Getting pulled apart.

wrote the following:

Getting pulled from all four corners…

I woke up this morning and ate a bowl of mini wheats followed by a bowl of oatmeal.

Electric bike was charged, rode into campus at 45 mph, got to class at exactly 9:30 AM.

If something starts at noon, I’m usually there right at noon.

I don’t ever seem to be ahead, and it’s not because I can’t be, I just simply don’t let myself.

Simplify, simplify, simplify.  That’s what is engraved on a block of concrete that sits centered in a walkway between classes.

It seems that my life has come to that.  I lust after simplification.

In conversation, I shorten my sentences for the sake of simplification.

But for what?

I dream about a house that is extremely small and simple, to minimize tasks, lower the cost of living, and improve quality of life.

But what if I end up simply using that newly discovered free time to simply peruse the web?

Sounds menial, but consider it.

I spend probably 6 hours a day on the computer, and less than 15 minutes in front of the television.

When I do sit in front of the TV, I feel as if I need to pull myself out of my chair because I’m simply wasting my own time.

When I get the strength to pull myself out of the chair, I end up going into my room to work on assignments on my computer. 

I end up spending more time beating around the bush and creating menial tasks instead of completing assignments.

Ultimately, is there a right or wrong way to spend free time?

I want desperately to strengthen my faith in Jesus Christ, but when reading the Bible I have such trouble staying focused that I start falling asleep and get nowhere.

I’ve never been focused enough to persistently read, only when I was in elementary school with the Goosebumps books by RL Stine.  What changed?

I head to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, usually leaving fired up.

Not this past Wednesday.

After a nearly 3 month hiatus, I’m as unhappy as I’ve ever been, but struggling to reach out for what I need.

I have a long distance relationship with wonderful girl named Ali that is going to school nearly 10 hours away from me.  I miss her desperately.

If we’re lucky, we see each other once a month.

I will graduate in a year, and she will continue to be in school for another 6 years to become a surgeon.

I have two majors and a minor, I started a business last summer, and I love the outdoors.

My pursuits in school and with my business have forced me to spend even more time indoors doing work. 

I have a love for mountain biking, running, and camping.  There is a natural energy that refills me when I return from the woods.

My pursuits have robbed me the time to get that recharge, and I’m running on fumes.

But I have only two semesters left; my fifth year in college, there’s certainly no quitting in my plan.

My business has the potential to make a lot of peoples lives more enjoyable and purposeful, and it gives me purpose, so that’s not going to be lost.

My house is a wreck; it seems to mock my state of mind.

Jumping from an unexpected summer back in my hometown to college, I’ve had to arrange all my tools in cardboard boxes, which have yet to be unpacked a week and a half after arrival. 

My clothing has made itself carpet in my room, but my sheets and towels are clean.

I was going to wash the clothes today, but ended up sleeping for 2 and a half hours to regain energy.

Woke up, and it was dark outside.  So much for the run I wanted to accomplish.  So much for the clothing I was going to wash.

I realize that I’m in a low point.

I realize that I’m bitching.

I realize that I’m overwhelmed and probably depressed.

I don’t like asking for help, and deep down I don’t think there is really help that’s effective outside of medication.  If there is, it either costs money, or it’s embarrassing.

I thought it was my diet, so I’m eating better now than I ever have.

Vegetables, greens, seeds, nuts, all organics, no artificial anything.  To no avail. 

Meanwhile I’m surrounded by happy people that are eating fast food and pizza and I want to slap myself in the face.

I spray myself in the face with water as I feel the urgency make my skin hot and sweaty.

It’s 70 degrees in my room as the cool night air blows in, I shouldn’t be sweating.

My energetic kitten repeatedly bites me with highspeed flyby kitty attacks, I wonder if it's because I've been in such an asshole lately. 

My assignment that was due at midnight is still incomplete, but I did finish a reading.

It’s now two past one AM.  I must wake up at 6:45AM again in the morning.  Solid classes till noon, then a two-hour break when I must finish an assignment due at two, and find time to eat lunch.

All done at four.

Surely I’ll leave campus with ambition and a full plate of things that need accomplished when I arrive back home.

But I know all too well that I’ll arrive to the numbing sounds of Call of Duty, and find myself falling into a lackadaisical lull where I justify a power nap that burns three hours.  Then it will be night again.    

Just like I’ve arrived home and my plate full of ambition has turned into a plate full of fermented shit and laziness. 

So I’ll eat some almonds and want to fucking break the jar.

It’s time to fucking break the cycle.

 

HOW THE FUCK CAN I BREAK THIS CYCLE.

 

Persistence, dedication, focus, determination.  Fucking doing it. 

Mind, hands, and feet.  Move. Fucking do it.