What else could it be? (To you.) Re-ality is merely re-petition. Re-cognition. Re-iteration. Againness. Advertisers know it. You should too.
Why do so many people love watching this movie over and over?
...is the best horror writer ever... and he's not getting the credit he deserves... so sick of it all
Or did he just smack 'em around a little? You be the judge.
So it didn't even make it a full year. But I guess living (and even moving) together reveals chinks in wild dreams. I'm sad in a way, but relieved even more so. Some of us are born to be alone. It's cool.
Where are all the friends my dad keeps telling me to get up early to hang out with? SRSLY... I don't have any right now. This is boring as shit, and I can't stand it. I want to go back to school.
What is it about Al Sharpton and Mike Hucklebee that makes me sick? Well it has to start with them thinking that their version of religion trumps everyone else. I have a dream that I can live in a country where a person truly has freedom to worship according to the dictates of their own heart. Is not this country what the founding fathers had in mind? Freedom of religion, which is suppose to be all Americans, but for many of our so called Christian community that only applies to them. What Mike and Al have to done to slander Mitt Romney is such a devilish act that we must defer to the masters counsel: "By their fruits ye shall know them" speaking of his true followers. Evidently Mike and Al think that religious freedom is only for them and to hell iwth everyone else. Mike Hucklebee only represents a small group of Americans and not fit.
I've towed the line more than my fair share. Life has not been easy for any of us but god dammit!!!!!!!!! He looks at porm all the f-ing time now and I cant deal with it. I've tried to search for websites that might strike him as unpleasantly as I've been struck but they're all f-inb gay porn sites... what the f? He has this new found security since his inheritance (though not yet received).... oh yeah boy, he has changed already. I'm not sure of anything anymore and NO, its not some f-ing insecurity of mine. Theu are all in check, beliebe me. I'm constantly soul searching and this is something new and uncomfortable. I dont need anything that money can buy and I don't need to put up qith any f-ed up character that grows from the knowledge of wealth. If you think yoyu can do better... then you've always thought that and you have been waiting and wasting our time. You will never be able to treat me like shit with your personal wealth asshole. You some off all innocent to your ears but I see right f-ing through you. -murrays ex
married over ten years. 3 kids over 11 years old. husband looks at more porn online than ever before. he is also coming into a large inheritance and we've always been broke. he is very detached and I have a knot in my stomach. I need to be happy but he is more concerned with himself. i notice a difference in him already. any advice? I want more for me in a marriage or I would be single. I cant deal with the increasing interest in online porn.
i dont even know where to start. im not looking for pity, or sympathy or anything like that. i just need to vent to someone, or something. the only person who i thought was there for me, isnt anymore. tonight my step dad said some fucked up things to me and it fucking hurt like hell. so i went to my guy, thinking he would get me thru this like he always does. he used to do anything just to make me smile, laugh, or anything just to get my mind off whatever was bugging me. but when i went to him tonight and told him how i felt all he said was "gotcha" and now he says i snapped at him so fuck it. im so lost in my life. idk wut ive done or wut to do anymore i need help. but i just cant seem to find it. idk who to turn to, who to trust, or who to talk to anymore. i dont fit in with my family, lost my friends, and now my boyfriend is changing. from this sweet, loving, caring guy who always made me smile, complimenting me left and right. to this guy who doesnt have long convos with me anymore or tell me compliments or be there when i need him. but if i lose him im nothing. i have nobody. im scared. im fucking scared..
life is short so they say you should live it to its fullest. i feel like i'm not living it to its fullest. i know i'm young but i'm afraid that i will never come out of my shell and really live life. i'm kind of shy and really wish i wasn't...
A scene from a movie, and I often find myself wondering, almost dying to know what it would be like now. I never knew you, but somehow, you always find me, and there's that overwhelming feeling again, like if I don't find someway to be closer to you, I'll never truly experience life the way you wanted your friends and everyone around you, to. You are missed and you are loved. And I'll see you on the other side, just...hopefully, not too soon.
Now, its been a good solid year since i have been in a relationship, a real one, the summer doesnt count, and there is this girl great girl all the same interests, and i have a chance, so onto the problem, i have known her along time and a few years ago when i met her i also got introduced to her best friend, and over the years things were said between the two and now they hate each other but im amazingly good friends with the one girl, but she hates the girl im attracted to, and the cherry on top is that this girl who is also a really good friend also hates this girl...oh ps this isnt desperation, someone said that too me and i was taken back by it...say wha? But anyway this girl is just amazing in everyway i can think to imagine, so should i go for her or hide the feelings deep within to avoid having to save my dearest friends?
I got to know this girl when I was a kid. Years later we lived together for several years - she's the woman I've been closest to so far. I'm 37. Sometimes I think it broke me permanently. I've been doing online dating for a few years now. I've met somewhere between 75 and 100 women. There have been a few near misses - functional relationships where we dated or saw each other for a few weeks - but no one that has reached the level of girlfriend. Ex-gf (D) and I tried being friends for several years. But it started following a pattern of her being really open and giving to me when she was in emotional need. When she was having trouble with something. I understood her like no other, and she'd tell me often how much she'd appreciate it. She'd still tell me she loved me from time to time, even though we had largely stopped saying that. And the second part of the pattern is that when she'd feel better, or have her problem solved, she'd disappear. The walls would come up and she'd get boundaried. But in this extra frustrating way - it wasn't that she'd say she felt like we had gotten too close. She'd act like it had never happened. And then when I'd behave consistently with when we were closer (even days previously), she'd respond as if I was being inappropriate. And by "behave consistently", I don't mean that we were being romantic, I just mean... asking about how she was feeling, wanting to talk on the deeper level. Emotional intimacy. It was the indignance from her, the "how could you think this is appropriate?" demeanor. It was making me feel like I was insane. I would call her out on it, and we'd argue. She'd eventually break down and admit it. And things would be fine. Until it happened again. It happened one too many times. I ended the friendship, and told her it was for good. It was three months ago. We had had time apart before but it had always left the door open. Not this time. I've heard things since, about how she's cut her hair, is leaving her job, might be moving. I've just been really emotional these last few days. I really miss her. When she was soft to me, there wasn't ever anything better. I've been having an awful time dating lately. But even when I go back to our recent correspondences, it's clear she's not who she used to be, who I'd have her be. I know that she took me for granted. I look at our time together and I see how it turned me into the sensitive nice guy that gets walked on. And I *hate* those guys. I imagine running into her in the stores, at a time when people should be able to gracefully say goodbye to each other after the intensity is gone, and it feels like the opposite. I imagine saying things like, "It hasn't aged well. I see more each day how much you used me. I know you see things symbolically. You probably saw me leaving you as a sign. A challenge for you to overcome, to become stronger from. Some sort of gift from the universe. Forgiving yourself was probably therapeutic for you. And you probably felt closure from that. But the thing is, you treated me badly. The forgiveness you gave yourself is irrelevant. It hurt me. You did permanent damage to me, and that won't ever change. You do not have my permission to forget about that. Now get the fuck away from me." And I'd probably cry, and I'd want her to hold me and I'd want her to get soft, like she always would when I was at my most vulnerable. And it would feel good and healing somehow, and it would make me think that something had changed. But I know I'd be wrong. Nothing would change. I don't know how to get over the last of this.
I think im addicted to porn... it pretty much consumes most my free time... and YES i have a girlfriend and we sex it up almost everyday, sometimes twice a day, but I still enjoy watchin porn... someone out there please tell me im not alone or if someone has some advice on what can help me out. oh and please dont bother saying "find jesus or god" or some smart ass comment.... even tho I kno there will be some....
My dear good friend Catherina has been seeing this jerk Joey who has been married for the past 11yrs with a good wife and a Ten year old son. Well to be honest I really feel sorry for his wife.It's not fair giving all her good years to this mother fucking husband who is a fucking jerk that sounds like he has something stuck up his nose.My advice to all those married women out there is to be aware of friends like this i keep her close to me but not close to my husband!!!Hell no not after seeing all the things she does to keep this man she even goes to a Santera doing some voodoo crap.I tell her not too.She has a kid who she really does not care for at all.All she does is go out with this married man and leaves her kid with her family which she talks so much bad stuff about.The most upsetting part is that she is taking her anger on her kid because joey is now seeing her less.She really want him to leave his wife for her.I her chill out girl you wanted to be second dish plate well really by now she mostly likely gone down all the way to 3rd place.I think he has another woman in his life well men like that get bored after so many years.Eight years they been doing this.Well to all those married women out there when your husband said's i'm staying late at work or staying with my parents or have to go out of town with a client please open your eyes. Once in awhile check them out surprise them with a lunch at there work.Be good to your man in bed too role play if they want. Please don't try to be Virgin Mary unless if that's what your husband likes.Well hope everything works out.And for anyone that thinks i might be jealous i'm really not.I think you can have fun but without hurting anyone or trying to break up a family.And yes this is all going on in NYC.
I work myself to the point of exhaustion where I work. I come in early everyday, keep to myself, and do what I am supposed to do. I have to go to training hours each year to keep my job and I even do that without a fuss. My boss on the other hand has "favorties". She doesn't think twice about making rounds in the mornings to say "good morning" to her other employees except for one person in particular.....whom in which she gossips with, talks about other employees with, and does special favors for ....such as "cheating" and giving this person the credit hours she needs to avoid having to go to classes like the rest of us. So unfair! Anytime any of us others tries to hold a simple conversation with our boss....she is sarcastic, rude, and comes back with cutting remarks. She constantly makes comments about how much more money she makes than the previous boss we had before her. What do you do with a person like her? Her children are just like her...very snobby, rude, and mean. What do you do? Even our committee at work has noticed her attitude but they don't know how to go about getting rid of her.......Oh and forget telling her something that is supposed to be private......she runs and shares it with her "favorite employee"......I have heard things come back to me that she has blabbed!.......She won't hire black people because she says she doesn't want any problems!!!!! What can I do without risking my job?
I'm sick of Fred Goldman's whiny ass crap. He should give me my money back. Goddam hebe.
Brian was my first husband. I loved him so much. We were young and he was more into his pot than me. We split, divorced, tried to get back together a few times, but it just didn't work. I am currently married, for the last 10 years. I think about Brian all the time. I have tried on several occasions to find out where he ended up. I am in another state, another time zone, and a million miles away (it seems) He will always be my first love. I don't want to do anything but make sure he is ok. Closure I guess. Peace of mind, whatever. I do want him to know I am truly sorry we ended the way we did. We both knew ending it was for the best, but I loved him so much!!! I wish I knew he was happy, off drugs, turned his life around, all the above. I wnat him to know I loved him. For now, I will keep trying to find out what happened to him so I can get the peace of mind I need.
Now before most of you come up with the conclusion in your head that this guy is a pot head, believe it or not i am not. The point of this message to clear some ignorance and rumors about Marijuana. Something that has recently been stirring around in my mind for awhile is why marijuana is illegal today. Many of you may think that it is because it is dangerous, causes crime, and leads people to ruin their lives. This has been the common thought in society for only about 100 years starting in 1900s especially in the USA. The truth is that marijuana has been around and USED for over THOUSANDS of years, even before Christ. Evidence shows that marijuana has NEVER ruined a society which is quite the opposite of what the media and government wants you to think. The hemp that created from marijuana can be made into many matierials such as rope, clothing , ect. In world War II in order for the USA to keep up with the resources for the war marijuana was grown for its materials. To know something even more ironic would be to say that America would have never been found if it wasnt for the sails on Columbus's ships which were made of hemp. In the Colonial days it was a law that you "HAD to grow" Cannibis for its resources. Now it makes you ask why it was made illegal in the first place in the early 1900s. It had nothing to do with the drug at all really. Marijuana was used as a tool to help stop the mexicans from immigrating to the USA because at the time, "WEED" was considered a South American drug. There were other incidents too around the time but basically Marijuana was shown to the court that it was as dangerous as say in "Modern Times" as bad as cocaine or meth when it is NOT even close to the truth. I have smoked enough that i could still count them all on ten fingers. I was born and raised in a strict Catholic family and taught that all illegal drugs were bad including weed BECAUSE IT WAS ILLEGAL. After my experience and research i have found that there is "NO clear TRUE scientific evidence to prove that weed is harmful to society." Weed is actually the safest drug out there physically and "possibly" mentally. It is not physically addictive meaning you wont suffer the severe withdrawls that you would get from cigarettes, alchohol, or any other addictive drug. It makes people peaceful unlike alchohol which provokes people to fight. The only reason for any body to see it to be harmful is somebody that abuses marijuana and doesnt know how to moderate. Everything in the world has to be taken in moderation. For example if you ate too many strawberriers because you couldnt stop you can eat yourself to death. Thats far-fetched i know but im just showing that everything has a time and place to be used and should be taken in moderation. Pot has been looked down on because of Weed abusers who mess there lives up getting high instead of doing something with a higher priority. the same thing can happen with alchohol but with worse consequences. A pothead is the same thing as an alcholic except a pothead is only mentally addicted and in less danger. SO in moderation and in the right times whether after work at the end of the day or end of the week when there is nothing else to do but relax then marijuana is fine and perfectly safe thing to use. The BIGGEST and WORST danger that marijuana holds is that it is ILLEGAL. People are thrown in jail for such minor reasons such as possesion of weed. I believe too much time and money is being spent on catching somebody commiting a "VICTIMLESS" crime while there are killers and rapists out there that need to be caught instead. Ultimately in the end, regardless that i think weed should be legal, I do not think the government should be able to tell me what i can do with my own body. Thanks for reading all that and I hope i have intrigued you enough to do some research of your own on this topic.
Its all bollocks at the end of the day. You talked and talked and it was all crap, you are quite the actor though it has to be said it really seemed like you were interested for a very short time at least. If you have nothing else going for you theres that. But then i have done everything i said i would and you got your shag so you got what you wanted. Talk about being straight and honest, whatever. You were neither and you know it. Thing is i was blinded and i know thats the case. I thought we had something but nope. You talked about the guy you were with when we met but really it was all about the next one wasn't it. I knew i was fucked so long ago whatever you say it was so obvious. I don't really fancy the idea of joining your long list of 'friends'. I think i'd be just as happy to head off now and forget the whole sorry heap of crap. The funny thing is you did my head in i am not even sure what the fuck i was thinking of. You were so stroppy and self centered, it was always someone elses fault and you were always the one that was hard done by- i'd love to hear the story about me that you come up with, i'm sure you'll believe it as much as your mates do but it will probably only just touch on reality if at all. I not even sure who finished it as such but one things for sure i wouldn't have put up with much more of your prima donna crap. I feel very sorry for the bloke who thinks your with him, because i doubt some of your stories about him now. I wonder how many times you have cheated on him now? I tried thats for sure, so much so that i still was when you decided that you couldn't keep up the pretense anymore. Truth is i was forever paranoid because i knew what was going on so i was never all the way 'in' myself. Never had a chance. If you had put even a little effort into it though it might have gone somewhere. I trusted you- what a waste that was. Never mind lesson learned. worst of all i was just as bad to someone else who didn't deserve it and so i'm a hypocrite and am really only getting what i deserve for being so fucking shallow.
The open shades invite wandering eyes to drink and categorize and explain. Or just simply appreciate. It's a plain scene, yet unique across space and time. It could be captured by a camera, but there's something unsatisfyingly interfering about having to miss now in order to capture it. And you know it's not really the same on media as it would have been for real. So it's better to just look and let the photons take hold of the wheel and drive thoughts this way and that. And that's exactly what's going to happen beginning next paragraph. Well, maybe not. First I should explain that by virtue of the typing class I took in high school many decades ago, I can type quickly and accurately without having to look at either fingers or screen. So my head remains cocked off to the right, leaning at an indescribable angle against my office chair. I'm slouching, but learned a few years after that typing class that poor posture is better for my back than good. So it's okay. I mean it. What we have, here, is a failure to describe. So it's time to get going with that before the office chair equivalent of bed bugs bite. Even if they don't bite, they might run around on my skin in ways that derail the typing process. And that would suck for this little anonymous engine that could. And will. Right now, I say. Without further doodoo. There's a dark green pickup truck, a few SUV's and minivans (do they still make minivans? funny how irrelevant they seem when you no longer have young children). And a sedan or two, or three. I'm sure they matter a lot to their owners. I think they belong to people who work around here. But that thought evaporates in the presence of the realization that what I was taking to be a parking lot is actually a road. And I even knew it was a road (most of the time, anyway). But the way the window crops the scene, it's very easy to conclude it isn't a road. But what tipped me off was the way a car passed through it, in so very not a "I'm in a parking lot" kind of way. Okay, a woman in a black dress appears out of nowhere (actually, out of the left side of the window frame), and gets into a black sedan. Looks like a Toyota of some kind. She turned her headlights on, even though it's mostly sunny today. She was kind of attractive, but somewhat chunky. And with one of those somewhat "shaved up in back and on the sides" kinds of hair styles that I spent decades associating with an attitude that I never wanted to have to personally endure. Some kind of combination of anger for not being beautiful in the popular sense, and an attempt to make do with being plain. I imagine that sort of frustration driving all kinds of passive aggression, toward both men and hotties alike. So, anyway, there's one less vehicle. The trees aren't anything to write home about. But since you're not my home, I'll do so anyway. Part of one heading into view from the upper left is, well, I've never really known what kind of tree such a leaf belongs to. Eye-shaped, basically. And they seem to push up and out from the branch, reminiscent of newspaper cornstalks I made as a kid. Farther off is about 2/3rds of some other not overly-well-filled-in tree. It's shape is very distantly that of Big Bird. I'd guess its trunk to be about a foot and a half wide. But we're talking a distance of about a tenth of a mile, so I'm not going to swear by that estimate. That doesn't mean it's not an infinitely more accurate estimate than a typical building contractor could give you, much to your future economic detriment. Some tiny, frail little thing has leaves only near the top, representing about 10% of the total tree. Poor thing. It has been dry here, this summer. But it's across the street on business property. The last thing I need is to get arrested - or, worse yet, mess with my credit rating - to save a tree. The top of one I imagine to be of similar species (?) is on this side of the street, much closer. The leaves are mostly light green, with some yellowing, and a few brown. Maybe I'll save that one, although it's actually the landlord's responsibility. Why isn't my rent money saving plant lives, the way it should? There are evergreenish bushes in the forefront, as well as peeking out from around the corner of the building of the business upon which sits the aforementioned dying tree. If only that tree could borrow some vitality from those bushes. I mean, the latter even survived a hedge trimming. Isn't that like getting your head cut off? But they're fine, like crabs growing back their claws. Oh, wait a second. There is another tree. Amazing how much fills a window scene. It's towering over the business building. I mean, it's way up there. The business in that building, by the way, is some kind of a medical facility (clinic?), specializing in the heart, but not the one that breaks when the girl you want to hold and tickle so badly as a kid clearly likes someone more than you, and you're still to young to realize that everything you're reading into her as a person and - God, PLEASE! - as someone you might spend All Of Eternity with, is really nothing more than species tom-foolery to promulgate itself, your own personal ambitions and dreams be damned. And by "damned" you know I mean something far worse, but I really don't have time to go into the details, especially since you already know them. There's a lot more in the scene, of course. Too many windows to describe. Reflections. The sky is now dominated by clouds, but there's a nifty blue patch fitting nicely between some power lines. Awnings. Some kind of root antenna. Oh, well, that's about it. Sheesh, now the sky is a solid 80% blue. Time flies when pent up sexual energy for your girlfriend being away from home for the day starts shaking your tree. Yep, yet another tree. No leaves, but an endless supply of sap. And plenty of bark, especially when human beings accomplished near proximity stupidity on the road.
There was once a whore named Meghan. Who just turned 30yrs old.She was very lonley so she went after every single and married men who did not want her.Every day i would looked at her across the room.I felt so sorry for her.Poor thing comes from a very rich family so much money and no happiness.I guess that's what happens to whores. The End
It's not a trick question. It's a fearful moment of hesistation just before seeing what there is (or isn't) to be seen when looking deeply into the notion of personhood. It's liberating if accompanied by an absence of a need for a person to be conceiving it. But in demanding there be such a person to conceive it, it becomes an insatiable gnawing, even worse than wishing the alleged person within the body of a woman whose ass begs to singlehandedly restock the entire species several times over, is somehow not a typical dolt addicted to shoes. These things are difficult, indeed.
I will be getting married soon to a wonderful woman. This wonderful woman has a very cute friend...who seems to be open minded. I know that neither of them are attracted to women in THAT way but both have done things with other women previously. A matter of months ago they went to a romantic destination wedding and took a bath together. They didn't do anything romantic together but when I heard about it I went crazy with excitment. Just hearing that they are that comfortble with each other was a shock to me but they don't seem to think anything about it. I have even over heard them talking about making out with each other (I know the tone of their voices well enough to know that they were half joking but more serious). Being a guy I have always enjoyed a little GoG (Girl-on-Girl) and I wouldn't be jelous at all (if I were in her shoes I might be though). Moreover, it has always been a fantasy of mine to have a threesome; I have had more than a few dreams about the two of them and/or the three of us. The friend likes to come over and stay the night whenever she can but usually sleeps in another room. When she does come over I offer to let her take my spot in the bed beside my fiance hoping that something might get started or happen. I can't bring it up too often (the bath episode) because my fiance gets does get jelous. We have had conversations about GoG and I don't think she ever quite understands how big of a fantasy this is for me. I know that if I saw them make out I would want see more and want them to go further but I also don't think that I should let it consume my mind. Should I just let it go and try not to think about it? Should I stand back and hope that things progress? Does anyone have any advice as to how I can subtly get the ball rolling? Is anyone having a similar issue or am I alone? What do you think, world?
The person I have considered my best friend for the past year has expressed on multiple occasions that it is frustrating to him that I have not had a "life altering experience" like he has. He lost his father three years ago. Whenever he has emotional issues or anything he does not come to me because he feels that a) I don't understand and b) I get sick of him complaining about the same thing. When I vent about my friends and how much they affect me, he tells me to suck it up and appreciate life. I realize that I have not lost someone close to me, but I have had my fair share of my own shaping experiences. Whenever I try and tell him this we get into a "who has it worse" arguement. I never want to say that he has had no reason to battle depression, but I want him to acknowledge that I have constant feelings of worthlessness myself. I want him to respect the fact that not being able to keep close friends close for more than a year feels to me like I am constantly losing people close to me. Recently I have had several people come up to me and tell me about how people I considered my friends dislike me, are annoyed of me, or straight up hate me. My best friend is far from excluded in this. One of our mutual friends told me that my best friend has been avoiding me. I got this feeling from him but did not want to say anything and be paranoid. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and now I feel as though I have lost another friend. We used to see each other everyday (as of a month ago). And now I have to ask him how his week has been. I tried to visit him but he desperately found a way out of it which I was told by a third party. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should confront him and cause him more stress than he is already going through. I feel that the worst part is that I know he is struggling with personal things and he is not telling anyone about it. He is just bottling it up inside and I worry about him. I want him to tell me. I want him to come to me. I can't say that because that will make me clingy and annoying like he now apparently thinks that I am. My so-called perfect life is falling apart because my rock that I have counted on through my own depression is being ripped out from under me. I know I have not lost anyone to death, but I am losing someone regardless.
i am a pretty girl... a little bit above average, i have a good body and i jus wanna try it. the only thing is my boyfriend would kill me... literally. also i have children and wouldnt want them expopsed to thaty life style. i do wanna try it. i can dance really well and i enjoy shaking my ass
.........is an idiot. The wanker fancies him self a villian. He 'worked' a couple of capers for these shady types and thinks that makes him mafioso. He's nothing but a mule who is going to be a fall guy and pull her into the dregs with him. They don't want him in they're outfit but now he feels all puffed up and full of himself. I want him to be knocked down a peg or two but if that happens, she'll no doubt be ass out as well.
on the plane So, occasionally, I get an invitation to L.A. I hate L.A. Every person I’ve ever met from L.A. seems like they just got dropped off from the Mother Ship . And they have fake everything. Smiles, tans, names, jobs, feelings…whatever. Actually, whenever I visit L.A. I spend most of my time on my back or my knees, so not much sight-seeing going on there… Chris was the first guy I really feel in love with. My first Big Daddy. I don’t really wanna go into it, but let’s just say I was fucked up for a while afterward. He was also the one that really broke my kink cherry. After a brief vacation chasing each other down the streets of New Orleans throwing each other onto the hoods of cars and fucking in back alleys, we came home and blurted out some nonsense about being in love and shacked up. I moved in and became...a housewife. I got up in the morning and made him a little breakfast, fed our cats, then went to gym to work out every day. I worked out for about 3 hours. Then went home made lunch, called Chris to come up from the office and eat.Then dinner and hospital corners on all the beds, and every surface spic and span. I would walk around naked and serve his strictly meatless meal. He was health obsessed. So, then, was I. We worked out a lot together. We popped horse-sized vitamins. I snuck cigarettes. I watched everything I did. I used to think he was the biggest cock there was…in every sense of the word. He was probably the hottest guy I had ever been with; physically massive. A hulk of a man with ham hock fists and a cromagnum head. Ex-marine vegetarian(?). Registered bad-ass.Pure Alpha male. He had a reputation for knocking out someone with one punch. He told me once he had perfected this in the service because he really couldn’t fight as well as he let on. He said it was easier to end it in one slug. After we broke up a year later, I would find this reputation to be crippling to my dating career. We lived in an incestuous little Midwestern town. All of Chris’ friends had grown up together and still were hanging out together. Most suspected he was the type of guy to sleep with a piece under his pillow or knew he did because he had shown her how to use it in case “anything happens”. He was the defined leader with weekly poker games and weekends peeling away from countless bar fights. I of course, content to play the moll. I can’t remember what the first act was that made me feel comfortable with what has become my fluidity in the freakier things in life. Was it getting tied up for the first time? No, surely I had played around with a tie or two before Chris. I think it must have been the act of him leaving me while I was tied up that did it. He would hog tie me with my mouth gagged, then turn off the lights and go out for the evening. Some times he would kiss me before he left. In any case, it was a relationship that never fell flaccid. Tens years. We have been fucking off and on for the majority of it…actually it is the longest relationship, dare I say friendship, I’ve ever had. I used to think all we had between us was sex. Certainly it is the glue. So, because of our close friendship we are able to enjoy each other. Fully. Even if only for a long weekend. I mean, who would pass up a free vacation to catch up with an old friend? And work out a few kinks? Hmmmm. He was a benevolent king and I’ve often felt like I was one his favorite subjects. Or at least like that was the most I was ever gonna get outta him. But, as I said, he is a generous king and when he rolled up to LAX in his (insert vintage hot rod), he welcomed me with a sly grin and said he couldn’t wait to show me my present. Or rather he couldn’t wait to use my present. It’s really delicious when you can slip right into that leather glove with someone. After so much time has passed and within a few minutes you have that bead of sweat rolling down the small of your back and a slow sizzling heat caressing the nape of your neck making your cheeks blush. All I ever want to do with in minutes of leaving the airport is rub his cock. It’s like I’m shaking his cock “Hello”. We apparently had a fun filled weekend planned including hiking the California mountains, a road trip to Vegas, and a double date. And my present? A custom made swing and toy room. Did I mention Chris could build anything? Such a handy guy. I used to hang upside down from the jungle gym as a tot, and I remember getting turned on by it. I guess I must have mentioned it in passing and that’s when the blueprints went into development. Sturdy and easy to use, convenient and readily concealed if necessary., the swing was everything I ever could have asked Santa for on my Christmas list. Also(a true feat) was a glory wall. That’s right. A sort of reversed glory hole. Self service at it’s finest. The room itself was like HQ. Equipped with hidden closets containing crops, gags and blindfolds. A close circuit TV monitored the entry driveway leading to the garage/den, and there were scattered screens full of porn. A Glock, a double barrel shot gun, revolver and several knives were stashed about as well. Ah…all the trappings of a love nest. Although the hiking was on the up and up, I was pretty sure the trip and double date were not.
I just wanted to say thanks to all my friends for sticking by my side right now. Even though I am currently going through a hard time and have made some major mistakes in like last few days SOME of you guys know and understand and are helping me bring it all back together....and Mindy, you where one of my best friends and to know that you wont stay by my side when I need you the most, to know that you wont be there to talk to, not be there to dry my tears that I cry daily. Really hurts! Just remember that someday you will need me like I needed you and I WILL be there for you even if you weren’t there for me...now how does that make you feel?...just think how I feel about this...maybe then you’ll understand a few things and then come to know that I need help from you guys...its not easy... ...I pray that anyone who has made stupid mistakes that involve alcohol and guys (HINT HINT) will learn from those mistakes, live life day to day, and try to keep a good name, work hard to get it back, because once its completely gone you will never get it back. If you have friends that always stuck by your side, you are very lucky, because I didn’t even have that. cherish your friends and think before you act... ....if you would like to say anything back add a new quote on shout-outs...I will leave a new one after that.... ...thanks for all those who care, and god bless.
there not she's too quiet and serious for him and i wouldn't of thought he was the type to be tied down like that and when it ends, well be the ones to get the fallout
Anybody go there on here? If you do then comment and tell me what our classmates label you as. jock? goth? nerd? go on no one will know
June 10, 2008 So, I went on this dating website…it’s supposed to be where all the clever 30-somethings go… So I decided to try to have a decent relationship with a respectable boy and just happened to have had a professional photo shoot(?!) that bore really hot pics…so I swallowed some pride(def no t may favorite thing to swallow) and put up a page. Online dating is …well …weird. I’ve gotten over the stigma, I think, but it’s still a weird way to initially meet people. After a few dates, I forget. Most of the time. So…I met this guy…and not really that “wowed” at first site, to be honest,but fun none the less. Our online courtship was titillating. SO clever. The best way to get into my panties is to make me laugh. And then make me feel like you might be slightly smarter than me. Maybe even put me in awe of your quietly cocky coolness. (Sexy nerd?) And have sleeves. Then I get kinda moist. Kinda really moist. Mmmmm. So, anyway, I met this guy. And it was great. And there was chemistry. And we had a great time. And then there was nothing. I found myself chasing his flirts, and wondering why he deleted his account. So, I decided that I was liking him too much and starting to get that nauseous feeling I get when I think I might actually start wanting to be with someone for real, and erased his phone number. I can’t deal with it…it freaks me out a little, I think. Turn it off. I’m really good at turning off. I told my Uncle James about my Dad finally. It just came out. Now he calls me in the middle of the night because he’s so upset he can’t sleep. I don’t answer. I should try to call him this week. I guess.
i'm fed up with my spouse not taking responsibility for anything. i'm fed up that he never takes the initiative to do those everyday things that must be done to keep a house clean or a relationship moving forward. i'm fed up with my client who is also my friend. i'm fed up with being the only person who expects more from myself and more from others than the requisite. i'm fed up with people giving so little and expecting so much. i'm fed up with myself for allowing myself to believe in the judgments others made about me. i'm fed up with trying to blend in, in an effort to make friends. i'm fed up with worrying where i may end up if i conquer my personal demons and achieve professional success. i'm fed up with worrying about what others will think of me if i cast aside social propriety and unleash my true self whose thirst to be the best is unquenchable. i'm fed up with doubt. i'm fed up with self-loathing. i'm fed up with all of it.
God, i have so much on my mind. okay, so this totally annomous right? Here goes. 1. I pretty much hate my body. i hate the way i look in the mirror, hate the way no guy ever looks at me, i hate the way no clothes look good on me, i hate even the little things, like my chubby fingers and the dark circles under my eyes. 2. I feel really alone. Okay, i only have 3 close friends that live near me. Thats it. i am so lame. and you know what, 1 of those friends moved, and now she smokes alot and i dred being around her because i dont smoke and she makes me feel like im not cool enough to be in her little group of friends. so really, i only have 2 good friends. 1 is a mess. honnestly. shes like an emotional roller coaster all the time, and sometimes i just cant deal with that. the other is perfect. she is good in every sport, exremley beautiful and very very smart. she is my best friend, but when im with her i feel like second best. 3. I know this is lame, but i have no self control. i keep telling myself today i will stop eating all this food, and be healthier, but i can never ever ever keep that promise. I have no control over food, and it seems like i will never get control. that bugs me the most. 4. There is this guy. He's a total douchbag. really. and i cant stop thinking about him. We have this weird relationship, and i wish i could just let him go. just totally forget he exists. but i cant. being around him makes me feel good, like someone actually wants me. I listen to Gravity By Sara Bareilles. it explains the relationship perfectly. 5. ive been taking some pain killers latley. i know its bad and blah blah blah, but sometimes i just need them. 6. today is the day that i start new. and im so ready.
This is the first time I have ever attempted to blog and to be honest I feel a bit embarrassed about the whole thing. Everything is a mess, SHE is always on my mind, I cannot sleep, staring at the walls. I have entered a new state of low, Sometimes I feel like there is nothing worth worrying about. There's a certain ambiguity here, what I mean by that is "oh it's not that bad, I can deal with it" but most of the time it's more like "What is the point, what is it all for". This is not all steming from what I mentioned above, I've been feeling like this for years but it has a great deal to do with how I feel right now. I know it wasn't good for me, but you never realise that because your view is always clouded, walking around like a confused loved up puppy. Friends seem a bit distant as of late and I fear this is as a result of my change of attitude. How do I get back to the way things were or something resemling it. pills mellow me, the anger subsides but I feel like a shell of myself. This all sounds so cliché but honestly this is how I see it. Money and general progression in life are getting quickly becoming a chore, would more money help me feel better? Would a sense of achievement give me that much needed self-confidence boost? Maybe I'm talking utter rubbish, but I will let you be the judge of that. Someone shed some light on how my problems can be tackled. I can't think of anything more right now, mostly because I am so tired, until next time.
I am one of those that need to be frugal for daily survival: My insurance coverage ran out on my meds and I was shopping for my meds via phone & here's what I did. I went to google maps and looked up my area and googled for health service businesses in that area... Then, I called each one of those prescription shops and asked them what their prices were for this drug. Local Pharmacy price: ~$140/- Another local Rx: ~$157/- Walmart Rx: $160-170/- Kmart Rx: $190-210/- Walgreens Rx: $190-210/- RiteAid Rx: $200-220/- I kept getting surprised because I called them in about this order!!! Walmart surprisingly couldn't beat the ma & pa store that would save me approximately $25/- Over that, thinking of eckerd (riteaid), walgreens, kmart etc..I kept thinking I would be getting a better deal..for a few reasons -economy is weak so you would think that sommeone would be able to get cheaper prices from such places to lure customers there.... but then again I guess the question is if they have a few customers for such drugs paying upto $60 bucks more then, does it really overall help them to maintain such a high margin of profit? (There is also the other possibility that their supplier charges them higher...but in the same town? - damn!). Thinking further, Pharmacies have with and without insurance prices~~~~!!!!!! - WHAT GIVE$???? The w/ insurance prices are more!!! WTF? So here's the thing, let's say you have a $1000/- limit on your insurance for prescription drug coverage: And you choose to buy from Eckerd which is charging upto $220/ for the drug without insurance so let's raise the markup by $30/- and make the price of the drug $250/- Then, you go through 4 months (4months * $250 = $1000/-) where the insurance pays for you and THEN you're LEFT on your own for a $220 medication (if bought from eckerd for the next 6 MONTHS). Also, the insurance is mandated for me by the organization, it's NOT my CHOICE! Just a rant! - so don't throw me advice on getting it changed...I'm getting done with this organization so I know I have to fend for myself anyway!
There is no real drama - it just really pissed me off that she has been talking about how she has a blog but wont tell me the site of it because she dosent want me to know about it - saying its personal and im not in it - she has been talking about it for a year and I just got off the phone and she told me that she has told this other girl about it - I didnt even want to see my friends blog - i just watned to know what the damn site was - and she has just met this girl who she works with - and tells her. Fucked up.
Ok...this is my first time doing this and I just need to get this stuff outta my system cause I don't know who to turn to right now. My Mom passed 7mon,13days ago. I haven't gone a day without thinking about her and cying. Why? Why did they have to take her away? She was all I had. I never see my father and I am an only child. She was everything to me. God it hurts so bad. I would give anything to have her back. So many times I have asked myself, "Why couldn't it have been me?" I have 2 kids of my own and it hurts to know they don't have their grandma anymore. My oldest was 3 when she passed and it's like will he remember her when he gets older? Will he know how much she adored him and that she would've done anything in this world for him? It's just not fair!!!! I see my Aunts and Uncle with their grandkids and think about how the grandkids get to see their grandparents all the time and I feel so jealous and depressed. I'm just so hurt and confused. Why? Why couldn't it have been me instead? I would give my life to have her here with my kids instead of me. I just don't know what to do anymore or who to turn too. I feel like I am loosing it at times. Especially when people tell me, "Well everything happens for a reason...." and "God has a purpose for everything". I am so sick of hearing that it's not even funny. I want to see them have their oldest be diagnosed with cancer then their mom 5mon later, then loose her a month after that! They wouldn't be singing that same damn song if they had to go through all of this. Well, that's it ...........
I'm a little upset. I work at a large school as one of a team of computer programmers dedicated to providing software solutions to help administer the school. We started out with a mainframe/dumb terminal system for handling student information (like grades, etc.) and in the late 1980's, early 1990's moved to client/server architecture with an in-house developed system in a modern Windows-based programming language. Over many years we fine-tuned the system to the business nuances of our school, making it synchronize with purchased software used in other areas. We were early adopters of the web, and were one of the first schools in our area to offer internet access and a website for students to see their grades and update their contact information online. As time passed we kept enhancing our systems and upgrading them to match the latest technology as well as developing several peripheral applications to help make everyone's job easier. We kept up with changes to the business and most user requests for minor upgrades had turnaround times of a few hours (or less). We had, by far, one of the most impressive, integrated, bleeding-edge technological infrastructures in the world of education. The staff and faculty were happy and the students were happy. Life was good, but it was not to last. Out of the blue the political attitude towards our work started to change. There were rumors of upper-management talking about purchasing a system to replace the existing in-house software (rumors which were vehemently denied). A committee which had originally been formed to prioritize and direct software updates and projects started outright preventing us from adding new functionality to the system. All of this seemed to stem from one individual who had quietly moved up the ranks of management from a low-level, non technical position. This person (we'll call him Charles) started making bold pronouncements that the in-house software "didn't work" and that we should purchase "ERP" (enterprise resource planning) software, specifically naming a certain company and their flagship product. Nobody seemed to challenge Charles' assertions that our software was lacking in functionality, and a few other managers started parroting Charles' statements. We requested clarification as to how our system was lacking in functionality but these went unaddressed. Instead, we were promised that an official analysis of our system's shortcomings would be done and that this analysis would be used to determine whether or not we would "build" (which we had been doing all along) or buy. The analysis never happened. Charles hired a systems analyst who was placed in our area and was charged with spending a year doing research and deciding whether or not we should build or buy. This analyst phoned many different ERP companies (including the one that Charles asked for by name) and became intimately familiar with our system, along with all the peripheral systems we had developed and the tight integration we had with other purchased products. In the end he concluded that based on the cost of the most popular ERPs (we're talking in the millions of dollars plus yearly license fees) that it was better economically and business-wise to continue to build on the existing system. When the analyst presented his report, Charles read the conclusion and threw it back to him, saying "change it to recommend buying the ERP that I want". The analyst refused to fudge the conclusion and at the next budget cycle our department had to apparently trim a lot and eliminated his position (they couldn't outright fire him because we're a union shop). As it became apparent that our hard work (that we were very proud of) was at risk we tried to make as many improvements as we could in order to show its worthiness. I did the research and created a working prototype to add some functionality that students had been asking for over the past few years, but when the committee learned what I had done they yelled at my boss for doing research and development without their consent. When I was training users on a new application I wrote I warned them that there were plans to buy a system and that if they liked my work they should let their managers know (as a purchased system would certainly replace my work). For that, I was invited to a special "coffee" with one of the higher-ranking managers (essentially I was called to task) who told me that it was inappropriate to warn the users, as management had plans to lead them down a particular path. If I were better at on-the-spot arguments I would have questioned management's true motives and goals and given them a hard time, but I didn't. Eventually, the school decided that it would buy a product to replace the entire suite of software systems (both third party and in-house) with a purchased ERP. They put out an RFP (request for proposals) for people to bid on. The RFP was secret, but our boss leaked a copy to us. It specifically forbade any employees from putting in a bid (thus preventing us from offering an alternative) and had phraseology and feature requests that only one company could respond positively to; the one that Charles had been pushing for. Vendor demos were given (a formality, really) and while some programmers were invited, their opinion or recommendations had no weight. My colleagues had to sit through demos where Charles and the sycophants sucking up to him tittered and fawned like schoolgirls over demonstrated features that were already present in our in-house software. After the RFP process, it was decided, unsurprisingly, to purchase the ERP that Charles had been pushing for since day one. When the time came to sign the contract, however, no one in upper management was willing to sign it (most likely because if it went bad they would look bad). The software company played the whole "if you don't sign it by midnight on Friday you won't qualify for these deals and discounts we've offered you in our bid" and eventually two managers were forced to sign off on it. What did we get? Well, for the low price of four and a half million dollars we bought twenty-year-old software with unfixed bugs from the 1980's in it (no lies; I've seen their technical documentation). Their "database" back end was SQL Server using over four thousand (yes, I said 4000) tables as flat-file storage (there were no foreign keys and only a couple of indexes). The actual server emulated an IBM operating system from the 1970's and communicated to clients via the telnet protocol. Staff had to learn convoluted mnemonics in order to access every screen. If two users try to go to the same screen to look at the same data at the same time one will lock the other one out. To replace our state-of-the-art web site for students to see their grades (etc.), the ERP provided a Java-based web server (running on top of IIS on Windows Server) that had a look-and-feel of a 1998 website. Like the dumb terminals, this web server creates a telnet session to mainframe emulator. If you're someone knowledgeable in Information Technology you'll understand when I say how thoroughly disgusted I was (and still am) by it all. To make matters worse, since this was a project driven by Charles (and not our technology group), we were told that our opinions did not matter, and that this project could not fail. Staff were explicitly told that they were not allowed to say anything bad about the new system. Faculty and student complaints about the poor quality of the new system were ignored. It took three years to get all the parts of this big pile of crap to actually work somewhat and yet the production server crashes frequently, versus the almost 100% uptime we had with the old system. Additional staff had to be hired to do data entry for the conversion portion of the project, because the emulated mainframe managed all primary keys by itself (rather than letting SQL server do it), eliminating our ability to using straight SQL to insert legacy data into the tables. With all the problems we've had and bugs we've encountered, we've spent thousands more on service calls to the company. In three year's time we've moved about 20 years backwards in technology, security and reliability. In those three years, we could have re-written the entire system from the ground up and it would have worked and been exactly what the users needed. It would have been a lot cheaper, too. There are other things about this "project" that have angered me: Conversion of our human resource data (including our government tax numbers, bank account information, addresses, etc.) was handled by the ERP company and they took a copy of it back to their country to do the conversion. We have local privacy laws that would make such an action illegal and when I asked about it I was told not to bring it up again The ERP company has 24/7 access to our servers and all the data in them, from their foreign location We have agreed to be beta testers for new releases of the ERP. That's right, we paid them millions of dollars and in return we get to test and perform quality assurance on their garbage software for them so they can sell it for millions of dollars to other suckers Despite the declarations by management that the school would be changing its business practices to fit the software, they did an about-face when it was implemented and immediately forced us to start writing peripheral systems in order to make the new system work like the old one The programmers (myself included) were (and still are to this day) cut out of any of the decisions regarding deployment, implementation and coordination of this ERP and the systems that were not being replaced by it. The entire system administration was put in the hands of one individual who is not good at his job and compensates by lying and blaming everyone else and their dog for his inadequacies Users who have come to us to write systems to replace portions of the ERP that don't meet their needs have been chastised by upper management and are now afraid to speak to us. These are people who in the past had no problems talking to us about possible system enhancements Prior to the purchase of the ERP, school policy was that anyone who wanted software had to go through us first to see if we could develop a solution. Now the official policy is "buy before build" The solution the ERP administrator uses for the problems we've encountered with the product is to keep patching the system without any analysis or investigation into the problem (remember, the person in charge has no clue what he's doing) and to keep buying more modules from the ERP company to layer on top of it And the thing that really gets my goat…when we were being trained by the ERP company on how to "customize" their product, their own consultants looked at the incredible in-house system we had in place and asked "why did you buy our product?" So why do I think this happened? I have two theories. The first is that Charles and other managers had attended a few international conferences where other schools bragged of running ERP software and like kids who need to have Nike-brand shoes because the cool kids have them they decided they had to purchase a brand-name ERP just to fit in. The second and in my opinion, more likely explanation is that Charles was on the take. Predictably, Charles retired shortly after the conversion to the new system was complete. I won't be surprised if I see him working as a consultant for the ERP company in the near future. Either way, this decision was never in the best interest of the staff, faculty, students or the school as a whole. And since so much money was spent on it, we're locked into this terrible pile of cow dung for at least ten years. Most of the management who agreed to purchasing this will be gone long before then, and when the time comes to decide to build or buy again, I'm sure the ERP vendors will help the school make the "right" decision. Where I live, education institutions are primarily funded by the state. That means my tax dollars went to a foreign company for a 20-year-old product to replace bleeding-edge technology. They could have spent one million dollars on all our salaries (plus a few new hires) over three years and had something better, something homegrown, and the money would have been invested back into our economy. Now a foreign company has access to all our student information and records, not to mention our staff records and direct deposit (bank account) information. As a programmer, I am driven by the need to produce good solutions for my end users and am not keen on top-down management (especially in IT projects because it invariably fails). The fact that my fellow staff members are miserable and students are complaining makes me want even to help them even more. Yet the people involved with the ERP have branded me and the other programmers as essentially terrorists out to destroy the school and refuse to allow us to do our job. And a bunch of programmers not doing any work sure look like surplus employees who aren't really required. Can you see what I might be a little upset?
I have been dealing with Mr. Goddeau the past 2 years. I have received some of the products promised from him but it took a almost a year to receive the first item. The 2nd item came 3 to 4 months after the first. The line of communication with him has always been bad. But I must admit I can continue without him with the products I received from him. But I paid for other services and I have not received them so far. I will continue to pursue Mr. Goddeau one way or the other. I will pursue by leagl means or hopefully Mr. Goddeau will step to the plate and deliver the other sevices promised. I believe Mr Goddeaus' operation is a one man operation. And I believe he is in way over his head.
Intelligence will not help you understand stupidity. Sometimes I honestly can't believe what people are saying. It's like they're fucking with me.
Marcus Corwin apparently bungled his defense in case #502007CA000561 and is now being personally sued for malicious prosecution
I spend way too much time on the internet. Well, I actually don't think I do. I get on the computer for like 15 minutes here and there through out the day. That's nothing compared to the people who sit online and chat with all their friends and lurk myspace for hours. but the difference between them and myself is that.. they use their computer to talk to their friends and keep in touch and up to date on their personal life. when I'm on the computer I go straight to youtube. I know more about the lives of some people on youtube than I do about some of my actual real life friends. I think I have way more in common than these people who make vlogs and comedy sketches on youtube than I do with my actualy real life friends. I get their comedy. I laugh at their sarcastic jokes, they keep me entertained. Whenever I show one of my friend's a video of someone who cracked me up. They're like, "BORING! There's this video of a chimp dancing that's awesome." A chimp? A CHIMP? WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT A DANCING ANIMAL! Bllahhh. I wish I could teleport myself into the interenet and be friends with all these people. I'm so weird. OMg. OMGDFJLKDJ. I even deleted my myspace and deactivated my facebook so when I get on the internet I won't spend my time on there. I can watch videos instead. Because my friends can just talk to me through texts and phone.. right? Haha. "[02:05] : you DO watch youtube a lot"
Im fucked up. I think everyone is when you get down to it but no one really cares about anyone else's problems. Me included. I cheated on my wife many years ago and for some unknown reason she forgave me. I was surprised and thankfull and it was the greatest decision anyone else has made in my life. We have two son's whom i love more then life itself. Wich is actually the problem. Not the love for my son's but the lack of love for life. I had a semi rough childhood. It could have been worse. i wasnt molested didnt see any murders jor anything extreme. The worse thing my eyes remember aside from the nightly beatings at the hands of my mothers different boyfreinds was my grandfather bludgen my dog to death with a lead pipe. Around age 15 i developed the onset of axiety. Not to serious an issue. One year my cousin came to visit me and after he went back home and summer was over. I couldnt get to school early in the morning. I would vomit for about an hour before i could actually leave the house. My mom thought i was faking out of lazy ness. Finally agreed to take me to doctor who pushed on my stomach a couple of times and told me there was nothing wrong. At age seventeen i moved in with my sister due to some issue's i was having w/my moms current man. I was coming off a years history of cocain use wich had stemmed from marijuana wich had stemmed from drinking. I figured & still do think that one should try everything one wants to as long as they cant get into serious trouble for it. I'd rather get caugh high at sixteen then 25. Things tend to be a bit more serious. well i was off the cocain and weed just didnt do it for me. So i asked my brother in law to take me to rave so i could try extacy. I was young N dumb so the only place i connected with X was a rave. first time wasnt much. i stayed up a lil later than usual but it felt just like cocain. actually a mild version of cocain. The second time he said he had gotten some stuff that was gonna be really good. I might SEE THINGS and if i did not to worry just find him if i started trippen. GREATEST HIGH OF MY LIFE. i was the happiest i have ever been. Made tons of new freinds (for the night) then came the crash. WORST CRASH I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED. i sat down cuz i was tired and somehow to gay men started maken out Inches from my face. Im not homo-phobic but im also straight and i was as close i as i could be without being considered part of the session. but my body was so exhausted from 8 hours of non stop jumping/running/bouncing and any other movement i could do that i couldnt lift a finger. let alone my body to a different location. after that Anxiety really hit. Still not at its worst but at one point i was parked outside my girlfreinds house and was to "scared" to get out of the car. Scared of what i dont know. Then i cheated and that's when i hit rock bottom. unbelivable fear of godknowswhat overwhelmed me at random. Ive been on drugs ever since. Mainly paxil. Although it keeps my anxiety in check all its really doing locking my problem in a small room inside me. the knowledge of that room saddens me. ive begged god to kill me more times than i could count and even though i dont anymore (thanks paxil) i still think that im in that room ever second of every day begging to die. part of me wants do die even with the drugs. And the amount it would take to make that feeling go away would make a walking corpse anyway. Drugs dont work. Death does. I hope something else does to and i hope it comes around soon. Im 25 ive been half want ing to die since about 16 and although i dont wanna leave my family in that way if i dont find a solution to whatever my problem is then i'll have to answer my own prayers.
I wonder all the time if the way i act is me, or am i trying to fit to what people/society/friends think i am. On the surface im a friendly. out-going, bubbly person, people think im funny, i make them laugh. But inside im so insecure that im starting to really worry about myself. i think im fat - im a size 10. i feel ugly - but get constant attention. i dont feel like i understand people or they do me but i have plenty of friends.i want to get out there and enjoy my life, im only 18! but im finding it harder and harder to get myself even out the door!! i want people to understand me and like me for me, but how can that happen when i dont even know myslef, or what im about.
To: Janette Sadik-Khan, Commissioner Department of Transportation who only allows 150,yes ONLY 150 wor in the coplaint form on the net. What I going on GAIN on 2md AVENUE in Manhattan between 26th and 28th Streets. 3 years ago there were 20 street jackhammerings in less than 1 year (not including the major paving of 2nd avenue one TWO TIMES IN 2 YEARS. Now in the pat month 12 jackhammerings NOT COUNTING SIDEWALK WORK. SIDEWALK WORK like in front of "parc tower" s its taken SO FAR 8 day [so far] to fix a 15 foot by 20 foot area, 8!!!!!!!!! DAYS what took me as a construction worker 2 or 3 days but that i a private building matter. Presently this street crew on 2nd Ave jackhammering for 2 months. As they go on 26th and 2nd Ave in Manhattan jackhammer, then last wk again on the same area, then they jackhammed SUNDAY!!! from 9pm till 4am on 27th St and 2nd Ave , then today July 16th 2008 at 8pm begin jackhammering at 27th St. again then at 920pm began jackhammering on 26h St. Again what is going on, then lets see if like year go they place those metal plates in a manner that make tremendous noise and leave the plates there for a year. I am taping their actions as Ii find it very SUSPIUCIOUS and in time sending it to the state or federal gov't as last time the DOT did zero it was the state that help us.
He argues with me about scientific facts like I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. I've been through two years of chemistry, but he will insist that oxygen burns and the wax in a candle doesn't. He wouldn't believe me that according to studies, a PS3 uses more power than a refrigerator when playing games. He won't even debate these things or listen to me, it's like being stupid is his fucking religion. "I don't have to believe it" Yeah, you don't have to be smart either, but I wish you were. You know who you are. He probably won't read this, though. He won't even fucking look up those things he argues about, the Wikipedia says right there oxygen doesn't burn, fuels burn. But he won't even look at it, or take my word as a high school graduate. What you do with religion is your business, but you can't be a dumbass about science, fucktard. He used the unreliability of Wikipedia argument even though I told him I learned some of this in chemistry class and the PS3 conversation wasn't even on Wikipedia.
Episode 1 Dear Dr. .... Assalamu Alaykom I received the email below from an anonymous sender and was unable to determine source. i dont know if you have received it also so i thought that you should see it. i am not trusting it but want you to explain to me how someone would reach such an ugly conclusion. please assure me and my family that this is not true. i there is a rumor that you have sold the membership list of the masjid to the Syrian embassy or the mukhabarat. is this true/ is this is correct are you going to giv ethe money as a donation to the masjid? are you still a member of the baa th party? don't sell the masjid for pennies. pleeeeaaase! fi Aman-Illah M- Episode 2 ASA ..sister The latest series of anonymous emails, some are coming directly to individuals and others are emailed to groups of us could only be done shadowy, inferior and morally bankrupt individual (or Individuals) who thrive on Fitna and Fear. Sister, you have nothing to fear, I am very proud of Unity Center struggle and accomplishments, and In Sha Allah with everyones commitment, involvement and devotion, the center with its members will be model that shines the true color of our faith in North America, and no matter how high the light will shine the earth will continue to have have its Rodent. Episode 3. Agree with you, well said. My response to Ms. ... is that we are open to suggestions that help in continuous improvement. If Ms. .... has a reason to be concerned, please bring it forward. Otherwise, we should not lend credence to unsubstantiated rumors and innuendo. This would simply create division and would dissuade folks from volunteering their efforts in service of the Center and the community. No one ever said that we make no mistakes, to err is human, but perfection belongs only to the Divine. Any errors that we have made as an organization are simply part of our human fallibility and represent opportunitiews for growth ands improvement. I can assure Ms. .... that none of us has any nefarious objectives. There is no reason to doubt the integrity and sincerity of any member of our leadership team. No membership data are being sold to anyone, not even Wal-Mart! In fact, the Unity Center has had a long standing policy of not sharing our mailing list with anyone; this is a trust and we take that very seriously. I hope that this response assuage her concerns. Perhaps one can spread the word that we are open to hearing issues, concerns, suggestions or grievances. Nevertheless, we cannot help whispering ghosts or rustling leaves. why are you defending them without knowing ? do you REALLY know how whether the membership information are being sent anywhere? may be Walmart do not want your data but someone else does. i am demanding that you guys investigate this to assure me and everyone else that everything is clean. i am not assured at all!!! none of you answered my question. M Episode 4. Abu .... How do you know that my email is spreading Fitna? I am asking a question about a concern? a lot of people are asking about this so when i got the email i thought that i need to get to the source and ask the question. is this haram? why are you talking to me in this rude way? would you like it if someone wrote such a response to racha? just because i am not fro Hama and my husband is not a doctor or rich does not give you this right. you need to investigate this matter before the newspapers start doing so. the problem is that many of you are not men enough to take a criticism or a question form a woman. go show your manhood in defending Islam. Shame on you all. Episode 5 ASAK: lately there have been multiple anonymous emails attacking some of our board members including myself. I do understand your concern and I want to assure you and your family that all what you heard is not true and whoever is writing these emails does not have the courage to speak in the open and I want to remind you that even our prophet (SAAW) was called names and people said many untrue things about him. Finally please forward the original e mail you received to me. DR .. you have not convinced me or many of the people who are worried. i have family in syria and i do not know what this may mean there. your answer is standard BS ( trust me i have it under control). you have not answered my question or assured me a bit. i am demanding that the unity center take my complaint more seriously. Episode 6 Another Board Memebr resp[onded: We don't even know who you are. Why don't you stop by the office or come one of our meetings? Apperently you much more than we do!!! and you can help us a great deal by telling us and giving us the info that you have. I would love to meet you in person. Why? So you can smear my reputation the same way your group of men have been smearing ....in your fancy dinners!! you need to clook into this question even if coming without a name. would the police not investigate crime if they dont know who called?? .....was speaking ill of me and my honor for the past 2 weeks. ( That would earn him 80 floggings in Sharia Law) since I sent the first email. ....DR. and his ..... have been smearing ......for the past three months, accusing her of sleeping around!!. ( another 80 floggings each and being banned from testifying in a Muslim court). This is the same ......who gave the ....his friend and business partner in ..... without a bid, leaving the whole community out. Haram , don't you fear Allah's punishment in you own families , honor and health??? I started by askig a simple question to let you know about a rumor and get reassurance. Now I am real angry. Let me repeat this question: how certain can I be that my information is secure? When you ignore the question you are convincing me that there is something fishy at the place, if you are not willing to answer, I will have to ask other parties to get the answer for me. Episode 7 For about 3 weeks, I have been watching the battle of this subject. My understanding from this back & forth e-mails; 1) This issue has been fabricated to get your feet in. 2) You have no right to send e-mails to the entire board of trusstees. 3) You are bringing names to the table to create problems between the BOT. 4) You are attacking members of the BOT. My advise to you is to stop sending e-mails to the BOT. If you have any issues you can contact Dr. ....as a ... & discuss it with him. Then if it is important, He will discuss it .. Eisode 7 as you may remember, i told you concerns regarding the rumors that the membership list is being sold or distributed to friends of the board and even to foreign groups. you promised me to discuss the security of the list and get back to me but you ignored me. your other board members all defended their syrian doctor friend dr dali and attacked me in their response and in their dinners. you all ignored me because i am married to a rich syrian doctor who was asking a simple question. you are leaving me no choice but to publicize my concerns. i know you would all dying to speak ill of me and my family and this is how you silence everyone. you scare people and intimidate them and you call them non religious and secular and all that stuff. you all act so religious and pure. i know that many of the docs in your board are not pure at all. don't let some hair on the face like an old goat fool you. i am not going to share what i know, dont worry boys. the masjisd carries now a bad name on the web and within the muslims in michigan. they are all worried about rumors that a group of extremist doctors have taken over the masjid following orders from the ikhwan and that they are sharing information and receiving commands from that group. look at the president of your board working so hard to turn the youth into little mujahidin .subhannalaah!!!. a woman from grand rapids told me that the place feels different and scary. the youth have left it and families do not want to come. what is next- a burka for every woman who enters and a measuring tape for every man to see the length of his beard. i am sorry to rant and rave but when i ask a simple question and get attacked for it and do not get answered, something tell me that there is more to the story. it may all be untrue but i am smelling a rat. if your board is really clean they will stop being so secretive and tell the rest of us , especially thos e who do not own million dollar home or fancy cars. forgive me for my long response. please assure the community.