Recently I've found out that I've been diagnosed with cancer and have been taking chemotherapy since. It's been a month and I'm in remission but still have sessions to complete and I've been thinking a lot too. It's strange how happy I am that I'm in remission but I can't help but also be afraid that the cancer can come back. It's so recent and feels surreal how it all happened, no one plans for it, no one expects it.
I was even afraid of telling my own family about my illness and didn't want them to worry or cry or treat me any differently. There are those who have pity on me and that makes me feel like I'm weaker. I try to stay positive as much as possible and not think about the cancer at all. I would prefer if people treat me the same and no differently.
I preface this because I enjoy being alone. For the longest I didn't like being in relationships. I would often get agitated with my partner or uncomfortable and push people away. At the end of a relationship before breaking it off (or getting dumped), It often ended on a sour note and it was often my fault. I could have been afraid of commitment but I never really felt alone, even when I was. The more and more I do chemo, the more I think about where my life will be.
I don't have much family in my life and it feels like going into the future that maybe I "do" need someone in my life. I may sound like a hypocrite but if it weren't for my family there to support me during my battle with cancer, I don't know how I'd feel. Right now I feel grateful but once my mother passes on, who else will be there for me? It's then that I start thinking about relationships and whether i should start pursuing one.
In my "weakened state" , I feel as if I need someone to tell me it'll be okay. I've always prided myself of being my own cheerleader and being "strong". Before my father passed, he would always tell me that men don't cry and wanted me to be very machismo. I sorta grew that way, even if it was unintentional and till this day I still am a very "strong" person who puts up a strong front to not let others worry. I feel obligated to be the strong one as a "man".
I've been thinking about dating a few girls but something holds me back. Do I really want them to know about my cancer? They'll eventually find out, even if I don't tell them but I don't want anyone to worry, thus not knowing helps only me in that regard to cope. Also, I've been thinking, will that be a deal breaker in the future? Will I die before living a fulfilling life with someone I can call my soul mate? Even now I feel selfish for craving someone to be by my side.
It feels unfair for me to let them go into a relationship with me, knowing I have cancer. I don't feel like I'm going to die and my treatments have been going well but how do people view me now? Do they see me weaker? Do I become undesirable ? I feel as if trying to date someone would be difficult, as if people are afraid to date someone with cancer. Even if they agree, are they doing it because they genuinely love you or out of pity?
I don't want to be in a relationship that is formed out of pity. I want someone to love me for me. For this, I feel like I'll end up being alone.