The Reality

wrote the following:

So here it is. I know there's nothing unique about what I have to say, but it's eating at me and I just have to put it down somewhere.

I know people will respond to this "Go kill yourself then." or "You're retarded" or any number of assanine, useless things they could say. I know people will say "If you're writing a post about it, then it means you're just doing it for attention or you'd just go do it." 

Thing is... this is anonymous. And I don't KNOW if I'm going to do it. I hope not.

I'm depressed. It gets worse and worse. Especially when I think it's starting to get better. It's like the good shepherd kicking me down when I lift my head too high. "Look at your feet, little sheep. Look at the mud in your hooves. That's all you deserve to see."

And I wonder, what the hell did I do? Did I do something so wrong in my life, in this life, in a past life, that would make God or Karma or whatever decided that I should feel like this for the rest of forever?

Now people give you all kinds of sound advice. See a counselor. Take some medication. Talk to someone. Talk to your friends. Find a hobby. Change your life.

But uh... I did all that. And I still want to jump off a bridge... or in front of a train... or into traffic. I still want to down a bottle of barbituates with a fifth and wait until I stop thinking.

I see a counselor. I take pills. I talk to someone... lots of someones. I have really great friends... and I'm sick of burdening them with my shit. Who wants to be the emo kid dragging down the mood at the party?

The thing about depression is, it's the disease who's one symptom is to make it impossible to enjoy life. What a shitty disease... And people who don't have it, who've never had it? They'll tell you "You just need to think happy thoughts. Be less negative." Easy to say when that part of your brain isn't somehow borked.

And yeah, you might think my reasons are stupid, but they're MY reasons and they mean something to me. Boys. Boys and theatre.

I have never been asked out in my life. In 24 years, I have never been asked out. Not even once. I have asked out numerous boys, and have been rejected by all of them. The only boys that call me cute are drunk, desperate or horny. Girls call me cute all the time, which would be awesome... if I was straight.

I hate most other gay men... 'cause they're so damn happy. I want to be happy like that. I used to be. It all changed last year, and for the life of me, I don't know why. They say "Bipolar disorder expresses itself in the mid-twenties" bad timing I guess.

But boys, ah, that's what hurts the most. Isn't there one halfway decent looking guy who'd like to take me out to a damn movie? Everyone says "You're so cute." and "You're so much fun to hang out with!" Like, everyone.

I'm that "life of the party" guy. Ironic, right? Ooooh, death jokes. Too soon? I'm a stand up comedian. I'm also trying to become an actor, but there's another place I'm getting kicked in the kidneys every time I put myself out there.

Rejection. Rejection. Rejection. "You're not what we're looking for." "You're such a nice guy but... not my type." "We went a different direction." "I only think of you as a friend."

Boys, theatre, boys, theatre, rejection rejection rejection.

Mommy's in a mental institution and daddy never loved me enough. I'm the only fag in my 70 member family and theatre, my hobby, my life, is a joke. A waste of time. And maybe they're right. Maybe it is for me. Because maybe I'm really going nowhere.

"No one can love you until you can love yourself." "You need confidence, self-esteem to get boys or roles."

Yeah... let me know where I can buy some.

I WANT a better life! I WANT to stop thinking these thoughts! I WANT to be succesful and HAPPY like everyone else seems to be. Maybe... I want too much?

So yeah, I don't know if I'm going to do it. I don't know. Could be today, could be next year, could be never. I keep sticking around thinking "Well maybe this audition will be the one. Maybe this boy will give me a second glance." But I'm running out of optimism and hope's not a renewable resource.

I don't want to do it because I don't want to hurt the people I love. God, I know what it feels like to be the one left behind. But they can't know what it's like. "What's wrong?" "I'm feeling a bit down..." "Oh, well cheer up." .... "kay..." Cheer up. Like I hadn't thought of that. Cheer up when I want to cut out my own heart just so I won't have to FEEL anymore. Cheer up when I've had my last one night stand only to wake up and realize I was only the "cutest boy at the club" when he didn't know what it felt like to be on top of me. Cheer up when everyone's getting better and getting roles and getting shows and I'm. still. not even booking. COMMUNITY SHOWS! CHEER UP!

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU! Because I can't say it! Because I can't shout or cry or scream or ANYTHING! Because I live in a frigging apartment building and my emotions can only be as big as my walls are thick! Because I don't want to, God forbid, hurt anyone! Ofend anyone!

FUCK YOU!

So that's it. That's what it is. That's what it's like. If I do it, if I finally fucking off myself today, at least that's said. Check. One thing off the dwindling bucket list.