FearlessBlogging.com: anonymous discussions.

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opposites.

rant
there's me and there's you, but there's not really an us.  not in any more than a shallow notion anyway.  we have little in common, it's true.  for instance, i want to learn another language.  you won't even read subtitles.  i want to go dancing.  in 6+ years, you've danced with me twice.  i like to get a little drunk sometimes.  you like to be high every second of every day, but I'M the only one with the problem?  i love to be social and go to parties.  you prefer to go anywhere where there's no people.  i love horror movies, which tend to be about monsters that don't actually exist.  you like war movies. which are often "based on historical events."  you have the most elaborate stereo system i've ever seen, and i've no clue how to run anything but the most basic functions.  if it were up to me, we'd have a tv/dvd player with basic cable, at best, and not even the slightest bit of surround sound.  you say you love to read.  you have tons of books and you buy new ones fairly often.  you even said you read a book i bought you a few years ago.  and yet?  i've never seen you read anything more than a magazine from start to finish.  you lose your temper.  i cry.  you scream and clench your fists and slam doors.  i follow you around and beg you to stop yelling and speak rationally to me.  sometimes you throw things.  very recently, something you threw bounced off the floor and hit me on the thigh.  there was a bruise for several days.  luckily, i bruise all the damn time on my own, so no one asked about it and i didn't have to submit myself to the indignities of what amounts to becoming an abused person.  i think i've been abused for a long time, but this is the first time its left a physical mark on my body.  i took a picture of it in case i ever need to give myself one more reason to leave.  it's in the printer now.
posted to life by Stevie, Consultant of Time (2 comments)

Yes i am fully aware i have and eating disorder. And I also know exactly what my best friends would do if they knew. I'm not anorexic, i just have a problem. I starve...I count calories...and i over excersise. Nobody really knows except one girl i only know over MSN. In a way im shit scared for anyone to find out but in a strange, twisted way i want to shout it out and let everyone know. I want people to care. I know they dont. I dont just starve to be thin, i am a self-harmer too so it is that aswell sorta. And control. That too. I . HATE  not being in control. And now i can be. I do want to be anorexic because that means im thin. really thin. I am 5'' and 128lbs so I am fat. really fat. Eww kinda fat. I hate everything about myself. My self-esteem is way low and i don't want to live. i really don't and i cant stand my friends hating me because of what i eat. i cant do it anymore....x Rawr x 
posted to life by Brett, Superintendent of Wild Parties (7 comments)

I will forever feel guilty for every bite i take knowing that im not eating something right or i am eating too much of it... its sick and sad. I used to complain about a close someone that had body issuese but,i that person did it through binging and purging.. i am obessesed eating healthy.. I recently lost weight.. but,i wasnt over weight or anything. I quit smoking and my mother was saying i lost too much weight.. soo,since i have been around her i have been tryin to eat purdy normal.. then after that all she said was that my face was too skinny.... now i just feel im getting fat... but,i know for my height and weight its fine.. but,its like i have a disorder.. im prob not makin any sense...im just typing everything.. sorry if it doesn make sense.. i had to get this out... Gah,i feel like an idiot and theres more to it than what I have typed.. again,i just had to get out what i could
posted to life by Dakota, Ranger of Arts and Crafts (8 comments)

So I'm 18, have not had my drivers license as long as some. I've already had 2 accidents, the 1st one was so minor you couldn't even tell (no insurance or police involved) Today though, oh God I'm sooooo dumb, I pulled into a little section to turn around, I did not back up far enough, didn't pay attention, and started pulling foward and smack the side of another car. My car got it a little worse than hers, the right side turning singals cover shattered, hers, the plastic paneling on the side fell off, didnt break it but the pieces that hold it on. We call the police, they take like 45 mins to get there. I told her to get her insurance and license ready and she goes "Whats an insurance card look like?" and the funny thing is, that made me feel better, because I felt stupid for hitting her parked car. Cop took like 15 mins filling out the forms and I find out she is my old teachers brother, who just happens to be walking toward us. Oh joy...Alas I think my dad will be the worse, it's really his car, I'm so blaming him, if he fixed my car I wouldn't have to take his, I could have parked in the parking lot and avoided this whole thing. Some people shouted at me I was a terrible driver, I just thought to myself "Thank you, I never noticed" Which I'm not really even a terrible driver, my first accident wasn't really my fault. I just feel so dumb...being a guy, I feel like I should drive, and my insurance is going to go up. The irony in this, I just got a letter saying I need to be confirmed for the good student discounts again.
posted to life by Bowie, Attendant of Time (1 comment)

Crush!....

confession
When you said my name, I raised my head from the book I was reading.  I looked up to see an unexpectedley handsome and adorably dressed man.  You were smiling and reaching out to shake my hand and your smile looked genuinely real, like you really WERE pleased to meet me.  I think mine probably did, too, because, like I said, I wasn't expecting such a young and honestly, hot dude to show up after speaking to you on the phone.  Your voice was so deep and I knew you ran your own business.  Plus, when I hear about your type of business, I picture fat, old dudes in sweat-stained t-shirts with the sleeves torn off.  Dudes with dirty, greasy-looking facial hair and skin, stinky old baseball caps, suspenders and plumber's butts.  You were none of those things.   I noticed everything.  Your manly black boots, cuffed (!) and covered on top by jeans that weren't tight, but certainly fit you well.  Your incredibly sexy, old-looking, short-sleeved, pearl-buttoned, plaid, cowboy-ish shirt...  How style-conscious and yet, not even remotely overdone!   I noticed your well-groomed mustache and beard and your clear, soft-looking skin.  And your incredible lips.  Oh, those lips!  You wouldn't even believe me if I told you how much I stared at your lips!  I had to make an effort to keep myself from imagining touching your lips.  And I saw, too, that your hair is a little thin on top, but even THAT was still sexy.  I noticed that you ran a comb through that hair when you got back from the bathroom, too.  Was that for my benefit?  I can't help but think so.  And we sat so close, the whole time.  Almost touching, maybe.  And you did touch me, twice.  You tapped my knee with the back of your hand once, and tapped my knee with your pen once.  And you leaned forward, into my space, and I leaned into yours, too.  You told me you were surprised that you were enjoying talking to me so much because you normally don't do well with new people.  Me too.  You mentioned training in other places, where I could ride with you, in a truck, for miles and miles and hours and hours with no one else there but the two of us, and you wondered if my boyfriend would feel okay about that.  Why would you wonder that?  It's for work.  Shouldn't that be fine if it's for work?  Or do you maybe have the tiniest of ulterior motives that you don't even recognize yet, and you're just too much of a fucking sexy gentleman to not mention it?   You have to admit that some of what you were talking about was a tad on the boring side, and I did mention the ADD I seem to have, so believe me when I say that my attraction to you is what allowed me to give you my undivided attention for four hours with nothing but a bathroom break.  I could just look at your lips for a minute, or your sexy cowboy shirt and I was good to go.   The best/worst part of the whole sexy story is that when we left, finally, and said goodbye, you told me I looked very pretty today.  And I said thank-you, and we held eye-contact.  I feel like I was deliberately ignoring anyone else in the area at that moment.  I only wanted to see you.  And we shook hands, and we smiled and let our gaze linger for an almost imperceptible second, and I turned aorund and walked away, and you did the same. And I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since.  It's been over 24 hours.  Maybe I need more time.  I know I do, because if I hear from you anytime soon, I might propose to you.  I don't want to feel this way because it causes me to fantasize, which never does anything but lead to disappointment.  And yet, I can't stop.  I don't want to stop.  I want to close my eyes and think of you and imagine touching you because you seem to have released chemicals in my body that I forgot even existed.  I can't remember the last time I felt so attracted to someone, and though I only mentioned the physical stuff, we seem to have at least a few things in common.  Organic food?  Cute and check.  Camping?  Check.  Live music?  Keep going.  Travel?  Soul mates, maybe?  You seem like a precious gentleman, and I respect what I know of you.  And you seem to respect me.  It just feels so good. But at the same time, the fantasizing can't be entirely healthy because I don't REALLY know you at all.  One-on-one conversation with a complete stranger for four never uncomfortable hours, and then wishing we could hang out some more afterwards...well, that's great.  But I still don't know you, and I don't want to turn you into someone in my head because there's no way you can actually be whatever my head builds you up to be.  It's diappointment waiting to happen.   So I'll try to control my brain, and try not to think about you too much, and just try to get through the next week.  That's going to be hard enough as it is.  Hopefully, by then, a lot of things will be a lot more clear.  It'd take a long, long time for my life to be clear enough to have you in it, but maybe we could be friends.  I'll need a lot of those very soon, I think, and a little time to heal never hurt anyone.
posted to relationships by Blaine, Guardian of Evil (0 comments)

i don't know why i'm still here.  i'm weak, i guess.  i'm afraid of being alone and lonely, i guess.  but i've heard people say before that they leave bad relationships because the day to day pain of staying becomes stronger than the fear of being alone.  i think i'm there, finally.  part of me is actually grateful for his latest emotional outburst because i think it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.  the potential new job, though it would be a huge stick in the spokes of my life, helps, too.  the bottom line is that i can't go anywhere until i have a job.  i can't even pay my bills right now, let alone pay rent and deposit on an apartment.   i feel like a victim.  i feel like i've allowed myself to be verbally and emotionally abused and manipulated for a very long time.  i feel like a sad weakling and i feel empty right now.  all i want to do at this moment is get really high and zone out.  i don't want to think about anything, because 99% of my thoughts right now and very sad and difficult to deal with.  the feelings that i'm feeling right now are hard to feel.   i want to tell everyone i know what's happening, because i feel like that will help me to make it happen for real, finally.  but it could just make me feel worse and then i'll withdraw from everyone and have to deal with everything alone.  
posted to relationships by Ari, Funeral Director of the IT department (0 comments)

Once again in trying to express feelings and vent  , the walls come slamming up and my big mouth drives someone away. ...it's a never ending cycle. I see it coming and the wrong word or phrase and I start throwing verbal darts... f*ck me and f*ck it in general. I feel it's to late to recant and this dog is toooooo old to learn.
posted to life by Dana, Guardian of the Poor (2 comments)

I don't know why I have made the choices in my life that I have made. I have pretty much given up my dreams. I have a lot of talent going to waste because of that. I have married a woman that cannot have my children. Why did I do that? I hate myself. I am going through a lot of pain and no one knows, and it isn't going away. Now, I drink myself to sleep and hope I never wake up. Unfortunately, I do. I don't think I will ever be happy. I have tried anti depressants and they don't work.  Maybe I am just a waste.Perhaps I have the same fate as my Grandfather. I think about that a lot. I never met him because he shot himself a long time before I was born.  My other grandfater was a drunk like me. I wish someone or something would show me the light. I can't leave my wife right now because I put her before myself. Even though I am not happy.  She copuld not live on her own with out my paycheck. Soon she will be able to. Maybe then I will change my life. I love her but I don't really know If I am in love with her anymore. She has been looking for a reason to hurt all the time. A disease of somekind. It is kind of like an excuse. Well, she finally found one. Now I know every little thing will be an excuse. It is like she has been looking for this for a while. Now it will be..."No I can't do that because I have (disease).... I am too tires becaise I have (disease)  I hate this life. I hope it gets better in the future. I hope I have the strength to leave her and pursue my dreams. Until then....if I die.....ok by me.
posted to life by Yoko, Clown of the Lonely (0 comments)

Why is it he always complains about me? I know i have problems.... but,geeezzz... Why now do you want to tell me what you dont like?? when he should know i already think SOOOOO low of myself? i want somebody who will accept me... not just oh,because i love you soooo much,i will put up with you. :/ make me feel like a problem or a sickness.... i dunno.. im tired and not making sense.. had to let this out and just found out about this website...
posted to life by Allison, Hunter of Evil (2 comments)

Self-love: I think that I'm probably the only female who sees masturbation as a means to an end. It's a competition to see how many times I can bring myself to a complete frenzy. Sadness: I remembered somebody. I went to find them. Instead of them, I found their obituary. So many years wasted. Expectations: I hate them. I hate that I am a slave to them. I hate that I live and die by what others think. I hate that they judge me first by how I look. Aren't I the same person whether I am gorgeous, ugly, skinny, fat, tall, short?
posted to life by Rebecca, CEO of Light (1 comment)

first day of high school is thursday september 4. I've never been more nervous in my life. Ive been to orientation and well my school is freaking huge and I'm going to get lost. My locker wont open and it's upstairs while my first class in down. I only have 4 minutes to get to each class. Ill get to be with Brandon though finally but we dont have any classes together. I hope I see him in the hallway. what the fuck is up with matt these days. We used to be such good friends and he always put a smile on my face but now...things changed. I think I even still have feelings for him. The sophmores, juniors, seniors ive talked all said its not that bad but im soo freaking out. I hate moslty everyone on my bus cause there mostly all jackass'es! ughh I seriously just want to crawl in a whole and die. High school blahh. Anyone got any tips for surviving high school? Im thankful though for my jimmy eat world cd which supriseingly calms me. Crap I still gotta read my book for english cp. its almost 2 in the morning time for bed.
posted to school by Alice, Consultant of the Financial Services department (3 comments)

I want to kill myself sometimes....but I am not a killer. not to any living creature.
posted to life by Max, Musician of Time (0 comments)

I think he's the guy that ive fell hardest for. At first when I met him he was the most annoying guy and then I had more classes with him the year after that and I started falling for him. He always made me laugh and always put a smile on my face. He would flirt and I would flirt. I like him alot. Then the next year we had no classes and I only saw him when going to the bus. We were close at first and then he changed. Avoiding me so I avoided him and then he starts talking again! I'm so pissed at him why does he flirt if he isnt fucking intrested? He went to the dance with nicole this girl he lives by and is friends with but they like each other. I had 4 hours at that dance and I watched them together. I want Matt to be happy but he's the fuckin jerk asshole who kept giving me mixed signals! I see him at orientation he glances at me but I'm not looking. I'm behind him and he knows but we dont speak. I just want to slap him. Boys are so confuseing!
posted to life by Rex, Manager of the Idealistic (1 comment)

I have been so dependent on google recently, it is sick!  How has this happened?  
posted to society by Adrian, Architect of the Satisfied (3 comments)

Thats the rules "you cant fall in love with your boyfriends friend... I know but i cant help myself he sooo not like the others i've gone out with. what do I do.. I mean I dont know if I can tell him that. Should I????
posted to relationships by Bobbie, Musician of the Irredeemably Moist (1 comment)

  June 25 A night that will go down in mystory. These two years have been a long lesson in life; love, family, friends, relationships, and self. Not sure what to say but the truth is that it hurts. I don't know why I continue to do it to myself. I go back knowing that nothing will change. That she will still be distant and I will feel inadequate. NO not inadequate, but like I am in a bubble and can never get as close to her as I would like to. Why is it so hard to let go? Why are these feeling so hard to fathom and shake? She sleeps silently while I stay awake torn and left feeling confused and emotionless. Or maybe I am filled with so much emotions that my mind does not know which one to show therefore I am left feeling emotion. Some things in life are meant to be taken for what they are and nothing more. I love you but I refuse to stay. Because you do not understand how it feels to be denied passion, unable to let our naked bodies kiss. To be told you are loved but placed in a bubble so not to come into too close contact with others. This has to be the end. There can be no more pain; no more pain from her. My only choice is to make myself the best man I can be. No longer the best husband, father, son, brother or friend because ultimately I myself is the only one who will night deny me. Live free. You gave everything you had to make it work to show her how much you cared. Wanting the best for her and willing to give anything so that she would be happy. Damn, 20 years. A woman you dreamed would be your wife. Failures. Lots of money. Many mistakes. Here you are. NO need to get down. It's over and done with. You cannot change the past, just keep moving forward. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift, and that is why it's called the present.   August 31   Still, here I stand a reckless, and hopeless case. Even knowing that being near her, loving her, wanting her, is what clouds your thoughts, and ambitions, thus causing you to forget everything else but her, you still remain and chase something that repeatedly reveals itself to be a never ending pit of unhealthy emotions creating an antithetical you. But she has been branded in every memory you have. There is nothing you do or think that does not bring her name or anything relating to her being to mind. It is impossible to forget her, or forget who she is and has been to you. Her place in your life, the seat in your heart that she stole, still has her lingering scent . She was who you thought of as a child; the perfect girl that you imagined and committed to before you even met her or knew her name. Now you can hardly see past the day you have planned with her, or hopes to see her. There is no future in sight for you. You allow her to consume every inch of you, and slither through your mind. She has conquered your heart and now has jurisdiction. Now she is the pilot of you and governs your emotions, allowing you to feel serene, and whole- or futile and disconnected. How do you win a battle with someone who is such a big part of you before its too late and your future, is stuck in the past.
posted to relationships by Charlie, Cleric of the Financial Services department (3 comments)

I'm lonely

rant
I'm so lonely. I do not know how he can be so nonchalant and oblivious.  I could find someone else, but that is not my style, and besides I have'nt spent the last 18 years for nothing. If he wanted out seems he could just say so, yes the pain would be unbearable at first, but in time it would ease and live would resume. I know i've been close to breakdown before, but I take medicine and have grown from instances of the past. I can't say it would not happen again, but I believe I am more self-confident in my abilities then ever before. Why can't he just smile when he sees my face anymore. Why is he so down trodden unless he is going out or to work, I really do not think I am that wretched, but then agin maybe I am in his eyes. They say when you strongly suspect something it is woman's intuition and you know him better than enyone. BUT am I just being paranoid and suspicious. Some say he is definitly doing something, yet when I look him in the eye and ask he denies it and I so want to believe him...but I really do not know if I can. Instead I just cry inside and wonder just exactly what is going on with us...or winder and question myself and my own sanity at times.....I;m so lonely it hurts!
posted to relationships by Aubrey, Shaman of Good (1 comment)

Really, keep reading if you wanna see my pissed off side.  I've always been one of the lucky ones.  I can eat what I want, when I want, how much I want, and not have to worry about gaining an ounce.  That's due to my life long commitment of excersice and eating right.  All the women in my family quadrupled in size after having kids.  Hell no, that WASN'T gonna happen to me!!!  I kept my promise and after 3 kids, I'm still tiny ol' me. I spent my life, from age 3, very active in sports, especially skating and dancing.  Football was just a fun hobby.  When I wasn't in the rink, on the dance floor, or on the field, I was excercising.  That soon turned into bodybuilding.  When I was only 14, I could've given the world's strongest man a run for his money.  I never took steroids or any enhancing drugs.  It was all good eating and excercise.  Granted, after high school I had to quit dancing and slowly stopped weight lifting.  I still worked out though. Both my parents were extremely overweight.  In fact, it was my fathers weight that cost him his life.  He grew up overweight, and it just got worse over the years. My mother was a toothpick, until she had 3 kids.  My brother has extra baggage now, in his early 20's.  I never got any taller than 5'1", and never topped a non preggo weight of 120.  I always felt "adopted" because I wasn't 6' tall and 300+lbs. Now, I have kids of my own.  I am in charge of what they eat, how much they eat, and when they eat it.  They love ALL vegetables and fruits, especially broccoli and cauliflower.  In fact, they'd rather eat a plate of cauliflower than go to McDonalds.  This is because of the good eating habits they were raised with.  Ranging in age from 3-10, my kids are very active.  My daughter is a cheerleader, dancer, and roller skater, my first son is a skateboarder, and my youngest thinks he's a linebacker and a wrestler.  Not one of them is nearly overweight.   I'M THE PARENT, NOT THEM.  When is America gonna realize that?????? Who the hell is the parent?  Don't give them that damn cookie they're screaming for.  Instead, shove a carrot stick in their hand.  Pizza????? My gosh, can you get ANY worse?????? I'm sure if you introduce a fajita with lean steak, lettuce, tomato, and a low fat ranch sauce, they'll love it 3x as much as that damn greasy pizza.  And cheeseburgers???????  Opt for an all white meat chicken fillet sandwich.   Stop using that God aweful vegetable and canola oil, and start using extra virgin olive oil.  Stop buying whole milk, and cut back to 2 or 1%.  Use brown eggs instead of white.  Brown eggs are MUCH healthier and actually taste better naturally.  There's so many things that parents can do to ensure their kids are eating right.  The problem is, they just don't wanna do it.  They'd rather give in to the shit-flying temper tantrums and fill their kids with cake and twinkies.  PUT YOUR FUCKING FOOT DOWN.  YOU'RE THE PARENT, NOT THEM.  YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER THEIR WEIGHT, SO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  It's really pathetic that we're the fattest country in the world.  We have the resources to completely erradicate obesity, but people are too damn lazy to find them. We invited some friends over for dinner last week with their son.  Yeah, our friends are over weight and I found out why.  When dinner was served, they all passed up the veggies and went straight for the starchy food.  Even the 9 year old boy, whom I might add has a "beer belly" already, cringed at the sight of green beans.    My kids ate them all up, and asked for more.  Then, a few nights later we were invited for dinner at their house.  I had to ask what the hell that black thing is.  She replied it was fried steak.  OH MY GOD!!!!  Steak isn't meant to be fried!!!  It looked like my dog ate a rotten burger patty and shit it out.  I can't explain the look on HER face when I refused to eat that autrocity of meat.  My son didn't even want to touch it, and really, I don't blame him.  He's smarter than that, and he's only 3.  So, in all my ranting, have I gotten my point across?  TAKE CONTROL.  STOP FRYING EVERYTHING.  STOP OVEREATING. STOP GIVING IN TO THE BITCH FITS YOUR KIDS THROW JUST TO SPARE YOURSELF A FEW MINUTES OF WHINING AND CRYING.   I WANNA JUST SCREAM EVERY TIME I SEE A KID SHOVE A HOHO IN HIS MOUTH, SINCE MOMMY HAS A SHUTUP STASH OF IT IN HER PURSE.  PEOPLE LIKE THAT MAKE ME SICK. ONCE AGAIN, TAKE YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES, START EATING RIGHT, AND SET A DAMN GOOD EXAMPLE FOR YOUR KIDS. Thank you and have a great day!
posted to life by Bobbie, Ninja of the Lonely (8 comments)

Well , here I am. The end of the road , no where else to go . You've cornered me , enticed and BS'd your way in and about my life. Youv'e helped me to completely lose my faith on more than one thing and at more than one time . I feel I can't even go to anonymous sites to write , read and rant. To express myself , to have a sense of freedom . Because there you are ... a greedy consumer to the core. Always waiting to bait me  then  tear me to shreds. You have so much , but it's never enough. Is it ? You always want more at the price of those you consume . Your sickness is apalling , you would have allowed me to sacrifice myself to you knowing full well what I'd have to face. Then you'd  leave ,  to consume yet the next in line ,  at my cost .You've poisoned my soul.....and I hope you burn in hell for it . If only all the others understood what they were facing when stepping into your web.. you aren't clever , just a sick asshole .
posted to relationships by Stevie, Herald of the Homeless (1 comment)

well i read the twilight series a while ago. at first i thought i liked it until i realized what it did. it makes teen girls retarded. suddenly everyone will be moving to forks, taking trips to volterra and putting themselves into danger hoping their "edward" will come. speaking of edward, what the hell. he honestly didnt bug me that much until i suddenly saw "mz. edward cullen" blogs and shit everywhere. HE IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. there is no such thing as the vampires stephnie meyer has made up. god i hate stephenie meyer. she basically wrote her vampire fantasy in a book and got it published. the way she describes bella is eerily similar to what she might have looked like at seventeen. oh. and then theres bella. shes a teenager.teenagers swear. they also arent needy bitches who are clumsy, not that bright, annoying, and plain who manage to have every boy at thier school wanting to go out with them.in new moon, read the first few chapters and skip to the end. in between it's just bella feeling bad for herself and her getting hurt. yawn.that said, twilight isnt that bad, i would rather read it then get my fingernails pulled off, and alice and jasper are interesting.more interesting than bella and edward. really, the book should have been about them. nevertheless, im probably going to end up reading the rest of the series because truthfully books suck and there arent many good ones out there.
posted to society by Bobbie, Venture Capitalist of the Financial Services department (4 comments)

I am so friggin horny I can't take it. I am going to leave work in a few minutes. Ever masturbate while driving? It's amazing.
posted to relationships by Stevie, Handmaid of the Forgotten Lands (3 comments)

Where to start... I guess today not being a good day is a good enough place to start. I'm cramping like a bitch, I'm as moody as a pregnant woman, and there were several little things that just build up into a bigger thing kind of day. My husband carpools to work with a woman who lives in our town. Out of the entire business of 20 employees, they are the only 2 who live in the same town, and with the economy and gas prices being what they are, it makes sense to ride in a hybrid car and split the cost of gas. I get that... What I don't get is that he now, all of a sudden, can't call to let me know if there's a traffic tie-up or construction to let me know he'll be later than usual. He has scratches on the left side of his lower back area that look like fingernail scratches that did not come from me. He used to call me to let me know if he was working a little later than usual...those calls have stopped, too. But I can't ask. I can't ask, because there's about a 85-95% chance that all these seemingly small things are coming from the majorly insecure voices that live inside my head. Yes, we do have an incredibly sketchy history. When our relationship was merely friends with benefits, yes, he lied to me when I asked about the girl, and he told me she was an "old friend" instead of an ex-girlfriend he was still hooking up with. Yes, he lied to me when he told me he needed to cut all ties with both of us so he could figure out what he wanted, then he began dating her behind my back. And, yes, after our relationship became exclusive and we were living together, he lied when he said he had cut all ties with the bitch who broke his heart a mere 2 weeks before I came into the picture, then came crawling back after the person she left him for turned out to be not who she wanted. But I was present for the phone call that did cut all ties with her, and I've been on his e-mail and his myspace (with his knowledge), there has been no correspondence and her number is not in his phone. And with all that, the good still outweighed the bad, and when everything was said and done, he was more than willing to prove to me that I could trust him. I made the choice to take the plunge and marry him when he proposed, and I knew when I chose to stay with him and forgive him, that I couldn't bring any of that shit back up again. For this relationship to work, I had to either walk away or forgive and forget. After all, from the outside at least, our relationship now very much resembles a fairy tale. The boy has been wronged by love, had his heart broken. In enters the girl who tries to heal and soothe the wounds of those who came before her. But the boy is scared to open himself up, so he pushes her away, pushes any feelings away and goes after several girls. Finally, one night, the boy realizes he has grown fond of the girl, and he can no longer deny his feelings for her. The girl's love has been strong enough to change the boy's ways, and he is now 100% devoted to her...and they all lived happily ever after. But, really, does shit like that ever happen?  I hate to come off sounding cynical, but I'd be willing to bet that 9 out of 10 women whose husbands/boyfriends have cheated on them never saw it coming and did their best to write it off as them being paranoid or insecure. So, how do you figure out the difference between paranoia and insecurity and signs you shouldn't write off or ignore? How do you confront your husband when it's just going to bring up old issues that you both promised to not bring up in fights or arguments? On the flip side, though, doesn't history repeat itself? Can people really change who they are? Does anyone really, truly get the "happily ever after?" 
posted to relationships by Stevie, Deviant of Space (2 comments)

A year and a half ago and after a few months of dating,I broke up with HER to date this girl of my dreams.  I get dumped and go back to HER.  I break up with HER again after a couple of weeks to date the same girl of my dreams.  I get dumped and go back to HER.  I broke up with HER again tonight because i'm still in love with the girl of my dreams and she wants to start getting serious again.   I can't go back to HER anymore after this time.  I slept with the girl of my dreams this weekend and just broke up with HER tonight.  After every time I get back together with HER, I tell HER it will be different and that i won't hurt HER.  After every time I get back together with the girl of my dreams, she tells me it will be different and that she won't hurt me. What to do, what to do? Do I put it all on red again with the girl of my dreams and go for it and risk rejection after a couple of weeks in heaven with this girl? Only to probably feel the need to call HER again and have HER forgive me...again.  I can't.  I'm old enough (29!!!) to know when to let someone go for good.  And i should have never called HER again this last time. But i'm in love with this girl of my dreams. Do i put it all out there again? or should I just up and leave this pathetic state.  I've run out of girls to date/have sex with here.  Do i need to move to New York City or somethin to find happiness?   My head hurts from spinnin so goddamn much.  Help
posted to relationships by Stevie, Travel Agent of the Forgotten Lands (5 comments)

s co club.

advice
for kids only !!!!!  ages 10 to12    
posted to school by Adrian, Secretary of the Homeless (0 comments)

More taxes = Money I EARN taken away. Taxes are a necessary evil but liberals take them for granted that we have an admendment to have income tax. In the long run the Labor force should keep most of there earned money and have a small income tax if any. Fair Tax is a policy where income tax is gone and is all taken out of sales tax. So the only money you lose to the government is the money you spend and not earn. Liberals talk about all these equal rights and freedoms but they wont even allow me to go down the street yelling TITS because it will offend somebody. Liberals want to make everybody happy with nobody being offended. That right there takes away our freedom of speech. Liberals want more government which is actually from a certain perspective a step towards totalarism. Liberals think the general public are too stupid to control their own lives so they emphasis more government. All the agencies and programs they make or fund with our tax dollars are only used for a very minority population. Why should i be paying for somebodies welfare check who is too lazy to get off their ass to get a job. Liberals are those who believe our basic rights and our money should be taken away. Liberals = suck my balls. Conservatives are stupid too but not as much as liberals.  A libertarian(nothing to do with the word liberal) direction for our government is the best way to go. Less government, less income tax, and less pussies getting offended by stupid shit is what this country needs.
posted to life by Ash, Priest of Light (4 comments)

Another I should have added to the rules....  People, if you have what you think is a lot of money with the bank, don't brag about it.  We honestly don't care and it wont impress us as much as you think.  I had a guy, *Larry, who had about 30k total with us.  He would always come in and say things like, "I just had to get a new Armani' or 'with all this money, youd think id be happier' or the fan favorite, 'I bet I make more than your husband/boyfriend does'.  Yeah, that was actually said to me once.  Look man, 30k in the bank may seem like a lot to you, (and really it is to non-banking people) but I have several customers who have over a million sitting in their savings, money markets, cds and checking accounts.  Youre little 30k means nothing to me and im certainly not impressed.  Not that I wouldnt love to have that kind of money sitting there, but youve gotta understand that i work in a bank and see money and balances all day long.  I see people with a lot more than you and people with a lot less than you.  It seriously doesnt phase me one way or another.  And all bankers who have been working for I would say at least 6 months, are the same way.  Sure, if I were 2 days in, Id be impressed.  But Ive been doing this for 4 years.  The only amount that actually makes me say 'Holy shit thats a lot of cash' is well into the hundreds of thousands.  Keep that in mind next time you go into the bank.  Don't brag unless youve got a few hundred thousand in the bank, the tellers and bankers wont bat an eye at your 30k. 
posted to life by Rex, Steward of Imagination (9 comments)

omg!! :(..

rant
my phone broke and now i am verrrrrryyy bored!   what should i do????
posted to tech by Charlie, Embalmer of Space (8 comments)

Sometimes you cant help but pretend things are fine and dandy. But truth be told when does anything ever come out the way you think it should in your head.  I guess that’s part of the drama that is life.  You have this vision of it in your head the way you think it looks and if you could just for a second look at it without your protective shield….  Maybe then you could see yourself, your real self not the one you see when you do your hair and brush your teeth as you stair at yourself in the mirror. It’s a bit scary. really think about this: when you look in the mirror you always cock your head a certain way and angle your face every so slightly so that you can ignore the mass of fat building underneath your chin and overlook the fact that your dome is fucked to look at, and you see that pretty face of yours in its full psychologically stacked make up.  A fat chick doesn’t see it when she looks at herself she pulls a myspace and looks at herself sidesways and at the most flattering angle. perception is all the head the eyes don’t see the mind perceives.  I disgust myself when I write this wordy blab la bla out using my special adjectives and reading it over just to change a word to emphasize some sort of drama that makes the whole concept of what I just wrote somewhat of a joke a and less real. REAL whatever the fuck that means. but I guess that’s trying to write, trying to paint a pretty picture that you hope someone eslse might dig.  That’s not writing for your own piece, that’s the same as the fattie with the angle shot.  So from here on out its black and white and gray.  What the fuck have I done to myself ouver the past few years I don’t even know.  Nothing planned everything looked at with a happy pill and a skinny mirror.  If I want to get real I should start with myself.  I haven’t done anything in a week.  An entire week of my own self imposed confinement.  I don’t know why I do this because I really think people do things that they intend to do and I am pretty critical about that, but then why cant I grab some of the shit I spew and throw it on myself.  I guess that’s what brings us back to the fat chick who wears the shirt many sizes to small and the rocketdoggs accompanied by a paintiless miniskirt.  I just cant bring myself to the music and face it and I should be able to I need a fucking intervention or to be made or somebullshit meth shot to get me off the ass and into the big game. Its disgusting to use big game references I wish I could spank myself into realality but It might be to late I could be gone from it.  Just some crack head nigg that convinces himself hes sucking dick because it tastes good. I think im a bit drunk to be slamming on the keyboard right now. /.  I just took a tasty piss in an empty waterbottle I had laying around my room . it’s too that point now where the bath room 15ft away is too much fuck and the worst part is I have that shit down to a science.  I take the bottle and hover it and my dick over some old laundry so incase I filled the mother fucker up and had to keep going I could let lose on the garments.  I would be down for some serious swag right now im talking some h bomb to the mainvain shit and Im not even done with my forth beer that’s some fucking honesty buddy. well that’s all for now I hope your like my blog. And today I ate honey bunches of oats went to English class and calculus and some fucking reality philologers class I also got to ride the bus and spit on someone that didn’t even see it coming. 8-28-08
posted to life by Dana, Chronographer of the Irredeemably Moist (2 comments)

Job Hunt..

rant
I hate trying to find a job.  I hate it.  I was in one line of work.  I would like to stay  there.  Fuck working at a restaraunt.  Fuck working with asshole marines.  Fuck insulation.  I think I'm agoraphobic.  I don't like going outside.  I don't like meeting people.  I feel like talking to people is almost a test, to see if I'll screw my wording up or say something stupid.  It seems like people just want me to jump through hoops for them.  Fuck that.  It's so easy for someone with a "high rank" to say go work at taco bell, or in a field.  Fuck that.  I feel like this is just throwing life away.  Here just to be a fucking slave.  People want things from me, but what do I get?  Fucking bills for my money to go to?  What the fuck? Fuck.  I said fuck many times.    Does anybody know what a good answer is for "Objective" on a resume?  Isn't that the stupidest thing?  My fucking objective is to get a job.  But no.  They want you to say something profound.  Be a show dog.  All to do something you don't want to do.  I know many of you are going to tell me to suck it up, everyone else does it, your lazy.  Your probably right.  And you have a job don't you?  Don't you?   So thats all, make sure you work your entire fucking life to afford your own fucking funeral. Sweet deal.
posted to life by Brett, Author of Evil (2 comments)

Can't Live with them cant live without them. In skool theres this one boy that likes me and doesnt have the guts to tell me. But i give him many chance and he doesnt take it Is there something seriosly wrong. Like Really Grow a Back Bone But The i dnt wanna hurt his feelings cause i dnt really like him but i could take into consideration if he would jus admit i mean i kno everyone has the right to an a opinion. But some jus dnt take advantage of it. Like all the time boyz like u and jus dnt wanna tell u.
posted to tech by Aubrey, Warrior of Arts and Crafts (3 comments)

i have been seeing one of my good friends who has serious committment\relationship issues for over a year, we played cat and mouse for like 4 years before that, were not together but we play relationship every once in a while... so saturday he tells me he loves me and i was like what do you know what you just said and he says "well yeah i mean i cant think of why not" who fucking says that... i love you because well why not.... i dont know if its incredibly honest or just i dont know i dont get it.... i love you because i cant think of any reason why not.... WOW thats not how i ever pictured him saying that what the hell does that mean
posted to relationships by Ari, Sheriff of Good (6 comments)

Cara......

rant
cara you really are childish. you are fucking insane, a drunken whore- you will never be anything more. let the world know- your sob stories dont mean a thing. you are an adult, so you dads a looser, you moms a man hater and you were raped at 18 by your then boyfriend jason. if you see her on the street ask her how it was- [she loves anal, with her hands tied up with a silk tie] im sure viktor does a nice job- so well that he now stays with you- 31 and divorced- hes addicted to sex, i wonder if his 30+ partners have any STDs or HIV. I guess its a good thing i didnt sign that lease in Royal Oak. your right i would have been ruining my life- i was to spend it with you- THANK YOU. dont contact me anymore, i dont feel the need to change my number to keep you out of my life, just grow up. so theres my rant- she ended it after a year when she met viktor. after i quit my job to move to her town and now she starts texting me after 2 months. Im done with her and her messed up life. her problems are viktors problems now, not mine. so cara just back the hell off. Post edited: Full Names / Contact information removed - violation of site rule.
posted to relationships by Brett, Lady of Musclebeasts (3 comments)

I feel most of the time i'm sitting around stressing about stuff like school, dating, family issues...it's like holding my breath waiting for some one to tell me it's okay to breathe. I feel like i've been walking up hill for so long it's a strain on my legs and my lungs. Now i'm realizing it feels AMAZING to walk downhill. to let go and let gravity do all the work. Because things will come into place.  I'm just having a really good moment right now although I know i'll be right back to stressing because it's inevitable(spelling?) that's what life is about--good times and bad times. hahahah okay i g2g study^_^
posted to life by Ash, Shadow of Wild Parties (2 comments)

So maybe I'm misinformed, but I thought every young guy dreamed of being able to have a friends with benefits relationship so they weren't tied down but could still get some when they wanted. Apparently I was wrong... I tried that.  I flat out told a guy, who is also my ex-boyfriend from two years ago, that all I wanted was to hang out have some fun; no drama, no pressure, and no titles.  Things were going great for two weeks then I found out he was telling everyone how much he loved me and wanted to make things work.   We talked about it and he told me he still loved me and wanted a chance to try again.  At first I was really against it but then I started to warm up to the idea.  I was ready to tell him we could try dating again, but then he bailed on me the night we were supposed to hang out. I got pissed, but figured I could let it go.  So I said it was okay that he had other plans we would hang out some other time.  Then he would start to go four or five days without calling me.  After which I would finally call him, we'd hang out then he'd get too drunk to talk...or do anything else.  So I finally stopped calling him.  After about a week he came into the bar I work at and we got into a huge fight.  He finally apologized and said he wanted to try this again.  I said okay, but you can call me from now on, I'm not calling you.  That was a week and a half ago.  I saw him at the bar I work at again on Friday and after he left he called me asking me to come over.  He was drunk...again.  I told him no because I was tired of him only calling me when he was drunk.  He said he'd call me the next day and I haven't heard from him yet.
posted to relationships by Frankie, Farmer of the Unimaginable Terror (4 comments)

Self-harm spiel

confession
I'm a male in my late twenties. I'm reluctant to describe myself as a 'man' because I still don't feel like I've grown into one, be it mentally or physically. Funnily enough, my mum persists in telling me I'll have a second growth spurt; I'm just like my uncle, apparently, and he grew several inches at 28. I'd like to believe it'll happen, but the hope is fading. There is, at least, a proportional relationship between the fading hope and the amount of distress my size causes me; such symmetry appeals to the pedant in me, so it's not all bad. Having said that, there are other parts of my body which continue to cause me distress and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. From an early age, I can remember having an unhealthy interest in self-injury, and can clearly remember idly threatening to cut myself with a kitchen knife aged 8 (or thereabouts). Having sustained a cut under my eye playing basketball at secondary school, I insisted on scrubbing the gash with a nail brush in the hope of making it scar. It never did, and I'm grateful for that, if only because the rest of my body is a smorgasbord of self-inflicted scars. Arms, shoulders, chest, stomach, legs, right down to the hands and fingers... there's not much of my bodily canvas that's managed to avoid etching. Some are worse than others, and some are more easily concealed, but not a single one is easily forgotten. When I first did it, I had no idea why, but in time I came to recognise that it was my way of dealing with my emotions. Even if it's only for the briefest of moments, cutting myself gave me a huge sense of relief, and more importantly, one I didn't know how to achieve in any other way. I've always had bipolar, volatile tendencies, and self-harm was, for a time, the only way I seemed to be able to deal with them without involving or hurting anyone else. So, while it might seem to be an irrational response, I like to think that, as a rational being, my a posteriori justification is sound. It doesn't follow from that conclusion, though, that it's the best response to my emotional ills, far from it. I think of it much like having a cold, where the vast majority of people treat only the symptoms, rather than the underlying causes. Similarly, I was focussed solely on the immediate situation, rather than taking the time to figure out how and why I'd got there. Had I confronted the issues in each case, the 'need' to self-harm would never have arisen; the scars are a permanent reminder of someone far more short-sighted (both literally and figuratively). I have only self-harmed once in the last twelve months, and although it was one of the more noticeable and therefore regrettable instances, I feel I'm moving in the right direction (that kind of optimism may in itself be indicative of genuine progress). I take confidence from the fact that I'm making progress in spite of the fact that the last twelve months have been perhaps the most turbulent of my life so far... breaking up with my last long-term girlfriend despite still being in love with her (something that is still true today), moving to London and living in a house best described as neglected with people best described as negligent, working long hours in a job I hated, and generally struggling to meet new people and make new friends. Nothing calamitous, I admit, but it's important for me to take enjoyment from even the smallest victories. You never know, at this rate, I might become a man after all. Even if I'm destined to be a short one.
posted to life by Brett, Farmer of the Satisfied (1 comment)

Fell in love with a perfect stranger and shared the most amazing experiences with him. After a year of memories made, it ends and the blame was on me. It's been over two years since then and I still can't say I'm completely over him. What's weird is that I can't honestly say that I'm "happy." I had three relationships after him. The first was a completely loveless relationship. The second had too much drama. The third is still going on til this very second. I feel absolutely horrible because he is in love with me but I don't feel the same way about him. I would feel too guilty if i ended it because I can't bring myself to hurt him. But I'm not happy. Sometimes I don't think I'll ever be happy. My first love has had relationships after me. Now he is single but he considers himself truly happy. I don't understand how I can't be happy with a wonderful guy who cares for me but my first love can be happy being single. I guess some can find happiness being independent. I'm not going to break my boyfriend's heart because of my own selfishness. I guess I'm stuck with this awful feeling inside of me for a long time. It's been here for over two years and I don't think it's going away anytime soon. 
posted to relationships by Max, Sommelier of the Forgotten Lands (3 comments)

 So, I don't do this often, but I feel the need to do this, not  because I am a hateful person, because I am not. But rather, to get things off my chest because I just want the stupidity to end now and I know that it will only get worse if I say or act upon my thoughts.   So, it all started weeks ago, when a person decided to, let's just call it, get comfort from someone else that I know. Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with that, but the problem lies afterward, when the first person continued to get "comforted" by the second person. Again, I have no problem with this, but when the second person takes a little heat for it from others, they feel the need to lash out at others. Now the second person was a friend, and I have kept things afar because of the situation. But for the second person to cry one night, do laundry the next day, then trash you, thats just not cool. I have never blamed either the first or second person for what happend, nor have I ever did or said anything to cause them problems. But why would you do something so ignorant as to lash out at the people that try to help you. This makes no sense whatsoever to me. If I had gotten involved, or allowed another person to get involved, that would be one thing, but I stayed out of it, no need to know. I see these things everyday, but normally keep to myself and don't say anything because I just don't feel the need to. But this really angered me. The second person should have listened to other people before they decided to spout off and lash out at others who have done nothing but listen and put up with the bull that has occured for weeks now. But no more, I am not allowing it anymore. I won't cause the two people any drama, cause that isn't what I do. But I won't be helping the second person any more, no laundry service, no cigarettes, no nothing. I am sometimes called anti-social because I normally keep to myself and don't socialize when others do. But now
posted to society by Ash, Apprentice of Time (0 comments)

Last Name . . .

confession
What happens when your favorite song of the month becomes reality?  Anyone here listen to Carrie Underwood?  Her song "Last Name"?  Well before I go to far, here is my background. 28 gay male, professional, and younger than I look, but older than I act (when I am away from work anyway).   More FYI:  I haven't dated anyone (or kissed, held hands, or any other romantic or sexual thing) since me and my last BF broke up, 15 months ago.  It started with a vow of abstinence that I took. It was to last 1 year.  But at the end of the year mark, I decided to keep it going. Just becasue I am gay doesn't mean I have to be a whore.  I do feel I am better than the labels that our society puts on us. Now to the event. Last night, I came home from work around 9pm. Took the puppy outside to potty, and my neighbors (who are also freinds) were in the back yard with a few of thier friends, including this very cute gu that I had never met. So they invited me over for drinks, which turned out to be shots. SEVERAL shots, of varying liquor.  After flirting subtling with this guy and not getting shot down, I turned it up a bit.  You know, the light brush of your hand across the back of his neck, etc... He responded well and the next thing you know we are doing shots alone. Away from the group. Then I am showing him the amazing view from our roof deck.  We start kissing (he was an excellent kisser), and groping. Decidied to come back down stairs, only to find my roommate and his friend watching TV in the living room. So we didn;t want to look like horny teenagers and came to watch the movie they were watching.   Which was actually a release for me becasue things were moving incredibly too fast. I thought I was off the hook, until we went outside to smoke. (This is the part where I should have kept my big mouth closed!)  We were talking and he made a mention of how much he loves winter adn the cold weather. Well, I in turn told him he would LOVE my bedroom becasue I keep it just above freezing year round and invited him to stay the night.  (Stupid, I know)  Well one thing led to another, and to another, and to another, until we ended up playing for hours. Luckily for me, even intoxicated, I knew better than to have intercourse since we had no access to condoms immediately available to us. We finally went to sleep about 6am. Last time i looked at the clock it said 5:56.  I woke up at 8 with him laying next me and I freaked. I remembered everything from the night before, but it was just now I realized how stupid it was of me to wash away 15 of celibacy for nothing. I don't know his last name. I know he is in college downtown, but don't know which one or for what.  I don't know what kind of movies or music or books he like. I know nothing except he kisses good, gives ok head, and has troubles staying hard and getting off, I assume it has to do with his anti-depression medicine.  I had an ex that had the same problem, but only on the days he took his meds. So now I feel like a whore( even though I have only had sex with 3 people and played with 3 other, well 4 now.) and regretful. I am sure to run into him again. He is a friend of a friend. So I really don't know what to do. Do I actg like it never happened since we didn't exchange numbers?  Do I avoid him at parties, only saying hi if we bump into each other?  I really don'yt know. I have never had this problem before. . . I am just at a loss. . . . . . . . . . . .   <center><div id='Artist' style='text-transform:uppercase;font:bold 13px verdana'><a class='ora' style='TEXT-DECORATION:NONE;display:block;width:490px;border:solid 2px orange;padding:2px' href='http://videopapa.com/song_48992_Carrie_Underwood-Last_Name.html' target='_blank'>Carrie Underwood</a><a class='blu' style='TEXT-DECORATION:NONE;display:block;width:490px;border:solid 2px dodgerblue;padding:2px' href='http://videopapa.com/song_48992_Carrie_Underwood-Last_Name.html' target='_blank'>Last Name<embed src='http://www.gamepapa.com/music/vplayer.swf' width='480' height='360' allowscriptaccess='always' allowfullscreen='true' flashvars='height=360&width=480&file=http://www.gamepapa.com/music/flash.php?id=48992&backcolor=0x000000&frontcolor=0xFFFFFF&lightcolor=0xCC0000&logo=http://www.corbilla.com/images/logo.gif&displayheight=380&searchlink=http://videopapa.com/index.php%3Ftype%3Dboth%26search%3D&autostart=true'/></a></embed></a></div><div id='Site' style='text-transform: uppercase;font:bold 13px verdana'><a class='ora' style='TEXT-DECORATION:NONE;display:block;width:490px;border:solid 2px orange;padding:2px' href='http://videopapa.com' target=blank'>Music Video Codes By Music Jesus.com</a></div></center>
posted to relationships by Brett, Farmer of the Idealistic (3 comments)

i fucking hate my bf's guts. he is a liar, a thief, a manipulator, and an abuser. the only reason i stay is because we have children together and for some reason, they like him. He has ruined my life. Just today he asked my aunt to borrow $4oo and said it was to fix the car for him to go to and from work. He dont even have a job, my family believes everything he says and when i need help they arent there for me. i think he intimidates them because i tell them dont give him npthing but they alwayz do. he is he type that kou call nows what he does is wrong but when you call him out on it, he will flip into " i dont give a fuck mode" he thinks he's untouchable because hes always gotten away withthe shit he does. a lot of people are scared of him and he uses intimidation to get thru life. I absolutely hate his guts. I dont know how to leave because to be honest, im scared of him too.
posted to life by Taylor, Merchant of the craft table (26 comments)

Alone.....

rant
I feel invisible. I have grown to be alone. I kept to myself as a teenager despite friends, because I tried venting to them about my crazy divorced family and they were insensitive and didn't understand. I got made fun of often for my looks, my behavior, my academics - everything; and from everyone, my friends, classmates, even my mother. She, my mother, among other things, would tell me my skin was dirty because I had acne "Go wash your face, you're dirty!, You better go to the doctor because your skin is getting worse"  and she would say this when she was mad at me to hurt me. I looked like my father's sister & when I was a teenager and this was a problem (my mother now despied my father [and his family] for this massive financial hole we are now in since she kicked him out for his affair), my mother told me I look like my Aunt X, so I asked: "Is she pretty?" and my mother replies "she's ok." Why would you say this to your very fragile daughter? Through this period, I was constantly put in the middle between my parents. It became a routine for me to transfer messages to one another, to fight with my father (on my mother's behalf b/c she would tell me to talk to him) for additional money for my brothers and I. This really should have been my mother's role. I didn't know what to do to make my parents happy, or anyone for that matter.  I would tell my mother I didn’t want to say these things to Daddy or I would defend my father when she would tell me he doesn’t care about us (I really didn’t know what happened with them, I was just doing what any child would do – try and love both parents) and she would accuse me of being a traitor (I was 13-15) saying I talk [negatively] about her to him.  It was this constant game of deceit and lies, and manipulations on both sides that I had a hard time feeling much emotion or sympathy.   I withdrew. And this is why I have developed the defense to detach and imagine (anything) than what was happening in that moment when it was really painful to be around. I was expected to help out in the family. I am the oldest so I was expected to watch my brothers, care for them, fight with my father for them, help them with their homework (who was taking “care” of me?); I became the parent – even though I was in my teens I had responsibilities unlike most of my friends.  And all through this, I had some social life – I needed an out but my schooling suffered. How could one concentrate on homework or projects when your parent is unhappy and is overwhelmed with life and home life is an absolute mess. Mess as in yelling, crying, trying to help with chores, when did I have time for school? I would have friends to pass time with and that was a great out for me. I was very popular in high school and that was a saving grace.   But did anyone truly know me? I did have a couple of friend that have remained close to me since high school and through college.  Slowly I developed enough coping mechanisms and tactics to ward off all this negativity at home and making something out of myself in college. Fortunately I proved myself in my last year of high school to demonstrate I am college worthy.   At the university, I join a sorority but still the same feeling creeps up on me.  I feel very alone.  I would help my friends out, I would be the friend that I running over to your house to make you feel better, talk to you on the phone in the middle of the night because you are sad, hang out with you, stay with you so you feel safe, take you out for your birthday type of friend.  And all through this, I sit alone on my birthday as it’s near a holiday and people have holiday plans that are more important.  I want to help, that’s the only I know how to do is to be there for someone.  Why is it so hard to find someone to be there for me? I don’t know what I’ve done wrong? This feeling would sneak up on my from time to time but now since I am truly living and working alone, I feel it more. I feel like who is looking after me, but me? It’s in my nature to give and give, but I don’t want to any more.  It's like being in a glass jar, you can see me screaming but can't hear me.
posted to life by Frankie, Sommelier of the Financial Services department (5 comments)

Back up...

advice
Site was down / slow over the weekend. It should be zippy again.
posted to tech by Brett, Fashion Designer of the Hungry (0 comments)

    I hate my neighbors so much. Picture this. You are laying in bed, drifing off when all of a sudden BLASTING music starts up, and vibrates the walls. Or, waking up to gun fire, and no I don't live in a city...I just have really crappy neighbors.     Really, I hate living in apartements alltogether. There is a group of about 8-12 (depending on the time and day) hispanic men that like to hang out in the parking lot, sucking down budweisers and playing soccer. Well, in order for me to get to the dumpster, I have to travel to the other end of the appartment building. About two weeks ago was the last time, because they harassed me to the point where I was concerned for my well being. I called my husband, and I told him that I was going to contact the police.  I hate being the one calling the cops on the neighbors, but I'm home while my husband is at work and I get worried! Truthfully, I wish that they would just arrest the whole apartment complex. I would sleep a lot better...
posted to life by Max, Fashionista of the Idealistic (8 comments)

Ripoffs...

rant
What pisses me off? Websites that are blatant copies of other websites and make no real attempt to at least be unique. Will this website every have a chance of beting as good or successful as the one it ripped off? Not a chance, but I still felt like venting about it anyway.
posted to society by Taylor, Paladin of the Wildlands (13 comments)

WOW! I have NEVER seen more ullshit in my Life! My wife is flying to see her DYing Grandfather and is going alone she is 5'7" and like 105lbs can't hurt anyone, and the Piece of Shit (POS) Security ASSHOLES have the Balls to Check her like she is a mother fucking criminal!!!!! BULLSHIT you low life white trash POS cunt face Dick! I swear to everyone and anyone we Need some Anarchy Shit in this Joint. Freedom of the USA my Fucking ASS ore like Crooked Extortion ass backwards Fucked up USA more like it!! Talk about and undue extra shit I think No one Needs wants and Likes! Power to the People we need to Stand up Strong and Together Against this Outrageous Bullshit!! That is all I have to say about that!
posted to life by Max, Knight of Justice (2 comments)

Ok so more with the apartment complex.  Recently as I was taking my dogs out to potty, I witnessed something truly sad.  There was a group of about 4 boys, not any older than 10, screaming horrible things at this poor little girl that walked by them to take out her trash.  This little girl couldnt have been more than 8 or 9.  The boys are screaming things at her like 'Fuck you you ho bag cunt.'  'Youre a slut.' and so on.  These kids are 10!  Where the hell are your parents?  Who taught you it was ok to say things like that?  Its little asshole boys like these who are going to cause this little girl to have extreme self worth issues.  
posted to life by Taylor, Sniper of Light (3 comments)

Cows drink human milk.   Oh, no wonder. Pfft. Longer than 50 characters....
posted to life by Ash, Apprentice of Justice (1 comment)

Jihad. JIHAD. Jihad-jihad-jihad. What it really means is "struggle." But if you ask any random TV anchorman, it means, "kill all Americans." Ask some guy on the street and he'll start with 'oh, that means' and then end with some racist bullshit he heard from the TV anchorman earlier that morning. Now, I'm not Arabian; I wasn't born in the middle east, never been there, and frankly, given the situation, I don't plan on ever GOING there, either. But I do have a problem with motherfuckers stealing words. Remember Freedom Fries? Yeah, I remember a time when those were called French Fries. But then some uptight bastard whose job of running the country apparently wasn't fulfilling enough decided that, no, the French suck, so French Fries shouldn't be called French Fries anymore. No, that would be silly. Let's call them something else that means the same thing. People, people, please stop misappropriating words. "Liberal" isn't an insult -- neither is "conservative." French Fries are called French Fries and nothing else unless you're trying to be funny with your friends. Look, I'm old enough to remember a time when calling someone a bastard child wasn't an insult: it was a designation. It meant you were born out of wedlock. That's it. Then one day I wake up and suddenly calling someone a bastard child is not only inappropriate, it's also grounds for a smack in the face from the unwed mother in question. These words are mine and I'm keeping them -- if you want to change what they mean, we're going to have to fight, friend. 
posted to society by Adrian, Attendant of Generosity (2 comments)

If "no personally identifiable information -- that means full names, emails, addresses" is allowed, why are there so many threads allowed to grow and thrive which identify people by their full names (examples - Jennifer Becker, Richard Goddeu (sp?), Marcus Corwin, etc...)?  Don't you think these people would mind being openly trashed in a public forum like this?  It's not really fair, considering that their attackers are all anonymous.  I'm just sayin'...The Serial Spell Checker has a point...
posted to life by Samantha, Keeper of the Irredeemably Moist (7 comments)

Why can't parents control their kids?  Im living in an apartment complex right now that aparently allows children under the age of 12 to rent on their own.  I woke up this morning to a little girl screeching at the top of her lungs.  Her mom was standing there watching her have this little tantrum just smoking her cigarette.  She was standing right outside of my patio door letting her daughter screech and carry on and making my dogs go insane.  Parents!!!  If your child is having a tantrum, make them stop.  You are the adult in this situation.  I am not an advocate for beating your kids by any means, but smack that kids butt or something!  Dont just stand there and let your kid screech for 10 minutes and piss off your neighbors.  I cannot stand parents who make no attempt to control their children. 
posted to life by Dana, Hero of the Irredeemably Moist (7 comments)

Last one on the damn kids.  For now.....  So Im out walking my dogs again and this little fucking bastard kid comes up and and jumps at one of my dog and growls at him.  This causes my dog to go nuts and jump back and bark and growl at this little prick.  I tell the kid, nicely the first time, don't bother my dog that way.  He laughs and does it again.  This time Im more pissed off and tell him to back the fuck up or Im letting my dog go.  He procceeds to tell me that thats how he plays with his own dog and does it AGAIN.  I say to him-  "look you little shit, Im not going to be able to control my dogs much longer and if I let him go he will probably bite you because youve been threatening him.  If my dog attacks you, my dog will be put to sleep.  If your dumb ass is the reason my dog has to be put to sleep, Im coming to your house in the middle of the night and stealing your dog so I can have it put to sleep too."  Haha-  that little shit went and told his mommy on me.  I get this big fat ugly broad come storming up to me looking like shes going to smack me in the face and screams at me for scaring her little boy.  Apparently the little boy forgot to tell his mommy about the part where he antagonized my dog three times.  I let her know about that along with the fact that in the state a Missouri, a dog that attacks and bites a person, is automatically put to sleep.  I wasn't willing to lose my dog over some little bastard with bad manners.  The mom hauled off that smacked that kid across the face twice!  Once for lying to her and again for threatening my dog.  I thanked her for that! Hopefully that will be a lesson to that little shit.  Both of my dogs are very sweet little mutts but if theyre provoked or feel like I am being threatened, they will more than likely attack to keep me safe. 
posted to life by Frankie, Curator of the IT department (1 comment)