I came here hoping to receive some advice with something I did almost three years ago. I am currently 21 and when I was three days away from my 19th birthday I had sex for the first time. Although this would be memorable occasion for most people I have been questioning myself and wondering how I went down that road for the past 2 1/2 years. At the time, me and my brother were on vacation visiting family in South America when we went to spend a week with one of our uncles and his family. It was during my week there that I have not been able to stop thinking what I have done because to this day I keep remembering the nights where me and my cousin had sex. It all started when we saw each other after not seeing each other in about three years. At first he was all cold towards me but by the end of the night we were close friends again. The next few days we would spend the day talking to each other, walking by the river, playing video games, in short we were almost inseparable. When the weekend came my uncle decided to throw a party for our arrival. On the night of the party we got even closer because we drank and got really close when we danced. As the party came to an end I headed to bed because I got a little tipsy and he accompanied into the bedroom. As I threw myself onto the bed he lied down beside me and hugged me. I told him to leaver alone because I was sleepy but instead he kissed me. I was somewhat surprised but at the same time I knew it was going to occur because I knew he had feelings for me. After some kissing we started to make out and things got really steamy. It was then when I decided to stop what we were doing because I thought it wa wrong, after all we are cousins. That night we didn't have sex but the following day we couldn't keep our eyes of each other. I knew he wanted me and he knew that I wanted him. The second night I decided to have sex with him because I reasoned with myself saying that he's only my half cousin. The first night we had sex all my worries disappeared and he even admitted to me that he loved me. The next few nights we would have sex for almost 2 hours , always worried that someone in the house would wake up and hear what we were doing. When it was time for me to leave we kissed good bye and promised to skype and text each other. When I returned to the U.S we would skype each other and talk about those nights. For the next few months we remained in contact but after about 7 months he would not talk to me with much frequency. I decided that it was a good thing because that way I could forget about him. Although I managed to forget about him for a few months he contacted me once again and a year after our sexual encounter we were talking to each other again. By this time I started fooling myself that he really loved me and that I loved him also. again he would stop contacting me but this time I would start to get depressed. My depression was so strong that I would barely eat or sleep, when I did sleep I would cry myself to sleep, I isolated myself from everyone, and began to hate myself for what I did. Again he contacted me but as hard as tried to forget about him I would find myself anxiously responding his messages and awaiting for his response. 2 1/2 years later I am still trying to forget about him and what I did with him those few nights. I find that it has become difficult for myself to forget about him because caused myself to believe that we truly loved each other. I came to this place hoping to find some answers that would help me find a way to permanently forget him, resist the urge to text him, and stop fantasizing over the idea that if given another opportunity I would repeat the same mistake I committed those almost three years ago. I am about to finish college and I had not had a single relationship because I was so devoted to someone who I know realized only used me to satisfy his sexual desires. I truly want to get over him so that I would be able to start a true relationship and be able to experience what it really means to be in love.