I’m stuck. I’m not sure if it’s seasonal depression or what but I feel like I don’t have the appropriate emotional responses to stuff. I’m just getting numb. I feel little to nothing 60% of the time, anxious about 20%, and sad the other 20%. And sometimes things just make me cry. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about suicide, but recently I’ve been thinking about it more and more.
It’s the same thing every day. I go to my shitty boring job. Come home to a family that isn’t around. Sit down and work and draw to hope I can someday do something I want to do. Drawing makes me happy but lately even that’s been a struggle.
I’m a millennial living with my family and we all get along great, but we don’t really spend a lot of time together. Me, my brother, and my dad are usually working and my mom has been finding herself through her pottery class, which is great. It’s nice because I don’t have to pay rent so I can save up all my money, but I get frustrated.
I love my family but I want some independence other than just “PAY UR OWN BILLS DUR-HURR” because I do all of that already and my dad pretends I don’t. I’d like to get my own dog or something that I just…have a say over. Or just be able to have a big change that’s new and I could focus on…but that won’t happen. I’d like to move out but not without a partner and not when I can save so much money here.
Then I’m stuck at this job I hate. It’s poorly run, everyone’s taken advantage of because the company is so cheap and the past few months we’ve basically been assaulted by work. It’s been bad. The 43-48 hours a week everyone was forced to do became more like 50-55, and the kind of work we have to do is inane, vapid, empty garbage. We have to watch the same episodes about idiot rich ladies screaming and throwing drinks or another special about some serial killer confessing to crimes. Not to mention, a lot of my coworkers do work that’s above their pay grade or are willingly filling 4 jobs for a non-staff position.
I try to talk with my manager on how to make things better and sometimes he listens, but I feel like I’m getting a rep as a whiner. But really, we get so backlogged and we don’t have the tools or the people we need to get our work done. It’s maddening sometimes and I feel like I’m the only one who ever says something.
But it’s not just work. There’s also this guy.
He’s been a friend since college. Well, sort of. In college he was sort of on the fringe of the group. I feel like he preferred his film friends to his illustrator friends because he really only ever wanted to party with film people rather than chill with the illustrators. But I kinda fell for him because I liked how passionate and knowledgeable he was about what he liked, I liked how he was a persistent, more serious, and more business-minded than me, and I liked hearing about the nice things he would do for his little brother or his old crippled dog. I told him I liked him but he wasn’t interested, so the next two years were me trying not to be awkward when he was around, and him trying to hang out with the two people in the group I hung out with the most.
I thought he would disappear after graduation, but months after we did he started skyping every so often. It was weird for me at first, but then we both got friendly again. Then a new girl from a different state joined the group named Millie and suddenly Mark was in the chat constantly. He was always responding when she posted stuff and it was really awkward for me because I was in skype all the time. Like…this was where I would chill with my friends. And now suddenly he’s here chatting up this new girl and it’s just like…putting a giant magnifying glass over my insecurities as a woman. I know he’s going to get a girlfriend eventually but I didn’t want to watch it happen.
But I still didn’t want to be chased away from the rest of my friends, so I would still go on. Millie never really got on the phone calls, but Mark did. And it’s strange because I feel like him and I are a lot friendlier now and it’s easy for us to talk and joke about things. I feel like he also…refers to me a bit more too. It strange. I stopped liking him and now I’m starting to like him again.
And then Dina was talking about online dating and she asked me to help write her profile since we’re friend and I’m a good articulate-er. When I asked her what kind of guy she liked, one of the two friends in the group she mentioned was Mark, and said “I’ve never wanted to make a move because I live so far away.” And then I just feel dirty. I tell her to go for him if she wants to but she hasn’t. And I don’t want to make a move, get my heart smashed again, and then have to build up my confidence from the ground up a second time. Or if I make a move, and somehow, he reciprocates and then Dina gets upset. I…I just can’t take it. I wish that some divine force would just take this punishment away from me. Or I could just hate him. Or he could just…leave.
I want to be bigger and just not let things get to me., but they do. I try not to make a big deal out of stuff that really hurts me, but it makes me sick. I try to talk about this stuff with my mom but I think she’s at a loss of what to do or how to help. I can’t go to therapy because of insurance bullcrap. I hate myself, I hate my body, and I feel old and pointless all the time. I’m trying so hard to think and be considerate of thers but I get bummed out that no one seems to do the same for me.
What’s the point of living if it’s only going to get worse? What’s the point if I don’t feel like I matte to anyone? Why should I keep going if I spend every other day trying to hide the sounds of me sobbing in my room?
I don’t know I just..I want to keep fighting but…I wonder if it’s really worth it? Where is my happiness and why can’t I find it now? Why does everything feel so far away? When will I stop feeling so alone?