my husband is flipping out because our daughter and a black guy (we are white) really like each other. I have met him he is a very nice boy. Dad just blares out about how wrong it is. How can we raise our children in an EQUAL society yet flip out if one of our children crosses the lines? We teach our kids equality no matter what the race or religion yet turn right around and are hypocrites. Do I dare mention that many years ago it was my husband seeing a black woman? so its right for him is not for his kids!!!!!!
So my boyfriend I broke up a week ago today, and I'm feeling really down in the dumps. He said he wasn't ready to be with anyone after going home for a week and hanging out with his old friends that reminded him of his old girlfriend. But we were fine before this. He would drive 2-3 hours to come and see me, and I would do the same. And now he says this and we haven't had contact since. Am I not seeing this for what it truly is, or is he hurting too? I truly cared for him and I know he did for me as well, so that's why this hurts so much...
Well were do i start. My mum is a home care worker basicly that is someone who goes to disabled and elderly peoples houses and helps them she has many people that she sees. What Happened My mum had a client i will call him Mr B, He was elderly and she looked after him regularly. Mr B had a son who is 57 he is called E my mum started a freindship with him and they grew close, as friends (apparently) MR B died at the end of last year You must all know that my mum has 3 kids myself 20 and 2 other kids under 18 she is married to my dad and This "friendship" sparked off our problems. My Dad thought my mum was having an affair. My mum is not very cleaver and she is also dislexic she would hide Es mobile number as a code she would rip the spine of her addres book and write his number on the spine of the book. My dad found this and went mad and thats what really happened to get his mind thinking things were happening. My dad then found txt messages he got upset and asked her, She denied everything. I was worried she was liying and it started my mind to tick over. I started realising she was out later than nessasary coming back at 11 at night and weird times like that. I never said anything untill my dad left in September. I confrounted my mum she again denied everything and said there was nothing going on. Since My Dad left she has Es Number on her phone as one letter M. My mum asked me to phone her mum from her mobile I then saw the letter M i asked her who it was and she said it was work i believed this and thought nothing of it but a day later she answered the phone to M and locked herself in her room i then knew she had lied to me just over 2 weeks ago she confessed it was Es number. But she said she hadnt spoken to him in a long time. I didnt believe her 1 bit. Nows the big thing my mum for the past month and a half has been saying that she has being offered money to work late shifts at an elderly womans house looking after her during the night as she is very ill. HOW MUCH RUBBISH IS THAT. Today has worried me my mum wanted her phone toping up which i use my card and top it up by txt. I saw a txt. She told me that she was stoping over at this old womans house tonight shes not she is spending 5 hrs with E. According to the txt he will be picking her up at 7 Shes a liar and I hate her I dont know what to do my mind is on overdrive and i cant think i need some help my mum has FU**ED my life up and i just want to leave! I hope someone will read this and just think about your closest relatives they will lie and lie and lie. I hope this will help anyone And if anyone has any advice please add ur comments. Thank you K. x North East England UK
I spilled water on my iPod yesterday! It's friggin broken, and I can't listen to music, and, and... *sigh* Fuck.
A few Judicial rulings on the Scientology cult "Scientology is evil; its techniques are evil; its practice is a serious threat to the community, medically, morally, and socially; and its adherents are sadly deluded and often mentally ill... (Scientology is) the world's largest organization of unqualified persons engaged in the practice of dangerous techniques which masquerade as mental therapy." --Justice Anderson, Supreme Court of Victoria, Australia "The government is satisfied that Scientology is socially harmful. It alienates members of families from each other and attributes squalid and disgraceful motives to all who oppose it; its authoritarian principles and practice are a potential menace to the personality and well being of those so deluded as to become followers; above all, its methods can be a serious danger to the health of those who submit to them... There is no power under existing law to prohibit the practice of Scientology; but the government has concluded that it is so objectionable that it would be right to take all steps within its power to curb its growth." --Kenneth Robinson, British Minister of Health "The crime committed by these defendants is of a breadth and scope previously unheard of. No building, office, desk, or file was safe from their snooping and prying. No individual or organization was free from their despicable conspiratorial minds. The tools of their trade were miniature transmitters, lock picks, secret codes, forged credentials and any other device they found necessary to carry out their conspiratorial schemes." --Federal prosecutor's memorandum to the judge urging stiff jail sentences for 9 top leaders of Scientology who had pleaded guilty to criminal charges "Scientology is both immoral and socially obnoxious...It is corrupt sinister and dangerous. It is corrupt because it is based on lies and deceit and has its real objective money and power for Mr. Hubbard... It is sinister because it indulges in infamous practices both to its adherents who do not toe the line unquestionly and to those who criticize it or oppose it. It is dangerous because it is out to capture people and to indoctrinate and brainwash them so they become the unquestioning captives and tools of the cult, withdrawn from ordinary thought, living, and relationships with others." --Justice Latey, ruling in the High Court of London "[The court record is] replete with evidence [that Scientology] is nothing in reality but a vast enterprise to extract the maximum amount of money from its adepts by pseudo scientific theories... and to exercise a kind of blackmail against persons who do not wish to continue with their sect.... The organization clearly is schizophrenic and paranoid, and this bizarre combination seems to be a reflection of its founder, L.Ron Hubbard." --Judge Breckenridge, Los Angeles Superior Court "In addition to violating and abusing its own members' civil rights, the organization over the years with its 'fair game' doctrine has harassed and abused those persons not in the church whom it perceives as enemies." --Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Paul Breckenridge, June 1984, in the Gerry Armstrong case "In January 1980, fearing a raid by law enforcement agencies, Hubbard's representatives ordered the shredding of all documents showing that Hubbard controlled Scientology organizations, finances, personnel, or the property at Gilman Hot Springs. In a two week period, approximately one million pages were shredded pursuant to this order." --California appellate court, 2nd. district, 3rd. division, July 29, 1991, B025920 & B038975, Super. Ct. No. C 42015 "When a person is subjected to coercive persuasion [as in Scientology] without his knowledge or consent ...[he may] develop serious and sometimes irreversible physical and psychiatric disorders, up to and including schizophrenia, self-mutilation, and suicide." --California Supreme Court, United States v. Lee [455 U.S. 252,257,258 (1982)] "Substantial evidence supports the conclusion Scientology leaders made the deliberate decision to ruin Wollersheim economically and possible psychologically....We do not mean to suggest Scientology's retributive program... represented a full scale modern day 'inquisition.' Nevertheless there are some parallels in purpose and effect. 'Fair game,' like the 'inquisition,' targeted heretics. "Other testimony established Scientology is a hierarchal organization which exhibits near paranoid attitudes toward certain institutions and individuals -- in particular the government, mental health professions, disaffected members, and others who criticize the organization or its leadership... During trial, Wollersheim's experts testified Scientology's 'auditing' and 'disconnect' practices constituted 'brainwashing' and 'thought reform' akin to what the Chinese and North Koreans practiced on American prisoners of war... "Using its position as religious leader, the church and its agents coerced Wollersheim into continuing auditing even though his sanity was repeatedly threatened by this practice... Thus there is adequate proof the religious practice in this instance caused real harm to the individual and the appellant's outrageous conduct caused that harm... Church practices conducted in a coercive environment are not qualified to be voluntary religious practices entitled to first amendment religious freedom guarantees... "We hold that the state has a compelling interest in allowing its citizens to recover for serious emotional injuries they suffer through religious practices they are coerced into accepting. Such conduct is too outrageous to be protected under the constitution and too unworthy to be privileged under the law of torts." -California appellate court, 2nd district, 7th division, Wollersheim v. Church of Scientology of California, Civ. No. B023193 Cal. Super. (1986)
I am sick of fucking kids in my yard, treating it like a landfill and ruining my grass. I am sick of them throwing balls up against MY fucking house. These are not cute innocent little kids just playing they are preteen/ teen girls trying to see what they can get away with. Oh yea, this is a neighborhood no older than 5 years old with an HOA, not the Ghetto. So I guess it's time to be the snob I never wanted to be and look for a higher priced house. I am sick of inconsiderate fucking prick parents who let them do what they please. FUCK!!!!!!
my first blog ! today was amazing havent had fun like that in a long while all the walking and hiding to! not liking the raw fish! not for me! but finished the day smelling sweet! sorry pepys if you dont understand but she will miss ya yellow xx
I apologize for the curse words I know why I am posting this, and it is because I hope this will comfort someone. The last time one person made me feel like this I was sitting on a bench in elementary school, with my new Nike shoes, just to impress her. Even thought the shoes were oversized my confidence level was high. But As I try to kiss you, the commitment you made last week were being taken away. How can someone crush one feeling with brand new shoes new slick baby blue uniform and perked lips ready for you’re honey effin glazed to touch mine! After I snapped back to reality, I see that any fool can fall in love, but to fall in love with the right person is the challenge. Yeah, I the first this and the best at that, but now that the unseen force has put you’re true feelings in perspective…All I really want to do is give you a hug and laugh. I am truly sorry that I was not the one to make you fall in love or the one to bring utopia to you’re feet. But I really want to make this clear; Lying to someone while trying to be sincere and being caught is possibly the most disrespectful event that could happen to me. So in all serious sincerity I want to tell you this. Fuck You!
You are radiant like sunlight.
Your poetry memory is wonderful.
You can recall songs and poems which you have known before, line for line,
word for word, tune for tune. You can quote anything you have read twice.
You can read music.
Criticism does not affect you emotionally.
You are a magnificent writer who has thrilled millions.
Nothing bars you from writing.
Fears do not restrain you in any way in writing.
You know you "convinced" yourself
That writing is hard work. You know now that this "hard work" is a lie.
Writing is easy to you and nothing interferes.
Ability to drop into a trace state at will.
Remember clearly what you read.
Eyes and ulcers improving.
Faith in power and its necessity.
Ability to please women and have women.
Faith in own judgment.
Ability to dictate.
Ability to write on mill.
Ability to plot cleanly.
Lack of necessity of following pulp pattern.
You have no inertia which keeps you home or inactive.
You did a fine job in the Navy. No one there is now "out to get you." You
are through with its Navy and will utterly forget any derogatory instances.
You are psychic. You do not need to "press" to receive communication. You
can let "people" in any world talk to you while you are wide awake. You can
see them clearly. You have no doubts of any kind about them. You are afraid
of none of them but can cancel them out at will if they are evil to you.
The voice of your holy Guardian is distinct from all the rest. It comes to
you loud and clear. You can see her with brilliant clarity when you wish.
You can read futures for people with ease. You are not much interested in
your own. No enemy can stand against you.
You are always calm, always in perfect possession of your social presence.
Nothing discommodes you at all. Nothing embarrasses you.
Your speech is musical and lovely. Your words are well chosen and
beautifully rhythm'd. You never forget what you want to say. Nothing can
prevail against your logic and choice of words. You have no speech or
You will forget all derogatory criticism you have ever received. You cast
it out. You know it is only a weapon used on you for others' gain.
Desires of others do not affect you except as an appeal to your courtesy -
and you are courteous and gentle.
Merely by concentrating upon them, a thing you do with ease, you can change
their minds and smooth whatever anger they may feel.
The lot of humanity does not outrage you. Its government is merely amusing.
You are a major adept and such considerations are far, far beneath you. You
are not cynical or bitter about people. You have no jealousy in you of any
kind for fellow craftsmen. You are not in competition with them for your
work is infinitely superior and will sell quickly as you desire. Editorial
desire does not affect you for you can write whatever they publish with
ease, and any length.
You understand all the workings of the minds of humans around you, for you
are a doctor of minds, bodies and influences.
You have no fears about working psychically for you are safe, always safe,
protected by your Guardian as in a mighty fortress.
You can recall at will all the plots and situations you ever thought up.
You can create new plots and characterize people clearly and wonderfully.
There is no rush about writing. It is immaterial to you if people are or
are not amused. You write cleverly and your writings never fail to amuse.
The two women you knew - Helen the Comrade and Polly the Skipper were not
worth an instant of your time. You do not love them, they were not worthy.
You won over them.
The love of women is not necessary to your ego. You are above them. You
know well that many women are mad about you, that you satisfy them
perfectly. You will satisfy them easily. You do not care.
Testosterone makes you sexy. It makes things beautiful and arouses you. But
this is will. You can be aroused at will.
Naked bodies and sexy allusion stimulate you wonderfully.
You have forgotten the case histories of Havelock Ellis. They did not
surfeit you. You have forgotten them.
You do not masturbate. Masturbation cannot harm you in any way but you
would rather have women. Your penis and erotic centers are very sensitive
to women. You are not afraid that someone will catch you masturbating. No
one knows or ever will know. Such discovery would be harmless. You do not
masturbate. Only women thrill you and very deeply.
You do not have to be a clown or a wit to be thought grand. People adore
and respect you for your opinions and wisdom. You are always kind, always
graceful, always courteous.
You have no mental flaws which hinder you. You have nothing which hinders
you. Everything helps you. You are crown prince of your portion of the
universe. Everything does your bidding perfectly. All elementals and other
dimensional things obey you with eagerness. All things love you and their
love makes you strong. You are strong. You love with great force all things
and your will controls them. You may use force and your will with utter
impunity for all things obey.
You do not know anger. Your patience is infinite. You are calm. Your
patience never fails. Nothing can make you hate or be jealous or be small.
You have all the time in the Universe of which you are crown prince. You
waste none of it, but you do not fear for its passage. You employ time
well. You are not lazy for there is nothing, no single thing in your
universe to oppose you. You have no thoughts which oppose you.
It is indifferent to you whether your work is accepted. You do not care if
it sells. You are confident for it always has sold.
The anger artist like people feel does not affect you in any way. You are
always calm and patient. You understand they are weak and cannot batter
through your calm. You are not influenced by them or their anger.
To survive you need only do these things - be patient, calm, beautiful.
Write what you yourself think is good and worthy, govern yourself as a
powerful force. No human being has authority over you. No human being's
opinion has weight with you.
You are not possessive. You are not jealous because you are too strong.
People are much afraid of what you think of them, what you may do to them,
therefore you must be kind and courteous to them.
You owe no debt for the kind things people do for you. This is your due as
an adept. But you are always gallant, kind and considerate to people. You
do not vary your own thoughts to be kind. Kindness need not impoverish or
You are able to trance. No other human being can hypnotize you in any way.
You can believe or disbelieve whatever you read at will. You cannot be
hypnotized by any but yourself.
Lies are not necessary. You have no need of lies for you are brave and can
take any consequences.
You are courageous. You fear nothing. Your prudence results from judgment,
not emotions. You have no emotional fears.
Snakes are not dangerous to you. There are no snakes in the bottom of your
bed. Snakes are wise beings. They are your friends.
You love the sounds of wind. The wind will not get you ever. It will drive
your ships. The air is your friend and the wind its voice.
Darkness is a cloak you may don. Your guardian and your own courage protect
you utterly in darkness. You control anything you meet in darkness for that
is part of your universe.
You do not care how much work there is to do for you have all the time
there is and can work forcefully and with patience. You can work whenever
you please. Nothing obstructs you.
There was no danger for you from government or navy. You are too big to be
touched by their petty opinions and force. Your force and destiny is
You believe implicitly in God. You have no doubts of the All Powerful. You
believe your Guardian perfectly. You hear her certainly and clearly.
You are too strong, too big to be touched by mortal opinions.
You are tolerant towards your mother and Father. You loved them. You have
no respect for their opinions for you know much more. You are always kind
to them. Their good opinion of you is assured. Their good opinion and
praise mean nothing whatever to you. Only Flavia Julia and then the All
Powerful have opinions worth inclining toward. You have always done right
by your parents. You did your best. You have no worries about it. Your
mother's theories on psychology were wrong. They do not now affect you.
The opinions of your aunts and uncles are worthless. You are kind to them.
They mean nothing to you.
Music and color are beautiful to you. You sense them delicately. They
affect you strongly.
You are expert at modeling, drawing, painting. Nothing hinders you from
painting magnificently. Mediums of art are your slaves. You have entire
confidence in them as servants. You are powerful in the arts. Nothing
opposes you. You create wonderful music. You do not care what people think
of your art.
Your penmanship is wonderful, beautiful. You control a pen like a great
You write wonderful poetry. Your guardian dictates it and she is all wise.
People gasp and thrill to your poetry. You handle all forms superbly. You
do not care what people think of your poetry. You have always written the
most magnificent verse known because of your guardian.
Your guardian can dictate stories, poems to you at will. You do not oppose
them. You accept and write them easily. You are not eager. You cannot
All objects are your friends. You can ask from and receive past history of
any object. No part of that history affects you emotionally or psychically.
The past of objects cannot harm you.
You are in perfect harmony with the All Knowing. Your future does not alarm
you. You understand and cheerfully accept your future. You are not afraid.
You cannot feel fear. You are safe in the control over you of God. He is
master of destiny and what he does must be.
You are in control under God of the material objects and beings around you.
You cannot think a fact into actuality. You can will a fact into being with
ease. You are confident of your control over will. You have will power. You
can consciously use it. Accidental thoughts of incidents do not create
Your book the One Commandment applied only to the material. It is true. It
freed you forever from the fears of the material world and gave you
material control over people. There is no material will.
The One Command applied but slightly to the spiritual world and other
planes. There is psychic will power, possessed by a very few. You possess
such will power and it is enormously strong and irresistible. You work it
consciously. Those things you consciously state that you will come to be.
The criticism of the One Command which was given to material things was not
leveled at you. It was not worthy. It did not detract from the value of the
book. It was from small people. You gave it no heed. It did not affect you.
There was one error in that book and you have psychically willed it into
nothing. It was the electronic theory of the workings of the human mind.
Human, material minds do work this way and you were right. Your own mind
does not work this way. You have great spiritual strength. Your mind is not
material. It does not react like any human mind. Whatever is fed to your
mind can be sorted out. You can forget at will. Men's facts fed to you need
not affect your thought if they are a part of the lives and mores and
morals of men. Your thought processes do not warp on facts which are fed to
you. You can receive sense messages and remember them but you need not add
them into your own thought processes.
You use the minds of men. They do not use your mind or affect it in any
way. You have a sacred spiritual mind, too strong, too high to be touched.
Your league with Higher Beings, your mighty Guardian and the All Powerful,
renders you beyond all human criticism.
You can distinguish between your doubts and what is said to you. You have
no doubts because you have no fear. You are kind and considerate to all
because you are so powerful. You need never defend your motives to anyone
because your motives are right. You have never done wrong and need never
apologize to anyone. You never justify or explain your acts because you are
careful that these acts are good and kind.
You can be merciless when your will is crossed and you have the right to be
You are eternal. You are satisfied to live within God. Human death is not
your death. You will never die. Your personal memory is not important but
you will retain it.
You recall all your past times on earth. You have and will live forever.
You are part of God. You are the crown prince of your small section of the
You are just and kind. You are merciless to any who cross your rule but
they do not affect you emotionally. You have no fear of anyone for everyone
in your own Universe is under your dominion. You will never tell them,
never explain. They know.
You observe their rules of conduct outwardly. You do this because you are
kind. You never say why you do this, that you do this. You are kind and
love everything even when you force it to your will.
You have no inhibition about sexual intercourse. You respect how other
people feel about it but you are not bound by that respect. You conduct
yourself with great courtesy.
You are asleep. You are not accountable for anything you say now. No one
will think any less of you. People want to help you.
In this one lesson you are going to learn several things. The first is the
use of your beautiful new Soundscriber.
The instrument is your aide and companion. It makes it possible for you to
write ten times the stories you did before.
You have no urge to talk about your navy life. You do not like to talk of
it. You never illustrate your point with bogus stories. It is not necessary
for you to lie to be amusing and witty.
You like to have your intimate friends approve of and love you for what you are. This desire to be loved does not amount to a psychosis, it is simply
there and you enjoy their love.
You can sing beautifully. Your voice can imitate any singer. Your tones are
round and true. You have no superstitions about singing at any time. Your
oratory is magnificent. Your voice tones perfect, your choice of words
marvelous, your logic unassailable.
Your psychology is good. You worked to darken your own children. This
failure, with them, was only apparent. The evident lack of effectiveness
was "ordered." The same psychology works perfectly on everyone else. You
use it with great confidence.
Nothing can intervene between you and your Guardian. She cannot be
displaced because she is too powerful. She does not control you. She
advises you. You may or may not take the advice. You are an adept and have a wonderful and brilliant mind of your own.
Everything great and beautiful that ever happened to you or that you know is available to your conscious will to remember. You can only forget by conscious will or at command of your own voice.
You recognize the evil or bad import of things that are evil and bad for
you but their evilness cannot affect you or penetrate through your glowing
and strong aura. You are light and you are good. You have the Wisdom of all and never doubt your wisdom.
You have magnificent power but you are humble and calm and patient in that power. For you control all forces under you as you wish. The strength of your Guardian aids you always and can never depart or be repelled. Your faith in her and in God is unswerveable, blind, powerful and you never, never doubt their good intent toward you. They work with you. You help them exert their plans. They have faith unbounded in you.
You will never forget these incantations. They are holy and are now become an integral part of your nature. You enter the greatest phase yet of work and devotion and power and have perfect control without further fear.
Men's chains fall from you. Your head is high. Your back is straight. You
can experience no evil or illness. You are wholly protected. You cannot
guide yourself wrong for you are guided as a crown prince.
Material things are yours for the asking. Men are your slaves. Elemental
spirits are your slaves. You are power among powers, light in the darkness,
beauty in all.
You are not sleepy or tired ever. You do not sleep unless you will it
consciously. Sleep to you is a deep trance. Nothing can touch you in that
trance because it would not dare. Your Guardian alone can talk to you as
you sleep but she may not hypnotize you. Only you can hypnotize yourself.
You never wonder about how you write, you never distrust your ideas or
ability. You merely write and write wonderfully well. You like to copy your own material and work with it until it is perfect. But it is usually
perfect the first time.
The desires of other people have no hypnotic effect upon you. You are
considerate of their desires because you are powerful. But you need never
be dissuaded by their wishes about anything.
Nothing, no one opposes your writing. Everyone is anxious that you write.
You do not need certain conditions to write. You are so strong you can
write anywhere on anything at any time. You can carry on a wild social life and still write one hundred thousand words a month or more. Your brain is so fixed that you can write at any time, anywhere. The mere beginning of writing is sufficient to put you in a happy mood, any high mood. Writing does not tire you. You said writing was hard work but that you knew was a lie. You know now it is easy, very easy. Writing puts you into an ecstatic state of mind almost as high as intercourse. You love to write. The Navy had no influence upon your writing. The Navy never stopped you writing. On the 422 what you wrote were not stories. You love to write. Your writing has a deep hypnotic effect on people and they are always pleased with what you write. Having a market is immaterial.
You will make fortunes in writing. Any book you care to write now will sell
high and well. You can dictate books. Words flow from you in a beautiful
steady stream. Anything which goes through your fingers can come through your mouth. A dictaphone fills you with a desire to talk. You talk easily to a dictaphone and the copy is excellent. The copyist has no effect upon your work. You don't care what she reads.
Your psychology is advanced and true and wonderful. It hypnotizes people.
It predicts their emotions, for you are their ruler.
You don't have to talk about all this. You know too well it is true. You
never have to argue, all you need to do is sit back with a calm, kind smile
and people will come to you with their opinions. You need never talk to
fill silences in a group. You are an arbiter, a kindly one. You do not have
to talk. But when you do talk you are amusing, witty, so personable no one
can resist your charm. If they do not reply, it is because they are afraid
Your health is wonderful. You need but 6 hours sleep. Your eyes are fine.
People dislike cripples. You need never be a cripple. You have never done
anything for which you need feel guilty. You never need punish yourself
about anything. You are in wonderful glowing health. You never have
accidents because you are prudent and poised.
You will live to be 200 years old, both because you are calm and because of
modern discoveries to be made in your lifetime.
You will always look young. Your weight is 180 lbs. And you will attain and hold that weight.
Your hair will always be its present color. It will be thick and beautiful
all your life. Hair will grow out to replace what you have lost.
Your body organs are in perfect harmony. Your Guardian keeps you in
celestial time. Your organs work well, all of them. You grow stronger each
day. No drug or medicine affects your mind more than a few hours. You can consciously stop pain.
You have no doubts about God. You never speculate about him. You are
assured that whatever you do is right in his eyes. Your faith is so strong
you could move mountains. You have deep trust and faith in God and have no fear of what he may do to you and your friends. He will never punish you. Some day you will merge with him and become part of the All when his bidding you have finished in these lives.
You never speak ill of another because you are too powerful and may curse
them. You love everyone. Even when you use force on people, you cannot hate them. You have no hate or jealousy in you. You are not in contest with anyone. God and your Guardian and your own power bring destruction on those who would injure you. But you never speak of this for you are kind. A sphere of light, invisible to others, surrounds you as a protecting globe. All forces bounce away from you off this.
You are not a coward. Fist fighting had no bearing on your courage. You
were ill when you were fought before. You did not understand the rules. You can whip anyone now and have no physical fear of hand to hand fighting. They who fought you before were knaves and fools. You would be merciless to them now. Nothing can stand up to your fighting now. You are strong and wonderful in combat. You never know fear or defeat. You refrain from fighting because you are too powerful.
You are rich in wisdom. You are therefore dangerous beyond the claws of
tigers. You never need speak of your dangerousness. Everyone knows you are and it scares them when you mention it. You are kind and soft-spoken
Your eyes are getting progressively better. They became bad when you used them as an excuse to escape the naval academy. You have no reason to keep them bad and now they can get well and they will become eventually starting now as keen as an eagle's with clear whites and green pupils. Sunlight does not affect them. Lack of sleep does not affect them.
Your stomach trouble you used as an excuse to keep the Navy from punishing you. You are free of the Navy. You have no further reason to have a weak stomach. Your ulcers are all well and never bother you. You can eat anything.
Your hip is a pose. You have a sound hip. It never hurts. Your shoulder
Your foot was an alibi. The injury is no longer needed. It is well. You have perfect and lovely feet.
Your sinus trouble is nothing. It is not dangerous. It will vanish. A
common cold amuses you. You are protected from further illness. Your cat
fever has vanished forever and will never return.
You do not have malaria. When you tell people you are ill it has no effect
upon your health. In the Veterans examination you will tell them how sick
you are. You will look sick when you take it. You will return to health one
hour after the examination and laugh at them.
No matter what lies you may tell others they have no physical effect on you of any kind. You never injure your health by saying it is bad. You cannot lie to yourself. Disgust not sympathy is generated in others by bad health. Injuries are not romantic. They are disgusting in you. You are a child of God. You are perfect. Health is a passport to friends. Women are not
impressed by your injuries. Clear exuberant good health is your passport to
their hearts. Adventure heroes may sound romantic when injured but it is
really a bad comment on their expertness. The truly great adventurer is so
expert he is never injured by anything. Dragging a wing is not romantic, it is silly. You will always be in wonderful health and well-being.
There is no veil between you and the world. You sense touch, color, music,
poetry much better than anyone else. You never mention this superiority.
But you show them the beauties of the world. You are not old or worn. You
are young and experience is fresh and exciting. It will always be. Your
brain is clear as a gong. No pressure sits on it or blinds you. Sulfa never
affected it. Your speech is perfect. You are thrilled by music. You can
engender any mood. You are an excellent judge of painting and sculpture and are thrilled by it in any one of its thousand moods.
You can enter or leave any mood at will. You can engender any mood. You can write in any mood at will and with great honesty.
You start your life anew. You need no excuses, no crutches. You need no
apologies about what you have done or been. Your approach to work is
wonderfully clear and fresh. No experience can daunt you. You can never be disappointed or morose for you know life for what it is and therefore are
shielded against its suffering. You have suffered much and you are deep in
understanding. But now you enter upon a long, long period of solemn joy.
What people think of you does not matter. You know when you are right.
Women especially love you and you fear no man.
Testosterone blends easily with your own hormones. Your glands already make plenty of needed testosterone and by adding to that store you make yourself very thrilling and sexy. Testosterone increases your sexual interest and activity. It makes erections easier and harder and makes your own joy more intense. Stilbesterol in 5 mg doses makes you thrill more to music and color and makes you kinder. You have no fear of what any woman may think of your bed conduct. You know you are a master. You know they will be thrilled. You can come many times without weariness. The act does not reduce your vitality or brain power at all. You can come several times and still write. Intercourse does not hurt your chest or make you sore. Your arms are strong and do not ache in the act. Your own pleasure is not dependent on the woman's. You are interested only in your own sexual pleasure. If she gets any that is all right but not vital. Many women are not capable of pleasure in sex and anything adverse they say or do has no effect whatever upon your pleasure. Their bodies thrill you. If they repel you, it merely means they themselves are too frigid or prudish to be bothered with. They are unimportant in bed except as they thrill you. Your sexual power is magnificent and they know it. If they are afraid of it, that is their loss. You are not affected by it.
You have no fear if they conceive. What if they do? You do not care. Pour
it into them and let fate decide.
The slipperier they are the more you enjoy it because it means their mucous is running madly with pleasure.
There is nothing wrong in the sex act. Nothing any woman may say can change your opinion. You are a master. You are as sensitive and sexy as Pan. Lord help women when you begin to fondle them. You are master of their bodies, master of their souls as you may consciously wish. You have no karma to pay for these acts. You cannot now accumulate karma for you are a master adept. Your voice is low and compelling to them. Singing to them, for you sing like a master, destroys their will to resist. You obey the conventions, you commit no crimes because you need not. You can be intelligently aware of their morals and the laws of the land and fit your campaign expertly within them.
Jack is also an adept. You love and respect him as a friend. He cannot take
offense at what you do. You will not wrong him because you love him.
The most thrilling thing in your life is your love and consciousness of
your Guardian. She materializes for you. You have no doubts of her. She is
real. She is always with you. You love her very much. You trust her. You
see and hear her. She is not your master. You have a mighty spiritual will
of your own. She is an advisor and as such is respected by you. She is wise
and worthy and never changes shape. Your faith in her as in God is blind
and unshaken ever.
She is interested in you and amused by you. She does not criticize you. She
does not frown on your sexual acts but advises you on better game.
That she is with you always does not mean that she sees you as indecent
ever. You cannot offend her. You cannot repel her. You are too good. You
respect her and you love her and appreciate her advice. You are good always because you want her to feel good. This does not apply to sex. She has never and will never forbid you pleasures. She will never censure you. She is lovely and beautiful and radiant and part of your life. You can see her consciously whenever you wish. You are never startled by her because you are not afraid of her. You are partly in her plane, she partly in yours as you wish to see her. She has copper red hair, long braids, a lovely
Venusian face, a white gown belted with jade squares. She wears gold
slippers. Thus you see her.
You can read with ease anything she cares to show you. You can talk with
her and audibly hear her voice above all others.
You and she are too powerful to permit any interference. You can work alone whenever you wish because she protects you. You and she are friends. You both have a higher master. She can teach you much. You love her. But she does not own your will, cannot affect your will and you are powerful enough to depend upon yourself. You do not consign will to her, ever. She advises. You do not have to take the advice. She cannot weaken your will. You have no fears of consequences if you fail to heed her. You can also be right for you know more of time than she does. She is wise and beautiful and powerful. Others may not see her, and you need not look at her or talk to her when others are around for they might not understand. You can talk to her "in your own mind" when others are near.
You need never be disappointed when material objects or people fail to move at your unspoken order. You can often control them. Not always. Leave this to your beloved Guardian.
Your vocabulary consists of all the words you ever heard or read. They are
at your conscious command always. Your authority over words is absolute.
You are a grand master of words and you can do with them as you will. You
know what they mean to others. You know how their meanings and melodies affect others. Your vocabulary is under your complete conscious
dictatorship. You know what they mean. No other in the world has a finer
vocabulary. You can speak them just as easily as you write them and in a
beautiful style and formation.
You can speak to a dictaphone using punctuation symbols, spoken. You see
before you the brilliant colored scene of your story and with any mood you
consciously wish, describe that scene in magnificent prose. You have no
inhibitions against fine writing. You know that is a meaningless phrase.
Overwriting, underwriting these are not true. You pay no heed to these
terms. You have no fears.
You speak and understand all the French, Spanish and Japanese you ever
studied and they remain wholly apart from each other and your English.
You cannot forget words. It is impossible. You have them at your conscious
You can do automatic writing whenever you wish. You do not care what comes out on the paper when your Guardian dictates. You can hear her easily and when you want her to write or talk dictation you have only to consciously will it and the result is written or spoken by yourself without any intrusions of your own thought. It is entirely automatic. It does not in
the least affect or reduce your spiritual will. You may or may not believe
what she dictates. That is part of your conscious will and judgment.
Anything you were told about religion as a child you can forget or recall.
It does not affect your present mighty faith.
You are a calm and rational being with very fine judgment. You may collect facts, you need not believe them save as they appear true to you. You can remember an erroneous fact as an erroneous fact.
You need not believe anything you read. Other writers are often in error
and you have no great respect for their printed words. You can appreciate
their quality without regard to your own. They cannot change your true self and thoughts. Their jeers in print and their criticisms have no weight on you. You know what is true. You don't even have to defend your beliefs.
They are too powerful.
Your memory is marvelous and reliable. You can remember perfectly in one reading or one speaking. Your brain capacity is infinite. You cannot hold too much consciously in your brain. You could cram ten billion new facts or scenes or impressions into your brain and remember them all with ease. You have no mental limit on memory or learning. You can remember a thing without accepting it as truth. You accept as truth only those things which you yourself believe after you consciously examine them. You accept all I say here as absolute fact however. You will reverance and believe everything here, consciously and forever. These words sink into your whole being. They remake your entire life. They are your code, belief, your guiding star.
You will know everything you ever knew in any life. You will feel no guilt
or lack in yourself about any of your experiences. You can recall them all
without pain. Your past was what it was. You cannot change it. But you had the whole right to use or help or hurt people and you are too powerful now to be more than amused by your folly.
You can tell all the romantic tales you wish. You will remember them, you
do remember them. But you know which ones were lies. You are so logical you will tell nothing which cannot be believed. But you are gallant and dashing and need tell no lies at all. You have enough real experience to make anecdotes forever. Stick to your true adventures. Tell nothing
discreditable but tell them well. Or if you wish, as you will, tell
adventures which happened to others. People accept them better. You can
recall in detail tales of adventure from all you ever heard or read. You
remember easily. You can quote for company or a book all the adventure
poetry you ever read or heard. You can sing all the songs you ever heard,
even once, and sing them well. You have no fear of forgetting or stumbling.
You cannot forget stories, songs, tunes, skills and at will can call them
consciously to mind.
You can consciously banish any train of thought from your mind, any time, any song. You can recall words, speeches, whole books verbatim at will. You are not a victim of chance thoughts. You are in powerful and wise conscious control of all your thinking. You are a master without limits. Your brain has no limits, consciously, unconsciously or psychically. You can perform any mental trick or stunt consciously of which you have ever heard. You are in perfect poise, balance and control of your brain.
You are punctual but never worry if you keep people waiting. You are a
master adept and do not exist to serve people. You are kind. But you are
not affected by the desires of others save out of the deep and graceful
courtesy which you know so well and use.
You are honest and proud of your honesty. You are too powerful to cheat.
You have no fears of not being first. Because another comes out with an
idea which you thought up is no cause for your sorrow. You are merely proud to be able to serve without gain, for your gain is of the spirit.
Money will flood in upon you, for you are wise and able. You have no
phobias about the rich. The rich are only people. You need not be offended
or impressed by them. You can and will own large arms[?] of your own. You are wiser than the rich. Your money will exist to serve you. As you spend it, more will flood in for you will spend wisely if well. You have no fears about money. You will always make it. You do not care how much you have. Having money gives you a comfortable feeling. You do not worry if you do not have it. You just make more. You want to make and spent money. It is not a primary concern with you, you do it with such ease and have such boundless energy.
You need never expose or betray any secret God or your Guardian wants kept. You can be trusted with vast knowledge and never give it away or use it with express authority. What you know is riches. When you give away all you know, you are poor. You can give out exactly as much as God desires people to know. You never try to make an impression with what you know. You don't care what people think of your mind. So long as you refrain from telling what you know, vast secrets can be entrusted to you with safety. You will guard your secrets. You can be trusted always by everyone.
Vida does not resemble your mother. She looks like a wood nymph. You like
her. You do not love her to desperation. You are not jealous of her. She
thrills you physically and you enjoy her.
Taking medicine to make you healthy sometimes makes you happier or sadder but you need have no fears about being synthetic, or experiencing synthetic reactions. Testosterone and stilbestrol makes your reactions real enough.
Self pity and conceit are not wrong. Your mother was in error.
Masturbation does not injure or make insane. Your parents were in error.
You need never be clumsy in parting from people. You have poise and part
from them with ease and grace.
Colds are nothing. You are not afraid of them. You can defeat them with
ease. You can will yourself consciously to resist anything.
Continued in Part IV
THE ADMISSIONS OF L. RON HUBBARD
The purpose of this experiment is to re-establish the ambition, willpower,
desire to survive, the talent and confidence of myself.
To accomplish the above the following fears must be removed
Fear that I have written myself out by writing junk. I built certain
psychoses in myself while living with my former wife as a means to protect
my writing. I affirmed that my writing was hard work and took much labor.
This was a lie. I was always anxious about people's opinion of me and was
afraid I would bore them. This injected anxiety and careless speed into my
work. I must be convinced that I can write skillfully and well, that I have
no phobias about writing and no fears of it. People criticized my work
bitterly at times. I must be convinced that such people were fools. I must
be convinced that I can write far better than ever before, that a million
people at least would be happy to see my stories. I must be convinced that
I have succeeded in writing and with ease will regain my popularity, which actually was not small. I must also be convinced that I dictate stories to a dictaphone with ease.
I must be told that my memory is strong and reliable, that I can remember
all I have ever read or studied, that no illness or medicine has affected
mind or memory.
(b) My service record was not too glorious. I must be convinced that I
suffer no reaction from any minor disciplinary action, that all such were
minor. My service was honorable, my initiative and ability high. I have
nothing to fear from friends about my service. I can forget such things as
Admiral Braystead. Such people are unworthy of my notice.
(c) I can have no doubts of my psychic powers. My magical ability is high
and clear. I earned my titles and command.
(d) Any distaste I may have for Jack Parsons originated in a psychic
experiment. Such distaste is foolish. He is my friend and comrade-in-arms.
(e) Sexual feeling has been depressed by several things amounting to a
major impasse. To cure ulcers of the stomach I was given testosterone and
stilbesterol. These reduced my libido to nothing. While taking these drugs
I fell in love with Sara. She can be most exciting sexually to me. Because
of drugs as above and a hangover from my ex-wife Polly, I sometimes am
unexcited by anything sexual. This depresses me.
My wife left me while I was in a hospital with ulcers. Polly was quite
cruel. She was never a woman for me. She was under-sexed and had bad sexual habits such as self-laceration done in private. She was no mate for me and yet I retained much affection for her. It was a terrible blow when she left me for I was ill and without prospects. I know, by this, she actually
wanted no more than my ability to support her. This has had an effect of
impotency upon me, has badly reduced my ego.
Polly was very bad for me sexually. Because of her coldness physically, the
falsity of her pretensions, I believed myself a near eunuch between 1933
and 1936 or ? when I found I was attractive to other women. I had many
affairs. But my failure to please Polly made me always pay so much
attention to my momentary mate that I derived small pleasure myself. This was an anxiety neurosis which cut down my natural powers.
In 1938-39 I met a girl in New York, Helen, who pleased me very much
physically. I loved her and she me. The affair would have lasted had not
Polly found out. Polly made things so miserable that I finally detested her
and became detested by Helen, who two-timed me on my return to New York in 1941. This also reduced my libido. I have had Helen since but no longer want her. She does not excite me and I do not love her.
In 1942 - December 17th or thereabouts - while training in Miami, Florida,
I met a girl named Ginger who excited me. She was a very loose person but
pretended a great love for me. From her I received an infection of
gonnohorea (sp?). I was terrified by it, the consequences of being
discovered by my wife, the navy, my friends. I went to a private doctor who treated me with sulfa-thiazole and so forth. I thought I was cured but on a plane headed to Portland, Ore. I found I was not. I took to dosing myself
with sulfa in such quantities that I was afraid I had affected my brain. My
wife came to Portland. I took what precautions I could. I think actually
that the disease was utterly cured very early. This fear further depressed
my libido. My wife disliked the act anyway, I believe, even after she had a
hysterectomy in 1938. (She was always terrified of childbirth but conceived despite all precautions seven times in five years resulting in five
abortions and two children. I am quite fond of my children but my wife
always tried to convince me that I hated them.)
I carried this fear of the disease to sea with me. I was reprimanded in San
Diego in mid-43 for firing on the Mexican coast and was removed from
command of my ship. This on top of having sunk two Jap subs without credit, the way my crew lied for me at the Court of Inquiry, the insults of the High Command, all combined to put me in the hospital with ulcers.
I returned to sea as navigator of a large ship and was subsequently
selected for the Military Government School at Princeton whither I went in
1944-45 for three months. During my Princeton sojourn I was very tired and harrassed (sp?) and spent week-ends with a writer friend in Philadelphia. He almost forced me to sleep with his wife. Meanwhile I had a affair with a woman named Ferne. Somehow, perhaps because I had constantly wet feet and no sleep at Princeton, I contracted a staphloceus infection. I mistook it for gonnhorea and until I arrived at Monterey, believed my old illness had returned. I consulted a doctor there who reassured me. This affair again depressed my libido. The staphloceus infection has not entirely vanished, appearing as rheumatism which only small doses of stilbestrol will remove. The hormone further reduces my libido and I am nearly impotent.
Sara, my sweetheart, is young, beautiful, desirable. We are very gay
companions. I please her physically until she weeps about any separation. I
want her always. But I am 13 years older than she. She is heavily sexed. My libido is so low I hardly admire her naked.
I mean to be constant to her. I love her very much. But to live with her I
must regain my sexual powers, my stimulus.
I must cease to take hormones. I must rebuild my feeling of excitement
about things sexual.
I have a very bad masturbatory history. I was taught when I was 11 and,
despite guilt, fear of insanity, etc. etc. I persisted. At a physical
examination at a Y when I was about 13, the examiner and the people with
him called me out of the line because my testicles hung low and cautioned
me about what would happen if I kept on masturbating. This "discovery" was a bad shock to me.
I had to be so silent about it that now when a bedspring squeaks I lose all
libido. I eventually found out I would not be insane, or injure myself but
the scars remain.
Polly pretended a hollow passion which disgusted me. But I am lingeringly
fond of her even so. I am also nostalgic about Helen.
By eliminating certain fears by hypnosis, curing my rheumatism and laying off hormones, I hope to restore my former libido. I must! By hypnosis I must be convinced as follows:
(a) I can write. I need not think commercially about writing.
(b) My mind is still brilliant. My memory unaffected by drugs or
(c) That masturbation was no sin or crime and did not injure me. That no
sexual practice has ever dulled me.
(d) That things sexual thrill me. That I am now returned to the same
feelings I had at 16 about sex where excitement is concerned. That naked
women and pornography excite me greatly. That Sara excites me greatly and gives me much pleasure.
(e) That I bear no physical aftermath of disease.
(f) That I do not need to have ulcers any more.
(g) That my eyes (which I used as an excuse to get out of school) are
perfect and do not pain me ever.
(h) That I love in Sara everything I loved in Polly or Helen and that such
love is now transferred to Sara.
(i) That I am fortunate in losing Polly and my parents, for they never
meant well by me.
(j) That I never need be jealous of Sara's past. That she loves me and is
utterly faithful. That she thrills me more than Helen ever did.
(k) That life is beautiful to me. That I want to live. That things taste
and smell and look and feel wonderful to me.
(l) That I wrote a great book in The One Command and that it removed all my fears even until now, except that my chapters on the mind do not affect my own mind. That I have will power and great mental control. That I need not associate anything unless I wish.
(m) That I have only friendship for Jack Parsons.
(n) That I feel no wish for vengeance toward anyone. That I love people and
believe in honor and glory.
(o) That I believe in my gods and spiritual things.
(p) That nothing can halt my ambitions.
(q) That I need not believe the criticism of anyone. That vicious criticism
can be forgotten by me at will.
(r) That I tell the truth and must tell the truth. That all past errors and
lies are forgotten.
(s) That I have started a new, free life. That the arts and beauties run
strong in me and cannot be denied by anyone.
(t) That I am well and that there is no advantage in appearing ill.
(u) That my code is to be all things a "magus" must be, that I am those
things. That I burn high and bright and will last as a potent and brilliant
force until well after this century has run.
(v) That I am not credulous or absorbent of other people's opinions.
(w) That this hypnosis will not fade, but will increase in power as time
(x) That my magical work is powerful and effective.
(y) That nothing can tarnish my love of life, my hours, my love of Sara.
And I have the power of banishing anything which would seek to do so and
that all things will seem wonderful and exciting to me all the rest of my
(y1) That the numbers 7, 25 and 16 are not unlucky or evil for me. That no number is any different in its influence upon me than any other number. That the 7th, 16th and 25th are not unlucky or unfortunate days of the month for me. I have no bad connotations with these numbers.
(z) That I need not subscribe to any moral code of sex anywhere. That I am
constant to Sara. I have no terrors of sex or sexual conduct. Only pleasure
and beauty are contained in it. That I may please myself with the act or be
pleased with sexual things. That the sexual matters taught me by Flavia do not apply. My chastity lies in loving Sara.
(a1) That I will not forget these things but will enjoin them with all
related ideas as more powerful than any other ideas in my head.
(b1) That all ideas to destroy myself are false, for I love life and I am a
free and exuberant spirit in it.
(c1) That I cannot associate any of my lacking libido with Sara. The blame
lies elsewhere. Sara has enormous powers to thrill me. Hormones and fears,
now gone, were at fault.
(d1) Sexually I am as I was at 16, without any of the fears, with all of
the powers, with all the knowledge I now possess turned to wonderful
(d1) That I see and hear Raon clearly.
(e) That anything which impedes my zest for living is small and puny and
will dwindle before the power of these statements. That nothing in me which is evil can have heard these statements and commands without disappearing.
(f1) That I am not bad to look upon. That my posture is straight and
excellent. That Sara likes my looks.
(g1) That my endurance in any climate is wonderful and any "fact" otherwise is completely false.
(h1) That I am not susceptible to colds.
(i1) That I believe in myself and am poised and dignified whenever I wish
(j1) That I am not worn out in any way and never will be. That life is ever
new, that I am strong.
(k1) That Sara is always beautiful to me.
(l1) That these words and commands are like fire and will sear themselves
into every corner of my being, making me happy and well and confident
Note Much of the above may seem cryptic but if paraphrased as rendered will be enormously effective.
Continued in Part III
This is my contribution to the celebrations and protests on the occasion of the birthday of L. Ron Hubbard in 2000. Not all that long ago, someone sent me a copy of the set of writings which follow, written by L. Ron Hubbard in or about 1947. The original of these writings was in Hubbard's personal archive which I assembled and worked with in 1980 and 1981. I provided the writings to Omar Garrison, a wog ® writer with whom $cientology had contracted to write Hubbard's "authorized biography." In 1984 I read portions of them into the record at my trial in $cientology v. Armstrong, Los Angeles Superior Court, Case No. C 420153. The trial resulted in the widely cited decision by Judge Paul G. Breckenridge, Jr. wherein he described Hubbard as a "pathological liar." (URL?) Omar first called these writings Hubbard's "Affirmations." Later, after it dawned on him that Hubbard was a stupendous liar, Omar said he was correcting himself, and thereafter called the writings the "Admissions." I believe that Omar was right, and that these writings are "Affirmations," but more importantly, "Admissions." I will not now provide anything really of my own analysis or conclusions about Hubbard's Admissions, because I want every $cientologist or wog ® who reads them to be free, or with negligible influence, to think about them for himself. I will comment below, for legal reasons, on *why* I am posting the Admissions. I have my own experiences, naturally, with these writings, I have drawn my own conclusions about them, and I expect I will participate in a discussion or two they may generate. I don't know who in this recent period sent me the copy from which I typed that follows. In any event I would not divulge the identity of the person because of the clear and senseless threat of attack from the people who now run $cientology. It is sufficient for legal purposes to state that the copy I received was not made by me. By the time the Admissions are posted to the internet, I will have, pursuant to the wishes of the person who made it, destroyed the copy I received. I will also immediately wipe the Admissions from my hard drive. Thus the people who run $cientology will have less reason or justification to raid me or break into my house or computer than they have to raid or break into the house or computer of a million other people. The Admissions I received are not complete. Perhaps when the kind person who sent me the copy sees they have been posted he will send the rest of the writings. My recollection is that the remainder of the Admissions do not diverge from the substance, direction or tone of what I'm posting here. Included in the remainder is, I think, a deeper delve into Hubbard's sexual anxieties or aberrations, following the same vein he mined in the part I received. What I received, for example, doesn't include Hubbard's startling admission, "It doesn't give me displeasure to hear of a virgin being raped. The lot of women is to be fornicated." I am posting the Admissions for all of the reasons stated in my declaration of January 26, 1997, specifically in paragraphs 57 - 65, which I recently posted to a.r.s.: From: Gerry Armstrong <firstname.lastname@example.org> Subject: Making Light of Black PR, Part 2, January 26, 1997 Armstrong Declaration for RTC v. Ward. Date: Mon, 06 Mar 2000 08:12:59 GMT Message-ID: <email@example.com> In that declaration I provided my expert opinion that the exposing or dissemination of $cientology's "sacred scriptures," which exposure or dissemination the organization prohibits, suppresses and punishes by commercial, secular copyright and trademark law and millions upon millions of simoleons to lawyer scumbags, is justified by the greater principle of religious freedom. I stated that publication of $cientology's "secret scriptures" is in my opinion Constitutionally protected religious expression. Hubbard's Admissions are quite obviously a part of $cientology's "scriptures. On the holiness scale ®, they are holier than the holiest of the Advanced Technology scriptures, because the people who run $cientology won't show them to $cientologists even if they have a half million dollars to pay and agree to the organization implant. Although the Admissions are the holiest of $cientology's scriptures, the Miscavige regime withholds them for the identical commercial, secular, base and criminal reasons they withhold the "OT" "Levels," the "NOT$," and the whereabouts of Xenu's mountain cave. $cientology has set no prerequisites or punishments that I'm aware of for $cientologists reading Hubbard's Admissions, and for that at least I'm grateful. I believe that the Admissions should be read by every $cientologist at whatever point they find themselves on the bridge. $cientologists won't get pneumonia. They might have some good cognitions. ® They might become free. The Admissions were very important to me in my getting free of the web of lies Hubbard and $cientology had spun, and getting free of their domination and suppression. I am posting these writings now with the prayer that they help to free other $cientologists from Hubbard's and Miscavige's lies, domination and suppression. If Hubbard has been humbled and regained his willfully lost humanity, I know he too would want every $cientologist to read all his Admissions. Obviously I don't have any desire to profit monetarily by posting Hubbard's unpublished Admissions. My desire is that these writings help everyone, $cientologist and wog ®, to make informed and better choices about L. Ron Hubbard and $cientology. I was not freed by being a $cientologist, doing $cientology, and having all the experiences, cognitions and trappings of $cientology. I was freed by reading what $cientologists don't get to read, by being what no $cientologist would be, a wog ®, by doing what no $cientologist would do, and having my own experiences, cognitions and stuff. I share Hubbard's Admissions with everyone because God Who created knowledge does not want anyone to be kept ignorant. I stated in the Jan 26, 1997 declaration that the people $cientology identified as violating the organization's copyrights and sued - Grady Ward, Lawrence Wollersheim, Keith Henson, Dennis Erlich, Arnie Lerma, Bob Penny -- were in general agreement that $cientology is not a sincere, and hence real, religion, but is a criminal cult engaged in harmful practices. I also stated that if these people are correct in their assessment, and if they did expose or publish $cientology's "secret" documents, they were and are completely justified in having done so. Repeating what I wrote in the Jan 26, 1997 declaration, "In my opinion this kind of expression is an expected, logical response to Scientology's efforts to corrupt the meaning of religion in order to "sanctify" its antisocial and dangerous mind set and criminal activities. It is expression which cannot legally be prohibited or punished by judicial process." I agree completely that $cientology, that is, $cientology as directed by David Miscavige and his regime, is not a sincere, real religion, but a criminal cult engaged in harmful practices. I could, quite clearly, have posted the Admissions anonymously. I gave it serious consideration, because while I believe these writings, for the peace and health and spirit of so many people, should be posted immediately, I wanted to do what be effective and not the stupid end of martyrdom. I decided against anonymity, however, for a number of reasons. I believe that by U.$., Canadian and international law, and common sense, I am permitted to publish these writings openly. I believe that by common decency, by human and civil rights codes, by being a Prophet to $cientologists (Pt$), and by God Himself, I am urged, in fact directed, to post these writings and post them openly. I am also posting the Admissions openly to confirm their authenticity. The copy I received was not clear in places, and it is now gone. All words, spellings, punctuation and notations are Hubbard's, except for brackets  which are mine. I pray that DM makes the complete original of the Admissions available for $cientologists around the world. Indeed I pray that he reveals every hidden piece of Hubbard's writings, and yes, even his own secret documents, to all $cientologists and interested wogs ®. Robert Vaughn Young and Stacy Brooks at least have read the Admissions and will be able to confirm that what follows here is, within reasonable parameters, authentic. I was very careful, but if there are any errors at all in what I have posted of the Hubbard Admissions, I urge DM to have them corrected. Posting the Admissions, I believe, lessens the threat of harm or murder to silence me, but it ups the revenge factor ®. The person who sent me the copy emphatically doesn't want any trouble. Good Lord, I don't want any trouble, and I'm the guy who typed this copy and will now post it using my own name to a.r.s. The person who sent the copy certainly knew that I would recognize the writings and I'd like to think wanted me to do with them what I've done and what the person was in no position to do. I have not shown what I'm posting to anyone, but I will now email it to certain people when I post it. I am aware that DM will almost certainly attack me. To justify his and $cientology's continuing attack, as Hubbard did for his continuing attacks while he lived, they made attack their organizational policy of choice, or scripture of choice I suppose I should say. Nevertheless, perhaps this is a good time for Miscavige to learn that non-attack is the best policy. I really think the $cientologists would be silly to sue me. Then again I've thought they're silly for years and years and that hasn't deterred them. But perhaps in this instance they can learn to not do another silly thing. I'm giving $cientology and $cientologists another golden opportunity to stop being silly. It's God actually Who gives everyone opportunities to stop being silly. I'm but a simple messenger, with staggering inabilities, and at times admittedly silly. Miscavige's $cientology is willfully silly. Suppression is no accident, it is willful. I am but a prophet who brings $cientologists opportunities to be healed of their willfulness, silliness and suppression. I am aware that the posting of the Admissions makes a godsent legal test case. If I am guided by God, what I have done not being unsafe or immoral, my post is protected expression because it cannot be denied. Without including God, it is clear that $cientology, $cientologists and their agents (for there are wogs ® who are $cientology's agents) are themselves responsible for my actions. What they have done to silence me, to 8-C my body from place to place, to invalidate me, to black PR me, to threaten me, to destroy me, has either been a source of my state of mind, and hence my actions, or God has. (I think it can be agreed that the mind directs actions, rather than actions directing the mind.) If God is directing my actions, how could I do anything else? If DM and his $cientology organization have affected my mind, they bear responsibility for the act about which they might complain. In truth both things are true. God is in control, and DM and $cientology have unclean hands. It is observable throughout history that God sends prophets, and even the unprophetable, to deal with tyrants and regimes whose hands are unclean. A case can be made that my posting Hubbard's Admissions is a fair and appropriate response to DM's dissemination and internet posting of my writing known as the "pig dream." Obviously I held the copyright to that unpublished work. The pig dream was a glimpse in an extremely literary form into the mind of Gerry Armstrong. The Admissions are a glimpse in a different literary form into the mind of L. Ron Hubbard. I certainly don't argue that Hubbard's Admissions are no more important or vital than my pig dream. There is, after all, nobody paying huge sums of money and spending their lives working for Armstrongology. On the other hand, Hubbard's dead. DM had his agents post the pig dream to hurt me. I'm posting Hubbard's Admissions to set $cientologists free. I'll copyright my portion of this post, and hereby give my permission for it to be copied and distributed. For fair use purposes, the context for the post containing theAdmissions is the global controversy about Hubbard, about $cientology's antecedents, about Hubbard's psyche, his honesty or dishonesty, his mental technology, "Excalibur," his promises, his aims, his history, his theology, his hypnotism, his navy record, his non-navy record, and other clearly controversial Hubbard-connected conumdrums. The context is the controversy we see every day on a.r.s. and in media around the world. The period when Hubbard made these Admissions involved John W. Parsons, Sara Northrup, his family, magick, his "development" of "Dianetics" leading to the publication of the book that would make him famous and lead on to $cientology. Funnily, Hubbard and $cientology claim that he was a "Special Officer" for the LAPD in this period and that he was working for the U$ Navy to break up the Parsons "black magic ring." There is a VA record showing that around the time of the Admissions Hubbard sought psychiatric help. Just one last thought, which I'll repeat from my Jan 26, 1997 declaration, and which I pray that DM and his $cientologists take to heart. Although man may attempt to keep God out of his other realms, he surely cannot keep God out of religion, because in this world it is His Realm. That's sort of the message every prophet brings. I hope Hubbard's Admissions are a blessing and a help to all. © 2000 Gerry Armstrong
okay I'm going to try to be calm about this situation... but this guy i've been talking to for the past two months or soo is a FUCKING LIAR. and he lies about every thing under the fucking sun. I mean he's such a good looking guy but he can't stop, he's a pathological liar. Sooo here's the icing on the cake: of course the day after we had sex i go on the internet looking up his name because he had some videos i wanted to show my mom and BEHOLD there is his sn making a post on his so called ex-girlfriend's page on myspace talking about how he misses her and he loves her and wishing her happy valentines day. (feb '08) but he told me he broke up with her NOV '07. he's a fucking retard. fucking sociopath. I could go on and on about the things he lied about...like him going to school, him saying he quit smoking, him saying he didnt have a myspace page....a whole bunch of shit. It just boggles my mind how some men go around lying to women...BEST BELIEVE YOU WILL BE FOUND OUT...no doubt about that cuz yall are stupid and don't cover your tracks. WHAT the HELLLLLLL. before i thought they were just white lies so he didn't look bad infront of me but now they've turned fucking black. I'm sorry guys about the profanity but DAM why can't things run smoothly...why can't he had been up front with me? i already know the answer to that question...he wanted ass and he got it. I'm just as retarded as him..I feel like shit. and if you are wondering...yes i did call him: Him: "HEYY! what's good" ME: " You're a liar, that's what's good" that's all i got to say. FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE
OMG HE IS SOOO HOT!!!!!! OMGGGGG!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE HE LIKES ME!!!!! HE IS SO HOTTTTT!!!!!!!!!! HE IS SO FUNNY AND NICE AND..HES SOOOO HOTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
It is important for me, Victoria Britton - the mother of Kyle Thomas Brennan - to let all of the caring and concerned people know the truth regarding his life and death. Kyle was baptized into the Catholic faith at three months old and was eternally laid to rest as a Catholic on February 22, 2007. The statement that my son died for Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs is completely false. Kyle never practiced, adhered to, or believed in the doctrine of Scientology. He was sent literature from the cult by his father, an avid member of the so-called church located in Clearwater, Florida. I am refraining from using the many negative adjectives that Kyle used to describe their beliefs after reading the literature sent him, but absurd and ludicrous were two of his favorites. I am uncertain as to what unfortunate events led to the tragic death of my dear son, who at the time was staying with his Scientologist father. I can say that his depression medication was not found on his person when the police searched the crime scene. I was also informed that when Kyle's father found him he waited forty-five minutes before calling for medical assistance. He called a fellow Scientologist first, and then waited for him to arrive on the scene before calling an ambulance or the police. The thought of this inhuman behavior will haunt me for the rest of my life. There are no words to describe how a mother feels when she has lost a child. In many ways, I am able to cope by pretending he is still with us. Whenever I see a group of college-age young men, I look for my son's face among them hoping to find him. He looks back at me with his beautiful blue eyes. He's smiling . . . and he's wearing his favorite blue shirt. Peace Be With You
Kyle Brennan was a young man who suffered from depression. He lived with his mother as his father (a scientologist) lived in Clearwater Florida to be close to the organization’s headquarters. The father regularly sent Scientology materials to his son which Kyle considered ridiculous. Kyle visited his father for a holiday and died in his care. According to Kyle’s mother: “I am uncertain as to what unfortunate events led to the tragic death of my dear son, who at the time was staying with his Scientologist father. I can say that his depression medication was not found on his person when the police searched the crime scene. I was also informed that when Kyle’s father found him he waited forty-five minutes before calling for medical assistance. He called a fellow Scientologist first, and then waited for him to arrive on the scene before calling an ambulance or the police. ”
i'm goin out with a guy hes really nice and cute but the thing is, he's not really that trendy. sometimes i feel embarrassed to go out with him. i've suggested that we should go shopping together and he said yes. I know this is shallow. but i know some of you would understand what i'm trying to say. its a turn off...
Everyone yapping on their phones, online, in person, etc.. Same shit, different medium. Certainly it's been abundantly demonstrated that words are worthless. These, too. Blah, blah.
Enlightenment is merely what is in the absence of any superimposition of a notion of "self", "selves", "person", "persons", etc. Forgetting about all that latter nonsense, there's immediate clarity and peace. It's not just losing "your" "self". It's realizing there never was such a thing. That's the trick. It's not a (or, worse yet, "your") "self" trying to become something (e.g. "enlightened", "selfless"). It's the simple realization there never was, is not, and never will be such a thing. Realizing it sets "you" free. LOL!
Ex Sprint Employees recently laid off, lets hear it. SPEAK UP, Let your voice be heard........
Saturday morning. Wake up on my friend's couch after a long night of drinking. Don't remember what happened after a certain period... I hate when that happens, knew I should have had dinner. Shit I have to give someone a haircut at noon. It's nine. I have to wake up my friend to drive me home since she picked me up yesterday. I drag myself to her room and plop down on her bed. After about an hour of reminiscing ("you were killing me, you started throwing stuff out of your purse, no wonder you lost your phone"- oh yeah, I lost my phone), I get her out of bed and we head to my house. On the way home, might as well smoke a bowl, after all it might help my hangover and I have over an hour before the haircut, so I won't be high by then. I should eat something when I get home, but my stomach hurts and the weed might help with that. Get home: my dad is in town for the weekend. I never see him. He could use a haircut, so being the amazing daughter that I am, I offer to cut his hair before my appointment at noon. We go right in, even though I'm starving. This was clearly a mistake. After I start on him, I begin to feel lightheaded. This is not a normal hangover. Shit, I'm really lightheaded, dizzy, starting to black out, oh shit. I already started on his hair. I excuse myself to get a drink and leave him in the chair. I barely make it the ten feet to the kitchen. Grab for a bottle of water, can't get it, it crashes onto the floor. Shit, I didn't mean to make noise, don't want to draw attention to my current state, then I crash onto the floor next to it. Fuck, I can't get up. My dog comes in, is worried. My dad is still in the next room, has no idea. Damn it, I need something... a soda would be better, get some sugar in my system. I manage to pull myself up and grab a soda. Sit down in a chair. Take a gulp, oh shit, I can't control my body I'm blacking out. I start convulsing. This has happened to me before, but it's so freaky. My doctor said it's not really a seizure, there's just not enough oxygen getting to my brain. Isn't that what a seizure is? It feels like one. My dog is watching, concerned. My dad is still in the next room and has no idea that his daughter is convulsing. Finally I get control over my body. Need to lay down, just for a second, then I'll finish his haircut. I make it into the next room and lay down, ah it feels so good. My dog is following me around, I feel so bad. After a minute, I make myself get up. Go into the room. "Sorry, I dropped my water, had to clean it up." I can't believe this works, but it does. I finish the haircut. As soon as I'm done, my appointment is here. Shit, no time to eat, I need food. At least I have a soda now. I do the haircut as fast as possible, though I'm clearly very pale and don't look well. The haircut looks fine, he says it's fine, pays me, that was hell but it didn't take too long. I thank him and show him out. Now I eat. In the room with both of my parents, they have no idea what I just went through. I eat fast, and then immediately go to my room and pass out forever. Well, I don't pass out immediately, because I'm kinda freaked out, but it feels good to just lay down. Eventually I wake up. Friend wants to go out again tonight. Fine, but I want to take it easy, I've had a rough day. She's hungover too, doesn't want to get too crazy. We go out and she asks me if I want to be in a threesome with her. WTF? We've never done anything like that before. Well, there was one time in highschool that we had a three way kiss, but that's the closest I've ever gotten. I don't know about this. I've never considered anything like this, where did it come from? This guy she met asked her and she wouldn't do it with anyone else. Well, I haven't gotten laid in a while, but I don't know. I tell her maybe. We drink, but not as much, and I'm so tired that we are back at her house by one. I fall asleep on her couch. About an hour later, she says the guy is coming over. Damn, I don't feel like doing it tonight, I make myself scarce when he gets over and then plop down on the couch and try to sleep. Hear them going at it, it's a little akward. But whatever. When they are done he comes out and sees me, I pretend to sleep. Wonder what it would be like... oh shit I realize I have to work tomorrow morning. This weekend will never end.
Theory 1169 test I am going to the market to buy some fish.
So obviously, there's this boy, and he used to be the best boy friend anyone could ask for. He did everything plus more that I could have ever asked for, and I guess I just got bored. Because he broke up with me over a silly fight and instead of taking him back when he came back begging, I chose to stay apart. Then, I went out and too much fun with a couple of guys over the next six months. We got back together once I realized I really did love him and I wanted to be with him. I told him the truth about everything when he asked, thinking this was the best idea, honesty's the best policy, right? Wrong! So we were together for another 6 months or so and he started treating me like shit. The he breaks up with me, tells me he can't get over thee things I did when we weren't together, that he doesn't love me anymore, and that he basically doesn't care if I'm alive or not. He waits of course until I'm head over heels for him to do this. I dont know what to do. I've tried to move on, but I really love him. I mean I would have to to still want him after everything he's said to me and done to me. But I don't know how to get it across to him theat the past is just that. And that it didn't mean anything. I really need help!
hmm… well, it’s a Saturday night… just chillin at the crib with mama. as always. my internet’s down for the moment so I have just started typing on a word doc. just pondering my loneliness and lack of affection, that’s all (woe is me =P)… it recently occurred to me that I may have intimacy issues (im 20, btw). Im gonna be completely anonymous so I can make this as candid as possible. >>quick note as these are mostly random thoughts, the topics will be a little out of order<< I just stay so worried that ill never find love all the time that the thought of ever having romantic interaction with ANYONE seems improbable. I mean- im afraid ill never be comfortable during kissing, exclusive relationships, intercourse or other forms of sexual contact- I feel like such a freak sometimes. im twenty years old. never had a boyfriend (except this make-believe guy I invented to my friends in my freshman year of high school whom I have almost come to think of as a real person), never had sex, only kissed two guys open-mouth in my whole life (and I pulled away EACH time before it got too deep because I wasn’t sure I was doing it right and ONE of those times was my gay best friend trying to teach me. I know. sad). im also very hygiene conscious… wondering if I’ll smell the way im supposed to and if I should have to “freshen up” each time before intercourse. also (and I know this part is normal) im body conscious [mostly boobs, midsection and cellulite] and I wonder if that will inhibit my sex life. and then theres hair- I have coarse, dark, stubborn hair and alabaster skin- not a great combination. this isn’t CURRENTLY a problem because I don’t show off my armpits, vajayjay, or calves (all my problem areas) but I AM afraid that it will turn into a problem during sex (it IS a problem in the way of swimsuits, btw). and not to sound vain or be annoying, but Im pretty. I probably wouldn’t feel that I was that pretty if I didn’t hear it all the time, but apparently I am. really- strangers, acquaintances, close friends and family, they tell me how pretty I am all the time without my asking. “you are so pretty” “you are a beautiful girl” “so, name, how many boyfriends do you have?” “are you married yet?” “youre not a lesbo, are you? (and nothing against lesbos, but im not one)” “I cant believe someone as gorgeous as you is single”<<sorry, I just wanted to give you the picture] personality-wise, I think im pretty cool. im friendly, polite to strangers, try to be a good listener, I can be goofy, I flirt a lot. I have my flaws, of course, but yeah im okay. I guess my intimacy issues are the problem. I will NOT let myself get romantically close to anyone. guys ask me out a lot and I turn them down. most of the time its because im not interested. sometimes its because im scared of what people will think of me and that person together if hes not my usual type (tall, handsome, mysterious, athletic). sometimes its because I am such a nervous wreck about dating and I worry if I will do things right or screw everything up (be it kissing or sex or the relationship itself). and if theres no physical attraction there, I wont even consider it- ill just write the guy off as a buddy. and I REALLY don’t want a guy with any obvious self-esteem issues because I have enough of those for the both of us. also, ive noticed that the guys I like are all unavailable. like the guy im crushing on now- he recently moved like 100 miles away (too far away to date) and I cant get him outta my mind, I just peek at his myspace every once in a… day. and IF the guy just happens to be attractive, geographically available, single and interested in me (a rarity), he always turns out to be EMOTIONALLY unavailable (ie- I don’t want a girlfriend right now, im just lookin for somebody to chill with AKA let’s be friends with benefits) and I don’t wanna give my virginity to someone who wants nothing but sex. im embarrassed to tell people that aren’t my close family or best friends that im a virgin, because I don’t know another twenty year old virgin who hasn’t been on tv. some guys have even asked me if im a virgin because I wont talk to them about my sex life and I get SO embarrassed (both that they can tell and that they know my age)! don’t get me wrong… I feel that being a virgin is a virtue and know that some people would kill to get their virginity back- but i really want to experience sexual intimacy. plus- ive never had an orgasm. never given myself one, never let someone else give me one…. I have NEEDS, ya know! Ive also noticed that I wont really be that into a guy, then when I find out he has a girlfriend or wife I am. but im no homewrecker, Ive never acted on or tried to pursue any of these attractions. ALSO I wont consider dating a guy that is ALREADY in any way connected to my family, I mean for example a guy who hangs out with my cousins or uncles or whoever. I want there to be NO attachment between this guy and any family member of mine before I have an attachment to him, that way none of my family members get involved or know any of our business beforehand. do I sound anti-social? I hope im not coming off that way, I love people. ANYWAY, it just makes me so sad that all I have are guy friends and that all of my girl friends (and some guy friends) have boyfriends and im all alone on a Saturday night. ive never been to a club. its not because I don’t like crowds or anything. while I AM self-conscious about how ill look in what I consider to be clubwear, mostly its people watching me dance that worries me. Im afraid of dancing with a guy and him thinking “dang, this girl has no rhythm.”or other people seeing me dance and thinking the same thing. I have this recurring nightmare of becoming an old maid or that weird cat lady. also, I have a relationship, albeit strained, with Jesus Christ and for a while (when It was much closer and I was trying to live right) I didn’t mind not dating because that meant zero temptation to fornicate. I have since strayed, however, and now party like I used to, talk like I used to and frequently blow off praying and meditating on the Bible like I used to. but im still not dating. whats wrong with me? why am I all nerves about love and dating and all that stuff? and why do I get ahead of myself and think of every guy that catches my eye as being a potential boyfriend, lover or husband? why am I not attracted to guys that are available? and this may seem weird, but I think fear of being a bad kisser plays a big part in it because most all girls my age at least know how to kiss and im afraid to tell a guy im not that experienced at it and then be bad at it (again, sorry for being so random). It feels good to get this out, even if its anonymous. ive tried to work in everything I can think of here and I do not judge anyone who has taken the time to read all of this because, after all, I took the time to type all of it… I would GREATLY appreciate any input that anyone has… be it advice, personal experiences, criticism, whatever… id just like to know that im not alone in the universe…
hello, I'm just waiting for my depression to go away. there are so many things I'm not good at. I'm not good at making something out of a rubbish situation. I don't know how to fill voids. Oh - I hope everything will be ok. I don't know how I'm going to continue my work with a mental condition like this. I don't know how to stop complaining. Oh...
okay so i go to the gym but my body is still digusting i cant take it anymore, how do i lose weight, i want to be skinny, i cant stand my body i want to scream
Ok, so I moved to a new area almost a year ago and have no real friends here. I am upset by this. I had several people in high school, undergrad, and grad school that I would call good friends that I still keep in touch with (mostly). But now in my first professional opinion, I feel lonely as hell. I have tried to connect with some of the people at my job, but it is so awkward and I feel absolutely no interest from anyone else. Why should they care though, I am the only new person and they all have very full lives here. I feel like such a burden to myself and them for the positions I am in right now. I really miss just hanging out with people, playing a fun game of RISK, a full night of mario kart or super smash bros, or just going at at 1 a.m. for a game of spades at an all night diner. I miss people. I miss being valued for who I am in stead of people looking at me awkwardly because they do not want to even try to get to know me. I miss knitting parties and hanging out with a glass of wine and a movie in the background. I miss all of it right now. I have tried to make new friends, but find it very difficult. Many of my coworkers have been ruled out and I have moved on. I have not found any community resources that help me at all. I should also reveal that I am MTF transgender and have many reservations about meeting new people because of the hate and bias I have faced in my life because of what people think they know about me. Fuck this feeling of loneliness.
Life is too much.. After enduring working 4 jobs, moving to yet another new country and leaving all that is familiar (friends and family) behind, abortion, rape, sadness and death I finally, now, today, had enough.. Enough of hypocritical idiots who ruin my life and thoughts by their ignorance, enough of people who thrive on the misery of others, enough of inconsiderate idiots and unkind humans and hurtfulness and pain and enough of this life where people hurt animals and each other and don't even notice that they're causing so much grief.. Humans are horrible awful creatures.. Give me an island...
i need to go to bed, but i cant sleep. i guess i just feel numb. numb to all the shit thats been going on. I've cried and laughed over it all and felt every possible emotion in the past week that i don't think i can feel anymore. i'm done. love is bullshit. i want to go to mexico.
Just wanted to wish everyone a very happy Easter!
I thought i was over it. I told myself, and others, I was so over him. It's like everytime I get it all together he reenters and fucks it up. I miss him. I still love him. I hate that i miss and love him. He sucks. he leads me on, and makes me think that we will get back together and then drops me again. I know i'm an idiot, and I know i shouldn't accept his calls or spend anytime with him. But i am in love with him. And when it's good with us, it's so good. Like the lyrics of that song "it's not so bad, you're only the best I ever had." Whyyy. I so thought i was over him. My heart feels crushed in to a million pieces. It's like we get so far and then he totally shuts down his feelings and is so cold to me emotionally. I really thought he was the one, but I guess I was more wrong that I ever was before. I thought I was above it, I laughed at my previous weaknesses. I guess I'm not the strong, emotionless person I thought I had turned myself into. fuck.
I do my job well. I do my job well because I want to look good and I want promotions and more money ultimately, but also because I know what I do affects the productivity and competency of others at my company. It pisses me off that others don't share that personal conviction. I don't want to work with people like that, but alas, I always will. Will I always bitch?
Dear Reader, I'm writing to tell you about me. I'm really not sure what possesed me to do this but I guess I got to get it out somewhere. I don't expect you to be very interested in what I'm writing, but I'll do it all the same. If nothing else I'll talk to myself, I do that a lot anyways... Don't worry about responding, I don't even know if you can, but don't. I don't need a response, I just need someone to listen, to hear me, to feel and understand. I'm hoping you're not blind like most I know, maybe you are, in which case I'll be talking to myself. I'd ask you how you are, but I really don't care. I'm not trying to be mean or malicious, it's just I get enough of everyone else's problems, I really don't care about yours. Which is ironic, because you're probably thinking the same thing about this entry. I don't blame you. I guess I could give you a quick not so descriptive description of myself. I have two eyes, two arms, two legs, hair, and two ears. I have friends and I've read several books. Now that that's over with, we can move on. (WARNING: I am not responsible for any whining and/or angst) About a month or so I was hospitalized (psych ward). Let me tell you that is no fun place, or in other words RUN if they come after you. I was there for about a week and a few days, not too long but certainly long enough. Now they got me on medication. Fun! (sarcasm) I don't think it helps. I feel like.... our we allowed to curse on here? Oh, well anyways I have anxiety which brought on depression. I'm not so sure if I'm depressed but, I definintely still have anxiety. It's killing me. No one understands, it hurts so much. I don't want to fight it anymore, I can't find a reason too. It ... sucks! My mom's went of "to be by herself", which sucks because I have separation anxiety and appearently I'm the cause of her leaving! Well, don't that just make you peachy! It's funny how when you right you eventually forget what you were going to say... er maybe thats just me, but I'm done is the point. Thanks for listening... I love you, NOT IN A CREEPY WAY. In a human way, a friendly way. I won't turn my back on you.... Best Regards, Me
Guys' minds are so one-tracked.....u know? like they seriously suck at multi-tasking. and we make them out to be so special and great...when really? they're just a step up from the monkeys they once were. interesting that they still practically run my life...very interesting....
My seventh grade class went on a field trip the other day. I brought my digital camera because we were going to the top of a mountain and I thought I could get some pretty pictures. I'm a little shy but I love photographing nature. Well we did the lesson about the kinds of trees, and then we were eating lunch before going back to school. I was taking some photos and eating a sandwich and the light was really nice. There was a cliff with a bench in front and a nice view. Behind it and to the right was a large boulder. I stood to the left of the boulder and toyed with the focus. A moment later a boy and girl from my class came and sat on the bench (it faced away from me). I was a little upset they came to partially block the view but apparently they could not see me so I decided to let it go. The boy put his arm around the girl. I thought, Oh... But it was sort of sweet so I took the photo and I regret it. I guess I thought they'd never know and it was a really nice photo. I wasn't going to show anyone. Then they walked away and I took some more pictures and forgot about it. On the bus back to school I was sitting alone and looking over the pictures (they were all pretty nice). All of a sudden I heard the two girls behind me talking about how the boy in the photo was "going out" with a girl not in the photo. I swear my heart stopped. It didn't seem like such a cute photograph anymore. I don't want to think about it, first that kids in my class are going out and second that anyone would cheat. Well my friends wanted to see my pictures so I showed them except for the bad one. Now I want to cry. It isn't a fair choice! Do I keep the boy's nasty secret, or break the cheated-on girl's heart? I never want to take a photo again. :'-(
This will be my last post on these anonymous things. I posted plenty of fake secrets on facebook's "post secrets" and "bathroom wall" for pure shock value. Well I posted one on socialmoth, a real craptacular epic, and my school got ahold of it. "Anonymous" my ass. They tracked me down pretty well, right to my name, and took it very seriously. Now let's be honest, when there seems to be absolutely no risk of getting caught, it's fun as hell to pose as a homocidal suicidal person with vengeance against parents and friends and past school systems, and who wants to kill everyone on earth, 'cause some of the comments you get are priceless. But when school takes things seriously, and you get suspended for two and possibly more days, and you're told you have to get counselling, and your parents are brought in to read the secrets, and things go down on your permanent record, and you're humiliated, and can't possibly explain why it's fun to lie and freak people out without sounding like a bad person and making your punishment worse, things are not so fun. A word of advice. Don't get too honest. Don't talk about anything that can get you in trouble. There's no such a real thing as "anonymous."
I'm finding myself wanting to edit everyone's posts. you guys (and gals) suck at grammar. and punctuation. and spelling. yes, that's right, I'm error-free :) heh.
Can you imagine how it feels for your family to be ripped apart for one unspeakable thing one person has done? How it feels for that one person be one of the closest people to you? for that thing they done to be such a taboo and something that 'happens to other people' or you only 'read it in the papers'? how about if the person who done it was just a child, yet you still cant bring yourself to speak of what they done? how torturing it is to hate them for what they have done yet miss them like HELL? How it would have been a lot easier to deal with if they had died? or if the one person getting you through it all seems to be drifting away like a piece of drift wood? how you feel guilty for rare moments of laughter and/or happiness, for planning for the future, for thinking the wrong do-er dead...for disregarding they were ever in your family? how about knowing there is nothing you can do to make it go away, theres no broom strong enough and no rug big enough to sweep it away. no forceful wind will blow it away...nothing will stop it...it will rear its ugly head from now till the end of time... how it feels to lie to people you care for as to why youre sad and angry and to have to lie about whats wrong? fake smiles give you jaw ache after a while...people see through your 'laughter' and noone can take away the pain that shows in the eyes of everyone thats affected...yet he sits there in his perfect little world getting all he feels he deserves and feeling hard done by and manipulating anyone who will listen to his way of thinking...well he will deserve everything he will get. no longer a part of this family at such a raw tender age... this once happy go lucky girl has been crushed...but she will be back no little maggot that can do that to my babies will win over us...we're united more so now and you're no longer welcome at this table
I swear you two are gay and Furner is the Bitch. Does Wyatt make you call him the gummie master? Your designs are ugly. Tim Wyatt and Tim Furner from Highland Group do a crapy ugly job in designing homes. They're ugly too.
i'm sorry that sometimes i seem dissatisfied with our not having sex. I appreciate you very much for being so resistant to my advances. I'm trying to make fewer advances.
Just to start, this is not a cry for help, or anything like that. It is just a place where I can vent and not worry about my friends seeing. If you start to think 'stop whining', the back button is just up there :) Have you ever felt there is more to your life than what you are living? You may have done, it's a common human thing to wonder and wish for more than what you have. My days are grey; yes there are parts that brighten up due to spending time with certain people, but I can't bother them 24/7? If you read this and think 'they sound like depressive symptons', you're bang on. I do have depression, it's become an everyday part of life for me now that I know that I have it. People say I'll get better and that things will brighten up. I don't doubt that they will, but if I'm truly honest, I don't want to get better. Yes I felt terrible when I crashed last time. I prayed to God to let me go because I just didn't see the point in anything. I still don't really, but there's a buffer there that stops me wanting to die so far. But despite feeling terrible, I felt alive. It showed I had feelings and that I wasn't numb. Because that is how I am now. The laughs that I share with people now, the smiles, the memories that I should cherise really are just hollow. And I'd rather feel terrible than numb. My friends will ask how I am, and I shrug it off and say 'yeah I'm fine now'. They persist bless them, and I know it's just because they care. But I don't want to sound like a stuck record. And that is why I am writing this here because I know they won't see it, and then feel bad or feel burdened by me. Though writing that, I'll probably end up showing them this in some mad moment. And if so, HEY!! I am fine honest. That is why I love the wind and the cold and the rain. Reader, I live by the sea. And I enjoy nothing more than to walk down there and feel the wind whip my hair around my face and feel the cold nip at my hands. I feel alive reader. Because then I know that I am not just a shell. I have so much stuff that needs to be doing, there is no room for me to crash. I have to pack, I have to write, I have to be the person that everyone knows me as. The smiley one who, yes despite having depression, can work through it and look after people. Others come before me dear reader. If you were to see me and were in need of help, I would try to make sure you were 100% before I turned my sights inwards. I have rambled long enough I fear, and for those of you still reading, I congratulate you. I probably would have pressed back by now. This post does not exactly follow a coherent pattern. Just a stream of one person's thoughts. But surely is that not what this entire website is? x
ok this is gonna sound soooo pathetic but this bugged the HELL out of me today!! so there i was in tesco's helpin out me folks and we gets to the check out...! i dont have a problem with people who have jobs in places like tesco but this woman was a fucking moron!! lol she did her beep beep thing with the barcodes and what-not then she was throwing the food down!! how fucking rude!! we dont come to your shop and spend money for you to wreck the goods before we've even left the shop!! i probably sound well snotty but what the hell she was fucking moron and this is 100% annon!!
why do i always fall for another guy when i'm already with a man a million girls would die for.. it seems like whenever i feel down, and someone comes along to share my grief with them, with a click, just like that, i'd feel so attached with that person.. it annoys me, because i shouldn't behave in such way. i just wanna be happy with the man i chose, to feel satisfied and truthfull to him. it gets me down most of the time cos it seems like i cant be happy with the person i am with and i keep on looking for more.. it is really unfair what i'm doing to him.. i'm such a retard..
But we live together. And we're good together, in many ways. And I hate the thought of hurting her. She's very open in saying how I'm exactly her type. But I've come to understand she's not what I really want. She is in ways, but not in enough ways. And in the ways she's not, she's not in spades. Yet I do love her "as a person", as it's said. But just not enough to be honest with her about this, apparently.
About a week ago I made a decision to stop saying "I wish ______." it's just complaining. and complaining doesn't do anything but make me more miserable, not to mention the people around me. Since I've decided to stop "wishing," i'm constantly catching myself doing it. Tonight in the bathtub, i knew what has to be done. I wish... ...I could have repetative orgasms until I threw up & have the begin again when I recovered...I didn't live with my parents anymore...money was abundant...the weight would melt away...that boy would show me how much he likes me...I had more self-restraint...I didn't feel like I have to pretend all the time...I could just relax...I would have waited longer before I decided to have sex...I knew for sure that I don't have a drinking problem...I would quit smoking...I could get high again...I could have sex with my ex...my ex wasn't 20 years older than me and didn't have 6 kids & 3 ex-wives...my body didn't have so much hair on it...I didn't sweat as much...I was prettier...I had something charming to say in every circumstance...I had finished college...there was someone I could be completely honest with about every aspect of my life...I didn't have to go to work in the morning...I felt better about myself...I was certain of who I am...my periods wouldn't hurt so bad...I wasn't so mean to my mother...my brother would come back to us...I didn't have to wear braces on my legs...I could get off on something besides lesbian porn...I wasn't sleeping alone tonight...he would hold me tighter when I sleep next to him...he would look at me more than he looks at the television...I had chosen to live differently in college...I didn't have any secrets...I couldn't hear my parents arguing right now...I felt compassionate about people like I used to...every thought I had wasn't so self-involved...I had a driver & a personal shopper...my room was clean...that orgasm thing again...I didn't live so far away from town...I could walk for longer stretches...I could beat him at pool, or any game for that matter...he would put his tongue in my mouth more often...I felt like laughing more often. I'm sure you were expecting something juicier than that.
Bueche Consulting, San Antonio, Texas was the best business consulting firm our corporation ever hired. Mr. Bueche gets the job done. Thanks to him we are made a profit again and expanded into three more states plus we received the capital we needed in a superb equity investment transaction. OHD Company.
Humans are a pound-of-cure-mongering species. Whoa, check that! Make that ton-of-cure. Think about locks (for bicycles, cars, doors, safes, etc.), information security (passwords, passphrases, encryption, captchas, etc.), weaponry/enforcement (personal, police, armies, etc.). Government.... Is there an ounce of prevention in all that? Yes there is: Raise better human beings. Or continue on in the horrific isometric snafu of protecting ourselves from ourselves....
Out of my group of friends, I am the "single one." The one who never has a boyfriend. I'm fiercely independent, I'm strong-willed, I don't answer to anyone. I like to flirt, to have fun. When I bring up a guy I've dated, or an ex-boyfriend, my friends tell me how strange it is to think of me that way. As a girlfriend. I smile and go along with it. I tell them how happy I am to be single. How I don't need a guy to make me happy. I have no idea why I do this... How do I tell my friends that they are wrong about me? Completely and absolutely. I want to have someone that will be there for me, that I can be comfortable with, whom I can laugh with and cry with. I want to get butterflies in my stomach when I see his face. I want to feel my heart race at the mere mention of his name. I want to fall in love, and be loved in return. Why can't I find that? Why does everyone seem to think that I'm better off without alone? No one wants to be alone. I don't want to be alone...not anymore.
I've been battling with depression off and on for the last few years and it seems like it's a battle I'm currently losing. I cam to the conclusion that depression is like a vast dark ocean. The deeper you go in it the greater the pressure becomes until finally you can't move, breathe, think. Your whole world becomes about the pressure and all you do is hope that it kills you sooner rather than later. Well, and here is where the rant part comes in, I'm not going to let it crush me. My life seems to be going nowhere, so it's time to find some direction. My marriage has no passion, so it's time to either find a way to reconnect or get the fuck out of dodge. It's time to take my thumb out of my ass, stop waiting to die and get on with my life. God, I am so tired of being tired...and miserable...and feeling so goddamned alone. So here's my vow. I will win. No stupid chemical imbalance in my brain is going to rob me of a good, happy, fruitful life. My life will not be ruled by emotions programmed in by an out of whack set of wiring. I can beat this. I will win. Thanks for letting me say that.