FearlessBlogging.com: anonymous discussions.

Sort've. Unless you pissed off the government.


Here are some recent conversations:


She is living here. She's my brothers ex-non ex-ex-non ex-ex girlfriend. you know how that goes? She cheated on him. Twice. Her mom died two years ago. and now she decides to grieve? She's moved into my brothers room Sleeping in his bed, using his bathroom. And shes walking all over my brother. SHE FUCKING CHEATED ON HIM. and my parents are letting her live here. FUCK.
posted to relationships by Shiki, Gunner of the Rich (0 comments)

I hate myself.

confession
I feel so ugly. It hurts. Everyone tells me i am pretty but i KNOW KNOW KNOW i am NOT at ALL. I am a recovering anorexic. I feel really lost in the world. I want to belong. I dont feel loved. I have no meaning. I put a mask on everyday of my life. I wish I could dissapear forever.
posted to life by Harper, Archaeologist of the Wildlands (5 comments)

She called me the other day,and before she even told me...I knew exactly what she was going to say..."i'm late..." Even with knowing what she was going to say, after she said it, my heart dropped into my stomach...i couldn't even imagine what she was feeling...I was just hoping that she wasn't really pregnant and I wouldn't have to shell out money for an abortion, which is what she would have had done. I stopped seeing her about a month or two ago, so I guess it made sense that I was the would-be father.  I thought she was on birth control. Anyways, I'm going to make a really really long story as short as possible, my dog is going crazy and she probably has to go outside, and I have to go to study for another final in a few minutes... She said she didn't want to take the pregnancy test at home because her mom was home, so I offered her over here (my roommates are gone for the semester break) So she came, she pissed..prognosis: NEGATIVE!  WOOOOOOOOO Then she left, and she tried to kiss me on the lips on the way out, as if I ever want to do that with her again...i promptly declined, and as she was walking out the door, she shut it...turned around and said "I have to ask you something.." all i heard was "blah blah blah...are you seeing someone..blah blah blah..." i said yes, she said "who?" i made a face like to say "well you wouldnt know her," she said "is it your ex?" i said yes. she got all pissy and slammed the door shut behind her on the way out.. i laughed out loud...said "what a bitch, huh sadie.." to my dog... my question to the reader's...and i guess i'll give a little more back story before i ask it: i dated this girl last year for about 2 or 3 months, then got back with my ex, but still kept in contact with "not pregnant.." she was truly in love with me no matter how much of an ass I was to her, and i couldn't feel the same way...so i broke up with the ex, met a new girl, broke up with her, started "seeing" "not-pregnant" again for a couple weeks...then broke it off...again, I probably broke up with her 5 times over the course of knowing her, and I'm sure she'll be back at some point...anyways, my question: why the hell does she keep coming back?  did she really think she was pregnant or was this just a terrible excuse to see me? and are girls not so crazy outside of iowa (i need to get outta here)? 
posted to relationships by Adrian, Wizard of the Irredeemably Moist (3 comments)

ok so i am a senior in high school and i have never had a relationship. nothing that has lasted longer than like 2 months tops. All of my friends have had many relationships or hookups or something.. but me .. NOTHING. its like every single time i like somebody and they like me back.. something goes wrong. and its usually my fault. over the summer i was talking to this guy, ryan, who i really really like and it was going pretty well.. but we got in a stupid fight and it just ended. my feelings for him have never really gone away. we are just friends now. his best friend, Jimmy, just happens to be my best guy friend.. and just recently Jimmy and i started talking. he is great to me and i should be really happy right? BUT NO. all i can think about is ryan. all of the time.. i miss him and i get really excited when im with him.. and now i dread everytime i hang out with jimmy. now i know im going to hurt jimmy and myself. this really really sucks. i messed everything up once again.. i am going to be a single virgin for the rest of my life.
posted to relationships by Dakota, Curator of the Poor (1 comment)

testing to see if you will find this and know that it's me. I wonder. Do you know who I am?
posted to life by Addison, Consultant of the Satisfied (2 comments)

Green Party douche

confession
Mother earth just like a feminist bitch you take away what you display before me.  Sweet green, and forest musty. Sardonical laughter propagating, purple smiles upon green haze swirling. Pastels were invented....among the thitles and weeds
posted to relationships by Dana, Assassin of Justice (0 comments)

usually, when I first enocunter someone I can tell what they see when they're looking at me. It's usually that je ne sais pas glance or stare, and it exudes this kind of envy or jealousy. Most people assume that I have a great lifee because i'm really cute and go to great school and am severly spoiled...but they always seem to fail to read past my facade and actually see that I am breaking down and dying inside. Every guy I have ever liked or been interested my entire life has some how hurt me, in one way or another. I really don't understand what is wrong with me... I'm not writing this in an attempt to brag about myslef or anything horrible like that... it's just that all of these guys always seem to fuck me over so hard. I'm 19 and have never been in a serious relationship, or ever had someone to call my own..not even a companion. The worst part about all of this is that every person I have ever been interested in I eventually have gotten, but never quite what I wanted. I don't understan if because i'm kinda sultry some times or i'm never the one to pass on another drink... I really don't know anymore. My friends love me, i'm loyal and caring and sweet, and don't ever get upset or yell, i'm not even a crazy bitch, or jealous or anything along those lines... I know that i'm really an okay person. I just don't get why this keeps on happening to me. The most recent situation I found my self thrusted into just happened today. I have been seeing this guy for a few weeks now on on Sunday night I went ot his place, slept over, hung out with him and his best friend all day, slept over again Monday night...and since then he just hasn't called me or answered any of my messages. I came home today (my roomate and him are old high school buddies) and he was over. I said hello and just jumped in the shower really quickly to freshen up, as soon as I got out I relaized that he left, with everyone else. I was devasted. I wrote him a text message, just asking whats going on with him and if I was wasting my time. He didn't even bother responding. I swear when I left him on Tuesday morning I was sure he had fallen for me...maybe because I fell for him, or because everything seemed to be working out so well...and then this shit happens. It always happens, and I'm sick and frustrated... I need to understand why this is happening to me. Please someone , even though you don't know, can you try an some this up for me. I have lost so much of my confidence because I feel as if I am the problem and I am the one that keeps driving them away. What is going on here?
posted to relationships by Bobbie, Warlord of the Wicked (2 comments)

Recently found out my partner seeing someone els, been together 12 years, have 10 yr old child, house and other finacial commitments. He denies seeing someone but I recorded him one night when i was out and I heard him on the phone, i dont want him to know i recorded him so i said i came home and was listening outside, he still said he not, i know he will always say hes not as he knows if he admits it all family and friends would be against him. he dosent like to talk about things always puts it off until tomorrow and then just forgets about it.It is scary to think about being on my own, how do i start again my child still needs me so i wont be able to go out much, and i am very unsure about meeting new people and bringing them into my childs life.Do i try and talk to him again? What do i say i get so emotional i find it hard to say the right thngs,or do i just end it ? But then what. HELP
posted to relationships by Andy, Soldier of the craft table (1 comment)

So for the 1st time in my life I'm single, live alone, have a few good friends but not a bunch, and work full time. In the past i have fallen in the slump of being depressed and bla all the time but right now i feel like i'm actually living my life for me. And that is huge. I am doing what i want to do. The goals i have are for me and me only. I only have to make myself happy, and it's really not that hard to do things for yourself. And I know that once I am confident and happy with myself, everything else will fall into place. Ahh...i'm finally okay.
posted to life by Blaine, Garçon of Generosity (0 comments)

I ended an eight-year relationship last June. I haven't regretted that decision- I've missed my ex and the good times we had, but the relationship itself was getting worse by the minute, and it was time to let it go. I just started dating a great guy, he's extremely intelligent (which is very important to me) very funny (also very important) considerate, all the things I look for in a partner. We've been going out for a little over a month, we see each other on the weekends, have a great time, he cooks me dinner, etc.   Here's my question: Am I ready for a new 'relationship'? I find myself over-analyzing everything that he says and does. Does he really like me? Are we a good match? Is he going to break my heart? I know it's only a month into dating him, but I can't help worrying that I'm going to go through another miserable breakup, and I can't stand the thought of that. If I'd met him eight years ago before I met my ex, I know I wouldn't feel this way, but after the massive dissapointment that was my last relationship, I can't help wondering if everything is doomed.   Since I haven't dated anyone new in over eight years, I don't know what the 'rules' are anymore. Is this normal? Does this guy like me, and he's respecting my personal space? How quickly/slowly should things progress in a new dating relationship? It took my ex and me a full year to say "I love you". I'm nowhere near that with my new guy, but when do you start using the 'boyfriend' word?   Any thoughts from people who've gone through this (male or female) are welcome.
posted to relationships by Josh, Counselor of Imagination (1 comment)

Admin man, do YOU read the Amanda Guy stories? Don't you think he's a stalker?
posted to life by Brett, Summoner of the Lonely (1 comment)

Today a girl has realized people are going to hurt you all your life. Even though no one has hurt her today. She decided that these people will become nothing. She wants to be something. Today she decided she is going to BE something. Those people can try to bring her down but she will not let them effect her. Change starts here, change starts now. Be ready because one day she will be somebody. Doing the things people kill to do. She is bigger than this.
posted to life by Andy, Herald of Wild Parties (7 comments)

my prayer.

rant
please angels, go to my mother tonight and stay with her and keep her well. please angels go to my mum keep her safe and make her at peace. please angels, go to my mother. I love her. please keep her safe. I beg G-d to hold my mother. hold her hand and care for her, keep her safe and love her as I would if I were there. Please angels, care for my mother when she needs me and I cant be there.
posted to religion by Adrian, Butcher of the Idealistic (1 comment)

why the hell is it that everytime i get wikid close to someone they end up either using me for sex, or using me to get to someone else. it makes me so mad cause i'll take time to try to work at getting a good stable relationship, then the person its with will completely disgard me and/or use me. then nobody listens to my problems so i cant get advice or anything. there was this one relationship i had with one of my friends last spring-summer. we started out as friends, and he was just the most amazing person i'd ever met. he had these eyes that were just magic, he could convince me everything was gonna be okay and would compliment me all the time. he hugged me and flirted with me everyday, i was in love with him so quickly. things kept getting better between us and i could tell he was feeling similar feelings for me. so one really hot summer day he convinced me to give him my virginity. after that day we did not see eachother for a long time. i tried talking to him online and looked for any possible way to talk to him. all my attempts were ignored by him. then when this school year started he acted all nice to me everything seemed alright, but then our encounters were becoming just about him needing money. so i would give him a dollar with hopes that we'd talk later. we never would. i had enough one day and told him that, we havent talked ever since, i admit that i miss him a lot sometimes....and that hurts.
posted to relationships by Aubrey, Architect of the Irredeemably Moist (0 comments)

The Heroin Diaries by Sixx:AM is a CD that i think is advice bringing. If your looking for something to help you out with your life you should definetely listen to it. The Heroin Dairies
posted to life by Brett, Administrator of Darkness (0 comments)

Jerks.....

rant
Today one of the people I work with (lets call him Jerk to make it easier) tried to be funny and said I had std. I don't, I never have nor have I ever given them a reason to think I would. As to why he would say that I don't know.  It was rude, insensitive, uncalled for and absolutely no reason for it.  I was so mad I was shacking.  another one knew I was upset and tried to lighted the mood with a joke.  Jerk said I "Would kick his ass" if he didn't watch it.  I left the room and almost walked out on my job.  We have a high stress job, out of 9 people I am the only female.  As I said I ignore a lot of what I see around there because it is just a form of stress relief for them.  (We are a tech department for a small company)  Jerk got a food friend of mine fired and now has his job.  How did he do that?  Well he told HR my friend was harassing people and made everyone feel uncomfortable to work here.  Look in a mirror jerk!  He has set up people in our department before and has sucked, stabbed and belittled his way to the top.  Personally I like it where I am but not where he is.  Gah what a jerkwad.
posted to work by Dakota, Peasant of the IT department (13 comments)

 I recently started a new relationship - this is a huge deal for me. I have not been in a serious relationship for about 5 years at this point. I have only known this guy for about a month, but I really think I am falling in love with him. Here is where the story goes south....the other night I went out with some friends to a local bar (he stayed home sick). When driving to the bar, I found out it was only one street over from his house. After a night of fun and laughter, I thouhgt I might just pop in on him to see how he was feeling - after all it was pretty much on the way home. So I turn down the street, and there is an unkown car in driveway! He has a roommate, but the roommates car was not there - so it could not have been a visitor for the roomie! My heart immediatley sank! It was 1am - all the lights were off.....people obviously sleping inside. I don't know what possesed me, but when I got home, I went to one of those sites that you can search if they have ever cheated before - and there was a post about him! I was so hurt, you have no idea. The next day I called him out on it (well, about the post, not the thing about the car - 1am drive by's are very stalker-ish). He had a very good story for the posting....seriously believable (it was very similar to a situation I once was in). He said that he had talked to the girl who put it up there, and she had said she would remove it b/c she agreed that she over reacted, and it was wrong to have put it up.....but its still there (it was posted about 7 months ago). Do I mention the car? Am I just being a stupid girl? Should I just call the whole thing off? Seriously, this is the first time I start to open my heart up in YEARS, and this is what happens right off the bat - WTF?! Do I only believe the story becasue it is what I wnat to hear? FYI: He really was sick - we spent time together at his house while he was sick, so I am sure that part is true.
posted to relationships by Brett, Historian of Justice (2 comments)

I have never been a girl that envisioned her wedding. I don't really care, to be honest, what the flowers look like, or what kind of frosting is on the cake. If and when I get married, I'd rather go to a small office somewhere with a non-religious officiant and my best friend and his, and just make it legal, if it comes to that. I can respect the fact that other people love weddings, and my parents would probably love to watch me walk down a church aisle in taffeta and lace, but I personally don't need that to make me happy. Also, I cannot stand diamond rings- read the National Geographic issue about diamond mines, and you'll agree. That being said, I was engaged. For two and a half years, I wore a sapphire ring, looked at gowns and contemplated invitations and wedding colors. I love my ex-fiancee even now. I'd still be with him if things were different. But I believe our future "marital bliss" ruined our relationship. Immediately after our engagement, his family started asking me about what I wanted for the wedding. Now, keep in mind that I was getting my master's degree at the time, and really had no extra time to spend on napkin selection. I got the "Idiot's guide to Weddings" which made me want to puke. I also felt like people stopped asking me about ME and constantly asked me about my "wedding". I tried to come up with a guest list, which totaled 30 people from my side and about 4000 from his. I opened a savings account with my inheritance money, he did nothing. I picked out a tentative date, he picked out a Hugo Boss suit.   That's why we are no longer together. That and the fact that after we became engaged, we had NO sex life. He didn't put in any effort in anything. I had to plan the romantic dates, the meals, the laundry. He seemed perfectly content to surf the internet and fantasize about threesomes. I was done.   I can accept that weddings are an exciting new beginning, and a testimony to a life committed to one another. But I will never marry anyone unless we can go to a civil servant dressed how we are at any given moment and commit to each other exactly as we are. I shouldn't have to spend 20,000 to prove to someone I  want to spend my life with them. I shouldn't have to go on an extreme diet, fake-tan, and have my nails done to show my everlasting devotion. So that is why I am no longer with my fiancee. We had different goals in life.   I can only hope that there are other women out there who feel the same. I know that your wedding day should be very special, but does it have to revolve around how much money you can spend and whether or not the florist you "have to have" is available? Shouldn’t it be about the amazing partner you've found, or at least the fact that you're willing to believe in relationships that can last?   I do believe that I will be married someday. I still love my ex. I wish we could be together, but it's not meant to be. I want a family, a home, a dog, etc. I'm just not willing to trade my happiness for "one day" where I wear a poofy white dress and pay too much for mediocre fettuccine. That is just fucking stupid.
posted to life by Bobbie, Sniper of the IT department (2 comments)

I don't know who I am. I didnt go to work today. I still drunk until 4 oclock today from the night before. That is not like me. I am compensating with alcohol to deal with what we did. I have no one to talk to about everything because i dont want anyone to know. I can't even talk to you, you wont talk to me. I didn't think this would affect me so much. I want my life back. I know that i need to move on but I can't. Its exhausting pretending that everything is ok. Because it is not. I am not OK. I am not OK and I dont know what to do. How do i move on? I feel like ive hit rock bottom. I need you. I need you to kiss me and tell me everything is going to be ok. But you will never do that. You will never be that for me. I want you to be that for me. I want you to hold me and tell me that were not bad people. The whole point was so that we could go on living our lives as normal. We weren't ready, I know that. I cant take care of myself let alone a child. Will i ever live my life as I did before? really? I want to be with you. And you have made it very clear that you do not want to be with me. I didn't want you to think I got pregnant on purpose so that was part of my decision to get an abortion. I did not do this on purpose, this was the last situation i ever wanted to be in. Especially because things between us were getting good. I really felt like we were getting somewhere before this whole mess.  Our child would have had blue eyes did you know that? We both have blue eyes so the baby would have. I know that we made the right decision but why do i hate myself so much? Am i ever going to be me again? I miss you. You were so nice to me before everything. I feel like maybe you just didnt want me to change my mind. I miss you. I need you. You once told me that this was not just about sex. But we havent hung out since everything and i feel like its because i cant have sex for a while. Or maybe its because you hate yourself too and it hurts to be with me. It makes me feel better to be with you. You make me feel safe. You make me feel like a good person. I think i would hate myself a little less if i could spend more time with you.  Where do i go from here? I need to be me again really soon. Because I don't like who ive become. I am an emotional mess and all i ever do is cry. I am a total complete mess. I need you. Please. PLEASE hold me and tell me everything is ok I REALLY need you. (please please who ever reads this. I wrote this for me. To vent about my feelings. PLEASE no pro-life comments. I already hate myself I really think that would push me over the edge.)
posted to relationships by Blaine, Garçon of Time (3 comments)

The experts do not impress me. They give me no credentials beyond college degrees.  I have a BS, Ms, and PhD.  My qualification as an expert in family fondling?  I was family-fondled.  Why?  He#$ if I know.  I believe it is a basic animalistic...minus...human....emotional event(s). Like dog 'humping' of anything immobile.  Of, course, I am not an OFFICIALLY sexually victamized case.  Just a REAL life experienced case.
posted to life by Dana, Developer of the Wildlands (0 comments)

To You....

rant
Dear you.     I'm never going to forget anything about the time we had together. It may have been short, but I loved it. I don't think there's one single memory that I've forgotten.     I really hope that we have another chance together soon. I miss you more than anything. I always tell people that I don't have feelings for you anymore, and I don't miss you, and that I've moved on. But I'm so far from those things, that it's not even funny.     You know what really hurt? The day after we broke up, you were back with your ex. The one that you promised nothing was going on with. The one that you promised would never come between us.  I know it wasn't your decision to break up, but you promised. There was obviously something going on between you two while we were together. I guess I was just too blind to see. I blame it on the distance.     Now you two are broken up. But I know you still have feelings for her, I just know it.  I can see it. Every time I talk to you. Every time I talk to her. I can sense that there's still a little something going on between you two.     The night we broke up, you told me, "remember, I love you" and you know, I still haven't forgotten. I even have all the love notes and presents you gave me still.      All those memories, I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I always wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. Or if you even miss me at all. I guess we'll find out some day. I honestly believe that you and I will be together again. Until then, just remember... I love you. Love, Your Little Angel 
posted to relationships by Ash, Monk of the Satisfied (2 comments)

English...

rant
okay so she tells us what to read, i read it, and then she gives us a 8 question quiz. EVERY OTHER DAY. 90 pgs in 2 nights is rediculous, oh and grammar, and vocab, and thats not the only class i have in school!Um if u get 1 q wrong out of 8 you now have a B 2 and ur almost failing. if she gives u a 7,6, or 5 question test ur screwed because even if you like memorized the 90 pgs you read ud still get at least one wrong because its not always in the passage but intrpretted. So pretty much a A is like physically impossible, this is comming from a girl who has had all As since sixth grade and i'm currently a sophomore. all the sudden im failing english! something tells me theres somin wrong with that picture. Its so not fair. Shes really nice but she tests really hard and i don't think i can do this. Shes goingto be the down fall of my application to the sci & math school i'm trying for. Its soooooo unfair!
posted to school by Max, Observer of the IT department (3 comments)

my kids ..

rant
i have a son who's 21 and he drives me insane.  I left his dad 5 years ago.  we were married a really long time but it was not what it seemed.  he was never physically abusive you couldn't get him to debate something much less argue.  he decided he really didn't want to work so he became a preacher..... i get really tired of people who use God as some kind of excuse to be biggots and judgemental of all other people.  If you could see behind the doors of most of these people they are not what the pretend to be and that makes me mad.  But my son is now following right after his dad.  I want him to be a really strong christian man but i want it to be for real not some play thing he uses to act and think that he is better than other people.  he chooses to tell really racist jokes, drink alchol to excess, smoke and curse like a salior when it suuits him but then he posts a film clip on his my space that does have a great message in it about the love jesus has for each one of us and then he completes this with a disertation on how everyone needs to see this and get the message and he can help them "turn their lives around"  if they need to find jesus they can email him and he will lead them there!!!!!!! I just wish he would find jesus first because he is ending up just like his dad a big joke, the kind of so called Christian that makes other people say if that 's what its all about then leave me out of it.  UGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 it just makes me soooooo frustrated! 
posted to life by Bobbie, Gigolo of Wild Parties (1 comment)

'Thank you so much, I love it' was the last lie i can remember. 
posted to society by Kadnyce, Garçon of Good (16 comments)

what do i do? i like him. well i did. i liked him soo much i cried over him cuz i thought id never be with him. and then he finally started talking to  me. I was so happy that he simply acknowledged me, but it didn't stop there. Then he asked me out. It was seriously a cinderellla story.  I was the little geek that had had so many different personalities because she was insecure, and finally she was secure.... and the guy who had made her suffer for a year came on to me.  Now I keep hoping some part of me was left behind like cinderella's glass slipper for him to pick up and one day he'll come back looking for me.  another problem... he doesn't have that far to look if he decides to because being a highschool student, we end up in 4 of my 6 classes together.  my school is huge... but noo we have to be in the same classes.  in the beginning of the school year i just wanted to cry everytime i saw him. I gave almost everything for him - some of the best friends i have ever had, my security because i never knew if i was right for him, my summer, and my phone bill. This all would be fine really, if I hadn't messed it up.  In the beginning of school i trashed him like no other, maybe because i was heartbroken or maybe for another reason.  This started huge fights between us which ended all hope of us working out.  I gave up regretting things for a while, but this is one thing i think i will always regret.  I just need a time machine to turn it around and fix all those memories i have in my head of things i did wrong with him.  Or maybe i could have someone come and erase all of those memories that still make me smile so i can forget him  i've tried to move on, but i can't get away from him. he's every where, literally.  is there a way to fix me? because if there is ill take any advice.   sincerely, desperately dreaming of cinderella 
posted to relationships by Stevie, Farmer of Arts and Crafts (1 comment)

A really shitty love song just came on the radio, and I thought I wonder if he thinks of me when he hears this song?  Every fucking thing reminds me of you.  Cut it out!
posted to relationships by Bobbie, Butcher of the Hungry (1 comment)

I get this knot in my stomach, everytime after I’ve seen Jason. I can’t stand it. I thought this time I won’t even be interested in him. This time will be the last time we hang out. I think this almost everytime we hang out. I have been thinking this for over a month. And then everytime it’s fucking amazing. He arrives and I find myself nervous even though we’ve been dating like 4 months. We hadn’t seen each other in a week and a half. I was trying not to see him and he didn’t seem to really try to see me either. I thought I am dreading this. I am probably not going to be interested this time and won’t want to sleep with him, but probably will anyway out of habit. But that was not the case either. So we meet and all I can think about is how much I like him and want to sleep with him and be near him. I am like a pathetic little puppy dog. I can’t think of anything to talk about. Fortunately he carries the conversation this time. A problem we usually have of a lack of conversational flow. But not this time. This time he is on a roll. I have a drink and we head to his place to watch a movie. It’s so nice to cuddle up and be near each other. I feel so happy. (but I promise this drug is a temporary high that will leave me sick for days) Then we head to sleep, which means we lay in bed pretend we are going to sleep but really are going to have sex, oh the catholic types. And I can’t even wait for him to start things I immediately kiss him. The sex is amazing. Very hot. Afterwards, we cuddle and sleep. It’s so nice to be held. I have really missed this. All of it…then the next morning arrives. I never sleep well. I get up exhausted and get ready for work. As I am about ready to leave, he struts around naked. I want to fuck him again, but I won’t. We kiss deeply several times. I touch him to show a bit of playfulness and then I leave. All I can think about it what an amazing time I had…and the knot in my stomach begins again. I tense up, I feel a pang inside me. I can’t focus. I am feeling high and euphoric. I am totally and utterly infatuated with this boy. I have no control. I think he has all the control. I think he is the one manipulating me. He is the one who doesn’t care. At work he messages me “hi hottie, you left me wanting more…I had to go satisfy myself after you left”. I think to myself, I suppose that is a good way to leave things, him wanting more. Him not being able to get more until he returns from his trip. Although I probably shouldn’t, I tell him I am really hot for him and he returns the compliment. Although I know I will see him again, I still have this fear I won’t and yet why am I worrying about that anyway. Again I feel I have no control. The only control I have it not to be able to be reached. To ignore, to let him know I am desirable and continue to date others, others I am not interested in. Others that I want myself to feel attraction for so I can escape these feelings I have. The feelings I have for someone who is dangerous for me. Someone who leaves me hanging, who makes me feel ill for days afterwards. And just when I think I am cured, I inject myself again and find my addiction. I can’t breath. I can’t think I can only obsess about the next high I want.
posted to life by Frankie, Druid of the Poor (1 comment)

i thought this was sorta stupid at fist, my sister blogs alot and i never really found the point of it. but honestly its the perfect way to litterally SPILL yourself out and NOT get judged, hurt by the answers your asking for n what not.. anyway heres my story. I thought i was in love for the first time my freshman year in high school I was young, naive and a virgin. So i met this cute boy- skater punk straight edge* exactly what i needed at the time to get my life back togethe ( i decided i'd smoke weed in middle school & write about it in my journal until my mom read that journal & grounded me for the ENTiRE summer no lie 3 months of cartoons.). we broke up a very very ugly break up & it ended up resulting in him sleeping with my best friend ( she was a random girl at the time this is now 5 yrs later) so anyway he was a little boy. & thats all he was a horny one @ that. anyway after Luke (total random name) i became.. how do i say thiss.... permiscuoise? s/p that one. anyway a handful & a half later i met him. the one guy i new i could't have he was 19 at the time i was 17 a junior in high school. He didnt go to the school hes a drop out ha. I met him through my best friend Hilary ( random name) same best friend that slept wit little boy luke. i promise hil and myself i wouldnt sleep with him for two weeks. i didnt see the point i had enough one night stands & drunken mistakes for any 17 yr old girl to totally regret. & i didnt want enother one i was done with all that bull i wanted a boyfriend to kiss goodngiht & know he wasnt in bed iwth enother girl the next night.. so i made his ass wait. ery glad i did. well the second month we started dating i got pregnant. i was a 17 yr old junior in high school that was prego with a boy she barely even knew. i aborted it.which i guess was a good decision. i mean im 19 now with a great relationship lasting exactly 2 yrs 4 months =c) im in college i just got my keys back to my old store. life is sweet. i do regret it at the time i mean...  i feel like i took a life because honestly i was stupid and a irresponsible teenager. im ovewe itnow..untill i think about it likeia m right now... soo i try not to think about it. ok so i have more to confess. we had sex for the first timelike 3 weeks into our realtionship... the "it" measered at about 5 weeks... so either it was gunna be one DIESEL baby.. or it wasnt his & i put him through so many things... and i dont think it was his. thats the confession.no knows. NO ONE. because NO ONE knows that the week befor we started dated i 1. brok eup with the kid iw as dating & sleepingw ith for mitch(r/n i dont remember if i named him if not this is the one im with now) anywhoo... 2. slept with stupid skater boy & 3. gae it up to mike. so ya ok i was still "risque" @ that point to. damn. anyway my point. The baby that you thought we were prengant with has a 65 % chance it wasnt even yours. there its out. k so on we broke up (asshole) i went on a vacation with my other best friend ally an hooked up w/ her brother ( i was drnk & caught up int he moment i didnt hae sex w/ him but i might as well should've & also it sounds like im a whore. i am nahhht i swear ) so mitch found out .. a yr later  oopeessss & got pissed.now at this point in our relationship things were good.. pure.. even though we broke up & i hooked up with that kid on vaca.. the trust was stil there. he cheated on me. while we were dating. it hurt. it still does. but i totally forgave the jackass. i dont like change it freaks me out wicked bad... probly why i commute to a college thats like 50 miles away ... i hate chnge its my one fear. & yea mad props if your still reading this ha. so where was i oh yes the mcdonalds skank. he cheated on me @ aome stupid party where he drank way to much & smoked that wacky tabacky wayy to much ( strike #3 for me i hate drugs itts DUMB) anyway so he did it he cheated. he was very honest and very sweet actually.. im scared. im scared its gonn happen again totally out of the blue like it had. i recently put my entire trustinto him which is hard i hate trusting people. anyway 3 months later we were at his friends house & he sraight up brok eup with me 2 weeks shy of our 2 yr anniversary. I was the only onewith a job at the time so i was the one tht bout the pats tickets and the expensive hotel in foxboro -> im the duech that got ripped out of like 250 bucks. anyway im tryin to put this all in a nutshell... we broke up & never got along better.. except for the times he went to the bqr & didnt feel the need to ever tell me. which i wouldnt care im not the type to be like im the controling girlfriend taht doesnt allow you to do what you want ....nahhtt what i wanna be like. so we broke up & went back out like  few months later & here we are now 4 months later. hes sweet about 95 % of the time. but when he isnt like wen he doesnt get his way or stupid things like his ipod isnt working or he ant get any wackally tabacilllyy hes mean. straight flat out mean. he yells. he puts me down. hes supportive and not controlling but oh yea him n hil .. well we all know my bff hil has a history of going after my boyfriends they flirt ALL the time. and sometimes i think its just because its in her personality or that she only sees her b/f 40 % of her time.. but still. hes mine. like it or not. she writes on his coffee cups and like makes fun of him in that same 18 yr old way we use to act to boys when we;d party at the pit like stupid stuff i know i shouldnt worry about.. but once a cheater always a cheater right? hes really sweet.. but theres something thats not right. i can feel it.     its late. i hae to get up ass early to me mitch & im tired.. shluutaa
posted to relationships by Yoko, Knight of Generosity (1 comment)

Recovering Cutter

confession
I haven't cut myself in a long time.  Three years in Februrary to be exact.  Yet it's all I can think about. Everytime I close my eyes I picture ribbons of blood running down my arms and legs.  Whenever I'm upset all I want to do is run a razor blade through my skin.  It's so calming to feel the pain.  Even when I get a small cut by accident I dig my fingernail in it a little bit just because I miss the feeling so much. I don't tell anyone I used to cut because if I slip up and do it again I won't have to face their disappointment in me.  It's not like I ever did it for the attention.  It's quite the opposite.  I used to cut my legs and stomach so no one could see it, and if I did happen to cut my wrist I wore a wristband to cover it.  I always did it for myself.  It was just a way to take back control when my world started collapsing. I had a friend in high school who had to go to a mental institution for a little while because of her cutting.  One of our other friends and I told a teacher who told a counselor and so on and so forth.  And as her parents came to pick her up from school I just held my shirt tight to my stomach and swollowed down that feeling of being an absolute hypocrite.  I thought I could control it better than her.  I continued to cut for three more years. So now I struggle with trying not to do it, but not wanting to tell anyone I need help.  Part of me is worried that if I tell people they'll think I'm crazy.
posted to life by Addison, Druid of the Lonely (8 comments)

im falling in love with this guy who's supposedly a complete player. i haven't known him for long but i'm falling in love with him. he texts me and calls me babe, and we almost hooked up at a dance last night. but i shouldnt love him, because he lives in a different town and he wont date anybody from here cause he doesn't live here anyways. i could always go back to my ex-bf, whos still in love with me, but this guy is holding me back.  i hate this, i want to break down and cry.
posted to relationships by Blaine, Student of the Forgotten Lands (3 comments)

When a girl get a ring from the man she loves, its an exciting day! Everyone wants to see it and talk to you, ask you about setting the date, when are they going to have grandkids...  For me, it was overwhelming. I felt like I was sufficating. I knew earlier that day that he was going to ask me, and I almost wanted to tell him please don't. It's not as if I should have been suprized. We were living together, I talked about marrying him all the time, we even looked at rings. But at that moment when I knew he was going to ask me, I felt sick. We didn't even have sex that night...we never have sex anymore. The next day at work, everyone was asking me about it and crouding around me, I thought i was going to have a panic attack. I could not breath, I could not think. I just wanted to cry, and be alone. But instead I had to come into work the day after I got engaged, for a place that dispise, so that I can get a paycheck. When I look back, we should have taken that time to spend together.  He used to be so romantic.  Now...we don't even go to bed together. He works late, by the time he gets home im in bed. Im up early to go to class, and hes asleep.  I know that I love him in my heart. He is a good man. But it's so hard sometimes. Sometimes i feel like I could get in the car and never look back. At the same time, part of me feels like I couldn't survive without him.
posted to relationships by Reggie, Warlord of Generosity (4 comments)

In a few months, I'll be graduating from college. I haven't done much in the way of graduate school, though I'm dying to get my Master's in Public Health. I just don't think I'll get in anywhere right now. So I'm checking out job opportunities for now. What does this have to do with relationships? I'm in love with a guy with whom I've had a stagnant friendship for the past year now. He graduated last year and didn't know what he wanted to do, so he stuck around for a year and got a job in a bigger city 30 minutes away. Next year, it's almost guaranteed he'll be in seminary at BU. The job that's the most appealing, and the one for which I'm the most qualified, is in West Bridgewater, right outside of Boston.  It would be great if we were actually dating for me to be so close my year off and then I'd most likely attempt to go to BU for grad school after that if we were still together. Well, our feelings have waxed and waned, battled obstacles and everything, and we still keep coming back to one another. We are so obviously wonderful for each other. Last year, I had the emotional maturity level of a three year old, and he got me to finally change my thinking after a decade through just a talk. Because he was jilted by love at the start of his sophomore year, he's been a whore for the past two years and is finally changing his ways because of me, and we've never even been intimate. Something about us makes us want to be better because we know we deserve it and not just for the other person, you know? However, for the past year we haven't been able to get anything together. My fears and insecurities blocked his advances in 2007, and now his are blocking mine this year. The first time he attempted to take me home, I was afraid (because I was/still am a virgin), and I didn't want to get my feelings hurt when I knew he would have sex with me and never talk to me again. After that, when I confessed I loved him, he confronted me about my emotional immaturity and said he could never date me seriously until I was more mature. So I changed. Mostly for me, but he was the jumpoff point. The second time, eight months later, I was completely willing and had decided to give him what no other man could claim as a thank you for helping me overcome years of baggage, but he had seen my transformation and, though it was in his nature to try, didn't want to have sex with me because he wanted to be better for me first. His fears and self-hate had caught up to him and he finally wanted to be rid of it. Soon after, he told me that he was giving up sex for the year because it was the part of him that made him hate himself, and he didn't want to do it anymore. The most frustrating part about all of this is that he is currently holding me in limbo when it comes to the prospect of a relationship. He has the same mentality I had last year: that while he changes, the world will lie in a Sleeping Beauty state, and as soon as he's transformed, he can enter back into it and no one's changed but him. In the meantime, he'd had two girlfriends, and I nearly lost him for good. The second girl is what actually made me realize that he wasn't sitting around waiting for me to finally get it together (I absolutely knew the first wouldn't last, so somehow I wasn't worried even though I was jealous). I asked him if we'd ever be anything more, and he said that maybe in a few months he'd would get enough sense to go after me. Since I haven't dated anyone this whole time, it's in his mind that I won't, and I'll be available for whenever he finally gets himself together, but I'm getting tired of being alone. Even though I love him. I'm tired of nothing and him or I always in the way of us. But because I love him, I can't just go. I need him to tell me that it's okay. I need the confirmation to move on. I had planned to make him promise me something or let me go, but then he quit his job, and I can't kick him while he's down with something else that's also stressful. So therein lies my dilemma. If I get the amazing job in WB while he's in Boston, and I'm both not dating anyone and he denied me or keeps me in limbo, I'll be utterly miserable. Because until he lets me go, I'll just lead on someone else until he wants me. Why can't we get it together? They're for great reasons, but I just want more. It's definitely not my first choice to move on because I know he wants to be with me eventually. But he's trying to deny all his passions and thinks that'll work when I know firsthand it won't. And meanwhile my heart is starting to just ache dully over the thought of waiting anymore when there are so many guys who like me and I deny them waiting on him.
posted to relationships by Samantha, Templar of the craft table (0 comments)

Well, where to begin.... About 2 years ago, fresh out of high school, I started to party to an extreme. I mean, it was something like tuesday thru sunday. It was bad. I didn't realize it then, but I do now. I started talking to a man that is much older than me. I always thought something was not right with him, I would bring it up, and he would flip out. Now I understand why.  So all this went on for about 2 years. Throughout those years, plenty of things had happened. And I would see him once in a while. Nothing big. We would fight about the same thing. He would blame me, and stop talking to me for a month or so. And I would tell him, that we were both to blame, and I was not going to take responsibility for his shit. And he knew what it is that he wanted to do.  It came to the point where he would tell me that he wanted to marry me. We were supposed to be engaged this winter. He was remodeling a house, so that we could live together, and start a family. But for some reason, I still doubted everything, I would sit across from him, and he would make all these promises of unconditional love. And I would hate him, hate him, and every word that came out of his mouth. In my mind he was up to something, and whatever it was, I was going to come out a winner. I didnt' know what it was that i was going to win, but I was! I haven't seen him for sometime, almost a year. We still kept in contact via e-mail. He would try and tell me this and that, how he cared, how we should make it work, and then another day he would say, lets just be friends. I was so mad, I didn't want anything from him. I felt lonely, in a way, because I had moved. I was, in a way, good to hear from him. But I was done, done with him and his mind games. Not so long ago. I received an e-mail from a woman claiming to be his wife. She wrote me all this crap about who he was, and how bad he was to her, and that she needed me to confirm her doubts. She talked about him one way, and he presented himself in a completely different matter. She continued to mention how wonderful she was, because of her financial status, her looks, and her education. I didn't want to deal with her. I told her off. She was looking in the wrong place for simpathy. I told her I didn't care. I was not part of her life. That if he was everything she had said, why was she with him in the first place. I wrote to him, told him to get her off my back. He flipped. I told him, I you have nothing to hide, why get mad? So we ended up exchanging some not very nice words. And no, I don't feel bad. You live, and you might learn. All I can say is I did. So from now on, I only trust me. And I came to realize, God gave us an intuition, so how about we make good use of it.
posted to relationships by Max, Peasant of Justice (3 comments)

People come and go thru out your life who act as if they give a shit about what you want when in reality they care as long as it is what they want when it isnt they blow up i dont know when it became about what people want and not what you do and when they really quit caring
posted to life by Frankie, Ship Master of Justice (1 comment)

i have friends. i have plenty of them. my parents are still married and love each other and me. my brother is amazing and has his life together. everyone i know supports me. no one really hates me and if they do i know how to deal with them and its not that big of a deal. I HAVE AN ABOVE AVERAGE LIFE...but im kind of suicidal. all my friends have better friends or something. me and my best friend miranda had this tradition that nothing could break, every friday we'd go play pool, even though we arent that good. well everysince she got engaged to her boyfriend (shes 15 hes almost 18) thats all she does is hang out with him. hes living with two other really good friends of mine, justin and amanda. theyre married, so shes always over there. where am i? at home. we have plans to go to college together! i mean, we're soooo tight!! i make her laugh and she's never not been there for me. we love eachother. but its friday. its the 6th friday in a row that we havent got out to play pool. because her boyfriend and his roommates are broke. i call her. everyday. and what is she doing? just sitting there with her boyfriend. just at walmart with her boyfriend. just watching tv with her boyfriend. THAT USED TO BE ME!!! hes not even good for her. he never sticks to anything he says and he doesnt let her go out because he gets mad when another guy looks at her. he doesnt like any of her friends and hes got no career ahead of him! SHE USED TO CALL ME. she never does. i always call. if i dont, i dont talk to her for as long as i keep my phone away from my face. RIGHT NOW I DONT CARE WHO IT IS!! IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT!! she doesnt know what she does to me. her boyfriend is jealous enough. she doesnt need to know i am. theyre probably having sex right now. fuck her. fuck him. fuck me. --just_another_someone12
posted to life by Dakota, Priest of the Lonely (2 comments)

This life

confession
Hi (won't write your name here)   please try to understand I just can't do it anymore - I haven't seen my sister for more then two months and heard nothing dirfectly from her, who is very important for me havn't seen people whom would like to see again very much   I miss so much   last week I had flue, now is ok and work but just can't - so lonely and just no sence, I don't need just money or something else for job, it is more - the team and people, just feel lost as I see not a lot in  coomon with whom working now (they are very good) but can't forget years of work and still remember and want get back     it meant so much for me, so significant part of life, and nothing can fill it yet nothing is better  and hardly can be as good relations with the sister and old friends   i just feel that something - everything!!! - is wrong, everything stopped - maybe only for me - don't know do you want to hear it more but sometimes just very very hard - because I don't what to do - can change a job or get accuantated with new someone else but can't do anything with missing that ones whom know for a very long time and who means inconceivably a lot for me, just to be myself and feel happy I can't just throw away all memories and forget part of life     honestly - i am crying writing this, can't sleep and can't do anything else now and if want to know I miss you too for me job there meant doing interesting creative things (without what just life is not interesting and full enough) + people who are great and whom I love, who can understand me and know me for a long time, who shares interests, whom can trust while around so lot of interesting and new things - I need so much to save that good what was before   I want to go to see my sister tomorrow     all this makes me suffering while I can't do anything, share what I feel about it - show I am absolutely able to do something good to and for people whom I wrote about     this is what I think and feel and wish to change it very much and be happy and with what I am striving already for months maybe if you tried imaging no communication with your brothers or sisters you could have an impression I am not taking any drugs apart from flue, no alcohol, just feel very sad as I wished to change what is now and to be differently all this is like a bleeding wound which stops bleeding for sometime but keeps continueing later and it hurts   me. 
posted to life by Taylor, Venture Capitalist of Musclebeasts (0 comments)

  When her partner's medical condition got worse and worse and while she was in hospital undergoing life-saving surgery Pauline C maxed out her partners credit cards.  Because she was saved from the jaws of death this all finally came to light, but the boys in blue say although there is a crime the victim is not fit enough to stand up in court, so the CPS will throw it out.  that PC person where she has run to will get away with it and then do it to some one else, she has done it before to a person she lived with in Belfast, she boasted about it.  The victim of this henous act is now for the first time in her life with bad credit and will have to be bankrupted.  the evidence is their to link her with fraud and with serial non paying of her debts. how do we make her pay for what she has inflicted on some helpless   *** EDITED BY ADMINISTRATOR TO REDACT PERSONAL INFORMATION ***
posted to life by Brett, Observer of Generosity (2 comments)

bothered..

rant
past 2-3 weeks been a bitch.extra depressed,nervous, moody as hell.an old friend from school died almost 2 weeks ago.seem's to have killed herself.it's got me even more gloomy.i cut my arm 1st time in 3 mnths. last week.i needed and had to have some sorta instant relief,even if only for 2 fuckin minutes.people close to me don't get it to how much this friends death has  got me more upset.maybe i should just 'get over it'.hell i'm already the worse whiney ass fuckin crybaby.i hate being sop damn sensitive.anyone reads this,yeah it's just another fuckin self pity rant.seeing someone tomorrow( i hope.)that i can dump on....yeah my T.but i'll probley get all nervous n shit and won't get a damn thing out.and all i want to do is spill my guts out and get all this bs outta me.even that seems hopeless.because i'm such scared,weak whimp.
posted to life by Andy, Rockstar of the Irredeemably Moist (0 comments)

i'm afraid my husband is falling out of love with me.  my voiced concerns are met with exasperated sighs, slamming doors and walking away.  he rarely responds to them unless prompted and even then doesn't typically say anything besides "i don't know" or "i'm not sure".  most days feel like we're strangers cohabitating.  he can't think of anything he wants to do and turns down any offers i make for hanging out. we haven't even been married a year. i don't know what to do.
posted to relationships by Taylor, Keeper of Imagination (4 comments)

sooo.. men

rant
i've reached it, my relationship peak. Yes, the part that turns every relationship into your worst nightmare. Everything he does, says, or doesnt do or say, just makes you so mad. I dont know what to do, i love him, but things are fadding, ive tried to talk to him and he just doesnt get what im saying, how do you say in words, hi love me? but not be a needy bitch , how do you tell a man that hes not the man you fell in love with ... how do you even talk to men to begin with
posted to life by Bowie, Chef of the Hungry (5 comments)

How do you tell you best friend, someone who has been by your side since 1st grade, that she is acting like a whore!? H, as I will call her, never,NEVER, used to be that way. She totally got fucked up when she dated asshole #1. She was young, he was controlling. All they did was fight and fuck. She and he broke up and she's just been on a slut streak! Last week she told me she was driving to App State to hook up with this guy she hadn't seen in two years! That is like a 2 1/2 hour drive by the way! Not to mention when she made the mistake of sleeping with that guy in the first place he gave her an STD!!! Is that not gross? Who does something like that? Is it that good that you want to go get the pussy rot, AGAIN!?
posted to relationships by Stevie, Venture Capitalist of the IT department (2 comments)

So I met this guy and he seemed awesome. Prettymuch perfect, good job, nice car, good looks, took care of himself, loved the same kind of music, etc. We "hooked up" the first night we met and it was the best sex I've ever had. So it just seemed soo perfect that I got these huge stars in my eyes and was totally blinded!! We had a couple more dates and such and I realized he was not really emotionally there. Very distant and such and I took it as him being disinterested, so i let him know that I felt we wouldn't work out as a relationship. I lied and said I didn't want a relationship right now so I wouldn't seem like a bitch. But that's exactly what I want, I think. Anyways, eventually we agreed to become friends with benefits because I think we both know that sex like that does not come often. I've never done the whole "friends with benefits" thing so I hope I can do it without becoming emotionally attached. I still wonder if I do go through with it, will i be hurting myself by being with someone that I once thought would be so great or is it okay to have healthy dreams knowing the circumstances? 
posted to relationships by Taylor, Manager of Darkness (1 comment)

whats wrong with me

confession
I am beautiful, smart and confident. I can hold a conversation, i believe in things, i have standards, i pay attention and care about what is going on in the world. I have had one serious relationship. I'm pretty confident he never loved me, just the idea and misconception that he had in his head of me. I'm begining to think i am going to be alone forever. I love me, I think I am great, I just don't know why I haven't found anyone else that feels the same way about me.
posted to life by Dana, Elementalist of the Lonely (7 comments)

I swear, every single person I know is getting engaged.  i think i'm going to throw up the next time i see someone engaged on facebook.  these girls have been dating their boyfriends for like 3 months and are getting married. how do these guys afford these insanely beautiful engagement rings? i don't get it. i wish i were engaged. my boyfriend couldn't afford a crackerjack ring. i just hate my situation. i live at home with my parents, i'm not in grad school, no plans to get married or own a house. i feel so stuck like i'm going nowhere. i have nothing to look forward to. i stay at my boyfriend's all the time because it's freaking cold at my parents' house but i hate that too because it's not my home. i don't belong there. i can't even go to home places like pier 1 without getting upset because i want to buy things but i have nowhere to put them. i feel l ike if i moved in with my boyfriend he'd never ask me to marry him, i'd just be his roommate. i should probably go to grad school but i don't feel like it. i never have any energy. i hate working and hate responsibility and dealing with insurance companies. why am i wishing my weeks away for the weekend? all i do is sit around and watch tv and do nothing. i need to move out of this city. it's too cold and nothing ever happens here.
posted to life by Adrian, Manager of Justice (1 comment)

Identicons

rant
So how do these things work? Does the site remember your IP address?
posted to life by Ari, Hunter of Generosity (2 comments)

things to tell Jess 2 i was saving this bottle of chianti for you - but i am trading it to Miss K. for a 20 bag of weed tonight - i really just wanna get high and try to forget my current worries....its night 1 of not talking to you at all...and i already am afraid that you won't really miss me very much and your love will fade quickly....i can get another bottle of wine from work at any time..just lemme know if you want it... wow i needed that! i'm not a pothead - you do know that right?? it can just really help clear your mind sometimes...and times like this...stressful times, the bad stress or the good stress or the both of them combined like today...the you thing, the dad thing, the school thing, the whole quarter life crisis thing...i had it one year late! i was always sort of a late bloomer...i was the last one of my friends to get hair on his armpits....but you know what i mean right? the whole like "what the hell am i doing with my life right now...?" sort of self realization....i have kind of been in that funk for a few weeks now...but i'm out there smoking a cigarette with the kitty (who i put a hilarious chicken hat on and took some pictures...remind me to show you those)...k, i degressed and i started thinking about and whether or not you think this letter-like-thing is really stupid...but i'm just going to be as unselfconscious as i can possibly be about everything...k so anyways, i was out there smoking a cigarette (ha again, I am definitely going to quit...take the chantix and quit..its worked for everybody i know..but i really need the nicotine right now until i get out of this shitty state of mind i've been in lately) and i was just out there by myself and kind of just talking to myself in my head and..i don't know if it was a revelation or not, but i think being some sort of doctor would be pretty awesome, i thought about it and i saw myself being so happy at the end of the day knowing that i helped someone today in a huge way, or I saved someones life today...how fucking awesome would that be?!?! god! so i'm gonna look it up online for a bit and see what kind of things I could actually do...ha, i just now finally looked down at my hands and they looked so far away..MARIJUANA! k so i got a little distracted by some bad comedian on comedy central...but i did look up a bit of the whole doctor thing...thats a lot more school...psychiatrist of some sorts would still require a lot more classes...goddamn this fucking comedian right now..."YOU GOTTA GET TO KNOW SOMEONE BEFORE YOU GET IN LOVE....." that's what he said!! hahaha...... read through the last long email you sent me earlier today...you're a really good writer!! i wish i could talk like i write.....thats such a rare quality to have, i guess i just never knew many people who could do that....you do it though, you really do...weird, another thing i love about you....but the song i wrote to you in the last email, i'll explain it the way i see it...ha, i just remembered now that I always kinda hated english/poetry/language arts.reading classes when i was in school....it was always my least favorite subject...probably just because i didn't really care much to read when i was little...but i would love it now....i digressed again, and got onto another topic..i always have weird psychic VERY VERY dejavu experiences....and i really think that its stuff that I dream about because i can clearly remember seeing or hearing the EXACT same thing while I am doing the EXACT same task or whatever....just now, I was staring at the -i dont even know what you call it "jar" of bubbles...hmm i dont know what you would call that..anyways... im staring at bubbles - fingers on the keyboard - eddie murphy on tv - barter said goodnight (he was here tonight!) - kayla jumped off of speaker and went into kitchen... and the whole 10 seconds of my life felt so incredibly familiar, enough so that without having to take my eyes off the bubbles, i had time to recognize the dejavu and KNOW that kayla was going to make a weird purr noise and run into the kitchen before she made a weird purr noise and ran into the kitchen... i had to go back and read that part, i dont know if i was making sense at all...but that happens to me a LOT...dead serious, 4-5 times a week...i always kind of feel that for brief moments I can actually control the way the world turns...like that was my 10 seconds of the day to rule the universe...hahahahaha...or its just - and i cant remember who said this to me, but - dejavu is some strange thing that just lets you know that you are exactly where you should be at that point in time - i wish i remember who told me that...i'm pretty sure that i can buy that, i can believe that...but seriously, what the hell is it and why does it happen?? i don't really believe in ghosts i don't think - but something...some other reality...everytime i even think the word ghost i think of my friend Matt Smalls..maybe i do believe in ghosts... well i had dreams that i could help my friend matt before he died in a couple of my dreams...and i remembered those dreams...and then he died...he had drug problems...we were like best friends in highschool, then college came around and he fell into the wrong crowd at Uconn...he was valedictorian of highschool... its amazing how easy it is to get kayla inside the house after she goes outside with me...shake the can, pull one out, toss it, she falls for it every time... but this kid from Jr.s Diner just im'd me to say whatsup...and i just remembered what a traumatizing thing that whole junior's diner fiasco was...i was big into blogging...i've done this before...a few years ago...i wanted to talk to my dad and make myself better, but i didn't have the balls too i guess or i just wasn't ready in some immature way...so i was blogging - just writing my thoughts on paper for everyone to see..i had a lot of good stuff on there too, but one day i blogged about the people at work, i was very general and never once said anyones name or position - but it was obvious that it was all the old ass waitresses at work that i worked with during the day...and none of them were harmful or at least i didn't feel that they could be...and i was getting such response - at the time the band had a pretty large following and i had people i didn't even know reading my blogs and basically just encouraging me to write more of them....at the peak of these blogs (you really really would have loved them and i WISH i had them saved - but i had to delete my profile from myspace and i'm pretty sure i never kept them) I was getting 1000 people a day reading them.  1000 different people read and enjoyed my writing and expressing myself every day for a couple of weeks straight until it came to crashing end....1000 people - this is true it was the most absolute flattered that I have ever been in my life....but one day I had just a terrible day at work and wrote it a little differently and a little bit more mean than funny...and one of my managers and his shitkick little of a son  were secretly waiting for me to fuck up the whole time...i didn't know that people who weren't your friends on ******* could view your profile..nobody gave me that memo....so they printed them all out after a couple weeks of me doing one every day...and they brought them in to show the waitresses - i called out that day BEFORE i knew that this had happened....im very glad i was not at work that day...i have yet to show my face there again and could care less if i do....but anyways...the whole experience set me back a long ways after i was taking steps in the right direction for my well being...words really are a great thing, but I guess I hurt a lot of people at once with those words...some people loved it and the people who werent ever supposed to see it until it was a hit tv show or something did see it and these were people i saw every day and who actually liked me after working with them for a while...i didn't not like them, i just used them to express myself...hmm do you understand what i am saying??  i was having i guess the ol quarter life crisis a couple years ahead of schedule but never took the right steps to get out of it - like talk to my dad - i found another way of getting by it by blogging and it was really making me happy - and having people read my blogs every day (there were only a few about the waitresses, the other ones that got overwhelming response were rants about various other subjects) wasn't the thing that was making me happy, it was writing down my thoughts and sharing them with someone besides myself that made me happy)  but i stopped when i found out that i hurt those ladies and that because of something i said they suddenly hated me!  it was a huge step backwards and i didn't really step back until you woke me up.... what is dejavu though? seriously...
posted to relationships by Adrian, Keeper of Darkness (2 comments)

My husband had an affair.  He assures me that he didn't love the woman, that it was only sex.  Ok, if that's true, then what is it that we do?  I mean, it sure isn't "making love".  Whoever came up with that term is a jackass, by the way.  But how do you make that division?  With one person it is to show love and affection and with another it is "just sex"?  If you are on the phone with someone for hours a day and then proceed to have sex with them, then how do you say that you don't care for them?  If you are willing to lie to your wife's face, kiss your kids goodbye and then go fuck someone, how is that a meaningless relationship?  Is that a man thing?  They can compartmentalize life that way?  Wife and kids here, love them.  Whore here, just fucking her?  And whatever happened to loyalty?  I feel guilty when I switch hair stylists, but my husband can go and screw some random chick for a few months, confess it to me and everything is supposed to be okay?  Because one day he felt bad about it?  I know this is a different subject but so what.. You know what really cracks me up is all the people who are totally against gay marriage because it would ruin the sanctity of the marriage vows... blah blah blah??  What about hetero couples who shit on those vows every day?  Are they going to start punishing people who commit adultry.  Hell no.  That's how fucked up this country is. Gay people can't get married to whom they love because they are gay, but straight people can marry whomever they please and divorce as many times as they want.  Sanctity of marriage, my ass.
posted to relationships by Bobbie, Superintendent of the Irredeemably Moist (2 comments)

clean up..

advice
i'm having a bit of a spring clean of my life not a complete change because i know i'm already headed in the right direction - if things get polished up a bit, it can be perfection. almost.
posted to life by Ari, Janitor of the Homeless (0 comments)

How would you feel if every day you woke up, the only reason you got dressed, ate breakfast and got out of the house was because you thought that maybe today he will find me. Maybe today he will see me and tell me how much he loves me and how great I am. I can feel he's there by the pull in my heart. Right now there's a void that's pulling me apart. I want it to be filled so i can be whole again. I don't want just anyone, although that's what I've been settling for, i want a love that even time will stand still for. Find me soon, before it's too late...
posted to life by Blaine, Templar of Arts and Crafts (2 comments)

well im not sure if this would go under advice but i just wanna talk about this.  About a year and a half ago a good childhood friend of mine commit suicide on his back porch with a power extension cord for his father to find. No one really knows why he did this. he left all his friends a voicemail saying his last goodbyes i just wis he had my number because he only lives down the street. The sad thing is we started to grow apart and didnt talk much but i always remember when we were little. but anyways on the night he commit suicide the police said he had done it around 430 and oddly enough i had waken up suddenly that very morning for no reason and looked at the night. i woke as if i had a horrible nightmare. now when i think about his death i think maybe i was suppose to do something.   o just had this on my mind after listening to more than a feeling by boston and reading about the singers suicide i just had to let this out.
posted to life by Ari, Druid of the craft table (4 comments)