My life has just gone to shambles and I just don’t know what to do. I finally told my best friend, of 21 years, about my past and it blew up. I have been living two separate lives for way to long and they clashed together at very bad timing. I didn’t tell her years ago because in my head I felt I was protecting her. I didn’t want her to look at life different because if what happened to me. She’s three years younger than me and it just made sense to me. But then everything crashed at once and I had no one to turn to and went to her and it didn’t go as I thought. She doesn’t believe a word of it because she has never heard of the people and none of the stuff adds up to her and I get it because I kept it from her for a reason. I just thought she would be understanding and supportive but instead she thinks I’m lying and how she thinks of me as a person really opened up my eyes. Like how could she think I would do something like that? Am I really that bad of a person? Maybe I am living the wrong life. I’m a single mom to the most handsome one year old boy and I wouldn’t change it for the world but maybe I’m not a good mom. Maybe I’m raising him wrong. I don’t know. I just want him to be happy and know that he can do anything he wants in life. I want no one to hold him back or tell him he can’t do something. He’s an amazing person and he’s only one, such an amazing road he has ahead of him. Just hope I can help him accomplish goals in his life and not drag him down. His dad is an amazing father and will always be there for him no matter what. I made a mistake losing him but that was my fault and I take the blame. I’m just glad he’s in our sons life as much as he is. I couldn’t ask for a better father for him. He doubts himself to though and he shouldn’t, he’s doing everything right and he’s just amazing at being a dad. But me, I just don’t know anymore. I’m just going to have to take time to think and figure things out. Maybe I’ll be ok someday, maybe I’ll just have to take a smile through life, I don’t know. I know I’ll never have my true best friend back though and it kills but that was my fault. I just am so lost and want no one else to feel like they had any let if this, it’s just how I let my life fall. I’m just hoping I’ll be ok someday and can put this past me and just enjoy life with my number one man, my son. Don’t want him thinking his mom is a piece of shit. I stay strong for him but sometimes I lose it. His dad is happy and I want it to stay that way, he deserves it. I have no blame to him at all and I want him to know that. He’s perfect the way he is and again is doing everything right, just stay happy. I’ll figure things out someday, just want to work on being a better mom for now and taking care of my boy. The situation with my best friend I feel will never be resolved and I have to deal with that. I just want my son to see two happy parents, that’s all I want. He has one right now and hopefully soon two. I guess I’m just venting to get this all out. No one here judges and I like that. I’m just in a dark place looking for the light to guide me out, hopefully I’ll find that soon.