Posted on March 11, 2010 at 09:17 PM (UTC)
( almost 2 years ago);
section: confession / relationships
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I told myself it wouldn't be bad. It was just a quick lunch with a friend. With you.
The whole drive there I reminded myself that you were not perfect, that you aren't as beautiful as I had thought and that you were going to talk about things I had no interest in. I had projected my ideals of the perfective woman onto you a long time ago and I know it has been clouding my judgement ever since.
I also reminded myself that life happens for a reason and the situation I am in and the situation you are in are is the way it was meant to be. The "could have beens" aren't important; only the "now" is. I love the woman I'm with and you love the man you're with.
I prepped myself by looking at your recent photos on Facebook. You looked sexy, glamourous and happy, especially in the photos with him. Pictures of you with friends and family helped me reinforce the notion that I am not a part of your world at all and would likely never fit in.
I arrived at the restaurant first and waited. Noon came and you walked in the door. You didn't see me at first but I was struck with how lovely you still are. You hugged me and despite my discomfort with being touched I enjoyed the two-second embrace and feel of your small, thin body against mine. People at the restaurant knew you and chatted with you while we got our food reminding me again that our two worlds are very different. I stood off by myself and waited patiently for your conversation to end.
We then sat down and talked. You told me about your relationship with the man who replaced me at the job where we used to work together. You said how the two of you started off as friends with benefits before moving in together and how easy it is for you to get time to yourself for your own projects (and likewise for him). You told me that I was looking good and that you know I'm going to be a great father when my child is born.
When I talked about my plans and dreams you told me how good they were and how you could see yourself happily experiencing them. Then you told me that you were writing a book, a sci-fi novel (something that you normally wouldn't do), and the basic plot contained everything I have an interest in.
Our short lunch came to an end and we parted ways with the obligatory promise to meet again in less than six months. I walked back out into the wet and grey world and drove away. Less than 40 minutes together and here I was deeply depressed again.
"What if"s have always bothered me. Three years ago my plan was simple; I was single and despite your apparently happy relationship with your fiance I was going to wait it out and see if you became available. But I was pressured into dating again and ended up in another relationship before your engagement ended. Now you're dating the guy who took over my job and despite the fact that I know I'm not that attractive I know that I'm better-looking than him. Should I have stuck to my guns and waited for you? Despite the fact that you told me you loved me and would date me in a second if you were single would you have actually done so or was that just a pep talk?
I love the woman I'm with and we work out well as a couple but why do you and I seem to relate so well? Why do we seem to have such a deep connection and shared philosophies? Why do you care so much about me when I am such an insignificant part of your life? Why do I obsess over you?
I tell myself that my feelings are nothing more than wishful thinking and that you are the greener grass on the other side of the fence. I tell myself that all of my personal failings that have hurt my past and current relationships would undoubtedly hurt a relationship with you. I tell myself that I would never be able to satisfy you sexually. I tell myself that you're just a caring person and your love for me is platonic and nothing more.
But my natural attention to detail leaves so many nagging questions. The strong emotion you project towards me is inconsistent with my experiences with other friends. The fact that during some of my darkest times you were there for me and made me a priority when you had no real reason to do so seems to go beyond altruism. You have an extremely busy social life yet you still want to spend time with me. You know how I feel about you...heck, you were the one who said that you loved me months before I reciprocated, yet you aren't put off by me.
Today I will go home to the woman I love. I will struggle to find a balance between my personal projects and my relationship. I will compromise and abandon dreams I have in order to make her happy and she will do likewise. I will raise my child with her and we will live a typical life and I will be happy a good portion of the time.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if I made the right choice.
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2 responses to A Short Lunch
RE: A Short Lunch
Posted on May 13, 2011 at 08:39 PM (UTC) ( 9 months ago )wrote the following:
It’s been a year and a bit since I last wrote about you. On the drive back to work this afternoon I thought about the unanswered questions I have regarding our relationship. Seeking out this original post I realized that I had the same questions back then and it made me sad to think that for the three or four short lunches we’ve had in the intervening months that I’m no closer to understanding things than before.
Today was probably the last short lunch I’ll have with you. I know we promised we’ll see each other again before you move in August but I know how these things work; life will be far too busy for us to connect.
Since you asked me out to lunch yesterday I’ve been thinking about what I wanted to say to you, and more specifically, what I wanted to ask you. I wanted to ask you if you wonder about what life had been like had we tried to get together. I wanted to tell you how I want something more than just friendship with you but without us cheating on our partners. I also wanted to ask you why, out of all your friends and acquaintances (most of whom you’ve known a lifetime longer than you’ve known me), do you take time out of your life to spend with me? I fretted about whether or not I should say anything, given the socially-awkward and potentially taboo subject of discussing the nature of our relationship, but at the same time I’m tired of living my life with the regrets of never having spoken up when I had the chance.
Once again while waiting for your arrival I reminded myself that you aren’t really my type and that you’re not as attractive as I imagine. Of course this was all blown to pieces when you walked in the door. That’s not to say you have no flaws but you are still an extremely sexy woman. I couldn’t help but stare at your thin legs leading up to your tight butt while you got your condiments. I actually had an impulse to lightly slap your butt which caught me off guard as I normally don’t have physical fantasies about you.
We sat down and started talking. You told me about where you are moving to, what you were going to do with your life now and how happy you are with the guy you’re moving out there with (who, for readers who care, is not the same guy you were with when I wrote the above post). I talked about the stresses my relationship has been under of late, the stresses I’ve been under, the joy my baby brings me, and the general envy I feel for your ability to get out of this town and start again with a blank slate.
You talked about how so many places in this town remind you of bad times and bad instances in past relationships, a trait I unfortunately share. When you told me the only solution you could think of to wipe out the bad memories was to go there, strip nude and run around until you’re arrested, I almost said “I’d like to see that”. I know only a little bit about your sexual side and the fact that some of your apparent kinkier leanings are things I would want in a woman twists the knife in a little further.
I wanted to ask you everything I had been planning to ask, but you said you were so happy with where your life is going and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I tried to ask if you ever wondered about us by leading in with “it’s amazing where the paths we take in life go and how small decisions to go one way or the other have such far-reaching consequences” but as nerves caused my speech to speed up and my voice to increase in pitch a little I realized that I couldn’t do it and stopped at “if we had done some things differently…”
To my credit I did ask you why you take an interest in me. The reality is that of all my “friends” you are the only one who actually contacts me on a fairly regular basis and wants to spend time with me. You told me that there were few people in the world you can actually tolerate and I was one of them and you enjoyed spending time with me. That made me feel good because it’s nice to feel important to others, and it’s even better when you feel important to those who are important to you.
We parted ways shortly after that and I drove back to work in a world as wet and grey as it was the last time I wrote about you. Why does the weather always match my soul when I’m with you? Why can’t I stop feeling this way about you?
What I want to say to you is that I want us to be more than friends, but I don’t know what exactly I mean. I don’t want to have a sexual relationship with you as I’m not someone who cheats (but if there’s any woman who could make me consider cheating it’d be you). You and I are both in relationships and I’m not looking to change that. Sadly, even when I try to picture being in a relationship with you I can never imagine a “happily ever after” ending.
The more I learn about you, the more in tune we seem to be and the more I want to know about you. I’m not satisfied with a 40-minute lunch once every three or four months. I want to spend hours, maybe even days interacting with you and discovering who you are. I want to build a spaceship with you and explore Mars or set out to build a new society on a new planet. I want to build a time machine and explore history’s greatest mysteries with you. I want to work with you as a business partner and create great things and get rich together. I want to co-author a book with you. I want to hide with you in a self-sufficient bunker in the middle of the woods and throw off the shackles of our troublesome society.
So why can’t I say any of this to you?
I can’t say any of this to you because I followed a path that has me in a relationship with someone else. You have done the same. Our relationships prevent us from having more than the occasional short lunch. And now that you’re leaving we won’t even have that any more.
I wish I had hugged you today.
RE: A Short Lunch
Posted on December 19, 2011 at 05:52 PM (UTC) ( about 1 month ago )wrote the following:
It's been seven months since we had our last short lunch. You've been really happy with your husband and living in your new place, 2,000km away. I truly am happy for you. Your FaceBook photos show nothing but joy.
Your reply to my "how's it going?" email started off with "as usual, I was thinking about you a couple of days before you emailed me". Why do you continue to think about me? Your life is so full and busy...why do I even matter to you anymore?
Why you still matter to me is obvious; my infatuation stems from what a true friend you were to me, and how you're the only woman that has ever suggested being in a relationship with me without me having pursued you first. The one day we spent together which was like a date but not a date has remained one of my happiest memories of the last seven or eight years.
I have my own life. It's busy and it's never going to involve you in the way that I'd like so I should just put you out of my head and focus on the here and now.
But I can't.
I miss you.