clearly remember seeing or hearing the EXACT same thing while I am doing the EXACT same task or whatever....just now, I was staring at the -i dont even know what you call it "jar" of bubbles...hmm i dont know what you would call that..anyways... im staring at bubbles - fingers on the keyboard - eddie murphy on tv - barter said goodnight (he was here tonight!) - kayla jumped off of speaker and went into kitchen... and the whole 10 seconds of my life felt so incredibly familiar, enough so that without having to take my eyes off the bubbles, i had time to recognize the dejavu and KNOW that kayla was going to make a weird purr noise and run into the kitchen before she made a weird purr noise and ran into the kitchen... i had to go back and read that part, i dont know if i was making sense at all...but that happens to me a LOT...dead serious, 4-5 times a week...i always kind of feel that for brief moments I can actually control the way the world turns...like that was my 10 seconds of the day to rule the universe...hahahahaha...or its just - and i cant remember who said this to me, but - dejavu is some strange thing that just lets you know that you are exactly where you should be at that point in time - i wish i remember who told me that...i'm pretty sure that i can buy that, i can believe that...but seriously, what the hell is it and why does it happen?? i don't really believe in ghosts i don't think - but something...some other reality...everytime i even think the word ghost i think of my friend Matt Smalls..maybe i do believe in ghosts... well i had dreams that i could help my friend matt before he died in a couple of my dreams...and i remembered those dreams...and then he died...he had drug problems...we were like best friends in highschool, then college came around and he fell into the wrong crowd at Uconn...he was valedictorian of highschool... its amazing how easy it is to get kayla inside the house after she goes outside with me...shake the can, pull one out, toss it, she falls for it every time... but this kid from Jr.s Diner just im'd me to say whatsup...and i just remembered what a traumatizing thing that whole junior's diner fiasco was...i was big into blogging...i've done this before...a few years ago...i wanted to talk to my dad and make myself better, but i didn't have the balls too i guess or i just wasn't ready in some immature way...so i was blogging - just writing my thoughts on paper for everyone to see..i had a lot of good stuff on there too, but one day i blogged about the people at work, i was very general and never once said anyones name or position - but it was obvious that it was all the old ass waitresses at work that i worked with during the day...and none of them were harmful or at least i didn't feel that they could be...and i was getting such response - at the time the band had a pretty large following and i had people i didn't even know reading my blogs and basically just encouraging me to write more of them....at the peak of these blogs (you really really would have loved them and i WISH i had them saved - but i had to delete my profile from myspace and i'm pretty sure i never kept them) I was getting 1000 people a day reading them. 1000 different people read and enjoyed my writing and expressing myself every day for a couple of weeks straight until it came to crashing end....1000 people - this is true it was the most absolute flattered that I have ever been in my life....but one day I had just a terrible day at work and wrote it a little differently and a little bit more mean than funny...and one of my managers and his shitkick little of a son were secretly waiting for me to fuck up the whole time...i didn't know that people who weren't your friends on ******* could view your profile..nobody gave me that memo....so they printed them all out after a couple weeks of me doing one every day...and they brought them in to show the waitresses - i called out that day BEFORE i knew that this had happened....im very glad i was not at work that day...i have yet to show my face there again and could care less if i do....but anyways...the whole experience set me back a long ways after i was taking steps in the right direction for my well being...words really are a great thing, but I guess I hurt a lot of people at once with those words...some people loved it and the people who werent ever supposed to see it until it was a hit tv show or something did see it and these were people i saw every day and who actually liked me after working with them for a while...i didn't not like them, i just used them to express myself...hmm do you understand what i am saying?? i was having i guess the ol quarter life crisis a couple years ahead of schedule but never took the right steps to get out of it - like talk to my dad - i found another way of getting by it by blogging and it was really making me happy - and having people read my blogs every day (there were only a few about the waitresses, the other ones that got overwhelming response were rants about various other subjects) wasn't the thing that was making me happy, it was writing down my thoughts and sharing them with someone besides myself that made me happy) but i stopped when i found out that i hurt those ladies and that because of something i said they suddenly hated me! it was a huge step backwards and i didn't really step back until you woke me up.... what is dejavu though? seriously...
My husband had an affair. He assures me that he didn't love the woman, that it was only sex. Ok, if that's true, then what is it that we do? I mean, it sure isn't "making love". Whoever came up with that term is a jackass, by the way. But how do you make that division? With one person it is to show love and affection and with another it is "just sex"? If you are on the phone with someone for hours a day and then proceed to have sex with them, then how do you say that you don't care for them? If you are willing to lie to your wife's face, kiss your kids goodbye and then go fuck someone, how is that a meaningless relationship? Is that a man thing? They can compartmentalize life that way? Wife and kids here, love them. Whore here, just fucking her? And whatever happened to loyalty? I feel guilty when I switch hair stylists, but my husband can go and screw some random chick for a few months, confess it to me and everything is supposed to be okay? Because one day he felt bad about it? I know this is a different subject but so what.. You know what really cracks me up is all the people who are totally against gay marriage because it would ruin the sanctity of the marriage vows... blah blah blah?? What about hetero couples who shit on those vows every day? Are they going to start punishing people who commit adultry. Hell no. That's how fucked up this country is. Gay people can't get married to whom they love because they are gay, but straight people can marry whomever they please and divorce as many times as they want. Sanctity of marriage, my ass.
i'm having a bit of a spring clean of my life not a complete change because i know i'm already headed in the right direction - if things get polished up a bit, it can be perfection. almost.
How would you feel if every day you woke up, the only reason you got dressed, ate breakfast and got out of the house was because you thought that maybe today he will find me. Maybe today he will see me and tell me how much he loves me and how great I am. I can feel he's there by the pull in my heart. Right now there's a void that's pulling me apart. I want it to be filled so i can be whole again. I don't want just anyone, although that's what I've been settling for, i want a love that even time will stand still for. Find me soon, before it's too late...
well im not sure if this would go under advice but i just wanna talk about this. About a year and a half ago a good childhood friend of mine commit suicide on his back porch with a power extension cord for his father to find. No one really knows why he did this. he left all his friends a voicemail saying his last goodbyes i just wis he had my number because he only lives down the street. The sad thing is we started to grow apart and didnt talk much but i always remember when we were little. but anyways on the night he commit suicide the police said he had done it around 430 and oddly enough i had waken up suddenly that very morning for no reason and looked at the night. i woke as if i had a horrible nightmare. now when i think about his death i think maybe i was suppose to do something. o just had this on my mind after listening to more than a feeling by boston and reading about the singers suicide i just had to let this out.
Please learn to cook. We find it inexhaustably hot.
okay so... Me and "T" are fine together, I'm actually falling in love and I'm happy with "T", but something is pulling at my heart. "L" doesn't talk to me anymore. I know its nice that he wants to back away, from his brother's and My relationship but, it STILL hurts, its like hes not noticing me again...ALL OVER AGAIN. I've been trying for like 3 years to be a friend, to make him know that I exsist...now everytime that he walks past me or runs into me at school, he just looks distant, and keeps on walking. I wondered if ever making love to "T" will make me foregot about him, to demolish any feelings towards "L", But something makes me feel like I would be betraying him you know? My life is being controlled by a guy, that I hate and love ever so much... HELP.
Basically: I'm seventeen. I'm a girl. I live in a small suburb of a big city in the midwest. I have an easy life, but I hate it anyway. I smoke weed once a day, every day. No one knows I do it except my best friend, and she does it as often as I do. We each buy an 8th every couple weeks and spend all of our free time getting fucked up, alone in our rooms, while our families are out or asleep. We call eachother, we laugh hysterically, we do productive things we wouldn't have the motivation to do if we were sober. For a while I thought what we were doing was uncommon, but then I found out other kids in my school do the same thing, as well as other friends of mine from neighboring suburbs. I'd say about 15 percent of my grade has been to school either high or drunk. It's almost too easy to get drugs from school. But most high schools are like that. I get my weed from a guy who graduated last year, but I could get it from someone who's in my school now... if I felt like having everyone know I smoke. Isn't it interesting that so many teens can get away with this right under the noses of authority figures? Occasionally, people do get caught, but they have to be idiots. Some of the teachers know students are doing these things, but they have the energy or time to prove it, so they don't say a word. People say pot heads have too much money and too much time. It's a true statement. Everyone smoker I know is the son or daughter of white, middle class suburbia. We can't help that our life is this way. I'm growing up in a culture only the inhabitants understand, and I think it's fascinating.
You had no right to look at me like that and no right to take my breath away. You can't just make a womans heart beat so fast and make her quiet because there is nothing she's aloud to say. The ring on your left hand stands out in my memory. Maybe you took notice of mine, maybe you didn't even care. You stood there looking. You made me feel beautiful. A rare, natural, amazing kind of beautiful. It's been so long since I felt that way. Maybe I've never felt that way. I can't remember your name but I keep trying. You've been in my head ever since and I think it will be a long time before I recover. I hope you make your wife feel that way everyday. I wish my husband could do that to me. Even once. Or maybe I could just look you in the eye once a week or once a month. You showed up here this morning and I had to wonder - last night while I was dreaming of you did you pull the file and know that you could find me here, or did you remember my hoodie and hope that you would find me here, or were you comming here anyway, do you come here often, is it all just a coincidence? Or do you feel compelled? What is it anyway that would make me feel like you could be mine if circumstances were not what they are? It's probably just me. I'm a little crazy and a little desperate for something that feels real. I can't believe I allowed myself to marry a man who doesn't know how to feel anything. I wish I had something like you. You had no right to do this to me, but I want to thank you for it. You made me feel beautiful, and that - I can carry around in my pocket like a quarter picked up in a parking lot on a cold morning. You can feel the cold metal and touch it from time to time and remember what you wish you could have. By the way - through a sneaky and complimentary manouver I have gotten a name and I'll remember it always.
These are all three of my posts. But I will continue soon. I posted them under this name so it would be easier to find. Thanks for everyone who read and helped me. Used to be called: Why Do Crushes Hurt? Cuz they're called CRUSHES Part___ Post 1 okay so....theres this guy that I've liked for a long time...hes seven yesrs older than me, but hes just so nice. Hes not perfect...hes short, but hes smart, funny and is...well...just hott and just a really nice guy. He plays guitar, sings and is interested in law. He plays sports, including soccer and basketball, even though hes short. Anyways hes my perfect man. I like him, I love him, I'm scared to tell him how I feel. I have a crush on him Post 2: Okay, so I'll be going under the name: Crushed.By.Him So...I had a tiny bit of courage... and actually my result was not good. Sadly, I accidently asked his twin brother...Yes, I foregot to mention, he has a twin brother. Lets just call him "L." and call his twin." T." And SO, "T" and I went on a date yesterday. (Jan 16). And are going steady. I'm actually falling for his twin brother, but everytime I see, "L" I crumble inside and look away. It sorta pains me to see him, cuz I didn't get the one guy I truly wanted? but what if the one I have...is exactly the same as the one I long for? But hes not the same person? CONFUSED ps. I NOW can tell who is who, cuz I went out with one of them, and I can just tell. and I'll post more progress, in whats gonna happen...in a next few days. Post 3: okay so... Me and "T" are fine together, I'm actually falling in love and I'm happy with "T", but something is pulling at my heart. "L" doesn't talk to me anymore. I know its nice that he wants to back away, from his brother's and My relationship but, it STILL hurts, its like hes not noticing me again...ALL OVER AGAIN. I've been trying for like 3 years to be a friend, to make him know that I exsist...now everytime that he walks past me or runs into me at school, he just looks distant, and keeps on walking. I wondered if ever making love to "T" will make me foregot about him, to demolish any feelings towards "L", But something makes me feel like I would be betraying him you know? My life is being controlled by a guy, that I hate and love ever so much... HELP.
Okay, so I'll be going under the name: Crushed.By.Him So...I had a tiny bit of courage... and actually my result was not good. Sadly, I accidently asked his twin brother...Yes, I foregot to mention, he has a twin brother. Lets just call him "L." and call his twin." T." And SO, "T" and I went on a date yesterday. (Jan 16). And are going steady. I'm actually falling for his twin brother, but everytime I see, "L" I crumble inside and look away. It sorta pains me to see him, cuz I didn't get the one guy I truly wanted? but what if the one I have...is exactly the same as the one I long for? But hes not the same person? CONFUSED ps. I NOW can tell who is who, cuz I went out with one of them, and I can just tell. and I'll post more progress, in whats gonna happen...in a next few days.
OK, my boss calls me on my cell while I'm driving home from work (62 miles). She offers me a position in the office as her assistant. 7am to 5pm, monday through thursday. I jump at it. Who wouldn't? The guy that I'll be replacing is leaving soon. So the first full week that I am trying to learn the office tasks and computer stuff, they are in the middle of getting ready for an audit. He is not able to teach me anything that week or most of the next week because of this audit.(My boss really spazzes out when audits come up.) I made the comment that if the paperwork had been done right all year instead of waiting till the last minute to straighten it up things would go smoother when it was audit time. They agreed with me and we made it through the audit without too many difficiencies. That next week there is another man sitting at the desk being taught how to do things when I walk in. I ask him "what are you doing here?" I am told that he is learning how to do the maintenance logs and such because he worked in maintenance before and that would take some of the paperwork off of me. OK, I can accept that, but wait, that's not all!!! First of all, I drive 1 hour and 15 minutes to work every day. On my way to work yesterday morning, it is raining, the road was black and so was the dog that I hit!! I didn't see it, I swear! I wont even hit a squirrel if I can miss it. People get mad at me for that but if they didn't tail gate they wouldn't risk driving up the a** of my car when I have to use my brake!!!! So I turn around and go back to see what I hit, find out that it was a dog, pick up the pieces of my brand new Outlander that got knocked off and cry all the way to work. (For the dog and my car.) When I get there, the same two men are in the office and the new one is learning how to do the maintenance paperwork. The day goes on just like every day has. I constantly ask my boss if there is anything that I can do for her. She sends me on erands I go make copy's, fax some things, answer the phone, file some things and such. Meanwhile I am not being taught how to do any of the paperwork or computer stuff and am starting to feel that something is wrong with this picture. About 3:30 I look over and the new guy is being shown how to do the things that I was told that I was going to be doing. I asked why he was being shown how to do the paperwork that I was supposed to be learning and my boss starts raising her voice at me accusing me of throwing a "temper tanrtum". All I did was ask a question and I didn't even do it sarcastically or in a mean voice or in a loud voice. I simply asked a question. She basically told me that I was too dumb to train and she needed someone that can pick up on things quick. She expects to be able to show me how to do something, lets say time sheets, one time and then later on down the road be able to do it without any mistakes or questions. If I ask her a question her face gets red and she lets out a loud breath. She does the same thing if I make a mistake and she finds it after checking everything that I do. Then she says that I am just babysitting them for her when she has to be out of the office. So now I have gone from assistant to babysitter! How degrading is that??!! I have worked various jobs over the past 25 years and have plenty of knowledge and experience when it comes to office work. I did not graduate from college, but I do have 32 semester hours behind me. I though that would count for something. I guess I was wrong. Let me clairify the term babysitter and give you a better picture of what is going on. I am a corrections officer, working in the kitchen of a prison. I basically babysit inmates while they do the cooking. I have been working for the state for 10 years although only a year of it has been corrections. The men that I mention are inmates. They are not allowed to be in the office by themselves. INMATES, PEOPLE WHO COMMITTED HORRIBLE CRIMES AND MY CAPTAIN WOULD RATHER TAKE THE TIME TO TRAIN ONE OF THEM TO WORK AROUND HER THAN A C.O. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
I am all for free speech, especially if others speak freely. Who might be interested in my name and address if only my opinion matters?
Is there any way you could let me go back and edit a post I made? I would very much like to change something around becuase I was very hot headed when I wrote it and got alot of the details wrong.
I can't stop thinking about you. My stomach is tied up in knots every time I'm around you, or even just anticipating talking to you. I carry you with me all day long. I see your face when I close my eyes. I dream about you when I fall asleep, and when I wake up, you're the first thing on my mind. A room full of people could compliment me, but I only look for your approval. I should have told you years ago how I felt. I'm sorry I didn't. I didn't think I had a chance. I didn't think you would choose me. I'm so sorry. If I could go back, I would tell you. It's the only real regret I have in a life full of stupid decisions. I thought I could be around you again, and for awhile, I was okay, but I can't handle it. And I can't handle what's going on between us, and what's not. I act aloof, but I'm dying. You're a smart man. Why don't you see how I feel? I think I would do anything for you. Can't you see that? Please end this before it goes too far, because I'm not strong enough to even want to. I'm glad I found this place, because I have to tell someone how I feel.
I just read a an article about dealing with breast cancer called "Clumsy remarks come along with breast cancer." First off, instantly nominated as worst article I've read all day. Not for the issue they discuss, but more for the bitch-fest attitude the writer adopted. Secondly, and this is a completely serious question, "what the fuck am I supposed to do for you?" A woman was apparently disappointed when, after telling her boss she had breast cancer, that the reply was, "Sorry to hear its the big C." Her surprise was surprisingly surpising, and I mean that in a bad way. What was the boss supposed to do, cook her up some delicious soup and nurse the cancer out of her? Give her an all expenses paid trip to Disney Land? You just told them you're dying, you'll be gone soon, and there's nothing they can do about it. What else is there to say but any variation of "I'm sorry" and maybe, "I hope you pull through" in response? What was honestly expected here? You gotta be realistic: unless you outright tell the other person, "Can you please...?" (which I'm sure they'll be more than happy to indulge you in), they have absolutely no fucking idea what to do with you, and that's a completely natural, appropriate response. Want to test it? Sit down, and ask yourself, "What would I say if my wife, sister, cousin, mother, or best friend told me they would be dead in two weeks?"
I suppose it's unfair, but I blame everything that's wrong in my life on my husband. Really the blame should be all on me. If I hadn't settled, hadn't married him to begin with, none of the things that I hate about my life would be as they are. The sad thing is we've been married 23 years and I don't plan on leaving him. It would break my kids' hearts. So here I am...stuck. What's worse is that I remember making the conscious decision before we got married, knowing I was "settling" on less than I really wanted. It was the old bird-in-the-hand cliche. Wasn't having someone who was a nice guy even if he wasn't what I really wanted better than the prospect of possibly being alone forever if I didn't find anyone better? I may not sleep alone at night, but the feeling I have isn't one of security. It's more like a ball and chain.
This is my first time blogging here, and really every actually blogging, an ex girlfriend of mine asked me to right everyday because i used to have depression issues here and there nothing to serious, just a less then positive look on life. Well im the typical guy with my share of loves and hates, my share of true loves and false passions, but at the same time im less then typical guy, with a billion and a half sides and never knowing who i am, but everyone seems to like me so how can i complain. To start im a college student with divorced parents and a rich father, i hate riding on his coat tails but my personal life is too expensive not to. with so much to say i dont know where to start. I had to drop my first year of college cause i wasnt interested, but i met some incredible people, and people i have sadly lost contact with majority of them, but my new program at college is amazing i love it, as a matter of fact my gpa was just barely short of a 4.0, so i really love it. which leads to my next bit which is about a girl, isnt it always about a girl, she was very good looking, totally into stuff i was into, movies, music, and just alot of similarities, but i screwed that one up as usual, because like i said i dont know myself very well, so i let her go and she is with a really good buddy right now, and there is nothing wrong with that. but now i think of what could be, which is kind of a bad idea but anyway on to more recent things, there was another girl and she is an old friend, and back in the day like 3 years ago, we got a little drunk in a buddys hot tub and things went from there, and we dated for like a week, and i was young and more screwed up then i am now and in all seriousness so was she, she had major self esteem issues and just wanted to be loved i guess, but she just let herself open up to the wrong guys i guess, and i ended up just forgetting about her and didnt talk to her up until about 2 months ago, so when i went to see her, within about 10 minutes i knew there was another spark, neither of us forgot about the feelings we once had for each other, and then after seeing her for a weekend i thought hey lets try that whole dating thing again and she gave me a maybe, now i have had my fair share of rejections and given my fair share, so i knew that was a no, but i couldnt figure out why other then maybe our past so i left her alone for a while and then she called me and we hung out again and i asked and well i was right she didnt wanna lose me again, so i told her straight up that i have matured and things are different and she was like ya ya i know i know, and then changed the subject, so i figured she really wasnt in the mood to talk about it, so i let it go but then this past weekend we were supposed to hang out but she ditched me and i was like ok weird excuse but whatev, and then she randomly texted me saying that she was waiting for some dude to find out if he wanted to hang out and that she was bored so she texted me...right. and then she said she would come over last night and but she called and said she didnt have enough gas to get out here and my car is in the shop so we just agreed this weekend, then out of no where she is like oh by the way im dating this dude now, and i was like...ouch and then she was like ya and i think i made a mistake. Me thinking hey thats good, thought she meant she made a mistake by going with him over me, ya that turned into a ya i dont think he is a very good guy, oh great...and then i told her thats kind of a stab and a slap in the face, and she was like ooooo...sorry ya it just sorta happened, and seeing as i know this girl so well im thinking in about 2 weeks she will call me saying hey we broke up and i miss you...and i miss her too and thats me all wrapped up, breaking hearts and dreaming about the ones i couldnt have...
I have just in recent months came to terms with the vast array of things that have given me an erection. Whether it be some older women (50+) Some large women (250-280). Hell I recently got hard watching a dog fuck a chick. I really don't worry about it though because I think it's the thrill of something strange. Sorta like watching a girl eat shit right out of an ass. Yeah I got hard the first time but after that it wasn't really all that entertaining. Or getting up in front of class when you were a kid. There are still dudes who I think are hot and I've recently gotten hard thinking about them but I just love women too much to be totally queer. I don't think I'll ever go back to that life. Even if the worst happens. I have no regrets about the sex, just how I treated myself. I should have had a little more restraint in at least one case, and basically whoring myself out for a warm bed was pretty low but he was gentle. I just wish he would have let me get by with just sucking him off, but he wanted anal every time. I couldn't take it till he came usually. I would let him cum in my mouth though. Like I said, He was gentle. I really haven't thought about sex with a man the same since I met my wife. I would never let another man touch her and I don't think she would let another man touch me. So were good. thanks
Well what can i say, she always was perfect. Some people are not worth the space they stand in. sometimes people aint worth worrying about, but this one i cant understand. Im not a bitch okay, but i stand my ground when tackled, im fair, i wont give unless ive been aimed at. So i'm a girl, 1'm 19, i live in the UK and through school i had a decent group of mates. I wasnt popular, but i wasn't a geek either, i was in with both crowds. My group were close, did everthing together, but there were 3 of us that stood out, we were best mates, we were like a wall. no one could knock us down. Well 9 years on just like that, that wall has been knocked down. So heres the deal. J suddenly wakes up one day and decides she doesn't like myself or C anymore, we did nothing to offend, hadnt been out in months and hadnt really spoken, YET there must be a reason for her suddon coldness. She was always quick to judge, she is a spoilt brat actually, and we knew this but saw through it and loved her for it, but recently i wonder why i ever liked her, how i ever expected her to get over herself and judge herself for once. yes u can give me that cold shoulder, after the amount of time u have used mine for a towel, but its time to stop being a spoilt brat and grow up. u see i want to say this to her, but i know she wont listen, so why waste my breath on a selfish judgemental self obsessed tart! grrr
dear friend, thanks so much for kicking me in the proverbial balls today. i really appreciated that sucker punch to the throat when you told me that i'm unreliable. i was overjoyed when i realized that you don't feel that you can count on me. i was swept away when you alluded that i make no measure when compared to the family that you so frequently bash. the same people whom you said are unreliable to an infinite degree. i can't help but wince when i think about your calling me chosen family; that term now having a negative association. am i member of that unreliable family whose calls you avoid? though you didn't ask me to rearrange my life to accomodate you in your time of need, i did. why? because i want to be there to help. i want to make things easier on you, to be a shoulder for you to lean on in your time of need. i am sorry that i've been late. i'm sorry that you feel i'm unreliable. i'm sorry that though you feel this way about me you still want me at your beck and call. though we are supposedly the best of friends you keep your true feelings from me and that's what divides us. screw you for hurting me like this, for being so dismissive of my feelings and for pushing me away. every time i begin to feel comfortable being a member of your family, as you claim me to be, i get rapped on the knuckles for something, delivered by way of a cutting remark, an uncomfortable silence or avoidance. i didn't think that you were the type but i each day brings a new insight. tonight blew thanks to you. bite me, unreliable
Why the heck is it so difficult to open up to people? There is just a sense of burdening those I care for most with my problems. Family, friends, whoever I do not feel comfortable with telling them much of anything truly important; while at the same time I am sort of looked to to help in one way or another. I always try to do the very best I can for the people who come to me looking for help, but there is no reciprocation of the deed. Not because people do not want to hear or help me with my problems, but because I do not like the thought of troubling anyone else with my difficulties. It seems to me that so many people have enough of their own problems that throwing my own out there is only going to make things more difficult to deal with. So when something happens, I usually suffer alone. This is not a "my life sucks and I want people to know about it" thing, I am just looking for a way to feel more confident in letting other people help me. I am sure they would and yet I am so hesitant to ask anything of anybody, better to deal with it myself than place a burden on another. Talking in circles, I know, but when you are thinking like I am it is difficult not to go in circles with this mess. I would just like to either be able to either be able to let other people help me with my own problems or have only my own problems to worry about. It is just very frustrating to be the last stop, as it were, with no way to get back. Anyway, thanks for reading. I needed that.
I am a down right terrible person. I always have been I just didn't realize it until now. I am sorry to the broken hearted people that got that way because of me and I'm sorry for the lives that could have been destroyed because of me and I am sorry for pretending to be the victim in this life thing - really I'm just an evil tyrant with a trail of broken hearts in my wake. I'll try harder to accept what and who I am and leave the rest of you out of it - it's not your problem and I just make myself look stupider than I am by talking about it. Sorry for wasting space on your site and your time.
I feel that its about time i explained why i am the way i am. Everyone has various struggles that they have to deal with within thier lives. and i'm sorry to those who far more worse troubles with me rantin bout mine. i respect the fact that not every human being will understand how another is feeling due to the fact that no two situations will be the same. But let me break down MY situation. Everyone i really loved in my life, really looked upto, has gone. i've had a childhood of not understanding why one min i have grandparents and the next i have no grandparents playing an active part in my life. ive had a sister who left to live a pityful life 450 miles away submitting my nephew, who i cared for for almost a year, to a life without his family. Another sister who up and left and could never accept me/us coz she was off the rails with drugs. we no longer speak. and now i have a brother who is being pushed away because no one can understand his situation. i want nothing more than for him to keep me opposed to throw me away. and im left with the two strongest people who deal everyday with the dissapointment of thier collective children, yet i continue t be a disapointment to them also. un able to do anything the 'right' way. no matter how hard i try i cant help who i am or what i do or why i am like it. i used to be affectionate, but i have come to learn the less i connect with someone the less i will hurt when they leave in the end. SO yes im a bitter bitch, but get on with it, its my situation. I continue to be a disapointment, let alone when i tell them that im bringing another person into the world to disapoint aswell.
My mother has cancer. I've always imagined that I would do something great with my life. I've got a good job that pays well, and that's more than anything anyone has ever expected of me, but I've always imagined that one day I would do great things, and my parents would be proud of me. But I'm 23, my mother's dying of cancer, and I don't have anything to show her. I can't think of what would happen if she died tomorrow and I never had anything she could be really proud of. I know she's proud of me now, but mothers are always proud of their children. I mean really, really proud of, like, "I just started my own (successful) company," or, "I just revolutionized the shipping industry!" I just don't think having a cushy job I'm good at is enough... I never dreamed that I would be 23 and be so far behind.
I'm sitting here in bed right now, unable to move, sleep, move on, or live the life I'm not sure how to live anymore... You know, I have to say that soulmates really are overrated. What happens when one of them has moved on, and you haven't? What about when you meet one who's already married? I've spent so much time loving these other people that I can't even tell who I am anymore. My eyes don't even seem to be the same color, but I know I still love the same man I loved 13 years ago.
So this is my first blog ever, I've been contemplating doing this for a long time, but never actually tried it. I thought if I blogged about everything that is on my mind all the time, it might make me feel better to get it off my chest and maybe entertain a few readers here and there. I've lead the typical life, divorced parents, weird and bad relationships, good relationships, friends and family being there for me, friends and family not being there for me, deaths, births, happiness, sadness. Basically I'm an average person with average problems. Maybe I should have read a few blogs before writing my own. I don't really know where to begin. My dad is a typical deadbeat who never cared for my sibling and I to begin with, shocker, my mom is the best person I know. She could not find bad in anything, even if you paid her to. At times I wish I was half as optimistic as she is, but then I realized I would probably kill myself. The woman has been through more crap then most moms I know, yet wakes up every morning with a smile on her face ready to tackle the day. And it's not a fake smile, it is a genuine smile that comes from the heart. Sometimes I wonder how can someone so positive give life to someone who isn't that positive? I would not consider my self a negative, but not a positive person either. When I am at work or school, I can give that I'm all smiles outside, but it kinda hurts on the inside. It's almost like there is a piece of something in me that is missing. I guess what pisses me off the most is that I have nothing to be negative about at this point in my life. I love my college, my jobs, my friends, my boyfriend and our dogs but some days it's just not enough. I guess what I am looking for out of the blogging experience is for someone who does not have a clue who I am to say, look stupid girl, this is what's wrong with you. And I guess we will see. I'm going to attempt this daily and maybe I'll find some answers in all this. Maybe just by getting it off my chest that it will make it better. Either way, it's worth a shot. Until next time, cheers!
To The Boy That I Hate That I Love.. It's Been Over A Month Since We Broke Up. And I Still Miss You.. For Some Reason It's Been Worse For The Past Few Days. Call Me Naive But There's Still A Part Of Me That Believes That You Still Love Me, Or Have Feelings For Me At Least. I'm Not Even Angry At You. Even Though You Ended It. And You Cheated On Me. And You Broke My Heart. I Know That We Weren't The Perfect Match. Maybe That's Why It Felt So Perfect. There's No Way You Will Ever Read This. At All. Maybe That's Good. Maybe The Best Thing For Me To Do Is Just Grin And Bare All This Mess. I Don't Know.
STOP. Read this first: http://fearlessblogging.com/post/view/151 Done that? Good. Now you're ready to hear the rest I got back to school at the end of the break. Amanda said nothing about my attempt to give up on her. In fact, our interaction was normal as ever. A wave in the morning, a few at lunch, a chat in English and then again after school, and then back and forth poking on facebook until she went to sleep. On the first day back, in English, she asked to read a paper I had just gotten back. I really rushed that paper, and had gotten a C+ on it, but Amanda said it was good for the amound of time I spent on it. But gone were the AIM and text message conversations until the wee hours of the morning. It was like before we had a close friendship, and now we just had the regular kind. But we would still mess around in English, laugh at funny inside jokes (I just lost the game), and stuff like that. I bought cookies from her, she was happy. Then my cat went missing. I told her first, and she tried to reassure me that he would come back. I could tell she felt bad, and then I felt bad for making her feel bad. So, if you read the previous installments in this blog, you'll know exactly how I went about solving this problem before I say it. A pun in the Honesty Box. "If you know lots of techniques for getting rid of water, would you say you had a high... DryQ? Last one, I promise." And that started up Honesty Box conversation again. The first thing I noticed was her response: "THAT'S SO GOOD." Was this new enthusiasm about my puns because she felt bad about my cat? Well anyway, we went on talking about school stuff, and then she posted a profile picture of herself and a NES (Nintendo Entertainment System) Zapper. She looked so pretty in that picture. She also knows I love Duck Hunt, and often talk about how much I love the NES around her. Me: "♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ @ the zapper!!! You look very pretty in that picture by the way." Amanda: "xD thankslolol." Amanda: "it's obviously extremely shopped though." Me: "You're pretty even when you're not photoshopped though. But I'm just repeating stuff I've said a thousand times." Amanda: ">D thank you, i still disagree xD" Me: "And I still disagree with your disagreement. hahahaha ^_^" Amanda: "lololol xDD" And then we got into a conversation about Soul Calibur, which is one of her favorite games, and I told her, since she didn't have an Xbox 360, that she could come play Soul Calibur 4 on mine when I got it. And then I told her I was going to beat her by button mashing, sorta teasing her because she practices so hard with all the moves. I don't know. I'm no closer to holding her close to me than I was a few weeks ago, but things are starting to look up a little bit from that dark spot. I saw the movie Sweeney Todd (incredible movie), and sing the song "Johanna" with Amanda's name in place of Johanna all the time. My cat even returned. Nora is currently not talking to Bianca, so that blind date I was supposed to go on is on hold indefinitely. I feel you, Amanda. I feel you. I was half convinced I'd waken, Satisfied enough to dream you, Happily I was mistaken, Amanda. I'll steal you, Amanda, I'll steal you. Do they think that walls can hide you? Even now I'm at your window, Standing in the dark beside you, Buried sweetly in your yellow hair! That song works out, because Amanda actually has blonde hair. And she's so pretty.
Well, whatever happened to bosses who noticed your actual work - quality - effectiveness, timeliness and courteousness? No these days it's the person who laffs loudest at the boss jokes, compliments them on the hair, clothers, jewlelry or can provide babysitting, taxi service or vacation condos. It's sad to think that all of business feel you have to lie to get ahead - but then again it is true. Remember that when YOU hire a surgeon, contractor, child care etc - some of these people are lying to you!
And how is it that so many people are just so enchanted by their bullshit? What happened to "working your way up", and having it take more than one year? It's all "gimme gimme gimme" With masters degrees becoming a dime a dozen, I say "get your skinny litlle ball playing ass to the back of the line, punk and wait for your turn. Don't come along and schmooze everyone you know. You spend your days trying to remind everyone how cute and sociable you are, and therefore just should automatically be given a promotion! . You have many more work years ahead of you to move ahead after you have actually learned something, and proven yourself actually capable". And shame on every last manager that approved a promotion of one know it all immature little ass kissing punk. Now You can all kiss my ass as I walk out the door, it is just a matter of time now. Enjoy the wonder of wonderboy!!!! I will leave and be done with all of your bullshit. See if wonderboy could ever do the work I can. What a joke it is. Even if I never move ahead in my new place, it will be a pleasure to go to work once again, and not have to deal with so much ass kissing phoniness. Piss on all of you!!!
It used to be that her laugh would make me smile and come back to her, our conversation, what we have. And today I realized it just pisses me off. I used to like our ability to have silent conversations - there's no need for words sometimes - and now it bothers me that we can't ever talk anymore. I don't know what to do. It's this small issue that's turned into a huge thing, and I can't talk to anyone but my two best friends about it. Everyone else.. Let me start this again. I'm a girl writing this, and I'm talking about my first (and current) girlfriend. Yeah, I'm a lesbian. No, you can't watch and no, I don't care what you think. But it's important to the story that you know that. So it's my senior year of high school, and I've only just come out to myself. For anyone who's had a revelation, a change in something they thought they knew, you know what it's like. Coming out to yourself is one thing, something really hard to do. Coming out to everyone else is harder, and to your family it's hell. A month or so after I came out to myself and my friends, my Mom just asked me one night. Her 'clue' had been that I wanted to go to a show (concert for local bands) that was held in a building next to a gay bar that night. I wasn't allowed. She said "I don't want you hanging around those people." (She said that before she knew I was one of "those people.") And it was tough. She said she didn't know me at all, how could she trust me after I lied (I lied? Wtf mate?) about something so important, how this decision (decision? No. It's a part of me.) would ruin my life, etc etc. It was a pretty upsetting event. And the next day I came home from school to an interview (I called it an interrogation) about my sexuality, and it was just a big mess. In any case, my Mom told me to stop all connections to Amanda (who I had been just friends with, but I knew she liked me and I was interested in her) and any other girl under 18. That's what my Mom claimed her entire problem with the situation was - that Amanda was 16, and a minor. Me and everyone else did and still believe that she's still caught up and not okay with her daughter being gay. The situation was intense, but eventually calmed down. My Mom and I didn't speak very much for 2 months (living in the same house and not speaking is hard) and our relationship slowly came to an even point. We weren't back at our best, and I doubt we ever will be again. I almost told Amanda that night that I wouldn't see her or talk to her again. I almost gave in to what my Mom wanted. I never told Amanda that I was that close to giving her up before we even started dating. Here's where I started living up to the accusations - I lied to my Mom about dating Amanda. I did it behind her back and lied about where I was going, with whom, etc. Then, of course, I got caught. Some lady pulled out of a stop sign (actually stopped, saw me coming, and came out) and I t-boned her. Killed my car. My Mom went through my bookbag and found a notebook Amanda and I spoke through (since I only saw her once a week this is where we got to really talk to each other). Lost my car, every privelage, my college parent-plus loan, and my home. I moved in with a friend for a week, considered moving out permanently, and decide to try to repair my broken relationship with my Mom. She was my Mom, after all. Since then, my Aunt and Uncle co-signed for me a loan from a bank for school. I have nearly $2,500 due every 3 and a half months, not to mention board for my horse, groceries, and other daily expenses. So I'm at college now, nearly done with my first semester, on my own. I live at my Mom's when I visit home. She's starting to come around, has met Amanda once, even asked about her twice, and is at least trying. I try to let her know she's appreciated, and we talk every couple of days. Things were good, then bad, then worse, and now there're looking up in the aerial view. But down closer to the landscape, there's something happening again. Amanda and I have been fighting for the past 2 months off and on, over mundane and serious issues. Over a phone battery dying to me not calling enough to sex. I'm starting to get really annoyed. We vowed for our New Year's resolution to try to be more forgiving to each other, more understanding, and to try harder. And I'm keeping to those promises, but things just get harder and harder. All of the sudden today I'm talking to her on the phone, and every. single. thing. she does makes me irrationally angry. Even her laugh pissed me off. It used to be that our silent phone conversations were fine by me, but now I'm annoyed even though I know she couldn't possibly know that. And I don't even know Why I'm so damn angry at her. She didn't do anything wrong. I'm starting to believe what three others told me - that I want to be in love with her so badly that I think I am. But that it's not a true and whole love, and that's why I'm getting fed up so close to our one year. That I'm subconsciously trying to ruin this relationship because it's not right. I asked my best friends why things were changing, and for their honest opinions. They wouldn't have said this if I hadn't asked. They told me that Amanda was just a novelty to me, and that's why things are so hard now. That I wanted her because I wasn't allowed (my Mom) because it was hard (she lived an hour away and I only saw her once a week) because she was different (she's not obese, but she is overweight, and I don't mind it. We've had sex and it's been beautiful. I don't mind the extra weight, and I couldn't care less if she were skinny or how she is now. That right there is honesty) and because she's so attached at this point that I can't hurt her (I have a problem being honest when it hurts someone. I'd much rather be the one in pain than to hurt someone so innocent as her. She's never done anything wrong). We've been through so much together, that "novelty" makes sense. She was there when I came out, she was there when I got kicked out, she was my first girlfriend, the first woman I ever had sex with, she was there for me during college, and most importantly, she Loves me with All She Is. Tell me guys, does this make sense? Am I being logical in my explanation of self-destruction? What do you think? I know you can only guess so much with what I've said. I've made it as detailed as I can, and I'm just having such a hard time with just everything. There's a girl here at college. (I forgot to mention college is two and a half hours away from where Amanda lives.) And this girl likes me, and I like her. I do want to be with her. But am I willing to give up everything that I have with Amanda because of this new girl? Am I willing to lose everyting I have with Amanda if it turns out the novelty thing is just in my own head? Am I willing to hurt her that bad? It's cyclic. Please, let me know what you think.
I think that love at first sight actually happened to me. We met, and that initial butterfly thing you hear people talk about was there....we proceeded to talk on the phone for a week or so, and then finally plans to met again. When you proposed that I come over and we stay in, I almost didn't go - becasue I liked you so much and didn't want to be "that" girl. I threw causion to the wind and went....it was a perfect night. You made me laugh, you made me feel beautiful, I saw how beautiful you are - it was no longer about being "that" girl, I wanted you; you wanted me. We had each other, and it was beautiful. You held me all night and made love again in the morning. Later that day you called and my heart jumped when I saw your name on the phone. The next day when you sent me a text message simply saying that you missed me and that you wnat me...I so desperetly want you too. So can this be, that for the first time, I am on the same page at the same time as the guy I like? Is it really that simple - this game that I have been so desperate to win for so many years? Just all of the sudden the game is over, and you are here - I want you, you want me. I laughed when you asked me if I could love you (it was our first date), but now I'm wondering if you asked it not being silly, but because you are really this too - God I hope you are!
I feel trapped where i live, theres nothing here (i live in a suburb of Chicago). the weather is always grey and wet. I can't wait to get out and actually live but its intimidating.
I don't understand it. I've read so many stories on this site about people in relationships suddenly meeting the partner of their dreams and unfortunately it's not the one they're married to! What happened? I don't understand why you would get married to someone you didn't love enough to call your one true soul mate. Now your eyes are wandering, maybe it is a mutual attraction between you and this other guy. What happens to your significant other? It kind of mates me hesitant to get married. What if I love her, but she's just settling for me? I know it seems kind of selfish but it makes me wonder about what would happen to me if she ever found someone she loved more than me. I would have to let her go and be happy, but then what happens to me? What if she was the only one for me, but it wasn't the other way around?
OK, my husbands an A, a truly heartless, insensitive A, with a temper from H. He wasn't always like this but has become this way as if there is something wrong with his brain, he won't seek help. The last few years though he has become clinically psychotic. Me, I'm the introverted maverick. Maybe not so, I'm very outgoing on the outside, everyones best friend, on the inside, I share nothing. Cold and alone, so very alone, desperately needing to be held, the one thing in relationships I have never found for myself. I reach out on a chat room, oddly find someone nice but it's sex, a friendship perhaps we have allot in common but it's sex, cold but at least it's something. Doing one of those investigative searchers to find out who I'm really talking too I end up finding an old friend. Hopefully anyway. I've only been looking to find him for over 20 yrs. I called and left a messege, hopefully his wife will give it to him, hopefully it will not cause him any problems, the messege is innocent. After I called, I kept the phone near by watching the clock, hoping would call.... Woke up in the morning and realized, this is not innocent at all. I named my son after this man because he had all the attributes that I hoped for my son. A gift to give a newborn. When I called him, all I wanted to tell him was that and thank you for being such a wonderful friend and a strength for so many years. When I woke up...I could only remember the last time we saw each other. Best of friends all through school, he was older than I. He drove me home on his last day of high school, kissed me for the first time and asked me to go see a movie that night. I cried, right then and there the tears spilled and I never cry. I had wanted him for so long, excepted the friendship he had offered through the years rather than the love I had wanted. He had a job for the summer, was leaving for college in a matter of weeks, I new I was going to lose him anyway and that that was a heartache I was already having trouble dealing with, I did not want to add romance to it, that I could not bare. I cried, told him it's all I had ever wanted but could not deal with the hurt of him leaving. He walked to his car and that was that. My best friend, someone who I talked to everyday for at least an hour, think we only spoke once after that and for an uncomfortable few minutes. I see that he has looked a few times for old friends, do not know if I was who he was looking for. I know other friends have never been able to find me. 20+ yrs and I have never forgotten. He is all I have never been able to find in my life. I couldn't even have him. I wonder what his thoughts have been of me through these years. The pain of that day or the bond that we shared. Neither one of us was honest about our true feelings for each other back then, am I the only one who has paid the price? He was my protector, has he spent these years thinking he hurt the one person he loved so much? He had to love me or he would not have risked the kiss or asking me out to begin with. We were that close of friends. Or does he recall the day as my absolute rejection of him? God, I would never have hurt him. As I knew he would go on with his life, we would go our seperate ways. I have looked to find him before through the years. I found him. I have no idea what to expect. Did he get the messege and spend the day thinking of me? What were his thoughts?
I dont know the meaning of happiness, i dont know if i will ever achieve it, i dont know if anyone can truly be happy. Should i regret my past or should i live life with no regrets? because the past mistakes make me who i am. Will I ever have determination? determination to jump, to read, to do what i have to do without being lazy? will this writing make me feel any different? NO it wont, the more different we want to be the more alike we become. Will my dreams come true? I dont know, and if they did how long will the happiness last, could my life have been different? I dont know what to do, I dont know what to achieve. I hope that i can just live, but living is also suffering.
I LOVE YOU AND I WISH I COULD SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!!! YOU'RE THE MOST AMAZING PERSON I'VE EVER MET! IF I HAD YOU, I'D BE THE LUCKIEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!! I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!!
Im realizing that sometomes it just is what it is. No questions asked. No analyzing. It just is what it is. You have to take the good with the bad. Sometimes the bad out weighs the good and when this happens looking at the half full glass helps. Unfortunitally things change and people grow apart and questions may arise. I know the answer to your question. What ever your question may be. I know the answer and so do you. The answer is what you feel in your heart. What you know is right for you. You can ask everyone you know for advice but lets be honest...you are looking for people to agree with you. They dont matter. You matter. As hard as it may seem...Live for yourself.