Is It Over Yet?

wrote the following:

This is my life....

-I was born to a wonderful family

-My mother died when I was 3, holding me in her arms after we had been in a car accident

-My dad remarried when I was six

-She spent the next 12 beating me, telling me I was worthless, and cursing the day I was born.  My Dad joined in at the age of 10

-I fell in Love with, and gave my life to the Lord when I was 12.  I have served him ever since

-When I was 16, I fell in love with a wonderful 18 year old, Godly man who loved me, and we wanted to live our lives and do ministry together

-When I was 18, he fell out of love with me, because of my destructive family and what it was doing to me.  He met his future wife 2 weeks after that.

-I went to a Christian College to study ministry. Because of my step-mother, I was more comfortable with males than females..they called me a slut, even though I was very much a virgin.

-I stuck with it and met the best of friends.

-My junior year, I did a semester abroad in Ecuador.  I met the God-ordained love of my life, it was immediately obvious to both us.  6 weeks later, he freaked out because of his sinful past.  He began verbally abusing me, he physically hurt me onec, then he stopped talking to me.  He slept with a 30 year old woman.  I was still saving myself for marriage.

-I felt inclined to prayer for him.  God's idea, not mine.  14 months later he came back to God and asked for forgiveness.  After praying a lot, I felt I was being obedient to God in letting him back in my life.  We have been married for 9 years, do ministry together, and have 2 beautiful children.  He loves me like no other,...but

-In college, when I began talking to him,  immediatels ALL of my friend turned their back on me.  Let me repeat and be clear...ALL of my friends.  I didn't speak to my best friend for 6 years.  (That means I was happily married to him for 5 years before she came back in my life)

-1st year of marriage, my back, shoulder, and neck lock up, swell, and inflame for 8 months.  (I was 23)  It took 8 months, 2 MD's, 2 chiros, and 3 physical therpists before I could move again.  During this time I was thought to have lupus or RA, luckily I had neither.

-2nd year of marriage, we had a beautiful baby boy while my husband was in seminary.

-When he was 1, I was pregnant again and eccstatic (I wanted a bunch of kids).  I lost that baby at 2 months and was devastated, then the pelvic pain started.

-Horrible debilitating pelvic pain ensued, i could barely move, let alone function as a wife and a mother.  It took over 2 years, 8 doctors and 5 physical therapists to figure it out.  During this time I was tested for bladder, uterin, and ovarian cancers, as well as for IC, and underwent a laperoscopy.  My husband made less than 16,000 each of those years.  Our med billls were more than 10,000 each year.

-What was it?  I needed a shoe lift.  Why?  Because of that cursed car accident when I was 3.  It had destroyed my life once, and was trying to do it again.  After a few months of manipulations and hard, hard work, I was back, though will see a dr. every other month for the rest of my life.

-In the 6th year of my marriage I had anothe beautiful little boy.

-The same year, my first son was put in Special Ed. for intense speech delay.

-The next year they strong-armed us into putting him in a program that had him gone for 10 hours a day, at 5 years of age.  In a class with boys with severe volatile social issues.

-In November of that year,  a few weeks before wanting to start trying to get pregnant again, the vulvar pain started.  Horrible, wretching, bring-you-to-your-knees pain.  Being passed around from doctor to doctor started again.

-In the meantime, the war started with the school.  Some screaming matches with the teacher, crying every day as my son went to school, finally getting him an 8 hour neuro-psych eval and going to the sp. ed. superintentant.  Fighting tooth and nail to get him into mainstream.  He has an auditory processing disorder..so does my husband, we found out!  We must help him deal with this learning disablility the rest of his life.  That is my job, I am his mother, I know he will do great things.

-He is in mainstream, and is at the top of his class now, praise God!

-1 1/2 years and 6 doctors later, I now travel accross the state twice a year to see a specialiest for my pain.  I have lichen sclerosis, a horrific auto immune, flesh eating, body destroying...LIFE destroying, incurrable disease.  I will have it for the rest of my life.

-1st they put be on a medication that made me mentally out of it all the time, gain weight, and lose 1/2 of the hair on my head.

-Now I'm on a different one.  It gives me migrained that completely debilitate me for 24 hours at a time.

-It's supposed to be "controlled" with treatment.  Guess who, after 9 monts of "treatment" isn't responding?  What happens if they can't control it?  Beyoned daily, sever, accute pain....IT's only a matter of time before the awful burning that happens with urination also includes bleeding, before the pain of sex becomes the physical inability to have sex, and having a bowel movement will always include bleeding, pain, and damage.  I could be looking at 50 years of this.

-I decided a few weeks ago that I would run a marathon.  As a victory in my life, as a gift to God to show people that we can do all things through him who strengthen us, no matter what we're going through.  IT was a great idea..I've been running for 2 years.

-On the second day, I sustained an injury - popped my fibula and a metatarsal out of place.  Now, on top of seeing my DO every other month for my pelvis, I see her and have physical therapy now to try to stabalize my leg and foot.  My days are now filled with even more pain.  They believe I might deal with this for the rest of my life.  Does this sound familiar?

 -The dream of more children?  It seems it is one more I must grieve, but it is an epic battle in my soul.  I am hoping God may grant us the miracle of adoption.  And, yes, I know how blessed I am to already have 2 of my own.

-My dream of doing impactful ministry for the Lord?  Probably also needs to be grieved.  For all me and my husband have been through, he cannot believe in himself as a child of God.  The Lord has given me the the gift of prophecy, and has seen so clearly so many of the things the Lord has planned for him, and for us.  My husband  refuses to believe, in himself..and in God.  He can't seem to embrace God's love and forgiveness, even after I have sent up prayers for the past 10 years.

-so, we are both in ministry.  A pretty dead-end, country club, society kind of ministry.  Never what I wanted, not what I desire.  I feel it sucking the life and spirit from me each day.  But what to do?  He is my husband, I stay with him for better or worse.

 -Do I see my blessings? Yes!  I have a husband that loves me, I have 2 beautiful boys, and we have a steady income.

My Question is this...

Is it over yet??? Probably not, so when will it be?  I am so tired, so very, very tired.  I would never dishonor God by taking my own life, but I have been praying that i won't wake up in the mornings.  I am so tired of pain.  So Tired of fighting.  So tired of being beaten down.  I want it to be over.  I want to go home.

I try to live my life to the fullest each day.  I try to be an example of what you can overcome with Jesus in your life.  But this is the truth...I want it to be over.  I want it to be done.