I have been married for almost 9 years. Together almost 11. Have 2 kids, 6 and 2. We fight all the time, mostly about finances. We're middle class. His issue- Have some debt (under $10) and the usual monthly bills. House payment, utilities, 2 car payments, etc. I think I haven't "loved" him for about 7 years. I stay for my kids. He is NOT a happy person. I think he has to create stess or problems. He can't just let things go. He is a yeller!!! I yell also, but nowhere near him. I am an extremely happy person, the only time I am not happy is when I am with him. My whole family, me included, is religious. This is another reason I feel I need to stay in my marriage. But I am sure God doesn't want his children unhappy til death do us part. I have seen the damage to kids of divorce. I have also seen the damage to kids in an unhappy environment. I am so torn. I wish I had the courage to leave. On the other hand, I feel waiting til all our debt is paid off would be more beneficial. I am losing my mind. I talk myself into staying for this, that or the other reason. Maybe I need someone to tell me it's ok to leave. I don't know what I want for real, anymore. Maybe just to get it all out, maybe advice, who knows. I do feel better, so thank you for this blog.
I'm quite up and down emotionally and experience time of mild to moderate depression with some anxiety for which I take antidepressants. I'm currently a bit depressed. I'm married with a full time job & have so much going for me in life. there isn't any reason for my mental health and I've experienced 5 episodes of depression since I was 18 and I'm not 25.
How do we learn to accept ourselves, when we have depressive tendencies and emotional instability. I'm so up and down and get upset about small things. I've cried twice at work recently and can't seem to help crying sometimes. the last 2 weeks I've said I would go to social meetups at work in the evenings but when I get home I just want to hide away and be alone that I haven't gone.
I feel like the only one who hides away and cannot trust or be in control of one's feelings.
Over the weekend I wasn't motivated to do anything so I just ate and slept. Is that ok?
You know, as an adult, when no one enforces rules over your free time, what is ok and what isn't? If you don't have to get out of bed in the morning is it ok to stay in bed 'til 1?
Is it ok to fail to keep up boring jobs at work?
I don't know...
I know I'm a perfectionist and perhaps have a distorted view on reality. I will get upset if I see other people who are in a similar position who don't have my mental health problems, as I'm very comparitive. I guess it's ok to have problems isn't it? It's ok to have a mental health problem? Is it ok for a health professional to have a treated mental health problem?
At the moment I'm stuck in my cotton wool brain, my own introspective world.
How much should I push myself and try to get out of this? I've made things worse in the past by trying and struggling to no avail. I don't have that normal survival instinct of struggling to keep going when I can't see a solution. I'm too perfectionist.
Yep, I kill animals for a living. i am a Certified Animal Euthanasia Technician. And sometimes it really sucks to do something so bad for all the right reasons. You might get angry with me because this is what I do and no matter how downtrodden I get sometimes I will defend myself to the end. I've seen too many animals that have been abused, undernourished, sick and too damn wild to touch to not know I am doing a good thing. How can anyone say it is fair to have a shelter animal imprisoned in a cage for days, months sometimes even years? Every animal reacts differently some all it takes is a day other can maintain themselves for months before becoming so upset refusing to eat, mutilating themselves or screaming unbtil they lose their voice.....and how can I not say this is for the 'right' reasons. I can't save them all and I certainly cannot take the thousands (yes thousands..) each year I euthanize home with me. Yes, my job really sucks sometimes but then there are the moments when you attach yourself to a certain one and they find the "perfect" adoptive parents. Any adoption is great but when it is for someone special you wanna cry both because you hate to see them go and you are so happy they got a home and have the opportunity to go out the front door instead of the rear. So before you judge me, remember I dont get pleasure from what I do, I am not stone hearted rather just the opposite my passion for animals is what enables to be kind until the very end............
I am so tired of living with depression and anxiety. I wish I could turn off my over-active brain and have two minutes of quiet. I am tired of taking meds, seeing therapists, talking about depression, thinking about it, hiding it. I function really well- hold down a job and participate in lots of activities. I drink too much, I always want to sleep, my house is a mess, and I can't enjoy my relationships. I'm worried I'll end up old and alone. Everything worries me. I worry I won't ever get a job that I love, I worry my parents are going to get sick. I worry I'll get hit by a car. I worry that I'm not lovable. I worry that I'm going to end up a wasted human being. I worry I'll never really be happy again.
hello, it's me from 'cotton wool in the brain' fame. One of my professors once said 'don't force yourself to do what you're not ready to do'. It's difficult because there were points today where my mind was saying that everything was too much and I couldn't cope even though objectively nothing has changed. I've been very introspective and numb and am finding it hard to be objective or get on with things. I want to just hide away.
I don't have much interest in other people at the moment. I just want to hide away. I feel so vulnerable and numb and weak having such a weak emotional disposition.
There are many points during the day when I'm just carrying round this train of depression and it makes you feel crap whatever you're doing. I guess I realised it's ok to have a problem. One has to learn to deal with it. I thank God I've made it through this day at work. Only He knows the internal struggles I go through.
Alright, so here I go again. My husband hasn't been home ALL fucking weekend. I am so tired of his drinking. He is STUPID when he's drunk and I have no patience with him at all. He has no memory at all. He says I never want sex... Maybe if he didnt smell like the inside of a Nat Light can, I would! And another thing... Why is it that he is so ready to help his friends at the drop of a hat, and it is like pulling teeth getting him to even give the kids a bath? I love him, but I am SO tired of living like this. I am mad at him all the time. If I was a physically confrontive person, I would knock the shit out of him.
Good morning all and happy saturday!!!! I was just going through, trying to relax for once, and reading some of the blogs on this site and let me just say I'm glad I have a solid foundation of love and positive thinking because I feel the negativity radiating from most who write on here could have sent me into a hole!! I just wanted to say to everyone out there, and I'm sure some of you reading agree with me 100%, that LIFE IS A FABULOUS GIFT!!! Wow, you wake up every day with eyes to see, ears to hear, legs to walk around on, and most likely a warm bed, food in your belly, and even a computer with which you are using to COMPLAIN! We all only have a short time on this earth, during which we have been blessed with this phenomenal freedom to make decisions and learn from mistakes, experience beauty, help our fellow mankind, laugh, love, cry, and LIVE!! Rather than constantly dwelling on the things in your life you are not happy with, and we all have them, why not look at the things you take for granted every day and be grateful! When I'm having a bad day or even begin to feel rough, my favorite thing to do is give to someone else. One of our six basic needs as humans is to feel significant, and it seems to me that is what most of you are lacking in. When you think you've got it bad, take some muffins or $1 menu sandwiches to some homeless people and just see the look of gratefulness in their eyes when they realize they don't have to beg and search for their next meal. Talk to them for a minute, keep them company, and I guarantee you will walk away knowing that they will never forget you and meanwhile you will gain such perspective on what it is YOU take for granted. I'm not meaning this to come off as some sort of lecture, but it pains me to see ANYONE in this world anything but jazzed about life, and I hope I can help just one person come out of the hole that they have put themselves in...even if just for a moment. God gave you life for a REASON, whether you believe in Him or not, so what good does it do you or anyone around you to feel sorry for yourself and not live the life you have been given?! I hope you all have a fabulous weekend, and know that only YOU can decide to open your heart to the reality that life is a GIFT, NOT a burden, SO LIVE WITH PASSION!!! See the sunrise beyond the smog! Much love, smiles all around, and God Bless! :-)
I am just curious if anyone here has ever used or know anyone who has used one of those devices to find hidden cameras. Just wondering if they work. Thanks for your time!!! Make it a phenomenal weekend!
Hello (adieu after I receive applicalbe advice), Is a person's life worth more dead than alive? I mean this in the context of not only perceived loved ones (whom I know see me as more of a nuisance), but to society at large? I am 54 and have been battliing mental illness and co-morbid disorders most of my life? Sorry, T.S. Eliot, but it can be too late to be what you might have been. There is a point of diminishing returns when it comes to efforts to recoup a life, be it character defects or genetic makeup. As I figure it, if I make the necessary arrangements within 30 days, all my creditors will be paid off and there will be a modest sum (that is entirely relative to the point of reference as far as income) for my beneficiaries. I have requested that I be cremated and pray to God that my remainds aren't toxic waste (in the current administration's enforcement of environmental regulations, as long as I am constituted primarily as oil or a biochemical weapon, I am worth a mininum casualty count). Please don't expound upon me about how selfish I am being or how weak I am for not being able to "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and end this cycle. The machine is broken beyond repair. Be it defect of character or genetics, I can no longer struggle. I've hit the poop deck, so to speak. Just give me advice on how to minimize the cost and maximize the returns of my death. I have modest investments that could easily cover my current debt load, leaving compensation for anybody in my life that may be inconvenienced by my parting. I wish I could call myself, (Cagey K) P.S. This is my first, and hopefully, final blog entry ever - enough for Ripley's Believe it or Not. For the under 25 set, that is par with sparring with Simon Cowle or texting Miley Cyrus.
Who the hell cares? So what if there are tv shows with Lesbian moms? Isn't that more true to life than this "perfect" family on most tv shows where there is mom dad 2 kids and all is perfect? Our society is very diverse and acceptance is the key. If you are a child with homosexual parents how wonderful to be able to identify with a show of the like. I know you must be thinking I am a homosexual which is untrue, however I do know several people who are and kudos for them to be able to come out of the closet and live life to the fullest instead of hiding behind a shade afraid to be true to themselves. True happiness can only come from accepting who you are and being happy. If you are living you life to meet the expectations of others than shame on you!!!!
I feel like I am losing (or perhaps a loser) at the game of life. I can't seem to keep friends around, I alienate the people I love, I suck at my job, and I am so broke that the idea that I might lose my house is not unbelievable. And it's probably all my fault. At least most of it. Friends. I make them fairly easily. I love having them. But I get mired down in other stuff and am bad about returning calls or emails. So friends stop trying. And I stop trying. Because I don't want to admit that one of the reasons that they haven't seen me is because I am embarrassed to admit that I am so broke that I can barely put gas in my car to go to work, let alone go out on the town. And they ask what's new with me, what I have been up to -- nothing because I can't. (And yes, I have great friends that would understand, put damnable pride you know?) The people I love (besides my friends). My family. My husband. My family -- I have amazing parents and an amazing brother. But I was the oldest and only daughter who always did good. Always had my shit together. Do I want to admit that I am miserable b/c my life is not what I thought it would be? My husband. The man I love, who loves me. But who has to put up with my dysfunction -- my jealousies, insecurities, moods and temper. Why would anyone want to stay with that? My job. I put on a great fascade of being really good at what I do. But deep down I think I am just fooling everyone...I'm a great fake. I even have the prez of my agency fooled. Money. The bane of my existence. Anyone that is certain that money cannot buy you happiness has never been told to come up with $5000 in 4 days on a combined household income of $50,000 (with a $1600/mo mortgage, a $400/mo car note, bills, living expenses, and credit card and student loan debt). Let me tell you how f*cking happy I would be if I had money right now. My husband and I both work our asses off but for the last 6 months, every month something has happened. His car, my car, a hot water heater, a car accident, a lawyer....the list goes on. Before anyone suggests it, no, I am not suicidal. I would NEVER do that to my family. Yes, I have talked to debt consolidators, they have offered very minimal help. I have tried to take on a second job, but the nature of my main job makes that very difficult. I feel complately alone. And robbed. Thanks to anyone that bothers to read my bullshit whining.
Every day i wake up..go to school..come home and realize again and again that all my friends are gone. They are all away at colleges and Universities in different cities and states, while I'm stuck here with a community college where everyone is antisocial. I can't just go from having so many friends to having almost no one. there is my boyfriend though whom I am madly in love with without a doubt. I just cant handle putting him through my depression when we hang out. He says he still loves me and loves seeing me which is exactly what i want to hear. but at the same time I feel like a terrible person for becoming an upset, pathetic, depressed girlfriend all the time. I really am trying to feel better but I just cry every night before I go to sleep. I love him SO much and just wish I could be happy with just that.
But it still sucks when you get that rejection letter. And whose fault is it that I didn't get into the ONLY ccollege I applied to? It's my own fault.
WOW I am sick of hearing ILLEGALS doing crime in AMERICA then Fleeing to there GHETTO, Moronic, Low life country to AVOID prosecution. That Country is the Dirtiest, Nastiest part of Land on the PLANET. The Whole World would be better off if it was Never Occupied Period. Then if we do find the people want to Prosecute them we can't give them the Death Penalty what kind of Mc@$$hole $hit is that. Talk about a Messed up country. They Deserve EVERYTHING they Give and More! BE Careful Mexico the Day is Coming, You only think you get away with it for So Long.
My husband cheated on me 3 years ago. It was with a friends of ours. Our marriage was in major trouble and instead of ending it w/ me first he cheated (and it was emotional as well as physical). We separated for 6 months, but could not stay away from each other. We got back together and things have been great mostly. (I did honestly forgive him and we have been able to be very honest about what happened and voicing how we feel and what we need to heal, esp me) But being cheated on has changed me. I don't trust any of our single women friends (esp the ones that met him first), and I hate if he spends time with a woman friend w/out me (even though he is ok w/ me hainging out with a guy friend). One of our single friends is a beautiful, successful woman who is smart and funny. She met him before me and admitted to him on a drunk email that she thinks he is wonderful and would do just about anything for him. Now, my husband was honest and showed me the email exchange and I wasn't happy. But we discussed and came to the conclusion that lots of us say dumb things when we are drunk. And I have since met her, and she IS a sweetheart. But I have caught him texting or calling her when I didn't know about it and now he deletes all her text msgs from his phone before I ever see them. We have fought over my jealousy of her before. Is he doing this to save a fight or should I start to worry more than I already do?
is it bad that i like a guy who is in his 20's when im jst barley 18...i love him alot and i am dating him but he is in his mid 20's my mom doesnt like it but i dont care he makes me happy!!!! is that so wrong
Argh. This is kinda dumb. Anyways, I am 19, fairly attractive, kind-hearted (at least I believe), and smart. I see no reason why I am not getting a girlfriend, ever! I have come to the point to believe that I have bad flirting/social skills, which I figured is not true! I just cannot understand how bad my luck is. I open up to people, I try to ask girls out but no~ something always stops me. Either the girl says no, or we go out and just end up being really cool friends. I really need to enter an intimate relationship to fill up my hollow-ness in life.
I have had two abortions. At the time I was reckless and young but at the age I am now I have so many friends who have or are having babies and I am so jealous and afraid at the same time. I can't even hold a child without feeling regret and sadness, constantly comparring the age of what my own children should be. It still seems so unreal to me that I should be the mother of two. I have honestly been so numb and self absorbed. TWO!! Only two other people know about both of the abortions. My parents. Which, not blaming, were the deciding factor in both of them. My only other sibling doesn't even know about either of them. 6 and 4 would be the ages. Absolutely uncomprehensible to me. I pray God will forgive my horrible sins.
LOL. I just saw some guy's rant before the mod took it down from the site. It's been posted twice here already clogging up my blog reader, I guess that's why it was marked as spam, so I won't bother c&ping all of it, just read it here: http://fearlessblogging.com/post/view/387 Lose some brain cells? Good, welcome to my world LOL. How psychotic do you have to be to believe that "rich people" are out to get you? Seriously. It's like some people believe that these so called "rich people" just dropped out of the sky one day and fucked everything up. These are the same kind of people that bitch when an illegal takes their job. Guess what? The illegal only took your job because you were too goddamn lazy to get it. I make damn good money, and soon I'm going to be one of those "rich people" stupid motherfuckers always complain about. I didn't rob anyone for it, I didn't do anything anybody didn't want me to, I just worked hard at it and got my cheddar. I have a friend who is independently wealthy, but only because his father worked his ass off to make sure his only son had a better life than he had. Is that so wrong? You know, parents taking care of themselves and their children? Or is it only wrong if the father becomes one of those god awful "rich people?" Hey as long as he's poor and not better than you financially it's cool right? There's no secret elite cabal of rich people out to destroy the world. Everyone who has the money earned it somehow: through sweat, tears, or blood, and they deserve every penny of it, because it is theirs and they earned it. Sorry, but I'm not giving my money to lazy people as a free hand-out when all they can do is complain about how they don't have any money. also: Obama for president!
EDITED BY ADMIN TO: fix url. Remember to proof-read your posts plz :)
I just got out of a two year relationship...It was a pretty bad break up on his part. I'm away at school and he dumps me over the phone. But that's besides the point. I've been dating for the a couple of months but i feel like every guy i meet only wants one thing. I know i'm young and I have time to meet someone, my mom says that i should focus on my studies. But i'm lonely. I have friends but it feels so good to be in love. I don't think i'm looking for love right now but i do want to meet some one that has the potential of being that special someone....oh lord idk.=(
So I'm a 20, single, not very attractive guy who's never been in a relationship. Sort of a given, right? I mean, you've got your nice guys who think that being nice is all that counts; if that were true, ... about the same number of people would be in relationships, because they usually aren't as nice as they think they are. They blame the people they're interested in; it's not their fault you're not as great as you think you are. Or, and this is a kicker, the people around you tell you you'll find somebody. Well, what about you? I found you and you're not terribly interested. Why would anyone else be? I've been told to forget about it, or I'll find someone later in life. The truth is, I'm lonely, and I want to do something about it; it's not other people's fault for being "shallow", and while I've been called nice, it's not like there's a whole lot more going for me than that. What do you do?
Hello, I'm a junior doctor working in ITU. Since I was 18 I've suffered from episodes of depression, 4 in total, and now I'm 25. On the outside I am normal and have so much - I've recently got married and am living in a lovely flat near work. I have a loving family who really care about me.
I have been blessed with episodes free from depression but I feel bad about a lot of things.
As much as I wish I wasn't, I am beginning now to feel that I am one of those perfectionist people who have psychological problems - like feel depressed and getting fatigued. One year I thought I had ME. I look at other people who are not perfectionist and like me and wish that I was like them.
I want to be happy and thankful for all that I have - I don't want to be an ungrateful person, but I don't seem to be able to help my mood from falling and from feeling flat and depressed for no reason.
I've tried to find a reason why I get depressed and I really haven't. I take anti-depressants all the time to prevent relapses as I'm unable to cope when the depression and anxiety is really bad.
I think I'm a bit of a wus and can't take a lot of discomfort and pain in life. I know that a lot of people have it a lot worse and really do suffer a lot more.
The last few days my mood has been falling and I've felt depressed and hopeless and my brain feels like cotton wool. I feel numb and out-of-it but also very worried and convinced that things are not ok and things are not good enough. No matter what good happens in the day, I still feel depressed and flat.
I wish so much I didn't have these experiences and have become quite introspective and questioning. I hate feeling like there's not much point doing things.
I hate that feeling of insecurity and distress that things are just not ok intrinsically when all it is is an internal perspective on the outside world, but when the only perspective you have is through your own mind that is causing this distress you cannot break out of it.
I feel more socially reclusive at the moment and don't feel like seeing people or talking to people. I don't want to socialise and didn't go to my work do tonight. The internal child-like refusing part of my brain becomes more dominant and I don't feel like I engage with other people in a normal way.
Maybe all that I'm saying is completely untrue, as my dad once said to me when I wrote down my thoughts when I was moderately depressed at 18. But I feel like I've dived into my introspective thoughts and my cotton wool flatness and I can't really get out. I don't really know where I am or what I'm doing anymore. I lack motivation to do things and don't really know what's good enough, or more like feel like whatever I do won't be good enough.
I think about my dad who has similar inclinations and I think he suffers a lot of mental distress without complaining. I think about my mum, who's been such a strong positive non-depressive influence in my life and who has interpreted a lot of my difficult crying behaviour in the past as a positive sign of lack of stimulation for a highly intelligent daughter. She has always seen the best in me. I don't know how I'm going to survive these depressing times without her influence in my life now that I am married and can't keep running back to her. I think about my beloved younger brother and sister who don't have the same depressive experiences as me, how they haven't got the same personality make-up.
I worry that I will pass on my depressive, perfectionistic, psychosomatic personality to my children. I don't want them to experience episodes of low mood and depression like I do. I might get private health insurance for them in case they attempty suicide in a depression and need to be hospitalised.
Things are not even half as bad as they were this time last year when I re-entered a 6 month episode of depression. I am no mentally desperate like I was then. I thank God for that.
I really struggle to accept that I experiences these depressive feelings and struggle to accept myself with these problems. I feel so bad about myself. I am ashamed of my depression even though I am kind to friends who experience the same problems. I hate taking the anti-depressants everyday, especially when I'm not depressed, and dread having to admit my drug history to any medical personnel.
Sometimes in life you can't see ahead. You don't see how things are going to work out. At the moment my brain is full of cotton wool and I don't understand how I can do my job or make decisions or anything. I really don't. But, I'm a Christian (a struggling one at that with lots of spiritual issues) and all I can do is get on my knees, lift my mental health and my life up to God, and pray that he will see me through this episode, as I guess he always has in the past.
I am so ashamed of having mental health problems. I wish so much my mood didn't fall like it does. I wish I didn't get fatigued. I wish I wasn't anally competitive and up tight. I wish I was more normal.
My story started when I was in about sixth grade. My older brother who is about 5 years older than me began doing drugs. At first he started out just smoking weed, but over the years it escalated to more serious drugs. He began to sell drugs, and he stopped going to school. He was always getting arrested for truency, vandalism, stealing, or drugs. His drug abuse had very negative effects on my family. My parents began fighting all of the time, either with eachother, or with my brother. They had no control over him, because there was nothing they could really do before he turned 18. THey couldn't kick him out or anything. My brother was always a very important person in my life, even during this time. He confessed everything he did to me on a daily basis, and relied on me to keep it secret from my parents and my two older sisters. These secrets began putting me in the middle of fights with my parents and my brother, which eventually led me to cut myself. I didn't know it at the time but this family drama caused me to become depressed. I kept this depression bottled up inside until my sophomore year. That is 5 years. My brother's addiction had an awful effect on my life, and i think this should be a lesson to people who are dealing with drug addictions. You should think about the effect you are having on the people who care about you's lives. My brother is now sober, and feels terrible about what he did to me when i was growing up. Drugs have an effect on a lot more people than yourself. If the user realizes that he is tearing down the people he loves, then maybe they can use that as a tool to pull themselves together.
I wonder is life even worth living anymore. I have never really lived and now that I am 30 I hate where I am in life. I have always been a bum, and when I finally get the balls to make some progressive movements in my life, things get shitty for me. I hate that other people have things handed to them by thier parents and they fuck it up. My parents haven't done anything for me to prove that they love me. I couldn't get a cosign for a car, I can't go to school, unless its the school they want me to go to. They wouldn't help me move out, when I needed them. Truth be told, my parents are failures at life and they know they can not do for themselves now. They think they are helping me out, but in reality they are hindering me. I would have been happy!, But they don't think that way. They only think in terms of money. Which is funny, because they have none and never will, and if they continute doing what they are doing they will eventually bring me down too. Well, actually they already have. It's just a matter of time before I run away from it all, or kill myself one. I know everyone talks this bs about how you shouldn't kill yourself, but if you were denied the only thing you thought would make you happen, wouldn't you just "want to leave"? I can't see how forcing someone to live your shitty lifestyle can be a good thing for them. Unless they want to live that way. Of which, I don't.
I live in Akron, Ohio... Okay, hear we go. Things Im sick of: Illegals - Using up all our resources and our stinking govt allowing it. Stupid, stinking, Mexican Illegals that refuse to speak English. Go back to your own country and stink it up. Taxes and tax breaks - My county is going to take the property taxes I pay and give them to the low income families to pay their mortgages so they dont go into forclosure! I am soooo sick of being the middle class who pays for everyone. Can I get help? NO effing way. I dont make alot of money but I make too much to get help and not enough to live so I continue to plug away at my job so I can pay for some silly, lazy ass person who cant get out of their own way to go to work. It makes me sick. Not to mention that my property taxes have gone from $600 to $850 every 6 months since 2005. WTF? Now your going to give it to someone who cant afford their mortgage?? Thats not what I signed up for. After I get done paying for everything I have to pay for, I'm lucky if I can put food on the table and your going to give it to someone else? Health insurance - I pay $100.00 a week in insurance premiums thru my employer. Am I crazy? I dont know because they wont cover mental health care! The "N" word - I am so sick of hearing little black kids and grown black people throwing that word around like it's nothing. You will never be respected until you teach your children to respect themselves and others. Im sick of black thugs walking around expecting all white people to pay a "hood tax". I'm sick and tired of hearing about how you cant get anywhere in this world because you are soooo discriminated against. You know what? Education is free in this country. Learn to speak proper English, dress appropriately and GET A JOB! Dont say their arent any either. There are. You just wont make 1K a night like you do when you sell drugs. Get a effing life! Your people think you've come a long way if you make it to age 25 without getting shot or going to jail for killing someone. The only people discriminating against you is YOU! I've worked my entire life and raised three good boys on very little income and yes, in the HOOD. It doesnt take money. It takes being a parent and not giving up. My boys have all turned out to be good, hard working people in turn raising their children right. What the hell is wrong with people??? Why arent their kids important to them? Why are they allowing 14,15 year olds to be out at 3am robbing and killing? Why arent we charging these parents?
Dear you, I am only writing you this letter so that I may get closure. My bitterness towards you has subsided somewhat but I will always hold you accountable for your actions. I feel like everything in our relationship was based on lies and falsities. I can’t honestly say that I know for sure what was a lie and what was truth from you. I never once lied to you about anything. I always gave you my truthful and honest opinion from my heart. Looking back now, I know I gave you move than I should have. I shouldn’t have trusted you with anything. Because of you I have become a stronger person and I only thank myself for that because I am the one who got myself out of it. But I do blame you for putting me in that position. There are days when I don’t ever want to think of you or what we had ever again because it is embarrassing to know that I ever thought or believed that our love was true. I realize that it was just your scam for attention. I feel sorry for your new girlfriend. I hope she doesn’t have to go through all the shit that I did. I did everything I could for you. So much so that I gave up nearly everything that I was and that I enjoyed to try to make you happy. Do you even realize how fucked up that is. You probably never even noticed. You took way more than any person should ever take from another. You took my happiness and stole it for your own and then dumped it like it meant nothing to you. Shame on you. You will get yours. Part of me wants you to tell me what was true and what was lies, but then again I know if you did respond it would only be more lies. And so no matter what I will never know the truth. I am damn near close to hating you for what you have done to me. I am so strong but somehow you managed to kick me on my ass and you don’t even know the damage you have done. It’s been almost 5 months now and I have learned more about myself in these last few months than I ever did in the 4 years that I was with you. Do you know why? Because those years were all about you, heroin, rehab, moving for you, rehab, dosing your meds, pulling needles out of your arms, psychiatrists, cops, detectives, outpatient programs, and so much more. Every time you used I knew and I confronted you to try to help you. I tried evey approach possible from getting super pissed to damn near understanding and you still continued eventually. I realize now that it was just your way to get attention. I hope you have it now. Even through all your shit I managed to put myself through school, keep the house up and feed your face while you watched tv and got high. You were a fraud. I hope I never have to deal with another person like you. Actually I know I won’t because I won’t fucking put up with that shit. I should’ve known when you told me you loved me after a week that you were just needy. I should’ve known that you would be so needy that you would take everything I had, not material necessarily but everything that I loved. I gave up friends, drinking, Friday nights, Saturday nights, every day and moment possible was spent with you to try and protect you because I though I loved you and that that love was reciprocated. You fucking liar. I hope you’re happy with the chick you cheated on me with. And I see that history is repeating itself and you told her you loved her after what…a week? She doesn’t have 1/100th of the strength I do so good luck with that. Just don’t drag her down with you. And have a nice life to you too! I know I will because I won’t fall for douche bags like you ever again.
How could you do this to me... I gave you my heart you said you would never hurt it.... not even 5months later u hurt me.... how could you ruin us this way..... i was to scared to lose you.... so i grit my teeth to bear it.... and now the anger is tearing me apart... wanting to unleash on you but i keep it bottled up bc im to stupid to let u go
For reasons unknown even to me, i use songs to rate different sections of my life. i'd like to think that life is full of songs like Bon Jovi's "living on a prayer" or Nickleback's "someday". But as long as there is life in this world, songs like "every rose has its thorn" will have a place. See, love and hate may be opposing factors in this world, but its a known fact that you CANNOT have one without the other. Someone i used to care about once said that "if you love someone a mile long, be prepared to hate them for that same distance" Phonetically speaking of course. Its come down to this: i've been sent to another school, and you're back with everyone still. Did it ever occur to you that some of the people here have friends that go to your high school? I guess not. otherwise you'd be more secretive about your guy friend who drives all the way from Anchorage to see you. If you really cant wait for me, and you want to quit and go after someone else, go for it. Im not stopping you anymore. Because there is no way im going to a military school if you cant even wait a couple months to see me. Like i said, i rate my life by songs. Well, there's only one question i have for you. When i look back on my life, is the soundtrack to this part going to play Asia's "heat of the moment" or Firehouse's "love of a lifetime". i'll leave that up to you.
Befor the car accident when I drove occasionally I though about crashing the car, killing me self...knowing no one else got hurt...after the crash (which was accidental) I fear that if i get behind the wheel again I will crash...and it wont be an accident. I am 18 and no one knows I feel this way. I have refused help for years and dont plan on seeing a shrink any time soon...but now i dunno what to do. I've quit smoking pot, I cut back on drinking,... with out an addiction or dependency life seems rather pointless
Trust You told me i could trust you.... later you confess to lying.... you promise not to lie again.... but yet you are still lying you dont know i have caught you in a lie.... you dont know how its ripping me in half.... not being able to tell you i know.... im dieing inside from the pain my blood is on his hands the betrayal of a lover is hard to cope with... why do i have to be so in love with you when it hurts so much... you told me i could trust you and now i wish i were dead bc i did just that...
Damn it, I LOVE YOU! How could you have been so blind. How could you not have known I felt ever bit of every way that you did. Christ, I was the one afraid and you were the one who walked away. You stupid shit! We don't get these in life. I'm sorry for all the pain that you have had in your life. You are such a good man that you work and you give to everyone. Oh babe, somebody loved you just for being you. Didn't want a damn thing other than two arms around her and she valued that embrace more than all the people in your entire life valued your monitarily. Why you didn't feel worthy of such a simplistic pure love I'll never know. You should see the person inside of you that I see. How could you have not known how I felt about you? Babe, we're identical. You touched me as deeply as I touched you. The only difference is I was aware of it. Two mavericks in love. Two "used" in love. God, how I love you, how I longed for you. We each lost our best friends when you walked away. Thank God you had balls enough to brave the waters and call me. We both hurt. You stupid shit! Over a year in misory without each other. YOU thought YOU were the one making the sacrfice. NO ASSHOLE, you took me down with you. God forbid somebody loved you that much just for being you! Get over it, I do and don't you dare do that to me again! Yes, I can live without you, damn straight, I don't need you. I WANT you. Your my identical twin in the form of a man. You're my best friend. You're my best lover. Get over whatever part of yourself thinks you don't deserve to be loved and except mine. I LOVE YOU! Simple, basic, easy, what did you think it was suppose to be? Sorry, I'm not someone you have to care for, just care about me and I'll care about you. Pretty fucking simple, stop trying to complicate it!
I confess that sometimes I dream my brain is a radio and everyone can hear it Comment if you want something special now playing P1nk Fl0yd - an1mals http://www.sendspace.com/file/6rn1we coming up within the hour at0m heart m0ther, mettle, dark s1de 0f the m00n, the wal, p1p3r at the gates of dawn *check the comments for upcoming links pt join in no mods here ;)
http://amandaguy.squarespace.com/blog/ I founthis yesterday, which seems to be when it was created I just got lucky I guess
The one you know as "Amanda Guy" really creeps me out, now. I feel like I'm being stalked.
It's a two-way street ya know? If you're giving it every single thing you've got and she's only putting in a sub-par 20 percent, what else can you do? You can push and push and push - but it's only going to push her away. I'm 26 and have absolutely rifled through girlfriends in my young days only to find that the most recent one was the only thing I ever wanted. We dated for the better part of 2007 and almost all January of this year. We loved each other very much. She's a brilliant, hilarious, stunningly gorgeous girl that I somehow let get away. There was love, and there was no foul play on either side when we split. All she wanted of me was for me to open up. I was just never able to. A very awkward upbringing had made me timid pretty much my whole life. I told her every day that I loved her, but it wasn't enough. She wanted to know me and get inside and see who it actually was that she was in love with. Thing is, she was too scared and stupid to say anything to me either. Somewhere along the way we lost each other, between living by our separate selves trying to make ends meet and having quarter life crisis's we became so distant. I knew it at the time, she knew it. But neither of us had the balls to say anything to each other. I took time for granted and assumed that I would have the rest of my life to tell her everything she wanted to know. So now, for the last few weeks, we still have been talking, occasionally seeing each other, occasionally doing it, she tells me that she loves me, that she misses me, that she can't wait to see me; but more often than not I sit alone and think about her. She dances around my head every pulsing second of the day and the only way that this lonliness can stop is if she comes back at 100% OR stops telling me that she loves me, stops telling me that she misses me, stops telling me that she can't wait to see me, stops seeing me, stops wanting me, stops loving me, stops missing me. I don't know what to do. She says she doesn't know what to do either. My friends want me to go out and "forget her" by hooking up with some stranger. But my heart belongs to her. I don't want to start dating again and actively looking for love. I found it, i want it, I don't know what to do. But a bit of advice for anyone who actually reads this and might be in a relationship: Think out loud, don't hold anything in for fear of slight embarassment, he or she loves you for who you are, so be who you are. "...if you admire someone you should go ahead and tell 'em..." -Kanye
For Valentine's Day my girlfriend got me "Pulp Fiction" on DVD... Well she's definitely a keeper!
okay so what? You call me on the phone all the time, tell me you love me, and then when i ask one night if you're gonna call you say you're "talking to a girl from your school" and that you have to call her.. WHAT THE FUCK!? So was I just to pass the time? Is that why we have been talking for 2 years.. So I text you and say "well later on you can find someone else to use" and you text me saying "Dont be like that :(" and then I don't reply. Of course you text me AGAIN saying "[my full name] PLEASE DONT DO THIS.." begging me to tlk to you well duh of course i want to but im not going to. If you try to contact me today I'm not forgiving you but i really do want you to call/text.......i want you to know what the damage you've done. you just dont know....
You're a fucking bitch and I won't calm down until I let it out.
Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike 'lesser' estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America's richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own 'humanitarian' spin on it. Calling attention to her own 'good will'. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Money does not grow on trees. When too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world's richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy. Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not 'trickle down' as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductable crumbs and call themselves 'humanitarians'. IT CAN'T WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. A total collapse of the US economy. Probably within a decade. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductable contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTABLE PR CRAP. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Please copy this entry and run it by any professor of socio-economics. I speak the truth. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE. Please copy and help spread the word. If we can't learn to tell the difference between truth and lie. Greed and generosity. Good will and PR crap. Then we are doomed. STOP SUPPORTING THE RICH. DON'T USE THE CREDIT CARDS. DON'T BUY THE TICKETS, DVDS, JERSIES, PHARMACEUTICALS, MAGAZINES, OR ANY OTHER OVER-PRICED CRAP. We need to stop supporting high profit low labor industry and support more low profit high labor industry. This is the only way to secure jobs and prosperity for all.
It's pretty sad when you have to put your status on Myspace as "in the shower" or "taking a bath" all day to get guys attention, because all the slutty pictures are no longer doing it. She claims she wants love, but that sure aint the way to go about it. You know how I "found" love? I didn't, it found me. He was just a boy I talked to frequently, my friend. A very good friend. And the longer we knew eachother, the more it evolved. You don't find that by flirting with every member of the male species and exposing your body.
I don't know where to begin. I am an attractive, slim, sexy , fierce 29 year old woman and you would think I have a spectacular sex life. I don't have one, a sex life, that is. I am blonde, slim, blue eyed, well put together girl. I am that woman you eye ball and love or hate when you see me in public. No joke. It is the fuckin' bane of my existence. Men open doors for me and women slap their husbands when they walk into a wall after walking by me. You would think I could actually get laid. My husband is dead sure I am not attractive. He is a rock star. No joke. This actually happens to some people. You go to a concert. He pulls you from the audience. You fall in love. You fuck like demons and do all the crazy things your mind wanders to do. Then you get married. Huge wedding. All the great people in your life. All the "right" and famous people are there. Waterfalls, harp players, booze, drugs, rock and roll. VH1 never had footage like this. Then life happens. I have beautiful babies. (I am not trying to slander my beautiful and life giving children in this.) He sees me have babies. I still look perfect. No, really, I worked hard for it. He stops touching me. He stops coming to me in the night (or day). A few years go by. I'm 29 now. Most people would gut me stern to stem to have my life. I know how fucking spoiled this sounds. I know I am spoiled. But I haven't had sex more than five times in the last three years. I also know he doesn't cheat on me. If he did, I probably wouldn't need to blog. I could go cheat to my hearts desire, guilt free. I know where he is and what he does all the time. Not out of weird paranoia. I just know who he works with, gigs with, etc... Also I don't have that woman's intuition kicking in. I wish sometimes he was cheating. Then I could too. But, he isn't. This gorgeous, talented, connected guy who has women drooling at his every step could literally care less about sex ever again. Hard too believe? Try living it. At 29, I'm starting too peak sexually. I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a pervert actually. When the college jogging team runs by me on the sidewalk I say a silent "Thank You." When my teachers from my various academic pursuits stare at me a bit too long, I fantasize. When his friends and colleagues hit on me in dark places at his venues flirt with me, I wish. But I made a promise. In front of all our friends, family, and God (or whatever Holy belief you have) I would not stray. My husband is wonderful. Kind. Creative. Funny. Sexy as hell. And a Great Great Dad. And he never touches me. And I want to cheat. I want to be touched. It is written in my DNA. I am a woman. I haven't yet. Holy Hell. Who am I to spit in the face of all I have for a kind touch? Do I break my solemn vow? Thanks for listening.
Women think it's so easy for men. Just get in, get off, then get out. They have no idea how hard it is! Did you girls forget that men can orgasm immediately! With the right touch we'd make a horrible mess on your couch in less than 30 seconds. The same doesn't apply to women. It takes a long time -- and the longer it takes the more enjoyment you feel, right? Yet us men are like loaded guns. You can play with it for awhile, but the wrong touch and we go off without warning. Next time you're complaining about our performance in bed... try to be a little less arousing! :)
I cheated on her. We've only been living together for 7 or 8 months maybe, and from May til November I've slept with at least 5 other women. I feel worse about it now than I did then. She never has accused me of anything, she has no idea. For the last couple months I have been all about her, but needed to get this off my chest to someone - anyone. With a couple of the mistresses, I was basically dating them, I was dating 3 women at once! I have no idea how I didn't get caught by any of them. Not one of them suspected that there was someone else, meanwhile i LIVE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. I was telling two other girls that I loved them just to keep them around, meanwhile my girlfriend and I haven't told each other that we loved each other. The lies got enormous, so many lies to so many people. Straight up - I was not cut out for monogomy. Every girl I've ever been with I've ended up falling in love with and cheating on them and falling in love with the girls i was cheating with. I guess I don't really know what love is. I havent cheated in a couple of months, but every time I hit the bars in this southern state my eyes wander. I want to, I'm addicted to sex, but I don't want to "hurt" her anymore. She has no idea! None! Do i tell her? Do i put it inside forever? Help anonymous bloggers!
I just want to write to all you men out there who are too afraid to tell the woman they care about that they love her. On more than one occasion in my life I have known and cared for great men, and was never aware that the feelings were reciprocated until it was too late or I no longer saw them in a romantic way (I don't know about you other women, but once a man enters the "friend zone" it's hard to go back). Call me old fashioned, call me whatever you will, but I still feel that real men...the type of men I am personally attracted to...should make SOME sort of move or ask the woman out. I don't want to rant or rave, I just want to get this out there so that if I can open SOMEONE'S eyes and push them to take a chance on love then I have done what I wanted to do! The minute you realize you are terrified of even the thought of telling her...think about how much MORE terrifying it will be when you have lost her for good and never even TOOK THE CHANCE!!!! I will leave you with this thought, and I hope you will learn what I wish the men in my life would have known in a certain point in time...If she is worth it, if the thought of someone else holding her and laying next to her every night makes you sick to your stomach, than WHAT HAVE YOU REALLY GOT TO LOSE!!?!?!? So the worst that will happen is she will "shoot you down"...ok, so now you know and you can move on. Do you really want to be haunted with "what if's" for the rest of your life?! ..and even more so, coming from a woman, we might very well feel just the same way and if she is worth the risk than TAKE IT! Ok, that's all. Thanks for reading and GO GET HER, OK??!!
I'm 19 lost my virginity at 18...well first time i had another persons finger in there was 3 months b4 my 18th bday from a random guy i met at the mall.... went home where i met a total player and gave him my virginity know that he would never be able to settle for one girl i knew of him cheating on his gf with many people we slept together many times in the park on a picnic table during the school basketball games where i should have been filming the game for school.. .i run into the guy who first fingered me again and we start to date so i cut off this basketball affair with the player and date this guy i think im in love i find out hes just after another piece of ass once he gets wat he wanted he leaves me stranded in a hotel room with no money or food(him having guilted me into paying for the room) so i dont feel guilty that i cheated on him with my player who has become my best and only friend. After my players gf breaks up with him we start dating, i move away to go to college hes still in high school he forgets my bday so i go party at a night club get drunk and pissed and agree to go out with 2 other guys at the club end up sleeping with one the other i blew off till sunday told my player i was going to dinner and movie with a friend and went out with the second guy he was sweet. I start to feel guilty so i dump my bf saying we made better freinds two days later i'm dating the second guy....turns out both guys from the club are in the military and lived in barraks right across the street from eachother. I dated them both for awhile and have now actually fallen in love with one whole heartedly.... the guy who deserted me in a hotel room now lives two buildings away and begs me for blowjobs saying that no one gives them as good as me and for the first few months of going out with my soldeir i did but now i refuse to cheat bc im so scared of losing him he knows i cheated on both my ex's he knows about the guy i met the same night i met him and knows that we are over and he has been shipped back home to boston.....I'm not looking for advice just needed to get it off my chest....i know since my player got me interested into sex for awhile i was a slut.
So, I've been watching the Clinton camp. The first clear departure from debating the issues came from the Clinton camp. It involved an attack by 3 separate individuals associated with the Clinton campaign; two directly paid by them, distorting a story about Obama's past drug use. The Carville stragy, as documented in "Our Brand is Crisis" requires getting people other than the candidate to repeat something negative about the opposition. It appears that someone in the Clinton camp thought, oh well, all we've got to do is get the folks to associate Obama with their thoughts about black men with drugs, and it will be over. Than, they thought, we'll keep Hillary appearing pure and get Bill to go out and make more negative attacks on Obama. For whatever reason, they missed a key part of the Carville strategy which is to never allow any connection to be made between your attack surrogates and the candidate. It is pretty hard to claim Bill Clinton is unconnected to Hillary, and when he says the Obama candidacy is a fairytale, I say I didn't begrudge you your shading of the truth in your day, but your own humble upbringing should have taught you that miraculous occurrences can happen in this county of ours. We the people will be the ones to decide what is and what is not a fairytale. And for my, part I've had enough of this first strike sort of presidency - i'll take a counter-puncher any time. I'm voting Obama.
Okay, so I ran for student council, and I wanted to have the position so bad. I did everything I could. But I was up against 2 of the most popular ppl in my school and the other, one of my best friends. So i ran, and bleed my heart out in my speech. I LOST, and something at the pit of my stomach hurt, but didn't give any pain in my body, but somewhere in my nerves, MY HEART. I am happy for the "popular" who won. But why the heck did I feel so sad? its not like someone died. But i felt so sad and dissapointed that I couldn't even cry you know? My other best friend told me that she voted for the "popular". I said something very mean. I told her "if you ran against her, I'd vote for cuz you my best friend, seeing that your such a f*cking retard" and I realized seconds after that it was oh so very wrong. But after the elections, when I got home I realized that, I thought that being elected would make me "visible", and be liked. To not be just another shadow and figure walking through the halls. That it would make a difference for me. and when I lost, I felt rejected, and I brought more pain unto me. I Heck!, I brought on myslef. But now that I got caught up in getting to that goal of "visibilty" I got too upset to even cry.
I know this isn't very interesting reading for anyone else, and for that I apologize. I just need to say...and you know who YOU are....please stop STALKING me and LEAVE ME BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aren't you sick and tired of watching me live MY life than simply living YOUR OWN??!! Life is too darn short, love! Is this REALLY the story you want to be told?! Move on! Please! There will never be an "us" at this point. I know it's you out there so the JIG IS UP!!! I hope you find what you are looking for, but rest assured with no regrets...that she is NOT ME!!!!!!!!! Please let me have my life back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you in advance for finally listening to me and good luck! I sincerely wish you the best and I DON'T want to dislike you so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go live YOUR LIFE and leave MINE BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take care of yourself and God Bless.
I so wish people would f*in grow up! If you are in your twenties (or older) and want to act like you are in high school then dammit GO back! Maturity comes with age and life edperiences and to have to work alongside someone who is 22 going on 7 is enough to drive me insane!!!!!!! I rise above yes because I am mature, BUT when it is ALWAYS there how do you catch a break? I can't just smack her because remember I'm the mature one...
I just don't understand why guys are so weird when it comes to realtionships. You know...it's not even relationships, its just hooking up. Like if its convenient for them, they'll call you and you will meet and hook up. But if you want to hook up with them and you text/call them they say that they'll call you or talk toÂ you later. Do they call? No. And then its always fun when you find out that they have also been hooking up with a girl that you absolutely hate.