Life sucks, i'm an illegal alien, but it's not like it's my choice, my parents brought me here, now i can't go back cuz i realized how amazing life can be here... yet IT SUCKS, i'm graduating highschool and while all my firends move one to exiting lives and education, i get stuck in freaking town, working some missable job, my mom doesn't make enough money, and my dad needs surgury, if i was legal this wouldn't be happening. i need health care, i need a scholarship, i need to get my drivers l and be able to drive like anyone else, I need a better life.
Originally written 4/4/08 1:17AM It's hitting me hard that my husband is so far away right now, preparing to fight a war for shit, while I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself, for my kids and for him. Living this life is taxing, in every sense of the word, without him here to vent with -- becoming stronger, yet angrier. I can do it -- moms are instinctively that way -- but I shouldn't have to. Sometimes I think that everything will be fine and this will all be a distant memory that will produce a solid appreciation for family, for all of us. But in this very moment, I'm thinking, who the hell does this damn president think he is (as my firey 3-year old daughter would say if she knew the word "president" … and "hell")? How can you take a man away from his family like this? And why? So your mindless claim to fame can be a drawn out, failed attempt at civilizing uncivilized people? He has already served for you,. He has already swallowed 3 years of your crock-of-shit "Army Strong" bullshit and now he has to do it again. Only this time, he's leaving. This time, he doesn't get to come home and sleep it off in his own bed each night. And this time, when he comes home – if he comes home -- his mind will likely be polluted with a year of unnecessary images and experiences that all happened in vain. As I go back and read what I wrote just above this, it first sounds like he might have died, or that I'm expecting him to. No, he hasn't. But the gruesome fear that he may will stay with me until the day he comes home safely. I'm just mad. The couple of hundred dollars a month they throw in for "hazard" pay is an insult. How are you going to make up for the year of his kids' lives he misses? And for the sinking feeling that comes over him when our now 1-year old son clings away from him the next time they meet because he doesn't remember who Daddy is. I know, how about a Veteran bumper sticker purchased tax-free at the PX and a fucking free flight home to Boston? Thanks in advance. I am clearly more unpatriotic than ever. Our government is a joke, especially on this matter. Anyone who is in the military and their loved ones know that you never get the full story, plans change with no notice, and lies run rampant. National security measures, or an unorganized mess? I vote for mess. They were, until recently, spending wasteful marketing dollars on glorifying the benefits of signing your life away. On one hand, at least no one bought it. On the other hand, no one bought it, they're out millions of dollars on advertising, and now my husband is on a plane to go live a foreign life that may never prove to be rewarding for anyone. All this money on TV, print ads, and pathetic recruitment flyers trying to pull in fresh victims and beg for the smart ones to come back. No one bit, so now women and men like my husband who've already left the military and built a life for themselves have to go do more dirty work. They should be ashamed of themselves, calling back to active duty both young men (and women) and even grandfathers, some who've retired more than a decade ago, to deploy to these wars. That's real comforting, I mean desperate. And most appalling are the sub-par living conditions you throw them into while they wait stateside to go and live day-by-day for a full year, half way across the world, in the desert. Waiting in archaic, rusty barracks, sleeping on filthy stained mattress, corroding bed frames, and old (yes, old) pillows to sleep on. Not to mention, half-ass refresher training. Is this your thanks, or are you just prepping these guys for saying good bye to family and putting their lives on the line? It's insulting. Just close your eyes and walk this tight rope for me. That's okay if you've never done it before, or if it's been a while – we don't mind. I'm pretty sure the last day on death row is better than this. And these men aren't even felons. Yes, I'm angry. I think that's well-established at this point. So are my kids, my family, my in-laws, my husband's friends. Hell, who isn't angry? Maybe the next time I write about this I will be in a better mood. Maybe more compassionate words will be typed on to the page. Maybe. And maybe my daughter will one day wake up and be okay with the fact that her daddy is over "helping people" that don't want help, instead of home helping her and her brother play ball or ride a bike. I bite my tongue. Bottom line, just get our guys and girls out of that hell hole. No one wants to be there and no one wants us there. And who cares if they do want us? You're so hell-bent on convincing us that that this war is giving us our freedom. If you really want us to believe you're protecting us (as opposed to your own personal interests), then why don't you bring our tired men and women home and let them do their job where it was meant to be done. Now there's a thought, what better way to boost morale and patriotism? We all support those bravely serving overseas, no question. But, I think we could actually appreciate the cause if it was carried out on our own soil…ensuring safer travel HERE, safer borders and coastlines HERE, helping our homeless and our natural disaster victims HERE...and perhaps helping older veterans HERE who also served in a previous ill-fought war. All here in the United States. What a concept. What a dream. Oh, it's all a big crock. Signed, Angry Army-wife in Boston
I'm married and been having an affair for more than a month now. everything's perfect at first. we were very close and were always happy.. i don't know what happened.. i just don't feel his sincerety anymore. I was stupid to fall in the first place. I should not have listened to him when he told me he loves me and wants to be w me. I should've stick to my stupid mind that I'm already married... It's killing me i feel like he's so far away now.. he said that I'm just paranoid. I don't think so love.. you keep on asking me if I wanted to end this.. I don't but I know you do. I can feel it... before you always make yourself available. if i ask you to meet there's no way that you gonna say no.. now you say you gonna be working.. what about after work? you used to make time for me after your work.. tuesday? no you can't cos u gonna meet up with your bestfriend.. right.. what about after? no, cos it's gonna be a whole day thing... wednesday..sure cos you're going away Thursaday, so it wont be to obvious that you don't really wanna see me anymore. if you don't wanna carry on anymore, just fucking tell me, it'll be easier! than to leave me hanging on.. you say you don't wanna end this but your actions says the opposite.. it pains me.. there are lots of stuff going through my head.. like you're seeing someone new now.. you got fed up of fucking me and now you wanted to fuck someone else.. just be fucking honest! this is torture! I can't take this anymore!!!!! think this is my karma for cheatng on my husband.. I love you... no actually i don't know if i really do.. or i just want the attention and being in a new relationship cos it's exciting... I really don't know... I wanna forget you!!!! hate you and erased you in my life... get you out of my system! it'll be hard... it will be... i don't know what to do anymore.. I'm itching to talk to you. i so wanna hear your voice but I'm trying to stop myself from doing so.. i wanna hold you and just look at your face... and kiss you.. i miss you so much.. i'll miss you...
I met him when I was fifteen. I was so young... How could I have known I was meeting someone who would change the rest of my life? At least the rest of my life so far. He was just as young, even more innocent than me, and so awkward... but in such an adorable way. We dated, we broke up. A year passed and we became best friends. He lived just across the street from me, and I shared everything with him. Of course, it was just a matter of time before we dated again, and that time, I finally realized I loved him. I will never forget the dance we shared one night, and how that song, "God Bless the Broken Road," would so describe our relationship. We dated, we broke up. A little more dramatic this time, and it took quite a toll on our friendship. We moved on, we started college and he moved away, we dated other people, people who were completely wrong for us in every way. I got dumped, his girlfriend was a bitch. And of course, it was me he came running to when things fell apart with them. Not that I minded, of course. Holding him in my arms again felt like the sun after a long winter. And I'll never forget what he said -- his heart was home again. Time passed. We dated, we broke up. He couldn't handle the distance, I couldn't handle his insecurity. He moved on, but I couldn't. He got a girlfriend, whom he himself admitted he only dated because she bore such a striking resemblance to me. He came home. He cheated, but every time, they worked things out and I was left hanging. We stopped talking, in the hopes that it would allow our hearts to heal. His healed, mine didn't. And then, it happened. My cancer. Of course I told him, as always, I tell him everything. And then, he started caring again... He became himself again. And of course, I fell head over heels for him again. I know he's not a good person. But can I deny my feelings for him? We didn't speak for months, and my love for him never once subsided. That has to mean something. When I see him, when I think about him, I see myself with him for the rest of my life. I'm a firm believer in fate. What's meant to be, will be. If we are meant to be together... then we will. And for now, I can only hope.
I don't want to be clingy and so fucking needy.. I don't want to drive him away.. I get jealous for no reason.. I'm jealous of that bird on the telly that he said was nice. It's mental... I just don't want to be like this. What should I do... :(
Me and this guy went through so much drama and we're not even officially dating. At one point, i was in the middle of a love triangle with another guy but ended up liking this guy more. We've kissed before and had "seen" each other for a couple of months. While i was in the love triangle drama, this guy really wanted to be in a relationship with me and to BE with me in general. He told me he loved me so much and i could tell he meant it. But now, when that drama is over, i can't even explain how much i love this guy but he's been drifting because he said i was keeping him waiting for too long. (so much for his "i'll wait for you forever. you don't have to worry about losing me" bull) He knows how much i want to be with him but he's still confused. I really want to be with this guy and i don't want what he have to end up being nothing. Sometimes i think he's doing this to put me through the suffering i put him through before :( i've told him i was sorry and that if i could i'd do it over but i guess it's not that easy. I love him so much and it hurts that he knows but doesn't want to be with me. It's like he's leading me on... I need help =\
I have to talk about this, because I've held it in for so long and I want to tell someone. I've known him since seventh grade and now we've made our way to our sophomore year. We were friends when we first met but we spilt and gained new friends that divided our paths. He is amazing. This year we have grown pretty close and I talk to him about everything. From family to friends, to realtionships. But I love him so much and he doesn't know. I want to tell him soo bad and it hurts me everyday. I listen to him talk about girls and his love life. I listen to him talk about his family and his problems. and I grow closer and closer to him. He is caring, sweet, honets, loyal. He would never say a bad thing behind your back and he never intends to hurt anyone. He is funny and playful and every time I'm around him I'm in a great mood. Today we went on a class trip to a local cafe, and we took the city bus. He was laying in between my and another girl in our class. His legs were draped over hers and his head rested on my arm. He bent his head into my lap and looked up at me and I wanted to kiss him so bad. His smile gives me butterflies and I can't help but just love him more. He winks at me in class when know one else is looking, and everytime he does, I swear I get lightheaded. I don't understand these feelings because I've never felt this way before, and I'm afraid that I'm too young to feel this way, but he is so amazing. And then there is the sexual attraction. He has an amazing body. I mean he isn't ripped like most guys at school, he has a little belly on him, but hes all muscle. I am soo attracted to him in everyway it scares me. I mean, today we were walking in the parking lot and it was cold and he was next to me and he was flexing his arms and I just couldn't stop looking at him. I wanna be around him all the time. He has only hugged me once, but his smell, the way he wrapped his arms around me, everything about him just sweeps me off my feet. But I can't have him. He talks to me everyday about other girls and people he likes, but he doesn't know how much I like him. I want to tell him so bad, I want to tell him everything, but I know in telling him, my life would be ruined. .............................................................................................................. You see, society doesn't accept me. I am something that can't have rights and doesn't deserve to love. I would never choose this life, I don't know anyone who would. The pain and heartache I go through keeping this secrets depresses me. It makes me so sad. I was born like this and I hate it. I hate everything about this and if there was a way to change it I would but there isn't. I'm a guy. I'm gay. And I hate it so much. I hate the fact that I feel like this but can't do anything about it because I fear that my family would disown me. My father would hate me. I would lose all my friends and I would become and outcast, i would become the gay boy. and I would lose him. He has never given me the inkling that he likes guys, or that he might be gay. He is the typical jock. But I can't stand the feelings I have. I wish I could change, I wish I could die and be reborn straight. I hate it soo much that I will never get to experience again his arms wrapped around me protecting me from everything. His kiss, or his love. I will never get to feel this because I am sick. I am disgusting. And i am hidden. I hate it so much.
for the past month and a half, i have had excruciating neck pains. and i have told no one. my sister had cancer, and the first sign of it was a stiff neck and i can turn my head to the right anymore. i'm not strong, but im not weak. i dont want to worry my mother but mostly, i dont want to worry myself. i know i havent done a thing to injure it becuase i just woke up one morning and it was hard to move it. grr.
To give the history works like this. I met a guy, our eyes met and both of us turned away. Whatever it was was instant! Through a mutual aquainatance we were to spend many hours together and became fast and true friends. Nothing physical. After a year I touched him once walking past him and his entire body became rigid. OK, he doesn't see me that way, no big, I'm married and so is he. One night he called me, cards on the table, he had the same reaction to me that I had to him the day we met. We had both been fighting it for 2 stinking years. Yeah, we got together. Fantastic doesn't cover it, it was mind blowiing for both of us. Back up, both of us are in shitty marraiges hanging on for different reasons. Anyway, this went on about once a week for the next 9 months. Stride for stride our friendship and love grew for each other. Matches made in heaven but held apart. He stopped calling me. We were accused of being a couple years before becoming one so the rumors never stopped but they were always rumors. Hell, if your going to be accused of it anyway, go for it. It got so bad on his end he walked away. 6 weeks later a phone call to say why. 9 months later at 1:30 am a phone call. I was obviously asleep when I woke to take the call and was holding 9 months of pain for the abandonment so I was short, pleasant but direct. Happy to hear from you BUT.... he said he'd call, he didn't. 9 months later he called again. We talked, about all of this. We talked for over an hour, him at a pay phone dropping quarters. I never could get how he walked away in the first place, he was the first to say "I love you", he said many things, both in actions and words, we were truly in love. We got back together one night. Again, all this was talked about, "I love you", how much it hurt to be away from each other, how much we need each other and missed each other. We had finally found away to communicate over the internet, the 2 payphones he could use when people were not around him had in just 2 days broke. So.... 5 hours of great sex and soul bearing and what, no call, no email?! It's been 4 weeks now. I feel like his whore only I didn't get paid. He calls and I go running. I'd love to tell him right the fuck off but I have no way of talking to him. After 2 weeks ofo not hearing from him I broke into his private email and he hasn't even been on it since the evening afterwards. I KNOW he loves me. I KNOW he's going through a tough time and married to a phsycho bitch from hell. Won't even go there, it's really bad. What I don't get is why in 4 weeks he hasn't found a payphone or a computer to talk to me. Even if his laptop was smashed to hell and payphones don't work anymore it would seem like he would find the time at 1 am to call me. I see a distinct end to my marriage and he can hold onto his if he wants but it would be nice if we could stay in contact with each other. We're talking soul mates but I do feel the fool for feeling so.
Ok here it goes yes my a little on the thick side so not many people are interested. But you kno wat i really dont even care anymore becuz like my mother always snt worry says worry about the people in your past becuz theirt is a reason they didnt make it to your future. Then when i do get a boyfriend im afraid im gonna mess it up becuz im not used 2 anyone accepting me for me. I get rid of them b4 they hurt me worst then the first person did and i will never really have any thing to sya to them so at the moment its like T.I. siad wen u c mii in the strreet shawty/homie u dnt kno me ( im addin this part in) and guess wat u dnt wanna kno me becuz im ur worst nightmare and guess wat else ur just jealous ebecuz u dont kno mii so get over it i kno im special. Like becuz sooner or l8r hopefully the right will come along rite wen every1 starts to like me and u kno wat i wont give a damn becuz u had ur chance and u wasted it and he took advantage of his that not my fault and u kno wat i wont give a damn becuz by then i'll be very very very very very very outspoken and u wont like wat i will have to say. So thats really all i have to say i just had to get it off of my chest b4 i beat sumbody ass
Ok lets start off about how i kissed her boyfriend we where at my bestfriends boyfriends bestfriend. ok maybe im confusing u c i knew my bestfriend b4 she knew him and i knew my bestfriend b4 she knew her boyfriend. So i basically hooked them up is wat im saying the other day we at my bestfriends boyfriends bestfriend house and his girlfriend wasnt with us so we were all in the living room then his bestfriend went to go and answer the fone in his bedroomm and which left us alone in the living room so we were playing around then we started tickling each other and he we were tickling privates then he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and then i kept tickling him then he was like if u dont stop tickling me im gonna bite u so like u are then he was on his back and i was on my knees on the floor and he was laying on his back on the couch so then he bite me cuz i wouldnt leave me alone so i was like ima bite ur face then he didnt say anything then u started tickling me so then i bite him on the chek very gently basically using my gums instead of teeth then b4 i could get up my hair was in my face then all of a sudden we jus started making out. then we stopped and we sat down on the couch we he kissed my cheek again i was stop it u have a gurl friend then i was like fuq it and i leaned in and i was on top and we where making out again. Then we stopped and his bestfriend walked into the room but we had already stopped kissing so no 1 knos anything about this. So now the reason she wants to fight me is stupid i make out with ur boyfriend but u want 2 fight becuz of something that never happens well all i kno is that if i fight the way i've been feeling i might just take all my anger out on her and she might end up in the hospital!!!!! Errrrrr and u said we were bestfriends bitches i may have been ur best friend but u werent mines!!!!!! u were an associate not even a friend so bitch believe u stopped being my friend the day ur boyfriend asked my to fck him so get over it he went out with u becuz u were easy and u fuqed him in the staircase bitch u better believe now if u come to my face again dont worry ima fight cuz ima end up punching u in urs and i hope u read this u dumb ass because u say i was ur bestfriend bitch if i was ur bestfriend i wouldnt have disrespected ur grandma and i damn shore wouldnt have kissed ur boyfriend so jus get over it i was livin the good b4 i met and ima live it after i never see u again
This guy and I have been friends for ten years. We practically grew up together. Growing up I was pretty much a tomboy and I guess that's how he saw me. A few years later, he moved to California. A year later, so did I. We got in contact and went on a date. It was pretty cool. We caught up on old times and laughed almost the whole night through. The next time we met up, I went to his house to spend the day. We went to church, hung out with a few of his friends, played some sports, etc. But I noticed throughout the day that he was looking at me differently. I thought it was my imagination so I brushed it off. That same night we were going out and I decided to change into something suitable for the occassion. When I came down the stairway, he was sitting in the living room watching TV. As I sat down, I decided to make a quick glance over his way. I don't know if he caught me, but I caught him checking me out! Even though he was laughing at some comedic scenes, he scanned me from head to toe and back. I was praying to God that he didn't see me blush. Anyway so we went out that night and had a great time. When he dropped me off, he asked when he'd say me again. I told him I wasn't sure. That was almost a year ago. Now I'm hearing that he might go home for one of our friends' wedding. We communicate whenever we get the chance, whether we call or text each other. I'll admit that I think about him; but I'm in no rush in getting an answer out of him or admitting the 'truth' to myself. So, I'll just let things be. No harm done, right?
I have felt that horriible pain..... 16 years of marriage and then out of nowhere... she asked for a divorce.. it took 18 monts to recover..... if i'd known it was going to take that long, with that much pain when it first happened...i would have jumped off of a very tall building.... but, i have recovered.... seen several women...and have been seeing the same woman for the past 4 years. but... it has been falling apart in my heart for the past year. I just don't want to hurt her that way I was hurt.... but I am not happy... I have met another woman and I don't know what the fuck to do...not hurt someone or not be happy. this sucks
i spent about three hours last night crying because im so overwhelmed with life and school, mostly. but i shouldnt, and heres why. over the past week ive been talking to several people who are going through a tougher time than i will probably ever go through. she just got rejected by the love of her life. her brothers going to iraq. again. her sisters in the hospital with the same disease that killed my mom's best friend. her date ditched her for another girl on the same night. her crush told her brother he was asking her out and then asked out the girl she hates. just to bug her. her best friend is in jail. her future is ruined because she doesnt have enough money. she lost her virginity. too too early. her brothers death anniversary was this month. theyre living their dream through their child, who is miserable and they cant see that. her parents split up and screamed at each other in front of her friend. these are the people who i care most about in my life, and theyre going through this, all while i moan and whine about not getting the longchamp bag i wanted. i have a problem, OBVIOUSLY. and i dont know what to do. i hate this feeling. summer needs to come and blow this all away. asap.
I stopped and got a six pack (of course) and then I went and picked up my daughter from her after school care. She sang me a song about how she was all alone and no one wanted to play with her. It made me sad, but I also feel that she is not the easiest person to get a long with and so she does not make friends well. We then took off for the fabric store because she needed some items for an inschool display that she is working on. I stopped and got gas. $3.65!!!! a gallon!!!!! Stopped at the grocery store and picked up another six pack.....I don't have to be to work until 11:00am tomorrow......pitiful. I asked her what she wanted for dinner.....she decided on popcorn chicken. I bought a can of smoked oysters. I woke up at 3:00am this morning and took out the garbage and loaded the dishwasher....did a little laundry. My darling daughter came out and asked me what I was doing and I said, "Picking up".....she said, "Come back to bed mom." Well, I didn't....I kept picking up and drinking coffee. I got to work early and took and hour lunch, where I downed four beers....went back to work (at the substance abuse center) and continued to do my stupid boring clerical job. Now it's time to put on my sweats, turn on the oven for my daughter's popcorn chicken and probably crack open another beer......the oysters will come in a wim later when I'm aching for something in my belly.
A dangerous story It started out to be the best dream that ever existed. Beautiful in site mind in body, I saw nothing ever like him before, and I was intrigued and infatuated with the thought of him and the happiness he would bring me. I loved him soon as I saw him soon as he spoke my name I dreamed of how our life would be together. But then again people may say there is no such feeling but there is. You can lay your eyes upon something that could tell your life story something you could think to live by and love to the fullest. He would be my rock and my salvation the epitome of the dreams that existed in my mind. I loved him for his friendship and the effort he made for me the feelin of deep sincerity. He looked at me as if I was the only bitch in the room and I loved him for that. I spent the course of growing into a young woman tying to find myself through him and then I lost myself. I went against the things I said I would never do, I fell in love or what I thought to be love that turned out to be some sick infatuation that did not help me grow but stunned my process. I cried for him, cried myself to sleep, while he laughed in my face. He had gain full control and waved it in my face. And instead of saying look bitch don’t play with my emotions I let him I let him do as he pleased as long as he still claimed he loved me. My mom told me to never put so much emphasis and idolize that one person cause you give them the power to love you when unknowingly giving them the power to destroy you and your heart. I lost my virginity to him the first boyfriend I’d ever had and he was the bomb. Star football player beautiful smile, charismatic personality a motherfuckin player in disguise but he was sexy as hell so shit yal would have done it to. He worked his magic and I gave that shit up I mean I had planned to wait til I was married and I wasn’t like them other hoes who claimed that they wanted to do it I thought I had made a promise with God. But then again God was a distant second to what I had came to revolve my world around. We took and on and off turn through out high school I met him soon as I got there and let him ruin me for three years after. My junior year I got pissed, he was with this hoe some little ass girl who thought she was cute because she was Dominican. She threw it in my face months later into our senior year when he had went on to school and we tried to salvage what was left of us but she was pregnant. Yeah I said pregnant lol I hated him I hurt in my soul for him, I lived for him and he ruined me,. I went to school and he was not there to take the slack or point fingers at..they all looked at me like how could she be so dam stupid. That nigga fuckin someone else and you still dealing with him. Lol and the worst part was I had had another relationship but I couldn’t love the one who would come to be the best man I could have had because I let this motherfucker plague me. He was caught off guard and tried to make excuses but I had had enough. I can’t tell you how I had enough but I just did. I went on to have the worst year of my life from 18-19 almost to 20. I didn’t trust men so I said hey let me do them how he did me. Makin them men nothing but a show. I thought I had my sex going on so Id go out and grab one wouldn’t fuck em the first night cause I wanted them to take me out show me a good time we would date a while but they would never get too far cause I would drop them sometimes before I fucked em. There was a few I liked but never enough to let em get that far. So I would get with the ones that were unavailable they would be the players that you knew you couldn’t be with but they reminded me of him. They brought back that constant feelin woman like me have where we think we can change em fuck em good they stay hell na they just will keep fuckin you that’s bout it lol it is what it is. You love and you learned and I learned . I took on that for over a year and probably had sex with 20 guys lemme stop bout 25 within that time of a two years some only once with alcohol and condom of course but others it was a relationship that I just couldn’t give my all. I hadn’t talk to my first in a year and it felt good because when I did it angered me and what I thought to be healthy just continued the struggle of me dealing with these dam demons “fucking demons” lol yeah that’s what they were. Sex was my weapon I would talk you up mess with you and hope you felt as bad as I did. Hope you would grow to love me so I could crush you and crush you and crush you. Because I would try to convince myself that hey maybe I could grow to love you lol hell na you are what you are and I had lost my way. And every once in a while I thought to give one a chance maybe I was hating men too much and needed to “let go of the past and how that nigga did you cause I aint him baby” but then that nigga would fuck it up!!! Do some stupid shit and then I would be like why did I try. And I kept it under wraps too. Going to church, making fabulous grades and being captain of this that and everything else I was the bomb, but I was fucked up lol. But I thought where is the double standard where I can fuck you and not love you when I can fuck you and when I see you either laugh because you had the smallest dick I had ever seen or truly was a bad fuck or that you just something to do. Lol it was funny at first but you pay the price later. I thought I was being cute and took the condom off… lol yea this is the part were you be like dumb bitch…yea but there are thousand of dumb bitches that are in relationships not using a condom then get mad when they realize that motherfucker is fuckin you tracy Rebecca john… yea I said john a dude and sha nae nae lol yea you may laugh but its true then you tryin to backtrack an find out how this could happen but I was long gone. I knew I had the sex down I knew I had built a resume a, mile long but I forgot about consequences. We think because we looka certain way we aren’t susceptible to the repercussions that come with the decisions we make. Well I have news she can be the finest bitch alive and still have herpes, Chlamydia, genital warts and HIV. I wont throw statistics at you cause black people know they the number one and always will be to we get our head out our asses. I got something nothing deadly but that was all it took I did what I had to do but after I felt sick to my stomach. I was angry and mad and hurt but all I could blame was myself. I had tried to live two lives and one had choked the life out of the other. And you say hey I can change but I had to deal with the demons I had to say what was not being said im not having sex…I hadn’t for like over six months lol that’s long for some..call it what you want I guess im sort of a nigga but I slipped and have me a relation now, we chill and it is what it is but I now know my demons and they stare me dead in the face every morning but the difference is I really know now that no one can judge me but God. NO one really knows my story they think I am great and just wanna be like me but if they knew the deep down me would they respect me? Would they say she is a great person, a hoe, a bitch, what would they say? But I wouldn’t care because I change myself I cut off everyone and started fresh not completely brand new because I am always gonna be me but I made sure I knew who I had to answer to and wat would he think of me. I renewed my faith my relationships with true friends and am still taking that step to know that being a woman is a beautiful thing and we get so caught up In physical shit and forget that the is substance their and greatness something to work for someone to love and it may not be now and it may not be never when I find someone to deal with the story of me and what I live with but then again no one matters in love if you don’t know how to love yourself and carry a swag that say nigga im the shit and if you aint shit then you need to come up cause this is where I am going to if your friends lovers aint in the right spot then you might end up with a dangerous story too.
i want to end this affair, but can't because sex is great with her. what to do?
wHeRe dO I sTaRt? i rEaLLy dON't kNOw wHaT tO sAy... I feel so happy and gigly all the time. I'd laughed out loud when I think about him, about our silly conversations. I can't remember the last time I've been this happy. It feels so good but at the same time, I feel scared. I don't want to fall too hard for him. Because it's really complicated and I don't want to hurt anyone. Ofcourse it's not possible... Someone's gonna hurt for sure. Every time spent with him is amazing. No dull moments.. We can laugh about just anything. And will end up crying for laughing too hard. We don't need to say a word to understand each other. We can finish each others sentence and always thinking bout same thing. I really believe that he's my soul mate, but yeah soul mates can't be together they say.. His imperfections makes him perfect. I might not want to admit it, but I'm so happy everytime he'll say he loves me and he wants to be with me. I lied to myself when i said I didn't want him to fall for me and i wish that he didn't say those things. I want him... and I love him. And I'm thankful that he came along. If only........
I have been in deep thought this evening. I sat here, talking to a friend, and it made me realize something. We all, as individuals, groups, society, influence each other. Sometimes good, like tonight, and sometimes badly. But we all influence each other. I also realize that life is like a spiderweb. Everytime you touch the web, the whole web shivers or vibrates. That got me to thinking about the one person you say hello to. You influence his or her whole day. That one interaction between two individuals can lead to so much more by the end of a days time. These interactions can be like the one i had today, which enlightened me to an aspect of life i haven't thought about for a long time, or it could ruin some persons outlook on life itself. Just something to think about the next time you bump into someone or anything like that. Love and Later to all that read this. ME
It was so perfect why did it have to end? I mean fundamental and everything was there. I stupid self ened it also. I guess it was because i was afraid but he was so perfect. I jus froze up when he said he loved me and called me baby i just wasnt sure wat to do kno 1 had ever said those words 2 me besides my mom but you that doesnt count but i was jus afraid to say it back then everytime he would hold me i liked looking up at him. his tongue wondering inside my mouth felt so good it was so perfect everything was there but why did u have to tell me you loved me. I wasnt ready 4 that why did u have to push me away like that u were the first to say that and i was so scared. i especially like when we would go 2 ur house wen ur mother wasnt there and and jus make out on the couch and you would hold me in ur arms and tell me u wanted 2 spend ur life with me then u dropped a bomb and said L-O-V-E.
how do you response to someone when he/she says "i love you"? but you know you're not inlove w/ this person.
My dog is the biggest pussy. I do not know what his problem is. It is like he lacks self confidence. I will lay down on the couch and he will run up to me and everything will be fine. Then I will get up and go in the kitchen and he will follw me in there and when I go to give him a treat or something he cowers and runs like I am going to beat him. I have no idea what the deal is with him. When I have to go chase after him because he is too scared to come back inside after he goes pee, he gets so scared. I walk up to him and he flips on his side and starts peeing. I love this dog but god damn! I have never laid a hand on him.
I want to fall in love. Why is it so difficult? It's always just out of reach...
Ii remember hating school with a passion. Now that I have been out for ten years I wish I was back in school. The real world sucks.
... excuses fail you. By that I mean you know they are excuses before you are done concocting them. So they never gain enough momentum to become reality. And maybe that was okay before, when maybe you could compensate with sufficient denial. But now you know its odor all too well, too. There is nowhere to hide, because you were the hiding place all along, but now you are exposed to you. Wave goodbye to the thrill of those games. Now they are merely tedium. Less value produced than energy expended to produce them. But it is well and good for the you that never was to begin with no longer holds apparent reign over what is really real. Peace, brother and sister, for the absence of you has arrived.
Tom Cruise, John Travolta: Homo-Novis FoxNews.com Friday, April 18, 2008 By Roger Friedman Is it a conspiracy or just bad luck? The anti-Scientology video we told you about on Monday afternoon featuring actor Jason Beghe has been removed from YouTube. Sort of. The original video, put up by videographer Mark Bunker, is gone. YouTube pulled it late on Thursday. In the video, which Bunker made, Beghe describes his 13-year membership in the sect and why he left. Bunker thinks YouTube took down the video under pressure from Scientology. It’s possible, of course, but unlikely. The video is still up on YouTube in other forms, including here (warning: contains offensive language). It’s also easily found just by typing Beghe’s name into most search engines. Bunker says YouTube cancelled his account because of previous copyright issues with other videos he’s posted. He says those issues have been cleared up and he should have had time to prove that before they removed the Beghe interview. Photo caption: Actor Jason Beghe: Scientology Is 'Brainwashing' YouTube, which is owned by Google, is not the easiest place to get an answer from. Ricardo Reyes, the head of public relations, told me Thursday night, "There’s no conspiracy here." He would not say if Scientology had pressured the video posting site into taking down the Bunker/Beghe video. Reyes e-mailed the official YouTube stance to me later on: "We do not comment on individual videos." Despite this little flap, Beghe’s video has taken off like a rocket. The Village Voice newspaper here in New York as well as several video outlets have picked up the story about his brave escape from the sect. Some have even taken our original stories without credit. C’est la vie in this case. It was just important that Beghe get his story out to the widest audience possible. Beghe has more to say, and a longer video, some of which we’ll see here next week. The more he describes the Scientology experience, the scarier it sounds. As he told me the other day: "A Scientologist who’s ‘clear’ believes he’s no longer a Homosapien. He’s Homo-novis, a new race. They believe they are the only hope for this section of the galaxy, starting with planet Earth." Yes, Tom Cruise and John Travolta evidently believe this, Beghe says. And, yes, Beghe did confirm with me what he’s talked about on the videos: All Scientology sessions are taped. Every one of them, including those of Cruise, Travolta and all celebrities. Does Beghe care if his tapes ever get out? "Hell, no," he told me. "They won’t do that anyway because then the whole thing comes out and everyone knows there are tapes. They can’t do anything with them." Beghe also told me that one possible theory for why the careers of Scientologists tend to go south is that the famous actors, such as Jenna Elfman or Juliette Lewis, "get so involved in thinking only they can save the world" that the sect overwhelms them. This may be true: Elfman has had little luck since the cancellation of "Dharma and Greg." Lewis gets little acting work, Elfman’s husband, Bodhi, is only known because of Jenna, and rocker Beck hasn’t had a real hit album since "Odelay" back in 1996. As for Travolta, his career had a brief revival in 1994 with "Pulp Fiction." But he’s headlined a series of flops since then from "Be Cool" and "Ladder 49" to "Lucky Number," "Swordfish" and the Scientology-based sci-fi film "Battlefield: Earth." The rare exceptions were non-leads in "Hairspray" and "Wild Hogs."
but then I met someone and discovered that I'm impotent. The doctors say it's completely mental, but that didn't stop it from driving her away. And the others since. Now I'm afraid that I'll never be able to make it work with anyone. I feel cursed.
alright so its been on my mind latley and i just want to ...prevent people from doing what i did if at all possible so about a year and a half ago i was SUPER lonley...i made it out to myself as being worse than it was because dont get me wrong i had plenty of friends but i had just moved to a new city for like the millionth time and i was sick of always being the girl that was over looked and never got guys attention...so basicly i just went out and rushed a bunch of relashionships...both emotionally and sexually, which didnt help anything in fact it hurt more people than i ever thought it could.so im not saying dont have sex or whatever...im just asking you...all you girls...to make sure its with the right guy...u dont want to get anything...including pregnant so be careful...also being used is the worst feeling ever...and no matter how much u think it doesnt matter or how much you numb yourself to the emotions that come along with sex it will come back to bite u in the ass...hah that got off topic but hope this helps someone.
what's the point? so all those movies trying to figure out life... well i got your answer. all the bad things in life equal out all the good things, so why try for the good things? don’t believe me? well lets try this one. John F. Kennedy becomes president, something he spent thousands maybe millions of dollars on campaigning for because he wanted it that bad. He gets the job, but is assassinated. A marathon runner, probably wanted to run a marathon so bad all his life. When he finally can he becomes an outstanding runner. Places numerous times, tries for the olympics, but dies during a marathon while training for the olympics. This is how life works. The more you want something or the happier something will make you, the more it will tear you apart later. If you want something that can make you happier than ever, chances are something tragic will happen to you or you will die trying. And before, I didn’t believe there really was a deity. I doubted everything I was ever told. But now I know there is. He sent people to preach simplicity as a way of life. Not many followed, but looking at it in hindsight, everyone should have. The reality is we all need to live simplicity because there is no loss in that. There are no extreme gains, but there is nothing directly wrong with living simply. Humans would be happiest if we lived simply and that is probably how we were supposed to live. Our brains were just to help us be individuals, but they took over. So here we are. At points in our life there may be extreme happiness but later on the loss is extremely painful. Was that moment of happiness really worth it? The way life works, I believe there pain will always be equal to the enjoyment.
Okay, so i like this kid who's my age but is in the grade below me (ya he got held back for some reason). I went to school with him in elementary school but he left for middle school and I hadn't seen him until this year. He's freaking hot but there are some problems: 1. I still haven't talked to him (it's been like...5 years) 2. He has a girlfriend (who's 2 years younger than us) 3. I wouldn't even know what to say. The thing is though, i always catch him staring at me, it's not the type of stare when someone is just staring off into space, he's actually staring at me. I don't know how to take that. What should I do? Should I just try to forget about it and move on? And if so...how?
I have a secret. I hope you can keep it... Up unitl a few months ago, I had been messing around with one of my guy friends behind his girlfriend's back. What can I say? He came on to me and I didn't stop him. Maybe it's because I didn't want to. Don't get me wrong; I did feel a little guilt, especially since I had never done something like this before. But I enjoyed every single moment of it. And the best part about it was that no one knew what was going on; not even our closest friends. I'm not exactly proud but it almost felt like an adventure. It started with little stolen kisses. Then the kisses turned into make-out sessions;long, make-out sessions. God, he was such a great kisser. The next thing I knew, he was wrestling me down to the floor our rehearsal room. That's where things officially became really hot & heavy. And it continued for a while. Whether it was on the floor or a table, against the wall, on the stairway, or even on the balcony, trust me, the sex was always great and well worth with. But, of course, all good things must come to an end. I finally came to my senses and called the whole thing off. Well, he wouldn't let me without one final kiss. And one final touch, one final suck, one final lick, and eventually one final fuck. Like I said, it was well worth it.
I came across a book called, "See Through", in the bargain section at Barnes and Noble, earlier today. By Nelly Reifler. Paperback. Beautiful cover. A woman sitting on stairs. The head is cropped off the top of the cover. But it would have been irrelevant amidst the glory of the legs and hips, posed knock-kneed. The blue skirt is hiked up the way they do when sitting on stairs. Her left hand rests upon the top of the left thigh, fingers on thigh skin, except the index finger which hovers over the gap. I know what it wants to do. But I also know that, left to the imagination, it does far more where it is than where it could be. The legs aren't perfect in and of themselves. But in their arrangement, they are. That sight has taken my breath away for how many decades now? I'd give anything to enter the cover, and run my hands lightly along the undersides of those hips. Nothing beats the coaxing of the species encore, also known as the next generation. By the way, the stories are rather nice too.
OSA 101 THE PLAN by ex osa volunteer and 30 year Scientologist Tory Bezazian 1. Distract the critics...get them OFF of Scientology..any way you can. 2. If possible, turn the critics against each other. This turns people off, and they stop posting or reading. 3. Make discussions totally un-readable...so no one wants to stay or come on there. 4. Degrade any and all critics of Scientology. This can be done any way possible. They will lie, fake allegiance, pick at you over and over, or just make gibberish so people get sick of even reading discussions. Bottom line: Trash all discussions...so the attention goes OFF of Scientology and on to ANYTHING else. Don't forget it.....it's important not to get sucked in.
how do i know if im being abused by my husband? he calls me names a lot and makes me feel... stupid and ugly. sometimes he pinches the back of my arm when hes mad at me. is that normal?
Okay, so I know you aren’t going to like this, and I probably won’t even end up sending this to you, but I have to get this out somehow. I know you don’t like it when I bring up the whole Valerie thing, but even I don’t really understand what about the situation bothers me so much so I’m just going to go over everything that has bothered me about it and how I feel. I promise that I’m not trying to accuse you of anything or make you feel bad/guilty about anything that has happened, I’m just trying to get this out there so that I (and you) can understand why I feel the way I do about it. So let’s start from the beginning. When we first started talking you mentioned her a few times. The first time you mentioned her you told me that you had had a thing for her in the spring but what I got out of it was she just basically wanted to be friends. She then thought you were mad at her, because of it, and when you invited her out to the barn to drink she said that she didn’t think she was welcome. You said you were friends and she was always welcome. The next time you mentioned her was when you were telling me about your car wreck that had happened that May. You said that at the time that you had feelings for Valerie and that both Valerie and Gavin knew about it. The way you said it to me was that you and Nora had left because you were both pissed that Valerie and Gavin were having sex, Nora was pissed because she was in the room at the time, and I assumed you were mad because you liked Valerie. These two things just made me uncomfortable because I knew you were still friends with her (commenting on her myspace and stuff) and it seemed to me like the only reason you didn’t date her was because she liked Brandon and she just wanted to be friends (i.e. you still liked her she just didn’t want things to go further.) So, back to the myspace comments. There was one point in time where she joked on your page about having your babies. I’m sorry if this sounds paranoid/stupid or seems like I’m accusing you of something, but that seemed a bit overly flirtatious to me and that might just be how your friendship was and we hadn’t been dating for that long and you probably wouldn’t have known that it would bother me like that but it did, which is kind of why I started getting nervous about your friendship. The next thing though is what really got to me and that was the fact that you went drinking with her. Granted it was not just the two of you, but you never mentioned that she was there until I asked you about it. You talked about road tripping but never mentioned her name until I asked who was there. That just made it seem like you didn’t want me to know she was there for some reason and it made me nervous, so the next time you went drinking with her I went with you. And if you didn’t notice, I held your hand all night. I realize that I still hadn’t mentioned anything to you, and honestly I probably never would have said anything, so I’m really glad that Debbie mentioned it to you. It was really hard for me to leave Jack’s graduation party because before we left you were like sharing your drink with her and stuff, but I did because I kept telling myself it was no big deal, you didn’t have feelings for her anymore, and Debbie made me feel a lot better about it because she told me some of the things you had talked about the night before. But I still didn’t like it. Now the facebook pictures. I don’t even look at yours anymore because of the one where you were going to the movies and you had your arm around her. There was also the one from Jack’s graduation party where you are wearing the asshole hat and her sister commented about it fitting you perfectly. I don’t really get how she would know that considering that you’ve met her sister only a few times unless she was talking to her sister at one point about you which I don’t know why she would do that if things had happened the way you told me. This is one thing that I think I’m taking out of proportion but since I’m doing this I think I should be completely honest about what I have thought/felt about this whole situation. Last summer, when you went to her house, it made me extremely uncomfortable. This was not because you were there, it was because you were there WITHOUT me and you had told me beforehand that you were going somewhere else. I understand that you didn’t know where you were going until you left, but honestly I find this a little hard to believe, but I trust you so I’m not even going to get into that. The point I’m trying to make is that you were uncomfortable about going there again when Penny mentioned that she wanted us to come and I don’t really care if we go together, it’s just the fact that you went without me that bothered me. The final thing that really bothered me is something we’ve talked about a lot, and basically you get mad whenever I bring it up but it needs to be done because I don’t feel like I explained how it made me felt very accurately. At Bryan’s when she locked herself in the bathroom, she called for you. There were at least ten other people in the room, she could have just yelled for anyone but she used your name. Not only that but you didn’t even mention to me that she was there at all and I’m still not sure if you would have said anything if I hadn’t showed up, but again I trust you so I’m not getting into that. What really made me nervous about that was, again, the fact that it seemed to me like you didn’t date her because she didn’t want to. Which made me think that maybe she had changed her mind, or you had told her that I am not comfortable with you and her being friends and she just wanted to piss me off, I’m not really sure which one it is. What this all boils down to is the fact that I still don’t feel like I know everything that happened with the two of you and maybe you didn’t tell me at first and now you really feel like you can’t tell me without seeming like the bad guy, but if there is something else I want you to tell me because I feel like that might be the reason that I just cannot get over this. I understand by this time you are probably really pissed at me because I brought it up again, but seriously sometimes I think about it so much that it makes me sick to my stomach. I love you and I want you all to myself and sometimes, for some reason, I feel like there is something still between us. Either way, if there is or isn’t something you haven’t told me, I still love you and I will always love you and I’m sorry for putting all of this pressure on you, but this is just something I’ve needed to get out. I realize that we’ve talked about most of this stuff before but I feel like if I put it all together you might realize why things get to me and why I can’t just let it go. If you still don’t understand, that’s fine, but I just wanted to try to get you to understand where I’m coming from. Please don’t make this into something it isn’t, I love you and I want to spend my life with you and this is probably something I’m going to have to work out on my own.
So i pick him up from the airport and from the moment he steps in the door our eyes were locked. We couldnt stop smiling. We made small talk all the way to the car. After loading it up we get in, buckle up and i start the car. I pause for a minute and look over at him and simultaniously we both lean in and grab eachother and kiss. His lips taste so good and his tongue is so soft. He kissed me like he had been wanting to kiss me his whole life. He unbuckles his seat belt, then mine and pulls me over onto his lap. we are still kissing, i cant remember the last time i took a breath. He is running his hands through my hair and pulling my body closer and closer to him with my hips. Im biting his lip, he is running his tongue along mine. God i want to fuck him. I want him to take me right here, right now in broad daylight. i bite his ear loabs and gentle breath into his ear and moan. I can feel his body tense up for a moment then relax again. I pull his shirt off over his head and lean the seat back as far as it will go. i lick his nipples and run my fingers down his chest. I can feel him getting hard. he is caressing my breasts through my shirt and i slip his hand beneath my shirt so his hands can wander. He unsnaps my bra and cups my breasts and gently squeezes. Im moaning louder now. My hands are at his belt trying to unhook it. finally it does and i put my hand just under the waist of his pants. I slowly move my hand down his pants, down his happy trail, and over his hip bone. I look at him and he is looking up at me with eyes full of passion. he smiles and removes his hand from under my shirt and holds my head in his hands and pulls me in for a kiss just as i grasp him. He is so hard and so big. i am stroking him when he looks up again "lets get in the back seat' he says. Luckily the back has fold down seats and tinted windows. We climb over the seats and he pulls my shirt over my head and throw it up front. He kisses my breasts and sucks my nipples. I cant hold out much longer, i want him in me. he pulls my jeans off and slips his hand beneath my panties. He is gentle but has big hands. I am beginning to sweat now. He is on all fours above me and i am holding onto his his arms urging him for more. I run my hands up and over his shoulders and drag my nails across his back. "take me" i say out loud but it comes out as just a wisper. I push his pants down and he wiggles them off. He is wearing those sexy boxer/briefs, black. and he slips my panties down my legs and over my feet. not even a minute later his boxer/briefs are laying next to them on the floor and he is inside me. His muscles are bulging and he hair is all messed up. Sweat is running down his back. I hear someone walk by but i dont care this feels amazing. My arms are around him, running my fingers up and down his spine. he closes his mouth over my breast and i close my eyes and lean my head back. we're both breathing heavily and the windows are fogging. I climax loudly, firmly pulling at his shoulders and arms,and nibbling his skin..he didnt cum yet. we flip me over off my back and get on all fours and he takes me from behind. I push against the front seats to create resistance and push back. His hands are on my back for support then around my hips and he pushes into me harder and faster. I am moaning, calling out his name. Yes, yes,yes! And he cums. His body relaxes and he pulls out. we both flip over onto our backs and lay there for a minute trying to catch our breaths. I close my eyes and try to gain my sanity back. I look over at him and he is already looking at me. We smiles, 'wanna go again?'. then...i wake up.
I have a higher IQ than average. So much higher in fact that I hardly leave the house because I am surrounded by mental midgets. Smoke more weed. Read and think more. Stop getting drunk. You're only making us look stupider in the eyes of God.
I recently worked with a woman, well three years ago, and in the year that she was with the company we started flirting and exchnging emails at work to help the hors pass at work. The emails got more daring moving from what did you do at the weekend to what would be your ideal evening and night out with some one. The crunch time came when she mailed me and said "if you ask me a question i will answer it completely honestly" to which I replied "that sounds like a dare, I will do the same" she then asked "do you find me attractive" to whihc I replied "yes" five minutes later we were up against a wall around the corner from our office snogging. We then exchanged more raunchy emails about what we would do with each other, and met agin for a meal out and drinks ain the evening and at lunch times with lots of touching and kissing is corner booths at various places, inlcuding the basement of our office! This continued for about three months with her regularly wanting to meet and spend time with each other. the only issue is that we are both married! She kept on wanting to take things further, book a hotel and spend the night. Although at times I wanted to do this I never did and eventually it fizzled out and she left the company. Later on after her departure i found out after our brief relationship fizzled out she had an affair with another guy at the office. I met her a couple of times since we remain friendly and she eventually told me about this and said she'd been with another guy at her new office and in fact had slept with another guy before she came to work at my office and would love to finish what we started. I to date have never done anything although we do sometimes meet for drinks and have kissed over a drink or two. However I can't help but think I am missing out on something but am aware that I could lose everything if I got found out. It appears she is a serial shagger as she has recently slelpt with another guy at her office.
David Miscavige is a violent megalomaniac that has tried rewriting the totally ineffective "tech" devised by the paranoid psychotic sci-fi hack L Ron Hubbard. They are trying to cover up that silly Xenu story. Spread the word and earn 20 points of WIN!
I'm currently on a gap year, but I've got a place at one of the best universities there is. But I don't know whether I actually want to do the course or not, whether I even enjoy the subject and I don't want to get trapped doing something I hate. But I really love the university and want to be a student. I feel like I wasted a lot of my time as a teenager studying and I don't want to waste anymore of my life putting so much effort into something I'm not sure I actually want. I also don't want to be labelled as the person who went to that univeristy because I want to be me and have been labelled a lot growing up by my achievements at school. I also think I don't trust myself, I'm afraid of getting caught up in being successful and a big achiever, when realistically I know that that won't make you happy. But I don't want to throw a big opportunity away though.
Lafayette Ron Hubbard was a lying, thieving hack who left a legacy of insanity and broken lives. David Miscavige is squirreling the tech and is an evil little man. If you are in, and want out, you CAN get away. Downstat, you OSA jerks!
Suspicious Death of Scientology Critic Shawn Lonsdale 19 February, 2008 Working on his anti-Church of Scientology documentary, Shawn Lonsdale videotapes in downtown Clearwater. In the window behind him is a sign intended to alert people to his presence. “They think because I’m a nobody and I’ve got nothing that I’m easy to stomp,’’ Lonsdale says. For a brief time, Shawn Lonsdale, 39, was a fixture outside Scientology’s infamous Fort Harrison Hotel in Clearwater, Florida (the hotel in which Lisa McPherson died under the “care” of Scientologists). He was filming what he called a pseudo-documentary and stood for hours at a time gathering footage. He also posted frequently on various anti-Scientology discussion forums and was a well known activist. He endured death threats and smear campaigns. He worked for a brief time in his younger days as a male prostitute, and flyers with this information were posted all over town. He was undeterred by these tactics. And now, after the most widespread anti-Scientology action in history [worldwide protests of the cult by Anonymous], he is dead from what police are calling an “apparent suicide.” The circumstances of his death are strange in themselves. He was found dead in his home with a hose leading from his car’s exhaust pipe into his house. Why he didn’t simply stay in the car is the first question everyone asked. It seems to be a suicide plan with a high probability of failure. The entire house would have to fill with CO2 before the car ran out of gas or someone noticed the odd details. According to the Times report, Lonsdale had backed off of his anti-Scientology activities, or at least the public ones. Perhaps he was editing his hours and hours of footage, or perhaps he simply pulled back from the stress of the battle with the “fair-gaming” Church. He’d found a job and was thinking about going back to school to get a private investigator’s license. But the timing is quite strange. On Feb. 10 the single largest, worldwide Scientology protest action was held and the momentum shown by the “anonymous” movement against Scientology showed no signs of slowing. Why would he pick the days following the sort of victory he’d been working so hard for to take his own life? Unfortunately, the wrong people may be investigating. There have been allegations that the Scientologists have a lot of “influence” with the Clearwater police department. Are we being unfair? Would Scientology ever deliberately murder or at least attempt to drive someone to suicide? Unfortunately, the answer to that question is a definitive yes. As part of their fair game policy, for example (which the Church now claims is no longer in effect), investigative reporter Paulette Cooper was harassed with the intention of inducing suicide. The most bizarre documents (recovered in FBI raids on Scientology offices) referred to “Operation Freakout.” Its goal, they wrote, was to “get P.C., [me] incarcerated in a mental institution or jail or at least to hit her so hard that she drops her attacks.” It appeared that after the first frameup had failed to silence me or land me in prison, they plotted again to make it look like I was making bomb threats against Scientology and others. Sounding eerily like the ‘72 letters, these new missives were going to go out to Scientology, to Henry Kissinger, to Arab embassies (because I’m Jewish) and also to a Laundromat! Go figure. And it’s worth mentioning the L. Ron Hubbard’s own son, thought to be gay (Scientologists don’t like gays much) and otherwise embarrassing his father, allegedly committed suicide in 1976 in a similar manner. Quentin Hubbard was found dead in a car in the desert with a hose leading from the tailpipe to nearby the car. The police assumed it had fallen out of the window after Hubbard died from carbon monoxide poisoning. But I hope the medical examiner does a thorough job on Lonsdale’s body because it turned out that there was NO carbon monoxide in Hubbard’s body, though there were needle marks on both arms. You can read the coroner’s report as well as an account of the story from someone who was inside Scientology at the time. Suicides happen. And they happen around Scientology a lot, though often it’s just folks who realized they spent their life savings for a scam. But what is known in this case is enough to convict the Church in the court of public opinion if nothing else. Lonsdale…a single guy with a video camera and no operating budget to speak of, was harassed, threatened and defamed in a coordinated campaign to destroy a critic of the Church. They say they don’t “fair game” anyone anymore. All that tells me is that they changed the terminology. Also, due to the nature of this topic and the litigious nature of the Church, I print this article with no copyright protection of any kind. You can reprint it all or in part, with or without attribution and with or without linking back to this page. So, feel free to make copies and if this site bites the dust for some reason, just slap it back up somewhere. This right is strictly reserved, however, for individuals, entities and organizations which are not affiliated with the Church of Scientology.
My husband is losing it, really really losing it and has been for years. He's SO depressed, becomes violent and threatens to kill himself. I got to get out of here. I can't do this anymore. Problem is I have children and traded the 9 - 5 for a house in the country and the ability to raise my kids. AKA I don't have an income and there is no local jobs. My husband is so mean, he threatens divorce and making us homeless at every turn, yells and is very much like Hitlor. He can't be pleased and if I stand up to him I get hit. Not a big deal for him to hit me, hell, he goes for the sucker punches. Must make him feel like a man to have that kind of control. He wasn't always like this otherwise I wouldn't be here but he's fucking psycho now and refuses to get help. I have friends to talk to but they don't get it and can't offer any great solutions so I hold it all inside. I get more and more depressed by the day. I'm dying inside and have to put on a face for the world and especially for my kids. I wish I had someone to turn to but my friends won't see the whole picture and "our" friends, well, that isn't fair or right. Turn to social services? That uproots my kids from their home, raises questions for them in school they don't need, puts us on social services and locks any chance I will ever have of leaving this hell I'm in.
Scientology staff who fail to live up to the cult's impossible standards may be referred to the Rehabilitation Project Force, work camps meant to “rehabilitate” troublesome members. In addition to studying Scientology, residents of the RPF are required to perform long hours of grueling manual labor and live in appalling conditions. While the Church compares it to a boot camp, critics see RPF as more reminiscent of prison labor camps or the gulags of the Soviet Union. One former Scientologist described the RPF as follows: It was essentially a Scientology prison to which crew who were considered nonproducers, security risks, or just wanted to leave the cult, were assigned. Hubbard's RPF policies established the conditions. RPF members were segregated and not allowed to communicate with anyone else. They had their own area and were not allowed in normal staff areas. They ate after normal crew had eaten, and only whatever was left over from the crew meal. Their berthing was the worst on board, in a roach-infested, filthy and unventilated cargo hold. They wore black boilersuits, even in the hottest weather. They were required to run everywhere. Discipline was harsh and bizarre, with running laps of the ship assigned for the slightest infraction like failing to address a senior with "Sir." Testimony from other ex-members indicates that conditions on land bases are little better. Those who are deemed to have failed to meet the RPF's standards may be sent to the RPF's RPF, an even more brutal regime.
Fair Game. One policy of the Church of Scientology to gain the most criticism is known as Fair Game. L Ron Hubbard, in an internal policy document, described Fair Game as follows: ENEMY -- Fair game. May be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. Perhaps the most infamous application of the Fair Game policy was its use against journalist Paulette Cooper. Cooper wrote an article in 1970 criticising the Church, which was later expanded into a book, the Scandal of Scientology. In it she condemned several activities of the Church, including its financial exploitation of its members, its authoritarian, cultish structure, and abuse within the Church's elite sector known as the Sea Org. In response, the Church launched an attempt to drive Cooper to a mental institution or jail through escalating harassment. Methods included obscene phone calls, death threats, blackmail, and the staging of two bomb threats in Cooper's name against the Church. Attempts were made on her life. Fraudulent bomb threats were be made by Scientology (using Cooper's name) to foreign consulates and the President and Secretary of State.
I Want a boyfriend so much. I want a guy who cares about me and loves me and i actually have things in common with. It sounds selfish but my friend is tlkin to me on msn about how much she loves her boyfriend of 4 months and i can't be fucked listening. i just want to tell someone about all the lovely things MY boyfriend does for ME. sniff....
I'm horribly in love with my boyfriend.. and I wish I wasn't. He is great to me.. when he feels like it. I don't know what his deal is, but he gets in these horrible moods set off by the smallest things to literally nothing at all. He treats me absolutely horribly when he's like this. He ignores me, yells, acts like everything is my fault, tells me we should just be over.. and all that kind of stuff. I try to talk to him about it but it never goes well. He just does what he always does and denies it, yelling, degrading, ignoring. Now, I consider myself to be pretty down to earth, so when I say I'm not provoking this I mean it. I try to work it out, ask for ways we can compromise and such, and nothing ever comes of it. Recently, he accused me of breaking plans with him (which I didn't). We had plans and someone else invited me to do something the same time. I told him to let me call them back and tell them no since we had stuff to do. He then started yelling and saying that I wanted to go with them and not be with him and he couldn't believe I was breaking our plans. He still to this day insists that I was planning on going with them. Needless to say, after I was done begging for mercy, he calmed and said that breaking plans was huge to him and was a horrible thing. Funny thing is, he constantly breaks plans and promises himself. ALL THE TIME. He says he will do something and never does. He will leave me waiting for over an hour and then change his mind when it comes time to do it. I tried to bring this up, but he won't listen. All I get is "whatever.. whatever you think.. yupp sure". Now, aside from this horrible once-a-day attitude, he's great. He's a great boyfriend and truly shows he cares for me. He makes me feel wonderful and says he wants to be together forever. I can't leave him.. So please don't suggest that.. but I'm at a complete loss. I get treated like this sometime everyday. I tried talking, yelling, ignoring.. I just don't know what to do. I have thought of bipolar disorder or stuff like that, but I could never bring that up. His friends are extremely loyal so I don't know if I could ask one of them if this was normal before we met. Also, I don't think he would ever hit me. He grew up with that in his house and swears he could never ever hit a woman (I know about growing up around it = better chance of doing it, but he seems very admant and sincere about this). I just need some advice, or even someone who could relate and tell me it gets better? That it can work out? I can't imagine my life without him and never want to have to.
God damnit, I'm sick of this stupid house. My mother has this STUPID thing of being all "Woe is me, no one pays attention to me." Yeah? Well how come the whole house revolves around you and your bloody panic attacks (and only she's allowed to have them. I'm not allowed to bloody panic at the thought of escalators. Stupid fear, yes, but still...) and the whole sob story thing... Christ. Yes, I have a weird syndrome. Yes, you had breast cancer. No, you don't have to tell everyone and make a big deal out of it. And I wish she'd stop making me feel like an IDIOT. I say stupid things sometimes. But for the love of god, STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES EVERYTIME I SAY SOMETHING. YOU ARE NOT HELPING MY ALREADY CRAPPY SOCIAL SKILLS. Also, stop limiting my chances to make friends. I have 2 friends. 2. And I see them... Oh, maybe twice on the holidays. But the rest of the time, NOOOOOOO. "Finish your schoolwork." "I'm too tired." "I'm sick." Screw you. You're not the only person in the house, ya know? I'm going crazy, having no one but my family and my sister's ex to talk too. Sister's ex... Still lives with us. Wish he'd never lived with us in the first place, because he's a freaking jerk. I'm not obsessive compulsive about being right, YOU are just WRONG, VERY OFTEN. You're the only one who leaves cigarette lighters and it doesn't matter whether you "Don't have a green lighter." And sop being so "woe is me" all the time. My sister doesn't like you anymore. Tough luck. Stop saying "I LOVE YOU!" to every girl you talk to on the internet, and stop being a goddamn WHORE. Men can be whores too, ok? Stop being depressed cause you only get a little bit of time on MY COMPUTER. It's annoying, and you get plenty. Sigh...
Nothing matters to me anymore. I'm quite the talented person with everything going for me but, I simply don't care. I just want to die. .....No, but it does cross my mind. With all that I have, I should be super confident. But, I hide. I don't want people to see me. And my job is very much in the public eye. I feel guilty for not being happy. I should be happy. WTF. I seem to be always trying to impress people. In my line of work I shouldn't give a fuck what people think. Plus, they are just as flawed as I am. I'm such a wuss. There seemed to be 1 point in my life when I was ok with everything. But I ended up hurting people. I think about sex a lot. I'm lonely but I don't want a girlfriend. I miss my X a lot yet, I don't know if I should get back with her even if she wanted to. I was such a shit to her. (From my point of veiw) I don't seem to do things I'd really like to do. Funny, I believe that I'm leader material. But, I'm so lazy. LAZY. Well whatever here's my stupid blog.
Good god. Spring break is taking forever. It's all I can do not to lash out and tell each and every person in my house to back the fuck off. (I'm so sweet to them, yes?) Black sheep walking, is what they say to me. You know, down in the hood. :P Cause everyone likes spring break, in theory. Except me. While millions of people this week are running around getting stoned and picking dandelions off the coast of Flo-Rida, I'm just taking laps around the house with my cell phone, texting ___ to tell him how much I miss him. (Which is quite an expensive pastime, if you do it like I do. A very easy way to blow through $30 worth of TracDollars in a few hours.) The only comfort is that he's doing the same thing, from a good 500 miles away. But he's actually SOMEWHERE, whereas I'm nowhere. Doing Nothing. And it's only the fourth day of break. Six more days. I'm considering whether I should celebrate 4.20 or not. Given the week I've been having so far, I'm thinking I should. But then again, I'm trying to be healthy and the like..I've just finished detoxing myself, which entailed an eternity of drinking nothing but water and eating only the requisite family dinners my mother pushed on me. It would be a shame to muck that up. ... No it wouldn't. I just don't feel like going through the whole fasting-detoxing-near-anorexic thing again. Having self-arguments suck. You know, I just read the thing at the bottom of the page here.. By clicking submit, you allow us to display the contents of your post on FearlessBlogging.com until the sun burns out.<<That. This site is called FEARLESS Blogging. If I were a lesser woman, I would back right the hell out of that. You know, whoever designed this website wasn't fed enough gossip back in the high school years. Like, I can picture some shrimpy little kid..the kind who only had like one girlfriend and answered "I like math" when asked what his favorite sport was..and after a ferocious battle of Solitaire one day in college, he said "damn, i wish someone would tell me ALL OF THE SECRETS THEY DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE TO KNOW." So he decided to be a psycologist. But he was already an info tech major, and the nazis in the front office wouldn't let him switch. So he made this website. And the snake-in-the-grass in me totally thanks him. I'm off to go read some other people's miserable posts.