I fear I may not make it to heaven.
I fear I can not ever be forgiven for every word I've ever said, thought I've ever thought, and deed I've ever done.
I fear I may not "be able" to repent of every pleasurable forbidden desire.
I fear Jesus will never live in my heart and change me from the wretch that I am.
So, if I do go to an eternity in hell,
while I am burning alive, continuously, and without end,
If I have the presence of mind enough to do so,
I'll take comfort in one and only one thing:
my unpleasant memory of a large number of the people in heaven -
how that many of them I knew, knew me, but didn't care about me -
didn't have time for me -
gave up on me -
and rejected me -
even when I pleaded with them to help me.
they even talked about me to each other
how can I look forward to meeting such people again, in heaven?
so outwardly concerned about not doing the bad stuff,
while seeming to care so little about doing the good stuff
out of more than simply being obedient and keeping the rules
especially the second greatest commandment
that they should love their neighbors as themselves
I cannot imagine spending eternity with such "fair weather friends"
so while I'm weeping and gnashing my teeth,
enraged at myself for losing my opportunity to have what they have in paradise
and losing my opportunity to escape the reality that is now mine,
I'll remember that one thing I won't be missing
because they didn't have any for me