FearlessBlogging.com: anonymous discussions.

Don't tell anyone I said that, though.


Here are some recent conversations:


I don't understand it. I've read so many stories on this site about people in relationships suddenly meeting the partner of their dreams and unfortunately it's not the one they're married to! What happened? I don't understand why you would get married to someone you didn't love enough to call your one true soul mate. Now your eyes are wandering, maybe it is a mutual attraction between you and this other guy. What happens to your significant other? It kind of mates me hesitant to get married. What if I love her, but she's just settling for me? I know it seems kind of selfish but it makes me wonder about what would happen to me if she ever found someone she loved more than me. I would have to let her go and be happy, but then what happens to me? What if she was the only one for me, but it wasn't the other way around?
posted to relationships by Brett, Farmer of Justice (3 comments)

OK, my husbands an A, a truly heartless, insensitive A, with a temper from H.  He wasn't always like this but has become this way as if there is something wrong with his brain, he won't seek help.  The last few years though he has become clinically psychotic.  Me, I'm the introverted maverick.  Maybe not so, I'm very outgoing on the outside, everyones best friend, on the inside, I share nothing.  Cold and alone, so very alone, desperately needing to be held, the one thing in relationships I have never found for myself.  I reach out on a chat room, oddly find someone nice but it's sex, a friendship perhaps we have allot in common but it's sex, cold but at least it's something. Doing one of those investigative searchers to find out who I'm really talking too I end up finding an old friend.  Hopefully anyway.  I've only been looking to find him for over 20 yrs.  I called and left a messege, hopefully his wife will give it to him, hopefully it will not cause him any problems, the messege is innocent.   After I called, I kept the phone near by watching the clock, hoping would call.... Woke up in the morning and realized, this is not innocent at all.  I named my son after this man because he had all the attributes that I hoped for my son.  A gift to give a newborn.  When I called him, all I wanted to tell him was that and thank you for being such a wonderful friend and a strength for so many years.   When I woke up...I could only remember the last time we saw each other.  Best of friends all through school, he was older than I.  He drove me home on his last day of high school, kissed me for the first time and asked me to go see a movie that night.  I cried, right then and there the tears spilled and I never cry.  I had wanted him for so long, excepted the friendship he had offered through the years rather than the love I had wanted.  He had a job for the summer, was leaving for college in a matter of weeks, I new I was going to lose him anyway and that that was a heartache I was already having trouble dealing with, I did not want to add romance to it, that I could not bare.  I cried, told him it's all I had ever wanted but could not deal with the hurt of him leaving.  He walked to his car and that was that.  My best friend, someone who I talked to everyday for at least an hour, think we only spoke once after that and for an uncomfortable few minutes.   I see that he has looked a few times for old friends, do not know if I was who he was looking for.  I know other friends have never been able to find me.   20+ yrs and I have never forgotten.  He is all I have never been able to find in my life.  I couldn't even have him.   I wonder what his thoughts have been of me through these years.  The pain of that day or the bond that we shared.  Neither one of us was honest about our true feelings for each other back then, am I the only one who has paid the price? He was my protector, has he spent these years thinking he hurt the one person he loved so much?  He had to love me or he would not have risked the kiss or asking me out to begin with.  We were that close of friends.  Or does he recall the day as my absolute rejection of him?  God, I would never have hurt him.   As I knew he would go on with his life, we would go our seperate ways.  I have looked to find him before through the years.  I found him.  I have no idea what to expect.  Did he get the messege and spend the day thinking of me?  What were his thoughts?           
posted to relationships by Stevie, Merchant of Space (0 comments)

I dont know the meaning of happiness, i dont know if i will ever achieve it, i dont know if anyone can truly be happy. Should i regret my past or should i live life with no regrets? because the past mistakes make me who i am. Will I ever have determination? determination to jump, to read, to do what i have to do without being lazy? will this writing make me feel any different? NO it wont, the more different we want to be the more alike we become. Will my dreams come true? I dont know, and if they did how long will the happiness last, could my life have been different? I dont know what to do, I dont know what to achieve. I hope that i can just live, but living is also suffering.
posted to life by Ari, Ship Master of Evil (0 comments)

I LOVE YOU AND I WISH I COULD SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!!!  YOU'RE THE MOST AMAZING PERSON I'VE EVER MET!  IF I HAD YOU, I'D BE THE LUCKIEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!!  I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!!!
posted to life by Brett, Druid of Arts and Crafts (4 comments)

Im realizing that sometomes it just is what it is.  No questions asked.  No analyzing.  It just is what it is.  You have to take the good with the bad.  Sometimes the bad out weighs the good and when this happens looking at the half full glass helps.  Unfortunitally things change and people grow apart and questions may arise.  I know the answer to your question.  What ever your question may be.   I know the answer and so do you.  The answer is what you feel in your heart.  What you know is right for you.  You can ask everyone you know for advice but lets be honest...you are looking for people to agree with you.  They dont matter.  You matter.  As hard as it may seem...Live for yourself.
posted to life by Andy, Carpenter of Space (3 comments)

Forget it.

confession
I don’t want to be alive anymore. I can’t cope. I give up. I don’t want life anymore. It’s too difficult. I don’t want the pain. The pain of life has overtaken me and I want, I need, it to end.
posted to life by Max, Pope of Time (3 comments)

I really love my boyfriend, G, we've been together for 11 months now, and we go to university together. We met here, and since then we've hardly spent a moment apart. I saved up a lot of money before I came here, and I took him to Turkey for a week in the summer. We had the most amazing time. Last term though we argued a bit, and i know in my heart what started the argument. It was because I secretly have a huge crush on one of the new freshers here, A. In fact, it was more than just a crush, i had become good friends with him, and the three of us always hung out together. It was the time of the relationship with G that all the amazingness of the first few months settles down and things become more routing, even though i still love him. But A was frankly, more attractive that G to me, not that G is unattractive, its just when you've been having sex with the same person for 8 months, its not so...unexpected, as when you kiss someone for the first time, or have sex with them the first time, i really miss that rush. Anyway, A also has an amazing personality, he is genuinly a very nice person, and he has quite a few girls interested in him. Unfortunately i have no choice but to see him, as G sees him quite a lot.The problem is that I know that he finds me attractive and would sleep with me too, perhaps not now that I am G's girlfriend, but I know he would. I told G that i had a crushg on A, and we had a little tiff, but G is remarkably resilient about getting over something, and we didn't make a big deal of it. We'd been having a rough ride the last few weeks, maybe due to stress, maybe due to the fact that I was in love with A, or maybe because i was having a rough time with G, it made me want A. But its so hard to define my want for A, because to be honest, he has girls after him, and i know hes not after anything serious, but i fantasize about blindfolding him so that he couldn't see me, and then kissing him suddenly, but all the while he would still know it was me, but somehow because he can't see me it makes it ok and he won't tell G because of this, and i'm the only one who truly knows. But these are only fantasies. I made the situation worst, by telling one of my housemates, C, that i fancied him, although she had never met him. One night when we were all out and all a little drunk, i suggested to her to try to pull him for fun to see if i'd be jelous. She did, and i was very jelous, and a little upset, but that was it for me, my inside turmoil could be finished, i could take G home that night, he could comfort me, though he wouldn't know exactly what about, or that he would even be comforting me, but we could go to bed together and that would be the ultimatum. But that night G got so drunk he got mad at me for no reason (i smoked a cigerette whilst i was trying to quit) and so didn't come home with me. He admitted the next day that he'd taken the joke too far, but i went home with C, my resolution not found. Next day i spoke with C, we joked about the previous night, and she told me that she didn't care about A and so was happy about it if i didn't want her to see him either. This is the point at which i know A would be with me, because my friend C is definetly less attractive than me. Also A gave me a 9 out of 10 once (I wasn't present at the time). When G came over that afternoon to apologize for the previous nights behaviour, thats when i told him about A. It was one week till the end of term anyway. So I carried on my normal business, but the last night of term, G fell out with me again, I can't even remember over what, and I ended staying in because i felt sad whilst all my friends went out, including G. The next day, i went into C's room to tell her to let G in if he knocked when i was in the shower. I was about to close the door when she said 'I have something to tell you'. I immediately knew it would be one of two things. Either G had cheated on me, or she had got with A. It was the latter. I can't sa how i felt. I felt betrayed, and numb, and some part of me wished i had got with A first, even though i was taken. Later G came round. I felt miserable. I mentioned that C had slept with A, and G said, 'Oh yeh, he told me that she told him not to tell you'. Stupic whore C. As if that didn't make it dead obvious that i wanted him. When term was over, G and I managed to get things back on track again, away from the stresses of term. We spent an amazing christmas together at his parents, and went to london for new years with a friend of mine. Anyway, term has started again, and speaking to C over MSN, i told her i was ok about it, but not exactly joyous. She said he hadn't spoken to her yet, and so i'm assuming he's being a typical freshers lad and isn't settling down with anyone yet. At least thats what i hope. Anyway, they all went out again tonight, all of my housemates together, and G and A and their friends, and i know they are all going to the same club. I'm staying in to work. But if she meets him again, and they sleep together again, i just don't want them to have a relationship. I know its my own fault they met in the first place, and i know i have no right to interfere. But i wish she would respect my feelings. But she is the kind of girl to put herself before others, we've always accepted that, and talking to my other housemate, she is staying neutral, and says that C has an excuse, but yes i had initially said i wasn't ok with it, and she had promised things would go no further. They aren't friends, they just have the same social network. Anyway, I don't know if i should try to make a move on A or not, just to calm my own piece of mind. He has no idea i like him, and i am sure he isn't looking for a relationship, which i want, and i am relatively happy with G. I just can't help being wanton. I just wish i knew whether A would tell G if i just kissed him. I think even if A did end up with C again, it would make me feel better to know, i could get there too, and he would probably choose me over her, and so it would stop bothering me. But I love G, an if he found out, it would be the end of us. I wish i could stop this desire, its like being in love with 2 people at once.
posted to relationships by Ash, Superintendent of the Poor (4 comments)

Oh I'm just so sick of being single!!! And at Christmas time!!! And now I'm probably just going to see couples everywhere...oh wait, I already do!! Went ice-skating the other day and of course i was like the only single one in my 20s. so depressing! i dont know what i keep doing wrong.... i meet a perfectly nice guy...ok so i do have some issues about him but nothing major....and then somehow i mess it up. is it really me? sometimes i foolishly think its him. he was in a serious relationship...maybe he is not ready. or just not that into me. or am i too crazy?? but thats who i am? an idea pops into my head and of course i have to act on it...no really, i always tell myself: dont do it, dont do it...but then of course i do it.     i just duno what to do anymore. sometimes im fine with being single, but mostly it sucks. please let me meet him already!!!!!!!!!!!!!       i dont know what to do anymore. i hate being this alone. yes i have friends. many in fact. however they are mostly girls. sometimes one just needs some male company! and more than just talking, know what i mean?! and another thing is that when i like a guy he usually doesnt like me, but when a guy likes me i usually dont like him. and if i liked a guy and he starts to like me back, i start feeling all weird and see all the things wrong with him and i kinda run away from the situation, i.e. i stop talking to him for a while. and then much later when he loses interest im like, damn but theres nothin wrong with him.... why did i do that????  what is my problem? am i too picky? is it the whole absent father thing???
posted to relationships by Bobbie, Embalmer of the Homeless (10 comments)

depression

rant
Ive avoided this fact for months now pushing it off and faking a smile, but i cant do it any longer. I cry for no reason wake up feeling like i havent slept, my stomach aches like im sick, i dont wanto to eat, i just want to feel full agian not empty please i cant tell my parents i need a shrink they will laugh in my face, i cant take it my mind my stomach i just want to feel full and happy and be content with who i am
posted to life by Charlie, Lady of the Rich (4 comments)

I didn't even know your name, and yet you know everything about me.  That's what Mydisgrace is good for, I suppose - finding out things about strangers.  But the way you did it was extremely heinous.  You messaged my friends, for the love of God; and then when you gained rapport with them, you went fishing about my personal life with him and all of the particulars of our situation.   I didn't know you were doing this until you finally became brazen and one of my friends emailed me about your activities.   But by then it was too late; apparently from what I hear, you'd hatched a plan to fly down under the guise of a "professional" relationship. Imagine my surprise and shock when he told me that you - my stalker! - was one of his new clients.  Imagine my horror when you showed up on his doorstep, claiming that you had no money for a hotel, which neither of us believed.   Sure, he kicked you back to the curb.  He knew what you were up to.  It was plain to see.  My question is this:  why do you blame me for his actions?  You've not met me.  You've not spoken to me.  You and I had no interaction until you showed up, and I was nice to you.  And yet you have posted a public blog urging me to kill myself?  Jesus Christ, girl, get a grip on yourself.   Now here's the honest part.  i don't know what type of interaction went on between the two of you.  I know that he can be flirty and insecure, and that sometimes comes across when he talks to women.  But let me make it clear:  I did nothing to wrong you.  I was not your enemy.  You made me one, however, when you turned into The Talented Miss Ripley. I'll give you some advice: let it go.  It's been eight months, and that you're still eaten up about this enough to blog about it publicly tells me that something isn't right in your noggin.  Get help.  Move to another country if you have to.  But please leave me alone.  I'm just the girlfriend.
posted to relationships by Rex, Carpenter of Arts and Crafts (5 comments)

I know you will never read this, as you don't do blogs. But I have to say it, to get it off my chest without either of us crying. I guess it comes down to how we were raised or how we interpret society and relationships. I love you and am in love with you. From the way you cry I can tell you feel the same. But your oh so rational brain won't let you say it, won't let you go with your feelings. Why do I not deserve a second chance? Why won't you at least try? I know we both want to kiss , to make love again, to do all those things we never got to do. I understand your trust issues but we can work on this TOGETHER. You say you don't see it happening, but how do you know if you don't at least try? You had problems with him and you worked on them, why am I different? Do you not miss waking up to me every morning. I know you do sweetheart. I shall take this time away to work on thigs and I hope you will too. But know that I am not and will not give up on us. I've been through enough to know when I've found true love and this is it. Here is to hope, dedication, devotion, and the future.. I Love You
posted to relationships by Ash, Templar of the Hungry (4 comments)

Basically im feeling quite low today. My love life has been pretty unbalenced for about two years now and ive been wrecklessly turning from guy to guy hoping to find a nice one, a real one, but ive been shot down every time. My problem, i dont have one, i just give my heart to quickly and end up gettin hurt. All i want in my life is happiness for myself and others and i can honestly say that i have tried my best to do that. For instance, i allowed my 25 yr old brother go out with my 18 yr old best friend, now that was a big deal. People say to me all the time, ' how could you let that happen?' or 'thats well out of order' but i did it because i wanted to make them happy. its hard, one of the hardest things in the world for me. but i get on with it even tho it pisses me off to the core. You see the problem is, my brother is a control freak, he is my idea of a boyfriend nightmare. he's one of these 'hold my hand everywhere i go' jealous types who loses his temper quickly, and my best friend, who has just turned 18, wants to live her life as you can imagine. so theres always arguements and im always in the middle. i feel trapped. i feel as though that is what my emotions function around. so when it comes to my real love life its even harder. So i met this guy on thursday night, he was okay, liked to talk about himself a lot , but i exchanged numbers after a tongue tackle in the night club, Friday, i met another guy, seemed a bit of a player, but i enjoyed myself. Saturday night, i met this guy who is jus the sweetest most funnyest guy ever. i knew him b4 i went out through my brother and i've always been fond of him, but on sturday i learnt that you dont need to get in someones pants to have a good night. You see he doesnt drink, his father was an alcholic and he doesnt want to be anything remotly like him, so there i was pissed as a parrot, and this amazin bloke was paying attention tome. sounds stupid, but the little things counted that night, we held my hips as we walked through the club, he protected me when a sleezy bloke came over, he kept me warm and held my hand to the car, he bort me food (good old kebab) and he made sure i got indoors safe, the only thing is i didnt want to look silly asking for his number whilst pissed, so here i am, had the most amazing night, even though there was no physical just a connection, and i cant even get that again. So your thinking ask ur bro, well its not that easy. im just fed up. i hope someone reads this and can give me some advice or just anything really. 
posted to relationships by Max, Chef of Evil (3 comments)

Well I wrote the "In, out, in, out, shake it all about" blog yesterday explaining my living situation and that I wanted to leave and my plan to (oh so maturely) sneak out when she wasn't there... Well, this morning, I went home around 8:15.  My dad gave me a lift and then he went to wait around the corner.  My 'friend' went out about 15 minutes after I got back and then my dad came to help me get my stuff out.  I shoved everything in bin liners and faaacked off back to live with my parents. It was kind of weird that her little boy came and gave me a hug this morning - he doesn't even understand the concept of giving someone a hug properly yet, he's only 16 months.  He's the one thing I will really miss.  I feel sorry for him being brought up with a selfish mother.  I think that's one thing you just can't afford to be as a mother. Anyway, I got back and, to be honest, I didn't even really think about what I had done.  I didn't feel bad.  Kind of aprehensive about what she would say, but I didn't feel bad at all.  I thought maybe that just means I'm a heartless person, but no, usually I would feel bad at doing something like this.  The fact that I don't - I actually feel relieved - shows it was obviously the right thing to do. As somebody said in one of the comments on the first post, I'm 17, I'm young and I need to look after myself first.  It's all well and good helping out a friend, but when it's making you completely unhappy then it's probably gone too far. She phoned me a couple of times early afternoon but I wouldn't have known what to say, so I ignored it.  Then I got a text: "Well I just got home.  I hope you're still going to give me the rent you owe me.  You know how stuck I'm going to be without it.  Also I can't believe the mess you left.  I'm going to have to get that carpet cleaned.  I don't understand. X" Some foundation had got spilled on the carpet... but the way she said she's going to have to 'get it cleaned', I guess she's going to pay someone to clean it.  What was I expected to do, pay for a cleaner?  Ha, yeah. She ended up phoning my mum, who didn't really say a lot to her, just enough to keep her quiet.  Luckily one of our mutual friends knows what she's like and has offered to lend me half of the rent I owe her, so I can pay her £100 this month; he'll make up the rest and and then I can pay him the other £100 back next month.  He completely agreed with me about her not knowing the meaning of the word 'skint'.  His girlfriend, her best friend, also completely understands.  She refused to move in with her for the exact reasons that I've moved out (I was also getting fed up of hearing her boss her partner around.  He works all day every day, he gets no money for himself, she spends it all on treating herself and then when he gets back she expects him to do all the housework.) Things will be awkward between me and her, but I don't really care.  I'm happier here.  :)
posted to life by Adrian, Peasant of the Wicked (1 comment)

Ok, so I thought I would post this blog to let all of the women out there know how much of a cheater this guy is in O'fallon, MO is. After being with him for 8 1/2 years and married for 5 of those years...the truth finally came to the surface and I left his sorry ass! He has an addiction to ass and if you are dating him you need to know that you aren't the only one and you need to get tested if you are having sex because he gave me an STD and he will surely pass it along to you. Just thought I would let ya'll know!
posted to relationships by Max, Bard of the IT department (2 comments)

A couple of months ago, a friend of mine came on msn and was telling me about her problems with not being able to pay her rent.  I did know her in person, but we only really talked properly on the internet.  I was unemployed at the time.  She said she needed a lodger for £50 per week, food and bills included, so I told her that as soon as I had found a job I could help her out.  I had joined an agency and a few weeks later they had found me a job in a factory earning at least £200 per week.  I was due to start in a couple of weeks, so she said I could move in straight away and just start paying her from whenever I got paid. I moved in a few days later and it was fine at first, until a week or so later, I got a phone call.  It turned out I was too young for the factory job, being only 17, but my friend said not to worry and to just look for something else.  I job hunted like mad and eventually found something, but it was minimum wage - which for my age is £3.40 - and only 20 hours per week. However, knowing how much (or how little) I was going to be earning and knowing how difficult I was going to find it, she still wanted me to stay.  I suppose I should have said no, but at the time I really felt bad for her and I wanted to help her out. I started the job halfway through the pay period, so the first month I got paid £180.  My friend wanted £150 from me, so that left me with £30.  I couldn't buy any Christmas presents.  Food was supposedly included, but I needed something to take to work with me because I work in the evenings and my friend said she just couldn't afford it.  I needed shampoo and conditioner, all of my shoes were falling apart and generally unsuitable for winter but I was completely skint.  £30 really doesn't go far. This would have all been fine... I was helping out a friend... but I started to notice how much money she was wasting.  £5 here, £5 there, bargains, bargains, bargains.  I don't care how much of a bargain something is; if you don't have any money, you can't afford even the cheapest of unnecessary purchases.  That, plus the fact that she was ordering kebabs, getting McDonalds, fish and chips etc etc (regardless of the fact that she's supposed to be dieting) when there was perfectly good food in the house that she could have cooked. "I just didn't fancy it, not tonight..." If you really are skint, no matter how much you don't fancy the food you already have, there is no way you can afford to buy fast food every few days. And £30 each on all of your friends at Christmas, plus God knows how much extra for her fiancé and her son. She wanted £50 a week off me, but I bet she was spending at least that every week on complete crap.  The whole time she was making me feel awful about the fact that where I work closes for 2 weeks over Christmas, so I wasn't quite sure if I was quite going to make £200 in December. "I just don't know how I'm going to afford the bills!" It just didn't make sense to me that she was buying all these things, but worrying about the bills while I was working every hour my boss could give me just to give her almost every penny I earnt.  No, I don't have bills to pay, but there are things I need.  I can't turn up at work unwashed because I can't afford shower gel and shampoo, I can't walk around in winter with holes in the bottom of my shoes. I didn't like to moan about it all the time though.  Even when I did say anything, she would say "it's ok, I'm skint too, I dunno how I'm gonna cope."  Someone who can still afford to treat themselves is quite clearly not skint. My money, to her, is just pocket money.  She seems to think that because I'm not old enough to have been in a position where I have ever had to pay bills, that I have no actual 'need' for money, and that I'm going to completely sympathise with her struggling and not notice the money she's wasting.  I've had enough of it.  I can't talk to her about it... whenever it looks like she might not get every precious penny I get the dramatic "I don't know how I'm going to cope!  I'm so depressed!" La la la. So I've come back to my parents tonight and in the morning when she's out, I'm going to go and collect my things and leave.  It's not the mot adult way of doing it in the slightest, but to be honest, I am only 17.  What does it matter anyway?  She's hardly being the responsible adult with her money.  Or my money... My only problem is, I'm not sure how to go on once I've left.  In two days I get paid.  I'll only get about £200 because of Christmas and I owe her £200.  I know I have to drop some through the letterbox, but I really do begrudge giving her the full £200.  She may genuinely not be able to afford the bills this month if I don't give her it, but at the same time I know it's completely her fault, because I'm pretty sure she could have saved getting on for £200 this month without me.  I feel like the pressure's completely on me.  I could really do with some advice...
posted to life by Dana, Manager of Musclebeasts (4 comments)

Well folks, if you want to waste your money on an entirely rubbish place then this is it ...  dubious health and safety, food rubbish -- and what a price ££'s.... The owner is a wealthy twat thats bought this place with absolutely no knowledge of how to run it ... he's part (or thinks he is) of the shooting fraternity.... so any animal rights out there ????? He's something from the past - like the last son of a wealthy mill-owner in the 1900's except instead of sending him over to India with the army thats all finished....  So - this is no Fawlty towers - its pure rubbish  
posted to society by Aubrey, Ninja of the Homeless (4 comments)

A New Dawn

rant
Warning, this is long. Not as long as the Communist Manifesto, but nonetheless quite heavy. And with infinitely more revolutionary content and zeal. Thinkers of the world, Unite! Stop reproducing! That’s right, my one-size-fits-all solution for all the problems of human beings on this Earth. This is not tongue-in-cheek, it is the culmination of years of experience and thought. I should say, in this age of political correctness, that none of what follows is intended to be defamatory or insulting to any section of society. It is simply a stream-of-consciousness narrative articulating my personal views of life, the universe and anything and everything that I happen to think of in between. It is up to each individual who reads it to think for himself/herself and come to his/her own conclusions. So what’s this all about? Well, it is a simple explanation on how to reduce potential suffering to zero. Why do people suffer? Because they are. Because they exist. If they didn’t exist, they wouldn’t suffer. Is there any way of existing and not suffering? No. We (that is Earth/Earthlings) have supposedly been evolving for the past 4.6 billion years - yet there is at least as much strife, suffering, bloodshed and both physical and mental anguish now as there has been at any time in the past. What is all this in aid of? Endless competition over scarce resources, perhaps? Perhaps if we were to acquire an inexhaustible supply of natural resources from an another domain, another planet, all our suffering would end? Again, this is to ignore more fundamental underpinnings of human existence. Action is God to Man. He (the generic he, of course, to denote male, female and unclassified/eunuch) must find something to do all the time. He exists, ergo he must think and act. If he finds nothing to argue about in the realm of physical resources, he will immediately turn his attention to another realm. God, Religion, whatever. Remember, there are always things whose existence can be postulated but which are ultimately unknowable (loosely correlated with but not the same as Kant’s noumena). There can never be a state in which Man is truly “happy” - if there comes a time when there is absolutely nothing to compete with or about (which will never happen), then the most fundamental raison d’etre, the cornerstone of psychological sustenance, is taken away and Man becomes nothing. He is for all practical purposes, Dead. But what if there’s some final aim set out for us that we don’t know exists but does in fact exist? Let’s say there is. Let us know think of the metaphysical dimensions of this final aim. Once reached, then what? To stop is to suffer, as per the previous paragraph. If this end voids all aspects of human existence (save for the physiological), that is also a form of suffering. Sustaining a from of happiness, an end that by its essence “solves” all human problems is itself a from of suffering. Suffering, in its status as the antithesis to happiness, will always exist as long as it can attach itself to something tangible which can experience it. Effectively, not only are suffering and happiness inextricably linked, but they are both predicated on something/someone experiencing them. But if human beings eliminated their own suffering by ceasing to exist (as a race), is it not possible that one day anthropoid species may once again evolve to become Homo sapiens? Yes, it is, but: a) that may never happen, and b) even if it did, well, we’ve avoided suffering for billions of people for many, many generations until it does, and c) It is more than likely that in the time it takes for some intelligent life form to evolve, some cosmic event would have wiped out Earth altogether. So to be maximally unselfish, shouldn’t we try to eliminate the (potential future) suffering of as many of the creatures that exist on this planet along with us? Absolutely. But how? A program of mass sterilization/neutering for all mammals is a possibility. Very time consuming to track, trace, etc. but then since the humans are not reproducing, that frees up large sections of the human workforce to do jobs in other areas (than facilitating life for the next generation of humans). Then from mammals, move on to other creatures as feasible. (also see later) So, as far as any particular generation is concerned, what is the simplest and least painful way to completely eliminate the (potential) suffering of future generations? One option is for some lunatic (or combination thereof, including at least one high-ranking one in the US) to press the nuclear trigger and try to eliminate all of humanity in one fell swoop (not forgetting to eliminate himself at the end, of course, rather reminiscent of Agatha Christie’s “And then there were none”.) Yeah, OK, but remember I said, “least painful”. This wouldn’t work anyway, as there would be complete chaos after the first bomb was dropped - as yet, no country has the nuclear capability/range to eliminate/vaporize the rest of the world instantly with a click of a button. No good. The solution must be something that upon reflection, most of the world’s population perceive would involve no lessening in their own quality of life and enable them to utilize all extant resources to the maximum. Before proceeding with the main argument, I think it wise to take a detour into the realms of evolutionary habit and what are now commonly accepted ways of thinking among members of our race. Dawkins, in the first paragraph or two of “The Selfish Gene” implies that knowledge of our origins is “important”. Why is this presented as something which is objectively “important”? Similarly, all human beings regard certain questions as “important”. Good. Bad. Evil. Any adjective that you care to come up with. Good for what? Bad for what? The Chambers (2003) edition definition of evil (when used as an adjective): “Wicked or bad. Mischievous; Very disagreeable or angry. And when used as a noun: something which produces unhappiness or misfortune; harm, wickedness or depravity; sin, illness, disease or curse. Here’s some logic for you to ponder. Why was Hitler an evil man? Because he intentionally and systematically caused the deaths of millions of people, targeting specifically those whom he regarded as “non-Aryan”. Because he caused millions more to suffer mental and physical pain in war and its aftermath. Because fundamentally, what he did caused: a) Peoples’ lives to be terminated without their permission. b) things to be done to people which they did not like having done to them. But why was it OBJECTIVELY a WRONG thing for him to have done? Look at the words I have written in capital letters. Think about it for a while. I mean let’s hypothesize for a moment that he had caused all living things to be annihilated - eliminated for ever. Well, there wouldn’t be anyone left to make any judgements on his actions then, would there? Presumably, inanimate objects don’t make judgements. So is that a “bad” thing? I mean, who decides whether things are good and bad, and why certain outcomes are worse than other outcomes? It seems to be the case that humans have evolved their own systems of laws, ethics, etc. to ensure survival/greatest quality of life during the period of survival. However, this has been done without ever rigorously defining the final objectives, and without in an irrefutable manner stating why those final objectives are desirable ones. This is not just a question of semantics. Based on our perception of things as evil, good, etc. we make decisions that affect others/the future. The units of cultural and moral information that we obtain from our parents, effectively the first layer of brainwashing, shapes our lives in a particular way until society and our environment (the second layer of brainwashing) then strips all semblance of (truly) independent thought from us and left us obeying the dictates of a combination of V(g) and V(e), the A-level Biology concepts of variation due to genotype and variation due to environment. So, again, I ask you, why is it desirable for humans to be on this Earth? What “bad” consequences would there be if we weren’t on this Earth? Would other living beings then perish without our tender and loving ministrations? And why is that (were it to happen) undesirable? Why do we see survival as success? Why should there not be a paradigm shift defining success of a species in entirely different terms -e.g. as I have defined it, “reduction of potential suffering to the maximum number in the shortest possible period of time, whilst causing the least physical/mental suffering to all those in intervening generations (until the aim is achieved)”? Think of some people you see as being evil. They were “of woman born”, weren’t they? They were a product of their genes and their environment, weren’t they? Why did they act as they did? Because that’s what they felt like doing at the time. Right? Predicated upon the two layers of brainwashing alluded to above, the actions they took they took because their moral philosophy encompassed the idea that the end justified the means. They had an idealistic vision of what would constitute Utopia and given a suitable environment in which to prosecute their wars/theories, chose to do the “evil” things they did. Did their actions and those of their contemporaries have effects unforeseen by them? Of course. But so what? Each and every human has an aptitude towards doing something and continues to do something until he snuffs it. Sometimes his environment gives him the opportunity to express the full range of his potential “talents”, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, he is not satisfied with performing physiologically essential functions and simply existing. No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a piece of the main. Blah, blah, blah. He must find himself a specialisation, interact with society and try his best at all times to maintain his quality of life, and not die if at all possible. He regards his own life as meaningful; in effect he just subconsciously states it a number of times (as if it becomes an incontestable reality by repetition) and justifies it by alluding to either: a) being part of a grand design, of which he does not know the ultimate aim or end. But he “knows” that someone does know the ultimate aim/end or that such a “fact” is indeed, knowable and/or exists - see why this is sophistry (at best) in Paragraphs 2 - 7. b) The substantial help he has rendered to members of his own species/other species and that he will continue to render by continuing his existence. Once a) has been established as fallacious, it follows that b) is not really “helpful”. c) The children he will bring forth into this world to carry on “the important work” after he has departed this world - see a) and b) above, + see below. How many times have I heard - I just had a baby boy/girl, my life has acquired new meaning. Guess what, I just bet £100000 on red in a session of roulette. My life acquired new meaning too! Let’s be clear about this, why do people have kids? It is a fundamentally selfish impulse; a child is just a vehicle on which people shower their so-called “love”. It is a toy which can be played with, and there is a special sense of ownership too. Your very own flesh and blood. How cool. Prevents you and the missus from being bored, will prove (you hope) to be a psychological and emotional support throughout your life, might even prevent a premature check-in to the care home. All-in-all, sounds a good prospect, eh? In all this, the word ‘you’ and ‘your’ feature quite prominently. Did anyone actually ask the child whether it wanted to be born? I mean, you just decided on its behalf that it was its privilege to be born into this world, right? Correct me if I’m wrong, but did it have any choice in the matter? As far as the child is concerned, well, it could suffer in a billion different ways or have any of a million different diseases, but hey you can satisfy your conscience with “But I tried my best for him, didn’t I? As long as your conscience is satiated and the smooth balm of your own unselfishness is made clear to yourself, you’re kept happy and smug. The child’s misfortunes - well it has to endure them if it must, tough luck. If things do go pear-shaped, a few tears may make you (and possibly the child) feel better about things, and more importantly, again serve to reinforce what a caring parent you are, and always have been. You take a punt, a gamble on red/black, will it pay off, eh? Oh what joy. What fun! It’s pretty clear, when push comes to shove, who it is that you really love. Yourself. Looking after no. 1. Each man, depending upon his genetic make-up and the environment that has surrounded him from birth and beyond, has a different price tag. The price to strip away the veneer, the highly evolved “enlightened altruism“, the kindness, the empathy and various other human emotions, of humans, for humans, by humans. Elie Wiesel’s book “Night” is an articulate example of how quickly the superficialities and veneer can be stripped away, leaving the animal. The neurologically complex, but at the same time, simple, animal that is Homo Sapiens. Engineered for survival. The ultimate survival machine. So what is unselfishness, exactly, if it doesn’t consist in doing precisely what you feel like doing whenever you feel like doing it? Well, this might come as a shock to some of you, but it comes from restraining your natural inclinations in “the greater good”. And who am I to define the greater good? Well, I challenge anyone else to come up with the terms of a paradigm shift (mentioned earlier in my piece) which more quickly (than my own recommendation of ceasing reproductive activities) - [i.e. in the least number of generations] eliminates potential suffering for the greatest number, while at the same time ensuring that the lives of the present generation is least inconvenienced. If everyone stops reproducing now, there are more than enough resources to accommodate the physical needs of the world’s population. Everyone, including all those in Third World countries, can be given shelter, housing, medicines, good healthcare facilities and if they desire can be given the lifestyle currently experienced by those in Western countries. This will not end suffering for the present generation, but it will ensure that they can have any sort of life that they want to have - a sort of palliative for the imminent death of the human race. While this is going on, the human race can have the pleasure of knowing that they have used their larger neurological resources (as compared to other beasts, etc.) to do something constructive (according to my new definition/model of success - hereafter all uses of good, bad, etc. will be referencing the terms of the new Utopia as defined by me), instead of trying endlessly to eliminate suffering and increase life expectancy by controlling nature. Millennia of experience should have taught you that science, religion, any construct of the imagination and creativity of humans, can never eliminate suffering (read the beginning of this piece for suffering and its nature). Sex. But you bleat, but you’d all like to have sex! Absolutely nothing wrong with having a healthy sexual appetite (remember I define wrong as anything which does not meet the requirements of my model defining success for the human race). Just don’t have kids. Similar to “safe sex” using contraceptive devices. This is not however, to be read as encouragement for sexually promiscuous behaviour or extra-marital affairs; that is simply a slippery slope which will lead to (illegitimate) children at some point, and less peace for all concerned. And if you do have kids? Well, OK, in my hypothesis, there’s no compulsory sterilization program, no Chinese 1 child policy. Just be aware that what you’re doing is indulgent and selfish and not in aid of anything in particular. Aggregate potential future suffering and volatility just increases further with everyone who takes the same action as you. In case this whole thing sounds like I’ve got a huge chip on my shoulder about couples having children (what could sound more “normal”?), remember what I’m trying to do here. Read the first 8 paragraphs of this again. Religion and God. The Bible. According to the Old Testament, Genesis, God tells Man to procreate, fill the Earth and dominate all other forms of life. Yes, and who wrote the Old Testament? Men, or a combination thereof, sometime between the 15th and 2nd centuries BC. God did not write any part of the Bible, either the Old or New Testaments. God exists (for believers) but He did not create the world we live in today and all the creatures living on it in 6 days, in strict sequential order as described in Genesis. Life evolved slowly from the minutest unicellular organisms to the complex creatures that inhabit the Earth today, including Homo sapiens. There was a lot more diversity in life-forms than is described in the story of Creation given by the authors of the Bible (trillions of unicellular organisms, amoebae, bacteria, viruses, etc.). There have also been many sudden extinctions in the past, at fairly well-defined boundaries (e.g. the Permian-Triassic extinction event, the Cretaceous-Tertiary extinction event, etc.). So, the authors of the Bible were circumscribed by being human and therefore only able to express God’s actions in human language and in terms of contemporary human experience, and not having the information at their disposal that we currently have and take for granted. Thus, anything that is written in the Bible, which is a historical document, has to be read strictly in the context of human understanding during that period of history. So, when in Genesis it is advised that humans should be fertile and conquer the Earth, this represents the de facto perception of reality of those who authored the book. They certainly weren’t around when God (putatively) did the things they ascribed to Him - and (by definition) God existed independently of the dimension of time, whereas human beings certainly do not. “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16. You can believe in, and love, God, which is the main premise for all religions, and still aspire to end physical/mental/other suffering on Earth. God relates to the spiritual dimension - not the material one, His existence (as mentioned before) is not dependent in any way on your actions on Earth, he exists independently of all living creatures, independently of any emotions/actions that you ascribe to Him, independently of the 4 dimensions. You are not harming God in any way whatsoever by not procreating. You are simply (in a truly unselfish manner) ensuring that the coordinates of temporal and worldly experience, equating to a Sisyphean form of indefinite suffering, are erased for the maximum number in as short a time as possible. For atheists, who extol the virtues of the scientific method for solving any/all of humanity’s problems, using what Wikipedia says about the hypothetico-deductive model for scientific method: 1) use your experience - consider the problem and try to make sense of it, this has been done. 2) Conjecture an explanation - yes, done this as well, at fault most fundamentally is the previous model used by the human species to define success. Use the new model as defined earlier by me. 3) Deduce a prediction from that explanation - yes (simplistically - see earlier for full discussion) deduced that Homo sapiens is condemning itself to eternal suffering under the terms of reference of the previous model but is not under the terms of the new model. As it is patently obvious that things which do not exist cannot suffer, in this case, the “testing” that would normally be the next step can be foregone. Now that I gone through the basic framework of this method in establishing a new way of thinking, it is now necessary to explore the consequences of action taken under the new model. So, what are the practicalities of everyone stopping reproduction? No need to worry about global warming from human activities, for a start! CO2 emissions can continue unabated, as there‘s only 1 generations‘ worth of it. Humans will be diverting resources and manpower into mass sterilizations of mammals (and other non-mammalian species). Existing children will be brought up as normal, but since population growth is zero, all those currently employed in childcare specialities will be unemployed after a decade or so. There will be many new areas for them to move into, however; as mentioned before, there should be a drive to relocate/provide for all those who lack basic amenities, sanitation, food, etc. For ALL human beings, the final generation’s sojourn on Earth should be as peaceful as possible. No more AIDS (or any other diseases) being passed on, politicians and governments, instead of vainly arguing and conflicting with each other, can direct their energies towards a seamless passage to peaceful oblivion for the race. Agricultural activities will increase as a proportion of most nations’ GDP, greater provision will be made for the elderly as there will be a drastic alteration in the population structure. Sperm banks and egg storage will be eliminated entirely. Economies will be reshaped; leaders will have no incentive to be corrupt. Financial crises, pension problems (LOL) will be reduced to mere simulacra of the past. Crime (of almost every category) will be much less prevalent going forward; this is an inevitable consequence of less competition for tangible/intangible resources. Next-generation services (pun intended) will no longer be needed. As the children of the present generation grow old, there will be nobody to look after their needs when they are unable to do so themselves, as they will be the final set of human beings on Earth. Hopefully, however, before this point, food/other medically essential facilities would have been made available for this “Last Generation”. Their temporary malaise, as well as other (relatively) minor disturbances which will accompany such a radical shift in human philosophical thought, are small matters compared to the gravity and profoundly altruistic nature of their actions. Note here at no stage is there any killing of any creatures. No “Logan’s Run” type of dystopia where everyone with a particular characteristic gets murdered. No arbitrary Holocaust of “undesirable” (sub) races. This is a coalition of the willing - not of the coerced. Neither is this some mass suicide pact - as no-one dies (of course eventually we all do, but you know what I mean). It is simply a response to a problem, dealing with it in both physical and metaphysical aspects. Well, we’ve nearly come to the end. Sheesh, I admire you for your patience! I doubt if I’d have lasted through all of that. Remember one thing here, having read through that, avoid the temptation to “shoot the messenger”. Ad hominem attacks rarely solve any problems - these arguments have to be thought about for a long time, digested and then refuted (if refutable). I should perhaps mention that my motivation for writing all this was just a genuine desire to help humanity. I may have been guilty of many errors of logic and of battology. I am not (contrary to what you may think - hehe) a manic depressive psychotic case, nor am I seeking to impose my will, in one last desperate act of vendetta or revenge, on humanity. This is also not a mal du siecle rant against the hopelessness of the human condition - it can be read as a logical treatise on immunizing ourselves (as a race) against future suffering, as well as challenging some of the lazy/self indulgent thought processes of more than 99.9% of human beings. Neither is this a personal crusade - I’m quite happy to let all of you and future generations suffer the consequences of your delusions and your ingrained selfishness - but how many of you have the courage and discipline to think and reason for yourselves and to battle the Selfish Gene? Remember, Hell is not other people - as Sartre so famously said it was - it’s yourselves. And as I read recently on Wikipedia, C’est peu, mais si tout le monde en fait autant, … And toasting the success of the dodo, God bless you, over and out. P.S. Humans routinely justify what they want to do anyway as based on a vision they had or what God wanted them to do. This is disingenuous - love for God is a Platonic attraction on a different plane - not an expedient to serve your own needs.            
posted to life by Blaine, Clerk of the Rich (5 comments)

So this is my first time to do something like this but hey I figure new year new things right........   Ok so first thing I wanna talk about is this guy well call him S.  Now I met S online back in the beginning of Nov. now after 3 days of iming he called him and we talked for three hours.  In this converstation I dont think I ever smiled and laughed as much as I did with him.  Well when I finally got off the phone I went into a building and the song Butterfly kisses was playing which I plan on havin played at my wedding.  So let me tell you I took this as a complete sign.  Well the next two weeks were good with lots of convo, iming, and text messaging.  I was really starting to fall hard for him, when I hadnt talk to him in a while id listen to his voicemails just to hear his voice.  But then one day he dissappered and I wasnt sure what the crap happened.  I was worried something happened to him cuz i didnt even see him online or anything.  Well a few weeks ago I noticed him online so I was like screw this Im gonna im him and see what in the world is going on.  So i asked him and at that point he said that anytime he called it went straight to my voicemail and crap which i was just kinda like yeah whatever.  So we decided wed just be friends and kinda just im each other whenever we saw each other online.  However that all changed again the other night.  Me and him were iming pretty much for hours and all the feeling were back.  During this he admitted when he had stopped callin it was cuz he was busy and the next thing he knew all this time had passed.  Well after talking for hours i had to take a shower and he told me whenever I got done to call him.  Well when I got out the shower i found a text from him that said when he was sayin bye to me he almost said I love u and i was just like oh my gosh.  So I called him and he actually told me he did love me and whenever we talked he said it felt like his heart was about to pound out of his chest.  At this point I told him that I couldnt say it back to him because I was scared he might disappear again.  But honestly I think I might.  But his actions make me worry about this because he didnt call or text me to say happy new year, i mean i know hes with his family but i mean if i mean that much to him wheres my text?!?  Idk I feel like I could talk to him every day which I realize isnt nessecary but he hardly remembers to call me back or text me back.  Is that just a guy thing?!?  Also part of my fear is the fact we havent meet face to face and im worried when we do he'll not like me.  Which this comes from years of being over weight and gettin no attention from guys.  Which this brings me to the next thing i wanna talk about completely uncensored about. So I grew up the fat girl... i still am the fat girl however I am the fat girl minus 75 pounds.  Well if anyone is reading this they are prob like wow 75 punds I wonder how she did it.  So ill just tell ya I had lap band surgury.  I can count on my hands the number of people that actually know that.  I don't tell anyone because I dont want them to think oh she had surgury and took the easy way out because there has been nothing easy about what ive gone through since august.  other then under going major surgury, i now am at the gym prob like every other day, i think about every piece of food that goes into my mouth, oh and since having my band made tighter the list of foods I can eat has become much shorter then the ones I cant.  The ones I cant eat pretty much make me throw up after 5 bites.  The sick thing is while throwing up as miserable as it is I think well the less it stays in there the fewer calories I absorb.  Also as miserable as i am while throwing up when I step on that scale in the morning and I see I lost another 3 lbs or when I dont fit into my clothes anymore not because they are too tight but because they are too loose yeah u know what I feel pretty good about life.  U know what I did the other day for the first time since I cant even remember shopped in the regular clothes section not the plus size.  Yeah I was still buying a 2x but there is a difference btwn a plus 2x and regualr 2x.  So yeah that's just a little about me for right now I prob have plenty more to say but this is already long enough ;)
posted to life by Dakota, Necromancer of the Satisfied (4 comments)

Im feeling peace for the first time in so long, i can breathe again its so weird, its amazing i love it, but im still stressed but okay its amazing god its like i feel like i can , its all managble, things are put to test you, well do your best, life will work out in the end, it always does, just be smart, god bless all
posted to life by Andy, Crusader of Generosity (3 comments)

Addiction and Me

confession
This isn't written very well but I would love some feedback. i feel...I feel as though my soul is broken; split in 2 and shattered. I have fought this battle; the battle of life with depression, alcohol and drugs for so long now. I know what I have to do and I've had another one of my epiphanies. I hope to god that this is finally it! I hope that from here on out, not only will I not drink but that I will make decisions that will lead me to my dreams instead of away from them. I can not explain how unbelievably horrible it is to be your own worst enemy. I've had some successes only to see them drift away as I slowly eat away at my morality and values. It's been 30 years now ...I can't believe it but where I am is certainly not where my dreams took me so many years ago.
posted to life by Peyton, Master of the Wicked (0 comments)

I love my best friend. I call it love, because I don't know what else to call it. I know I'm young, too young. But it's consistent. I call it love simply because it's consistent. I've felt this way for about 3 years now. There was only one time in these three years that I thought I stopped loving her. Sadly, I had not. I told her early last year. She doesn't feel the same although I proved I was sincere. Once, she admitted to me she would date me. If I was a guy. While that should've made me feel fantastic, it only hurt worse. A lot worse. She's boy crazy. She likes a new boy every week. But she never likes me. I can't shake this feeling. I've tried thinking of her as a best friend only. These thoughts leave me unsatisfied. I try hating her. These thoughts leave me drained and desperate for any interaction at all. Ive tried acting like her secret girlfriend, treating her like I wanted to. This left her distancing herself from me, and causing me discomfort since I was technically living a lie. I just can't be satisfied. It's been about 3 years. I'm still waiting to grow out of it.  She wasn't always my best friend. My first best friend was a girl named Amber. She was beautiful. She still is. I think she was my first female crush. Sadly, I never realized I even liked her a LITTLE bit until I began liking this girl. It was a very confusing time. I tried figuring out what in the world I felt for Amber and decided that it was just genuine friendship. It felt good. She really was just a BEST friend to me. I told her so. She was happy. In that same time, I realized that what I felt for the other girl was....strange. I started thinking it over. I got more and more distressed, but the feeling would never leave. After I told her, and she rejected me; I was torn. I knew I should move on, but every attempt failed. I looked at other guys, and had SO many tiny interests; sparks of emotion. But they all fizzeled out, literally, within weeks. I became even more confused. That's when I started looking at girls. A single one interested me, but I was too shy-too confused- to do anything about it. She fizzeled out and I, again, became centered on my best friend. I didn't really want to be. I just couldn't shake the feeling. I've tried becoming interested in other people, but it just never clicked. It's not as glamorous as it seems. What's even worse is that she likes these guys that have no feelings back. Guys who lead her on and break her heart. I know I would treat her better than that, at the same time I want her to be happy. I just stand by and watch, ready to help her when she falls. This is my confession. I'm in love with my best friend.
posted to relationships by Bobbie, Assassin of the Rich (4 comments)

STOP. Read this first. http://fearlessblogging.com/post/view/113   Done that? good. Now you're ready to hear the rest.       Break tension with a pun right? Yeah, no. I mean, at the time it seemed like a good idea to post. "Thrill ride for children? Stroller Coaster." in Amanda's Honesty Box, right next to my unanswered question about the coffee shop. To my surprise, I got a reply. "lollercoaster." I may be a guy, but I'm not oblivious to hints. I could tell that this response was her losing her creativity in finding ways to deal with me.      The next night I was invited to my friend Bianca's house. Bianca flirts with everyone. I don't like her, not in the least, but I don't want to be a dick, so I let her hang on me and attempt to cuddle with me when me, her, and my best friend Nora are watching a movie. Well, actually, that's exactly what happnened. We watched Train Spotting and we sat on a bed, and Bianca wouldn't quit it. I'm not a mean person, so I just let it happen.      I don't think Bianca likes me, because Bianca does this to everyone. She has a "boyfriend" (who she claims to hate), and she just flirts with everyone. But the next day, me and a bunch of people went over to Bianca's house to hang out and do nothing in particular. My friend kelly was with her boyfriend. Bianca was flirting with my friend Ben. Bianca's two freshman friends were talking to each other separately from the group, and I was alone. Bianca noticed this, and so did Nora. They noticed that I was kinda quiet in big groups like this. And they noticed that even though I was pretending to have a good time that night, I was being torn up inside. So that night when I got home from Bianca's house, I got a text message from Nora. Bianca wanted to set me up on a blind date.     I declined. I was still dead set on Amanda you see. But as the conversation went on, and I went back to read my previous posts, and thought about my conversations with Amanda, I realized that it wasn't going to happen. Painful as it was, I opened up to Nora. I didn't tell her about Amanda, but I said I was trembling with fear at the thought of going on a date, and told her that a million things could go wrong, and I would beat myself up forever about them. Nora said "You aren't asexual, and you know it." So I accepted Bianca's offer to set me up with "Darleen."     Then I went on a ski trip. I had no access to a computer, and couldn't get her to post updates, but I did have an iPod Touch, and could get to facebook (fearlessblogger's interface doesn't work with the iPod touch). I went to Honesty Box, and said "yeah, so... I'm giving up. I hope we can remain friends. Just forget this whole honesty box business, ok?" You know me by now if you've read everything. I said I was giving up, maybe I even believed it a little, but the next day, I was sending Amanda pictures from the top of a mountain (you'd be surprised how much cell service you can get on the Adirondacks). I actually sent them to a bunch of people, but Amanda was the only one to reply.     I just got home from my ski trip like 2 hours ago. It's New Years Eve, and I'm going to a party at Bianca's house. I don't know who is going to be there or what is going to happen, but there's a good chance this entire thing with Amanda could be coming to an end. I don't know when Bianca is planning on sending me to the death trap that will be my date with the mysterious "Darleen." Maybe I'll finally find happiness. Maybe I'll be back to Amanda in a week. Only time can really tell.
posted to life by Samantha, Deviant of Musclebeasts (2 comments)

STOP. Read this first: http://fearlessblogging.com/post/view/108 Done that? Good. Now you're ready to hear the rest.  Amanda's in the choir. It's winter, and the winter concert just passed. I told Amanda I wanted to go, and she told me when it would be, and I went. I ended up sitting in the very back row, and it was dark, but I could still see that shining face... Anyway, there were refreshments afterwards, and I went to get cookies and stuff, and of course, to look for Amanda. She wasn't there. After about twenty minutes of wandering around the cafeteria at 10:00 with school the next day, I got a text message from facebook. Not from her, from facebook. It informed me that I had been poked by her. So that meant she wasn't at the cafeteria, she was by a computer. I had been wandering around this awkward scene, through parents and band members and chorus singers to find her and she wasn't even there.   So I went home. I got on AIM.   Me: Hey! Me: Good concert! Amanda: Ugh -dies- Me: ? Me: Dare I inquire further? Me: Are you ok? Amanda: lol yeah Amanda: But it was such a pain. Me: But but but but Me: You were still awesome. Amanda: ahaha. Amanda: We sucked. Me: What makes you say that? Amanda: Altos diction was so off. Amanda: Our rhythem too.    It went on like that. Amanda told me how bad they were, and I told her how good they were, back and forth and back and forth. And somewhere in there, I also learned that she wanted to become a nurse, and that she had volunteered at a hospital over the summer.   And then the next day at school, she asked me what my favorite part of the concert was, and I kinda blanked out since I wasn't really listening to the music , I was just thinking about her the whole time. I said "The one before the hallelujah chorus." and she said "Oh, you mean that hour long one?" and I said "well...parts of it."   A few days before winter break I did something stupid. stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. Me (on her facebook wall): What are you doing over the break? we should hang out. We've never hung out, you know that?   Amanda: lol yes i know. it depends, because my parents often make plans for me. Me: bah... Alright. Well if you're ever free, just send me a text message or something. Amanda: lolzk!   Oh Amanda... Even when you're obviously trying to say "I really don't want to hang out with you," you're still trying to be polite about it. This was the start of a downward motion that would continue until now.   School was taxing. We had just had an english test. Amanda thought she had done well on it. I had just had the longest school day this year, so I said to her "I don't feel confident that I did well on the english test, 'cause it was worded confusingly."   And then paranoia kicked in.   "And I'm going to stop complaining. I'm not usually this whiny, you know. It kinda happens after 2 tests and 2 in class essays, with a Japanese paper to write the night before."   and then paranoia took over.   "Yeah, so, I'm going to try to stop talking about myself... It's really good that you feel confident. Confidence on one's abilities is the first step towards success. Not that I'm the definitive source for information about success, but it's really good to be able to take a test like that and not stress over whether or not you did well. That better? See, I'm not an egomaniac I swear pleasedonthateme"   Amanda's response was a comfort. I can't believe she didn't say "I'm creeped out by you." or "stop talking to me." or "go stalk someone else."   she said:   "ahahaha i don't. relax. jeeeeeez. you gotta chill, dude xDD"   and then I said:   "Yeah, sorry. I need this break so badly. I think I'm starting to hallucinate from lack of sleep. Not to mention I'm all on edge."   The next day, the last school day of 2007, Amanda would have another performance of her concert, only it would be during school, so we would get all our periods shortened to be able to fit it in.     I said: "You sing again tomorrow, right? easy morning. I have a free the period of the concert, so I could have an hour and a half free. But I might go to the concert again anyway... you know...to see you."   I didn't get a reply that night.   I just went to the concert the next day, sacrificing half of my monstrous free (the concert period was extended so that they could fit two showings of the concert in. One was for the upstairs classes and the other was for the downstairs classes). I would have stayed for both showings of the concert if I didn't have a paper to write before the next class. After school, I talked to her at her locker, and she asked which showing I went to. I told her I had gone to the first showing, and she said that the second showing was funnier (she was referring to this improvised scene during one of the songs where two guys hold each other. They did it in both showings, but in the second showing one of them took a scarf and put it around the other guy's neck and pulled him closer.)   Then I sent her a text message on the way home. We got into a conversation about all of her different laughs, and then I met up with my friend and we resolved to go to New York by bus to this coffee shop. There were only two in the world, and one was by us, but it closed down, so now to get their delicious coffee we have to go all the way to New York: an hour bus ride and then subways, and then walking. It's worth it though, best coffee I've ever had. She used to like the one by us, so I invited her to come the next time we went. She said that she wasn't allowed to go into New York without her parents. And then I made another stupid move. I started joking around with her.   I kept pretending I didn't understand why she wasn't allowed to go. I thought I was making it obvious that I was joking, but I guess not. Like she would say something like "You know... it's over a bridge...in New York." and I would say something in response like "Ohh, so your parents don't like bridges, huh?"   Eventually she said something like "It's in another state!" and I said "So your parents are New Jersian Supremecists? Other states are cool too, you know. Tell them that." and I got back:   "NO. MY PARENTS DON'T WANT ME ALONE IN ANOTHER STATE IN NEW YORK CITY."   And then I went and made things worse. I said   "haha, calm down, I was just joking."   no response.   We went to NY, we got coffee, and then later we came back and watched a movie, and at the end of the day, I learned that my sister had come home from college.   I'm really really close with my sister, but I don't get to see her very often. For the first time in months, or maybe years, I burst into tears. With all my friends gone, my defenses came down. Of course, as close as I am to my sister, I would never mention Amanda... But I did say:   "Do you know what it's like, after school, waiting around because you don't want to go back home to a little room, completely alone? And then people ask you why you're waiting around, and you don't want to say "because I don't want to be alone." so you make up some bullshit excuse."   It was theraputic to have such a real emotional release.   Then I got home and checked facebook. Amanda had said (in response to my message about going to her concert and skipping my free):   "lolol... its not like i had a special part..."   Honesty Box doesn't have timestamps, so I had no way of knowing whether this was before or after she got angry at me. So I said:   "I know...But I maybe by coming, it would let you to know that I cared about all the effort you were putting into all these concert performances and stuff. Did it? Oh, and are you mad at me for before with the thing about [the coffee shop] and coming to New York? I'm sorry, that's my stupid sense of humor, I thought you would get that I was joking, and am really really sorry if I offended you."   It's two days into break. I've gotten no word from her. Nothing. She's added a bunch of pictures from her hangout sessions with her friends. So much for her parents making plans for her. My dad's in Florida, and my mom doesn't live with me, so I'm all alone in my house, and I haven't left my room for anything but food since Friday. My friends have tried to contact me to hang out, and I've declined. I've gone into a horrible depression. I changed my facebook status to "Zack is at home, all alone, and most likely will be 'till he goes skiing, 'cause he doesn't really have many friends who are 'hang out friends.'" My dad calls to check up on me, and I just freak out at him. Hell, getting up and walking to this computer across my room has been the first time I've left my bed today. My mom was going to visit her new boyfriend with my sister, and she wanted me to come, and I declined the invite, and she tried to guilt me into it, which made me feel like shit. She said things like "are you trying to escape from me?" and "I just wanted our whole family to be together..." And that really pissed me off. Things couldn't be worse. This is the worst winter break I've ever had.
posted to life by Ash, Bard of Darkness (11 comments)

Attached..

advice
There are few things about my life that are constant.  I've gotten used to rolling with the punches and I am not possessive about many things in my life.  This boy is one of the exceptions. He and I have been in a relationship for about 3 months so far, and it's been going well, but I have my doubts.  This isn't our first time together; we'd dated for about the same amount of time about 2 years ago.  But for some reason, we just wouldn't talk to one another for long periods on end.  I would lament my frustrations with him to my friends and most of that time was nothing but annoying. But for some reason, I just couldn't get him out of my mind.  During the time we were apart, I couldn't stop thinking about him.  I compared every guy I saw to him.  In my mind, it was a pathetic exsistence to be so committed to a mere memory of a person who so obviously didn't feel the same way.  I don't think this could be considered love.  At least I hoped it wasn't; love wasn't supposed to be so empty.  But this year he confessed how he felt to me and I was elated.  His acknowledgment meant more to me than it should have.  I don't know why I'm so attached.  He's not the perfect man of everyone's dreams.  He's definitely not the perfect boyfriend.  But everything about him makes me feel safe, comfortable, and right.  It's hard to describe how I see him.  I know that any road ahead of us is going to be difficult to say the least, but I hope that somehow we make it through.  I'm terrified to open up to him though, because I'm afraid that I'll have my heart broken.  But I know that to have a lasting relationship, you have to open yourself to another person.  I don't often open up to anyone and having my heart broken would make opening up to the next person all the more difficult.  Is he worth it?
posted to relationships by Blaine, Developer of Arts and Crafts (2 comments)

So I fervently suck from that nipple of life, only able to salvage stale and vacant air, absent of any reason to live and full of every reason to die.
posted to school by Samantha, Farmer of the Financial Services department (0 comments)

Lately....

confession
A lot of strange things have been happening at work. In the breakroom, the coffee was dyed vomit green. Two days ago, there was a slice of cake in the mini-fridge with the label "death cake: please eat and die horribly." Nobody owned up to owning the cake. Yesterday, the slice of cake was still there, but half-eaten; a new label said, "thanks." Someone made a log cabin out of hot dogs and toothpicks. The guy who tried tearing it apart before throwing it out quickly realized that the hot dogs had been covered in rubber cement first, then painted to look like nutricious delicious meats. Mayonaise slathered condoms placed at strategic intervals in the workspaces. Yes, it was me. I did it all, and do you want to know why?  Because that son of a bitch John has been working us like dogs, 60 hours a week, no Christmas bonus in sight. Let's see how he feels about employee morale after he finds a melted snickers in his office drawer all dressed up to look like someone's unmentionables. 
posted to work by Charlie, Architect of the Satisfied (3 comments)

So I gave u a second chance, u knew how scared I was and yet u did the same thing to me.  So I guess I am the stupid one... stupid for letting u in again and stupid for believing your stupid meaningless words.  U said u loved me but I didn't think thats how u treat someone u love but then what do I know.  I don't get you... u told me whenever u thought about me ur heart felt like it might jump out ur chest but was that not good enough for u.  What did you want from me?  What did I do wrong?  I think I might hate you now... how could u do this to me again?  U make me wanna cry.  Y dont i deserve someone great? 
posted to relationships by Bobbie, Keeper of the Irredeemably Moist (1 comment)

Okay that video by All American Rejects "Dirty Little Secret".... reminded me of how much i would like to tell my secret to someone who wont judge...so i said it on youtube... and then all the people after me started telling their secrets and problems which i loved to help with. And helped with too :]   So if you have anything to tell, please do, i know people dont lilke to be starters to ill do it.   Umm... When i was depressed, last year, i made up my own little world, where everyone loves me and protects me (in my mind) and i made accounts on myspace and acted as if i were those people, (im a hacker so it was easy to be on like 3 accounts at the same time), i have a split brain(personality) disorder, so it was easy for me to act as different people also since i know psychology. and well... when things at home and in school started to be worse, i ended up cutting myself, and crying, and i needed to see a psychologist (which pissed me off) my perfect little world that was in my mind started collapsing... and well the events (peoples deaths) that happened in real life, mixed up with my fantasy world, and the 'people' that protected me died, and that made me feel even worse, and i know this is most likely an undiagnosed mental disorder...or something... and i cant tell anyone.. i told one person..but he left me (yes im a girl) and hurt me... so now im afraid that this little collapsing thing that happened...  will lead me to suicide...or...just a complete crash of my life...because my real world is crushing down... and even though i realize my faults... i cant help but cry every night for thoe people who never were...
posted to life by Aubrey, Scout of Time (0 comments)

Your fucking condesending superior attitude! I am so happy to be rid of your  overexaggerating bull shit. You think that you are such a great person because you are able to show no emotion at work, but you are really just a totally fake person who deserves to have the snot smacked out of them. I am glad to be rid of your day to day bull shit!
posted to work by Samantha, Handmaid of Musclebeasts (0 comments)

I whine, I complain. Because I know what joy feels like. And I miss it. I know it cant be wrong to miss it. Why does it feel wrong? They're tired. I'm tired too. I don't want to be tired together, I want to be happy. I miss it. I don't feel like myself anymore. They see it, I feel it. I'm sure they miss me as much as I miss myself. I would be better off not knowing joy. Then I'd have nothing to yearn for, and I could live. Like everybody else.  Inside, I know this is not true. I still wish it was. But I'm sure it has always been this way. People will laugh, people will cry. If we can do it, it will be done. And all people will live, all people will die. It must be done. It will be done. I just want to do something good before I go. Feel someting good. Be happy. I want to give someone the joy I used to feel. And I want to feel it too.
posted to life by Adrian, CEO of the IT department (2 comments)

What you really do feel.? It seems to change far too often. Before you left for Christmas things were so good. Talks of hanging out again, movies ,skiiing and you calling me dear. We would say how much we missed each other and it even seemed as if you wanted me to come with you. Since you've returned things have been so different. I don't know what is happening becuase you won't let me in. And that's the odd thing. Honesty was always such a big part of who we were and now you seem so guarded. I just want to be here for you, to be your shoulder to cry on and your hand to hold. To know what it is like to wake up i your arms again. I have a feeling you want that too. There are so many things we took for granted, so many we never got to do. Please let me love you again.
posted to relationships by Josh, Hunter of the Satisfied (0 comments)

I wish that boy with the blue eyes still worked at the university.  I miss him.  But perhaps the boy I remember or have come to remember, wouldn't be the same.  But for me at this moment, he is adorning his cape.  Right now he is coming to save me from this loveless marriage. The boy with the cape is coming to renew my faith in love.  He has to.  We spent too many hours talking.  My head rested on his shoulder.  My heart not troubled.  I miss that boy.
posted to relationships by Peyton, Supervisor of Justice (0 comments)

My new Broadband setup supplies arrive and I connect the broadband modem, install the software, etc. I am very happy to be online again since I have not had Internet for at least 2 weeks. However, I am surprised to find the service REEEEEEEEEEALLY SLOW... It is much worse than our previous dial-up service, I am talking about 3-4 minute waits for simple pages to load, like the Google homepage. We are also plagued by those twin terrors of the Internet, the Blue Screen of Death, and that message from Hell, "your page can not be displayed". Of course, I try all the usual spells first, reinstalling the software, rebooting the modem, and restoring the default settings on the computer. When none of that helps, I go gather supplies for the coming ordeal, (a large Orange Juice and Vodka with plenty of ice, some chips, a paperback book, and several cushions), and call the broadband company's Tech Support. After a refreshing interval on hold, and the opportunity to tell my sad story at least 3 times, I am connected to "Jonathan" a techie with a clipped British accent that clues me that he is at the Bangalore Tech Center. He tells me that my software did not properly install, and furthermore, I am not getting on the internet because I have no account with his company. I point out to him that 1. I AM getting on the internet, just not very well, 2. I DO have an account with his company, I am holding the bill in my hand. At this point I should have hung up and called back, hoping to get somebody else, but I had been on the phone well over an hour, so I persisted. Jonathan finally admits that I do have an account, and tells me that he will reinstall my software remotely and all will be well. I watch him reinstall the software 3 times, using various settings, and then he tells me the problem is fixed and hangs up. Clearly, Jonathan did SOMETHING because the problem this time is completely different. Now, you can get onto the Internet, and go wherever you want blazingly fast, but only for 5 minutes! After 5 minutes, you can't get ANY page to display, and the only fix is to restart the computer and reboot the modem. Clearly this is not acceptable, so I call the Tech Support back again. This time I get a girl in Toronto who ask me what kind of computer I have. I explain that it is a brand new, top-of-the-line laptop with Windows Vista Premium. She immediately informs me that the Windows is the problem. After she suggests that I return the computer to the store I bought it from and insist that they load it with Windows XP, I ask to speak to her supervisor. Supervisor agrees that it is silly to blame Vista, but insists that since they reinstalled the software, the problem is clearly the new computer. Since it is now 11pm, I head into the kitchen for refills on the supplies before doing battle with the Computer's Tech support...
posted to tech by Brett, Warlord of the Homeless (2 comments)

I'm a pretty manly guy, I drink hard, play sports, military man, I don't cry over stuff.  I'm in a relationship with a VERY strong minded, independent woman. I only have about a total of 6 weeks to spend with her on leave throughout the past year and when I do I want to spend EVERY minute with her.  It's begun to smother her and I feel like she's lashing out at me because of it.  The other day she said some stuff that really hurt and I spent last night drinking and then crying myself to sleep ... yeah ...  I don't know what to do, I want to spend EVERY MINUTE I can with her, I only have a limited amount of time and I feel like my life stops when I am not on leave.  It's confusing, I guess.  I love this girl, I know the date I'm proposing to her, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with her ... but I'm worried that I'm pushing her away.  I'm going to go drink myself to sleep ... help?
posted to relationships by Taylor, Manager of the Forgotten Lands (3 comments)

Frenemies.

rant
I just cant take them anymore. They are so obnoxious, one acts like a 5 year old not a 15 year old and the other is just a plain old bitch. They are best friends of course, one following the other around being her little shadow. She wants my boyfriend, but she would never admit it of course, but everyone knows she does. She kisses his ass, and told him things that I didnt want him to know. She cant be trusted and I never want to be friends with her again. The other one cant be trusted either. We had this whole problem over the summer and there was lots of fighting and all that, and you know what the baby does? She tells someone who is not involved at all, EVERYTHING that went on this summer. And then, that person she told, confronts my boyfriend about it, he was involved too, and she tells him that he shouldnt go out with me! I hate them so much, and I can't belive I ever trusted them with anything. They dont deserve it. EC & RW, thanks for nothing.
posted to life by Taylor, Consultant of Darkness (1 comment)

So, I guess that's your New Year resolution?  To end whatever this is with me, and not even talk to me about it?   At some point in our lives, you're going to have to acknowledge me, what I am to you, and what I'm not.  You're going to have to say it, one way or another. I'm not angry with you.  I understand.  But damn, why won't you talk to me about it?  How long have we known each other?  Whatever I am or am not, I am your friend.  I always will be.  You can say it.  It's okay.
posted to relationships by Max, Hostess of Light (0 comments)

My husband has been sober for 46 days.  Yay.  Let's have a parade.  Is there a 12 step for being a jackass?  A treatment center?  I'd love the break.  Im going to Florida this Sunday for work and I can't wait to get away from him.  Im gonna order room service, get a massage and not answer my phone.  Perhaps to the naked eye I seem unsupportive.  I am completely supportive to the selfish bastard.  I just don't like him at this moment.  I still love him, I'm just not particularly fond of him at the moment.  Luckily he will be gone the majority of the day.  I can't tell him how I feel - he can't handle it. 
posted to relationships by Rex, Sous Chef of the Financial Services department (1 comment)

So, last night. Last night a friend instant messaged me -- we've known each other for a long while now. She sahd she was "sooo horny" and wanted to play. Cybering, you know; one-handed typing. So I said, "Why not?" But the deal is, the kind of things she likes to cyber are strange... it's hyper-sexual stuff, striaght out of SAW or Hostel or any other crappy horror movie you've seen this year. She's always the victim when we "play" and she really gets off on it. The sicker and more twisted, the better. She's not the only one who likes to do those things with me. I don't understand how I attract these kinds of friends. I'm not really interested in being cruel or wicked (or being the target of someone else's wickedness), but I do enjoy pleasing people. I have a pretty healthy submissive streak. That's why I do it, because they enjoy it so much. Sometimes I wonder to myself, though, is indulging them in those kinds of fantasies OK? Afterwards they become pretty submissive and docile, calling me "Master" and, if we're on the phone together, purring like a happy kitten in my ear. It feels so surreal, that they enjoy the fantasy of the abuse so much. What's funny is, each girl like this I've met, has been through normal conversation, or chance meetings. Like I said, I like to please -- so when the conversations turned to sex, I inevitably probed and prodded, pryed out the secrets of what made them aroused, and then I'd find myself "torturing" and "brutalizing" them during phone-sex. The situation is so surreal, I have a hard time explaining it. I seem to attract this kind of personality without any effort. It's not that they attract me, either; they're the kinds of women you would never suspect to have such deep, dark desires in their heart. What kind of person does that make me, to indulge them in those desires?
posted to relationships by Aubrey, Thief of the Poor (2 comments)

lawyer....

rant
here in floridahonest lawyers are harassed by the bar association....... crooked lawyers are rewarded by judges and with high paying jobs..... the florida bar association is an organized crime scheme.
posted to society by Andy, Superintendent of Generosity (0 comments)

law clerk.

rant
i work for a judge in broward county,florida..... the judge is not neutral or honest.... he arranges with his lawyer friends to harass opponents,fake testimony and takes percentages of a lawyers inflated ''fees''. kangaroo arbitration.com.
posted to work by Blaine, Butcher of Evil (0 comments)

OKAY so i cant deal with it anymore im at my breaking point, i have my midterms coming up my SATs and i just feel like im going to explode. I have lost everything and now only have like 2 friends because im so focused on school. I just feel like dying everyday some days ill lie in bed and wonder how i could kill myselfjust to make all the pain go away. I just want to show everyone that i can do im determineded but whats the price for it. Losing all your friends, gaining so much weight from being stressed out- which i have i hate how i look now, its just so much when does it all end when when when and i feel like no one understands no one gets that i just need someone to tell me its going to be okay and mean it
posted to life by Harper, Crusader of the Forgotten Lands (4 comments)

  I have been drinking high gravity beer lately. It cost 1.09 in our East coast Food Lion and comes in a big ass 24 oz can. It is 8.10% alcohol. I think that I'm one of a very few white people that will drink the stuff. Hell I don't even like to be seen buying it. It's a hell of a buzz for your buck. Here are some of the results of my testing. One High Gravity:   An immediate warm feeling. I have to be careful not to talk to much or my friends will realize that I'm a total lush.          High gravity #2       My speech is beginning to get slurred. I start to think about smoking crack cocaine and heading for the Food Lion for High Gravity #3. Now I'm at the Food Lion and the clerk is saying he's sorry but he can;t sell me beer because I've been drinking. I go to the Red Apple.          High Gravity #3       I'm no longer capable of safely scoreing the crack but easily drink parmesian cheese straight from the can.               High Gravity #4       I'm wallowing around in the back yard trying to get up on my feet. I give up and just lay there for a while trying to get it together. Next I go in the house and crash into a few walls before making it to bed. I've spent a total of 4.40 plus tax. Buzz Rating: unbeatable!
posted to life by Dakota, CEO of the Irredeemably Moist (10 comments)

I'm 28 years old and just moved to a new town and started my life, yes I said started. Up until now, my life has just been something to get through, and once I got here everything came easier, I didn't have to force myself so much. This is a good thing right?  I have always been a very self sufficient person, and never been in a long term relationship. I never really examined why until now. I started dating a really great guy about a month ago - we are taking things very slowly....I mean really freakin slow. At first this seemed very sweet, and I thought that I would really enjoy it - not rushing into bed and complicating things. But now, I've become a complete idiot. About two weeks ago, I met one of my new neighbors, and long story short - I slept with him. In the past two weeks we have become "friends with benefits". This isn't the first of this type of relationship for me - honestly, it's what I am used to. But now, I am feeling totally guilty. I have no intention of telling the guy I'm dating about my freind, but I have been craving intimacy, which he is not giving me. Each time we go out, I tell myself that I am going to tell him that I want to be with him and that I'm sure things will happen. But then when I am with him, he is so sweet, and so bviously does not want to rush things that I don't want to freak him out and tell him that I want to fuck his brains out. I think that he sees me as the long term real deal, which I really want to be - but I'm starting to think that I can't be that. We haven't been together long enough to say were in love, really I'm not sure if I am. But, I'm scared that I am ruining this potentially great relationship by  cheating on him. I have no feelings for my friend (neighbor), I just enjoy sex. Even as I type this I am freaking out that sex is always screwing things up!! I know that I should just tell my neighbor that I have met someone, but right now he is sending me dirty text messages, which I must say I enjoy. Am I really just incapable of being in a normal functioning relationship? Is a relationship not normal or functional without sex? Am I putting too much importance on sex?  Why am I so screwed up?!
posted to life by Rebecca, Devourer of Justice (8 comments)

I saw you for the first time in months.  I thought I had gotten over you.  I was wrong.  I think I might love you.  I just wish that things had gone differently last year.  I wish you weren't so ashamed of people knowing that you're bi.  I wish you weren't so ashamed to be with me.  You're all about being an individual and not caring about what others think of you, but you were too ashamed for others to think of us as together.  I hate it.  I hate that I might love you and yet you're too ashamed to see it.  I hate it so much.  Why can't you be with me?  Please?
posted to life by Harper, Cleric of the IT department (3 comments)

Somewhere along the way in the past few months we managed to lose each other. It used to be great, it was a 5 or 6 month long "honeymoon" period of our relationship, and as soon as we said "I Love You," everything changed... It seemed like a setup from the beginning except the opposite of that.  I never wanted to date anyone in my small circle of friends, and my whole life I have avoided even sleeping with anyone in that circle.  But up until then, nobody really sparked my interest enough.  It was sometime in April, I had seen "Jess" around at various friend's houses.  She was a friend of my friend's girlfriend and all of a sudden was hanging out all the time.  I was seeing her more and more in the crowd at shows, never really worked up the nerve to talk to her because i never thought I had a good reason to.  But she was easily the most gorgeous girl I had ever been in the same building with. One evening, I had just gotten off the stage and was talking to some fans, she walked behind me and grabbed my ass.  Instantly, I knew we would at the very least have a conversation that night. I was outside smoking a cigarette and talking to Barker and she came up to me and asked me to her prom (she's a teacher, not a student).  I graciously accepted without even thinking about it.  We exchanged phone numbers, she left with her (my) friends, and as I tried to finish the conversation I was having with Barker, my mind continued to go blank. Before the night of the prom, we were hanging out on a semi regular basis, and eventually started "going out?" "dating" whatever, she was my girlfriend (despite talks of "Jen, you definitely should NOT date him," from my (her) loving friends).  And up until recently when we started tossing the word "love" around, everything was great: the company, the sex, the time spent, the overall feel.  Everything was just great. A problem I've had in just about every relationship that I have ever been in is that I have a really hard time opening up, saying how I feel.  Basically, typical "guy" stuff. I never really know what to say when I'm just sittin around.  Usually, I have nothing to say, I like to just sit around and watch tv after a long day. So that might be part of it, but for the last month she has been so very distant.  She never comes to my place anymore, she never invites me to hers.  I still see her, but its always at her place and I always basically invite myself over.  The two of us never go out by ourselves anymore.  The days I don't see her, I'm lucky to talk to her for 5 minutes on the phone if she even bothers to call me.  It seems she is avoiding me at all costs, she never wants to kiss me for more than a peck, we haven't had sex in god knows how long, and when we sit inches away from each other she couldn't possibly be further away. She'll still tell me that she loves me, but she sure as hell doesn't show it.  The whole thing is really wearing on me and as much as I don't want to leave her, it doesn't seem as if I have a choice.  I'm borderline miserable when I'm with her now and when I'm not with her all I can think about is being with her.  I can only wait for her phone calls for so long at night before I go to bed.  When we talk now, most of our more serious conversations are done via text message or AIM, you know like all other grown ups, and I can't help but drop sarcastic comments like "maybe we can hang out sometime.." and she says that all the sarcasm and "pushiness" is pushing HER away! What the hell am I supposed to do? I really want this to work.  My parents absolutely love her and I'm not getting any younger a few more years and its "think about gettin married" time. I'm miserable, and I am never miserable.  All my life I've been just such a happy-go-lucky-nothin bothers me kind of guy.  I just can't stop thinking about her.  This weekend she's visiting friends in Maine, except her friends not our mutual friends.  Also, her ex fiancee lives up there I believe.  So while she isn't calling me this weekend, I'll just hang out and wonder what the hell she is really doing.   Oh and I've asked her what the hell is going on and why all of a sudden she seems so distant and annoyed by me - and she claims not to know why.  She claims it to be a mystery to her as much as it is to me? What the hell? I really don't think that she's cheating on me (ha the most recent post is called CHEATER, its literally staring at me).  But does anyone have any idea what could cause such distance and what should I do?  When she get's back from Maine or New Hampshire or wherever the hell she is, i'm gonna have a talk with her whether I like it or not, get to the bottom of this shit and if we part ways then we part ways. What do i do? 
posted to relationships by Stevie, Chef of the Forgotten Lands (3 comments)

What the heck is up?!??!?!  Why is nobody hiring me?  I have been working full time for the past 27 years, only two different companies.  I have no college education BUT I am reliable, work hard, detailed, don't do drugs, caring, kind, relational, motivated, honest, lots of experience, not too bad looking, decent shape, have lot of ideas, teachable, never been arrested,  AND NOBODY WANTS ME!!  I don't get it.  I have applied for about 16 jobs in the last two months and have only received ONE callback AND I am not asking for much pay. At least $12.00 hr.(I need more though)  That is nothing compared to what I am worth. I don't get it.  I live in Cola. SC. Would you hire me? ...PLEASE!
posted to work by Bowie, Warlord of the Satisfied (3 comments)

Run Away..

rant
I'm miserable. I don't have parents.. I barely  have a home. I don't go to school either. (I was forced to drop out because of my lack of parents.) I don't have any friends. (I broke up with all of my friends.. they were bad influences.) I hate it here. I hate people here. I wish I had somewhere I could run away to. I wish I could have someone to run away to. I don't have a car or any money... so I don't see how that would be possible... at least not right now.   .....
posted to life by Allison, Garçon of the Rich (2 comments)

For Jeannie

confession
http://www.independentngonline.com/?c=161&a=5106
posted to relationships by Peyton, Ship Master of Evil (3 comments)

E. Savarese is using his girlfriend ("J") big time. He's a serial monogamist. Get free before you waste years of your life, woman. Learn to read his body language. Lean to read YOUR body language. Look at the pictures objectively. Open your eyes to what everyone else can see. Love and chemistry is blinding you.  Your neediness is blinding you. What you see is not what you get. What you feel is not real.  He's not into it, like you are.  Not into it FOR what you are. Don't take my word for it. Let the pictures tell you. Bodies don't lie. Take his culture into consideration.  All that touchy feely stuff doesn't mean what you think it does.  Get yourself free.  This is a warning. Look at where his feet, knees, and body are pointing. Away from YOU.  Yours are pointing toward him.  His hands are in his pockets while you're giving with both hands. Count the signs. Do a statistical analysis!  Compare him to you.  Learn to spot a phony smile. Live and learn.  From one woman to another. I don't want you to suffer like I did.
posted to relationships by Bobbie, Venture Capitalist of the Satisfied (2 comments)

He pisses me off so bad. Can you say obsessed much? I hate that people on Facebook still go on about him. He's nothing special, he's obsessed with some girl named Amanda that he can't let go of so he posts about it everywhere on the internet. Amanda's going to get freaked out if she ever see's all that, and I wouldn't blame her either. I wish I knew her last name so I could look her up on Facebook and tell her how far this Zach guy has taken it with being obsessed with her. I'm surprised he hasn't hired people to hunt her down or spies on her through her window. He's a real creep. He's going to develop some weird mental illness where he's going to be obsessed with Amanda for the rest of his life and won't rest until he has her...even if it comes down to having to slit her throat and chop her up where he'll leave her remains in his freezer that he'll go look at every day and admire. I wouldn't be surprised if he would take out her hand and make it caress his face, or even somewhere worse...his p33n0r :o!! STOP POSTING AMANDA GUY WE HATE YOU!! 
posted to life by Blaine, Paladin of the craft table (2 comments)